Excerpt - Life after 512

Dec 28th, 2006

Come 5th January, it would be five years.

What should I do to honour this special day?

Godzilla

If everyone in the office is resigning because of a stupid boss, does it means that they are cowards and cannot handle problems maturely, or is it because it is better to leave to find a happier job?

I’d like to think that it is a challenge to work with these stoneheads, and I should not leave just because I cannot tolerate them. But if it makes you miserable, redundant, unproductive and demotivated, how long can you last?

And if three of your bossess left (Original boss resigned, replaced by another one who subsequently resigned, just to be replaced by a third one who ALSO resigns, all in the span of less than two years), what does this tells you?

If we wake up everyday, praying that there will be a dinasaur appearing and swallowing him whole, does it justifies the sacrifice that we are making?

Where is the bloody Godzilla when you need it?

25/12/2006

I've got not one, but TWO new specs!

On normal days, I'll look like this...

When I'm off work, I morph into this..

Lydia Sum-look-alike!

Me: (looking at the optical shop salesperson) So, do you wear specs?
Him: No, I don't.
Me: Do you wear contact then?
Him: No, I don't wear contact either.
Me: So you dont wear specs/contacts at all but you are selling them?
Him: Yes, but I know enough from customers on their needs and requirements on our products.
Me: -_-" (looking at another salesperson who is wearing specs) Hi, erm, can you help make sure my mum's new specs fits her perfectly?

Would you buy insurance from an insurance agent who doesnt buy any insurance himself?

Merry Christmas

Alright, I've migrated to the new version liao, but being the idiot I am, it'll take me sometime before I can figure out the rest of it...

This year, I am bitten badly by the Christmas bug. And while at home after attending a birthday-cum-christmas party with family and relatives, I couldnt help but think of the lack of Christmas shopping and ambiance this year. Although this is the year that I had spend the most buying presents (in fact, i think this is the first year I really buy anything at all), I'm done with the shopping in less than two hours (very hectic schedule). I suddenly missed being in Metrojaya and wished I was there to listen to the calming christmas songs. I havent had my dose of the commercialized Christmas songs yet!

Then few more days later we will usher in 2007. This year has been an uneventfulyear for me. Thank god that my family is healthy and safe. New year resolution for 2006? I knew I promised to work my buff off, unfortunately, I didn't. But I did manage to hit my target for my savings though. Which gave me a new motivation to do better for year 2007. Have to reconsider some of my priorities, but i think with discipline, I'll be able to match the figure, perhaps doing even better.

Just a short update for now. I'll end with one of my favourite Christmas songs lyrics, singing the song in my head with my eyes closed, wishing I could be where I want to be right now...

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.

And have yourself
A merry little Christmas now

P/s I dont know how to post mp3s/videos up. Anyone to teach?

Impulse shopping

Impulse buying is when you literally buy everything you lay your hands on…

But what if the item is still stuck to your mind days, sometimes even weeks AFTER you saw it on display??? The fact that it cost a few hundred dollars is the reason you didn’t buy it the first time around. But what if you go back home, sit around STILL thinking of it, and began to do some mental calculation in your head, and figured that you can still afford it after all!!!

These are what I have in mind…

1) A wedding dress
No, I’m not getting married yet. And I always thought that I would have prefer a much more elaborate design as a wedding gown. Anything strapless, simple wouldn’t do for me. It must be LOUD, BOLD and OUTRAGEOUS, or at least, I thought so. Until I chance upon this dress in a thrift shop. The vertical design in gold looks beautiful and stunning. I saw this dress last week, took a picture, and I’m still thinking about it. I still don’t understand why I am attracted to this simple dress. Price? My guess is a few hundreds, probably secondhand since its in a thrift shop. And to own a wedding dress instead of renting. Why not?

2) Gold GUESS pump shoes
Well, I’ve never owned anything super expensive or designer (except my 2k phone lah). And after doing much calculation with this year’s bonus, I might just be able to afford this RM400++ GUESS gold pump shoes. Its high heel meets my standard and its not that uncomfortable. Tried it on at one of the boutiques, and looks very nice. Looking at my collection of pump shoes, is another pair gold pump shoes necessary? And it will look absolutely beautiful with the dress above, certainly a plus point!

3) VIAO Sony laptop
Well, as you know, mine died-ed on me months ago. And I have yet to get it fixed. And it is way past its due date. Although I don’t really need a laptop, but out of these three items, probably this one is the most expensive but also the most useful. I like the look and the weight, and I don’t really care about the specs cause I’m stupid and easily convinced by just the looks. I only need it for normal administration work and to online. Last I heard, its close to 6-7k. Seriously not within my reach, but there is Easy Payment right?

On the other hand, what I REALLY REALLY NEED is a new pair of specs. Mine is a few years old and out of shape. I wear it every single day and you'd think it would have been on my top priority to get it changed. Perhaps I would have to literally break it apart with my bare hands so I wouldnt have another excuse to delay.

Now, what should I do with my bonus...?

12/12/2006

Wishlist?

Deep down I had wanted to travel more. To be able to travel around the world to experience the culture. To discover the various places on own own and not just the normal organized trips.

But I know we can't do that. We don't have that kinda time and money. Unfortunately, being an employee does not allow us to simply take 3 months off work to travel. There are bills to settle and people to take care of.

Suddenly, I feel like I am having a middle-age crisis. What happended to my youth? What happened to the times when I can wear those la-la tops? How come I am living a life planning for a future that I cannot imagine? Where are the holidays to all these places that I am supposed to go experience? Why isnt there any freedom from work at all? What happended to "Hidup Hanya Sementara"? What happened to the "just the two of us" life? How come I've never gone out as much as my friends do? How come my parents never had more children so that I dont feel so guilty leaving them behind? Why are things so messed up anyway?

Yea yea, I am just rambling away... I have so many issues in me that sometimes when I am alone, it comes back to haunt me. These are the times when I do not think rationally and emotions takes over.

Life is absolutely ridiculous right now. And at this moment, if you had asked me "Would you have done it differently?", I had an urge to say, "Yes". Life is reality and reality hurts. The grass is always greener on the other side, but is it not? This phrase is my lifesaver. Yes, the grass over there may be greener but no one ever mentioned of the expensive weed-killer. Naive people would believe it. Go-getter would go get it. And well, people like me, we just make the most out of what we have. I can't blame anyone if I choose to be contented with what I have right?

Perhaps I am in this tug-of-war situation. The logical side of me stayed grounded with the best possible choice, but the other side of me is just yelling to get out. Neah, it will never happened. Entertaining doubts is what drives me crazy sometimes, but still, one bird in hand is better than two birds in tree.

And I bloody hate it when people thinks that they are more superior than others. Irritates me to no end.

11/12/2006

I'm back...

Had a difficult and long weekend after some unfortunate events in the office. Talked about it, cried about it, seek advise on it, and now ready to put it behind me. Unless of course, if matters gets out of hand, I'll deal with it.

Came back from a friend's wedding dinner. Realized that I havent taken any nice pictures for some time, hence the old and outdated pictures in Friendster.

I am tired and stressed out, and have things planned on Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday.

Figured I'll be back work even more stressed.

9/12/2006

I shall not waste my time dealing with a brainless person like you.

Despite that, I am mad at myself because I have stupidly forget that there is no way we could be friends.

And to befriend a calculative and chauvinistic pig like you, it is my fault in the first place.

I have no one to blame but myself.

P/s: Why? Backstabbed me then shy to talk to me ah? Guilty ah?

P/P/s: I am the QUEEN of PRETENDERS!

I wander...

I wander…

When I was in primary school, I remembered once there was young couple driving a car with the emergency lights on. I remembered them because they were driving quite recklessly and was causing a jam. I peered into the car and the man was in a hurry and he has an anxious look on his face. By now, he was pressing the honk while driving. Then I realized the woman sitting next to him was pregnant and seems to be in labour! They then drove off… I wander how they are doing now…

When I was in secondary school, our class organized a day trip to a nearby old folks home. I remembered we have to walk to the home carrying the stuff that we were going to give away. The home was very run down. It was on top on shop lots. Now knowing what to do, we started to talk to the residents randomly. I remembered a grandma that we talked to. She has Alzheimer and it seems like she has an extremely short memory span. She kept repeating the story of how she got the scars on her fingers. She kept saying, ‘I accidentally poured hot water to my hand…” And the moment she finished that sentence, she repeat it again. And again. And again. And that is all she talks about. I wander how she did after we left…

Once when Des and I were in Langkawi holidaying during our college days, we were in a restaurant enjoying our seafood dinner. I look out and remembered seeing a few tourists crossing the street to get to their bus. Then, I heard a screeching sound and a bang. We peered closely and saw a white shirt man lying on the street. A group of people started screaming (probably the same group). Traffic slowed down and people starting slowly carrying him into a car. Then they drove off. I remembered saying,” My, what a sad thing to happen when you are holidaying…” I wander how he is now…

When I was studying in Australia, I had culture shock the first few weeks. Foodcourt to us is a variety of cuisine; Malay, Chinese, Indian and Western. Foodcourt to them; McD, KFC, Pizza Hut, Burger King. Jaya Jusco’ cashiers are quiet, K-Mart cashiers greets us “How are you” nonchalantly. Back home, everyone looked vastly different, although Asian, everyone has its own distinct look. Down in Australia, all the Aussie girls looked the same (blond, fair, freckled and big-sized). They all looked so matured with their height. Heck, their 17 yrs looked like 25! I remembered feeling young and thin (I lost weight there cause I don’t like milk, cheese, potato and bread, which is the staple diet there) Hehe… Its been more than three years since I came back, but once in a while, I’ll remember the people there and wander how they are now…

When I was training as a croupier in the casino, I came across many types of people. But there were this particular young man that I remembered. If he had kept his mouth shut, he looks kinda handsome really. But unfortunately, he was loud, very LOUD. But, he was never rude to us. We had customers yelling profanities to our family members, but his choice of words were directed to the cards/games. Its different you know? We nicknamed him “Fried rice man”, because he always says, “Girl, if I win money, I’ll treat you to fried rice, okay?” Now, all of us figured that “fried rice” obviously has another meaning behind it, probably a crude meaning anyway. After my pontoon stint, I never saw him again. I prayed hard that I will never see him again also. But I wander, how is he doing now?

:)

Excerpt - Life after 512

Two weeks ago…

I wandered what is wrong…

I finally told you what I have been thinking all along. And though it has been two days ago, I still wakes up feeling things are different…

As I tossed and turned on my bed yesterday night, I couldn’t help thinking whether I’d just made things worst. I dunno why, but I just can’t shake it off.

I guessed the reason I never wanted to tell you about this is because I knew it will forced us both to remember and to act on it. And that is exactly what happened. Now that you knew and you remembered, did I just push everything to “start” happenning?

I had thought I could handle it on my own. And if I kept quiet about it long enough, it will go away.

But it keeps coming back.

“It is a harsh reminder of what happened everytime people talked about it…”

I am very brutal and frank when friends come to me when they are in middle of a crisis. I will force the truth into them and bare all for them to see and judge for themselves.

And two days ago I realized why. Cause deep down I’m not acknowleging the truth myself. Finding ways to let others see their truth is just something I do unconsiously. Its because of the build up in frustration and pressure that I had, causing me to unconciously channel it to another person. Because I won’t look at the truth myself, I had hoped to release the tension by ‘helping’ others see their truth, though sometimes in a brutal manner.

“I just want to get back what I lost years ago…”

Yea, I guess I need assurance. And a date.

Poem/Pantun

Angry… very very angry…

Irritating, frustrating, annoying
Three emotions you had me feeling
Agony, misery and torment
Three emotions I curse you, unless you repent…

Geram, marah, bosan
Tiga emosi ku perasan
Sengsara, dukacita, derita
Tiga emosi ku sumpah, lainkan mu menyesal, ORANG DUA MUKA!

Benci… betul betul benci…

02/12/2006

Feeling very blah at the moment...

But good times ahead! :)

Long forgotten...

Few days ago, I chanced upon a long forgotten box. I half expected it to be empty when I reached for it. Imagine my surprise when it was heavy. I opened the box and was amazed to find these…

It contains:
Letters I don’t remember receiving
Penpals I don’t remember having
Gifts I don’t remember owning
Names I don’t remember knowing
Postcards I don’t remember writing
Cards I don’t remember getting

Most of the stuffs dates back to secondary school and college. I rummaged through the pile and gingerly opened every single of the letters. I didn’t read them, mostly just scanning for the author of the letters. The amazement I felt when I struggled to recognize the letters and to recall the people who wrote them. There were letters received when I was in a “penpal” phase and the friends I made during my short stint in Langkawi, most of whom I do not keep in touch anymore. There were names in the letters telling me about their updates back then that I cannot put a face to. An attendance card of sort, to mark our whereabouts in the college. Then there were cards that meant so much to me but stashed away, long forgotten. Then there were this little necklace, a gift that until today I have no idea what it meant. There were colourful envelopes from friends who are creative and long letters that I appreciate a lot.

The sudden feeling of exhilaration when the memories came gushing in…

25/11/2006

Count your blessings, No more complaints...

Count your blessings, Do not complain...

Count your blessings, Stop complaining...!!!

Current Satisfaction

I guess with reference to the previous entry, one would have guessed that I am a materialistic person.

I admit I am not a “big picture” person. I seek current satisfaction and I find solace in material things. Instead of braving it out for a better time ahead (bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian), I seek comfort on current satisfaction to help me get by. Instead of giving up everything to achieve a goal in future, I need some pick-me-up moments to help me reach that goal.

But does this mean I cannot work towards a future or achieve certain goals in my life? Not really. But then again, I am a person who is very easy to please. Current satisfaction matters most and perhaps it’s with this, that I am less incline to have super big ambitions. I need shorter goals or tangible things to look forward to. I am brought up in a middle income family background, and being me, I am contented to work for the rest of my life and enjoying life little surprises along the way. Less risk, less return perhaps, but I am happy.

Or am I?

I suppose by now you would also know that money is important to me. Save those “money not important, health is” or “money cannot buy happiness” to yourself. I respect the way you think but don’t condemn me. Money IS important because we need that to survive. Money cannot ensure health but it certainly can PAY the medical bills (plus, people are getting sick nowadays not of work, but over many other factors). Money cannot buy happiness but it can REDUCE our depression and stress by settling our bills/debts/savings. Being in the middle income group, money plays a very important role because we need it to match our daily expenses.

Financial stability is what we seek before we pursue other bigger matters in our life.

And now at 25, I am struggling between my current satisfaction craving and the desire to seek this financial stability in life. I admit I am changing as a more mature person and taking steps closer towards this long term goal in life. However, the price to pay is me and my current satisfaction. I need time to evolve. Changing overnight or changing for the sake of someone else will make me miserable person. And at 25, I’d know better than to do that. Instead, striving to change for ME is the power.

I can only change to become a better person if I want to.

And I am working towards it.

Lucky you if you have a rich partner. And for the rest of us, a toast to our choices, our partners and teamwork.

You go get the car and the house. And I’ll get the savings okay? :)

19/11/2006

Issues/things that irritates me...

No holiday to look forward to, Stonehead, my hair, no Astro in my room, not able to plan for future, people getting married/having kids, not having my car back, Group A, waking up early for work, headache, my wardrobe, rain, The City of Entertainment itself (really)

Issues/things that helps keep me sane...

My shoes, my credit cards, my savings, my new watch, my ring, my 650 Panadols, my handphone, 2008, Group D, reality shows

I think I am a sarcastic person in nature. Thinking back, in college/uni, I was blaberring "oh yes har!?!" at everything that I hear. And now that I am working, it evolved into a more positive and enthusiatic "Can, can, can also..."

Even my swear phrases has evolved, from "What the, what the!?!" to "What f**k!?!" and the straightforward "F**K". Sometimes, it will be a tone downed version of "CRAP", or "Absolute/total crap..." Think I used to swear a lot back in college/uni as well, but cant seem to recall the phrases...

No big deal, just talking crap to perhaps satisfy some of the PMS cravings of being frank. Think I have loads of issues to deal with. Which makes me wander, if these werent properly address, I wander if it will turn out to be like a long old couple in a marriage? In the beginning there may be a high level of tolerance of all these issues, but as years past by, it will slowly but surely surface and then it will path ways for resentment?

Interesting.

And my room is on the 12th floor.

18/11/2006

Be very careful... I am PMS-ing.

I have a huge longing for lots of cream puffs, another shopping spree and a short hairdo.

One wrong move, and I will be out to get all three.

By the way, guess what I found when I borrowed this book from the library?

13/11/2006

Escape - Desire to find a way out of a situation or circumstances. A signal that one can escape the thing feared. Confidence that one can overcome problems and enemies.

I am ready.

10/11/2006

In anticipation of a terrible day today, I went out yesterday evening after work determined to have a good relaxing time.

And I did.

1) A call from a long lost friend (he had to call my mum to ask for my hp #!)
2) Marinated beef ribs for dinner
3) The sweetest and creamiest cream puffs for dessert
4) A nice long walk around the neighbourhood and mall
5) A cheap lovely watch
6) A nice yamcha with an estranged friend (yes, estranged, though it is good knowing that despite what happened, we all can still be civil to each other and have a good chat).

A splendid evening, indeed.

A dream...

I had a dream this morning.

I dream of running away again. But this time its different. Instead of running away and being chased, I was already caught this time. Instead my dream started with me escaping. This time, I managed to escape. Nobody was chasing me. It was raining and I was escaping and running away in my pajamas. Also, this time, I knew where I was going. And so I ran and ran to that place.

Nobody was following me. When I arrived, I was tired and that place was packed with people. Somehow or rather, I went looking for someone, and he appeared. I tried to explain and he immediately took me in. He showed me upstairs and told me to rest. I closed my eyes feeling so safe. He reached out to touch my eyes and told me rest.

Then he started to leave. I immediately jumped up cause I don’t want him to leave and to be left alone. Then we started to pack things into my car and I prepared to leave. Before I could say thank you and goodbye, I woke up…

I woke up still sensing the feeling that I felt. That feeling is indescribable, the feeling of being loved, being cared for and knowing that I am now safe. A sudden rush of exhilaration and happiness that could only happen in dreams. Not to say that I’ve never felt that in life, but in dreams nothing else matters. Unlike in reality where life goes on, dreams give a chance to feel that joy without the repercussion of life. Even though it is for a short time and left me longing for more when I wake up, I’m still glad I feel that way.

But why is the dream different this time around?

Why? Why??

See see, that was the exact reason why i dont read books. Now they are doing it on TV too???

Sigh, just saw the last episode of Kevin Hill. So sad and to make it worst, that was the last episode for that series. One season only. They took away the baby from him. Then, the story ends there. Sigh...

Dahlah I am still in my Emotional-frappe mode..

Anyway, it reminded me of the fact that nobody is worst than anyone and that I am grateful for it. Despite the fact of what I went through years ago, I know I could be worst. And i guess that is how i manage to get past life and still manage to paddle through.

It is with the thought that no matter what circumstances i am in, I would be worst off. And that helped me feel better and face the challenges bravely. And that helped me accept myself for who i am. And make me realize that although I may be sad for now, I can definately overcome it instead of wallowing in self pity. And that, makes me a very oblivious person.

Recently, I've started to use this as a channel to send messages to people out there. Like i mentioned, the risk is that everyone will start to think that I am talking about/to them. Am I a coward to say things here instead in person? Rest assured that I am merely repeating what I've said here. I know and believe that there is absolutely no point in making references to them if they dont read it the first place. So, believe me, I'm not using this as a cowardly way to tell someone something that I dare not say to their face. Whatever I wrote here, has already been said out loud.

But having said that, please do think twice if you think that I am making reference to you. Cause it could all be just a fraction of your imagination and all these hoohaa may not exist at all. The level of ambiguity is, though somewhat low (well, my picture is up there right?), but my story isn't. Until you know how to tell the difference between the truth and the lie, please take this with a pinch of salt. The manisfestation of one's mind is powerful, but it is only you.

Isn't this what it is all about? Read between the lines, Juls...

I love you.

Closing time

Its such a roller coaster week. Worst than PMS I tell you.

How I know? Cause I just mistaken my handphone as the remote control. I actually pressed my handphone keys while aiming it to the tv. After a few times, i wander why the channel is still the same. Then I realized...

If anyone were to bump into us during our supper time, they would have thought that we were having an argument. Fortunately, the topic is not about us. It is about something else. Though I like the fact that we both can talk and argue about topics we do not agree, but I admit that it is tiring to be discussing the same subject everytime we see each other.

And yes, she did agree that it has nothing to do with me. The car accident has nothing to do with me.

She sheepishedly also admit that she deserved it. She knew I was right.

But it doesnt matter. I was an emotional wreak myself. I cried, i smiled, I yelled, I laughed, it feel like as if all emotions are put into a blender, and the concoction is then poured to my brain.

I havent icq-ed for a very long time. And I chanced upon my "About Me" intro. And I talked about this song. And it was one of my favourite song that I havent heard in a very long time.

Closing Time
Semisonic
(Feeling Strangely Fine)

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

No, it wasnt about you. It is about us. :)

04/11/2006

See, I told you it has nothing to do with me.
And I lied. You asked for it.

If you understands my post, that means its for you.
If you don’t, that means its not for you.

It is very easy to manipulate people’s way of thinking, no? That is the power of blog right? The risk we have to take to allow people to freely interpret the things we wrote.

And that is what makes it fun.

A toast to the past, the present and the future.

Not everything is about you, you know?

Mixed Emotions.

I am very happy for you because you found her.

I am very worried for you because you are upset by the truth.

I am very annoyed with you because you went way overboard.

I am very grateful because I have you.

A love story.

How do you talk sense into a friend who is absolutely blinded by love and can no longer tell what is right from wrong?

I am a very practical person. Logic and science makes more sense to be me than feelings and intuition. If logic points to a decision, I will make that decision despite the fact that my heart tells me another way. I am also a person who could sway both ways. I could agree and disagree with something. I can see both the good ad bad side of things. The downfall is sometimes, the information overload confused me and I can no longer see what is right and wrong.

That’s why Pancake tells me that I am task oriented and I don’t think out of the box and Stonehead says I’m like… no, I can’t say that here. Its demeaning and humiliating even for you to read it. I’ve lost respect to him for that.

Well anyway, I’d like to think a good boss will make full use of the employee’s skills instead of forcing them to become what they are not. Forget about the “its for your own good, for your development, etc”. I’ve heard it often enough until it makes no value anymore. The words are just to decorate the hardship you will face. Talk about brainwashing. Stonehead is good at that. But I’ve grown immune to it.

Anyway, back to my friend’s problem. I think his is a classic case of unreciprocated love from another person. The girl is very playful and she got bored with him. She thinks that he is too clingy. Tragedy strikes and my friend thought she needed a shoulder to cry on. However, his action was unappreciated and certainly unwelcome. The more he tried to be a friend, the more the girl avoided him, loathing his constant effort for contact and confusing his offer for support as clingy.

He was baffled by the girl’s lack of interest as he only wants be friends. After all, if they cannot be lovers, they could still be friends right? She means a lot to him and even though he knows she will never be his, he just wants her to be happy and at least still be friends.

He begged me to talk to this girl. To let her know that he cares. All he wanted is to be on talking terms and not to be seen as a nuisance. But what he didn’t know was that the girl and me used to be very close too. He forgot that our friendship dates back years before he got to know her. He didn’t realize that it’s just a game that the two girls play just to entertain themselves. Then one day, we both realized we went too far. Someone will get hurt and it’s too late to amend. We both regretted our decisions and are too ashamed to face each other. Since then, we drifted apart and became distant.

But he, he didn’t know all this. He didn’t understand the circumstances that we became distant. I was very embarrassed by the whole incident and felt guilty towards him. The girl, on the other hand, was trying to avoid him as she knew that he deserve much more than how she treated him.

But he didn’t understand. The more he tries to get closer, the more she retaliates, and the more frustrating I feel. Both persons are my friends. Both of them were at one time, talking to me, complaining about each other, saying things that the other person cannot know. Since then, I made a choice. I made a choice to maintain transparent communication. I feel that I know too much and that the more I know, the longer this will drag on. I choose to talk to only him, to keep me sane.

Since I stopped talking to her, things were a lot better. Well, yes, my friend still laments about her cold shoulder, but at least I only hear one side of the story and I am able to sympathies with him. He still hopes for her friendship and wants me to help, but for his sake, I refused to talk to the girl to explain his side of story. I knew what went wrong and I don’t want to make it worst. It may sound cruel, but it is for the best.

I’m sorry.

P/S: Do you believe in messing with people's mind? Do you believe that his story existed?

Nice songs... (Part 2)

Things are a whole lot more complicated that what you realized...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
[Chorus x2]

I am sorry for what I have done.

(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all thew things I didn't do for you
Hate me in way, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in8your heart to leave me behind

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways har d to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 3)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you do this to me?"

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

Nice songs...

We cannot stop other people from talking. Freedom of speech, No?

Oh, well imagine,
as I'm pacing the pews
in a church corridor
and I can't help but to hear
No, I can't help but to hear
an exchanging of words
"What a beautiful wedding."
"What a beautiful wedding,"
says a brides maid to a waiter.
"And, yes, but what a shame
what a shame the poor
groomsbride is a whore."
I'd chime in with a, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of hope...

Well in fact,
Well I'll look at it this way:
I mean technically our marriage is saved.
Well this calls for
a toast so
Pour the champagne
Oh, Well in fact,
Well I'll look at it this way
I mean technically our marriage is saved.
Well this calls for
a toast so
Pour the champagne.
Pour the champagne.

I'd chime in with a, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
Again

I chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No."
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
I chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
Again

On the other hand, we all have skeletons in our closet, don't we?

Honey why are you calling me so late
It’s kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can’t be too loud

Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And yes I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don’t think she has a clue
Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

31/10/06

"...You can call but dunwan to call... I wanna call but cant...sigh..."

The irony of life right?

29/10/06

I need to type this out to get it out of my system so that I could continue working.

Stonehead just walked pass by and gave a comment about something. That comment alone gave me a heart attack and I am still feeling the slightly pening-y and weak.

My heart is beating, my head is aching, my hands are shaking and its only 11am. The power he has over me.

On another note, I’ve managed to talk some sense into my friend for the time being. I hope you’ll be able to hold on for as long as you could before another emotion burst again.

When talking to you, you made me remember something. Something that I’ve always wanted to read. Something that I’d wander if it still exist. Something I wish to have. Something long long time ago. A black journal. Will I ever have a chance to read it?

There, I’ve said it all. Back to work!

Terrible week.

I had a week off during the festive season. It was an eventful week indeed.

1) Holiday with family - My family came up to stay at one of the resorts along the hill. Was looking forward to spending time with them. But, the Housekeeping ppl decided to be funny and put a sweet on each of the pillow. So, my bed was infested with ants and creepy crawlies no thanks to the "added touch". So much for good night rest.

2) No Internet - Streamyx also decides to go on a holiday during the festive season. So, despite my effort to bring back work, I couldnt do any. Thanks so much.

3) Friendship crisis - To cut a long story short, it was very exhausting to be involved in other people's problem.

4) A friend's father passed away - Enough said.

5) Ops! Sikap - This year, I made it to the Ops! Sikap statistics for unreported accident. It was raining, it happened on a slope, and the lights were green. Its a classic case of braking unnecessary and causing others behind to bang into each other (i'm one of those behind lor). The kereta kemek a bit, but my ten toes still intact

6) Pure stupidity - In the case of pure stupidity, after getting the car fix, I gostan right into another car's bumper while I was driving OUT of the mechanic's shop. Thus, adding brand new scratches to the car and also confirming the fact that women generally are lousy drivers.

But then again, this was my first time langgar-ing into another car after what, seven years of driving?? Then perhaps I was still in shock from the accident that makes me forget to check the car's alignment while reversing. Yea yea, excuses eh?

And all this while, I was broke, cashless and still had a long list of groceries to buy.

But two good things happened though. One, I managed to spend time talking to my mum and catching up with her. And the highlight of the week is of course going out with Nic to shop, watch movie and catch up. The movie, The Prestige was really really good, and I really enjoyed shopping and talking to her. Really helped me take my mind off things. She is one heck of a lucky girl (you know what I am talking about! haha) and we should start planning for our next trip. Hehe

Tomorrow I need to collect my report from the doctor. At the rate of things are going, I am preparing myself for the worst. This is not one of the best weeks.

Holiday definately not enough.

25 cents

Memperkenalkan aku punya “Dua puluh lima sen”…



Remember the advertisement on TV many years ago about a drunk driver hitting a young boy in a residential area?

Dead boy’s mum :*rushes to his side* KEVIN, KEVIN AH, KEEVIN..!!!
Nurse : Boy boy, can you hear me boy…???
Drunk Driver : *sob* *sob*

All good things must come to an end...

Its a good day. Been looking forward to today's dinner as a bunch of my college friends get together. Its been years since I've seen some of them.

Good to catch up and reminds me of how I miss their company :) Must meet up again okay???


This is a view of a fun fair I went a few days ago.

Its been years since I went to one.

And this is the first time since I won anything!

Usually, I don't play at any of the game booths. And I still don't, because I usually suck at the games and don't really win anything except to walk away and look longingly at those toys.

But this time, I walk away with not one, but TWO toys!! Hahaha, okay, so its not the huge ones, but at least I didnt walk away empty handed! Hehe, yeap, as I am as easily provoked, I am also very easy to please.

Its been a great week this week, a fantastic day today and tomorrow will be a relaxing birthday celebration for my cousin.

But all good things must come to an end right? And next week will be a bad one...

11/10/2006

I am very easily provoked.

The more you put force on me, the more I will rebel.

Especially if you are the kind of people who wants the “power” and go around being an asshole, I will be very easily angered.

And to think he actually told me about earning respect, support boss, learning curve…

KEPALA HOTAK YOU!

In fact, a couple of times I told him off by saying, “I should have recorded everthing you told me and replayed it back to you for you to listen instead!”

Talk about eating your own words…

10/10/2006

I’ve been busy.
And it’s a good thing cause it’s been a while since I am busy.

I like organizing and arranging events. The logistics and the urgency of things keep my mind busy although it mentally tires me. It is easy to see the satisfaction when a prog/event runs smoothly.

But when it was made complicated not due to factors, but by one person, it gets irritating. There is absolutely NO pleasing him. AT ALL. The fact that he changes his mind CONSTANTLY is not the problem. It is when he blames you for the change, THAT is a problem.

I’d like to think that he is purposely out there to make our life miserable, and it is his personal agenda to see us fail. His happiness is measured on our miserable-ness.

And I have to take it as a challenge to make it work.

And that is very tiring indeed.

On another note, there’s this nagging feeling that’s been with me for the past few days. Something or perhaps, many things are wrong, but somehow, I don’t know what it is or how to correct it.

Something just snapped weeks ago. There is so much anger inside me. Yet I have no means to get rid of it. I felt different somehow. Example, out of the sudden I can talk to an audience without fidgeting and rehearsing what I was about to say.
Perhaps it’s the fact that I was busy with the rest of the things happening that I don’t have time to be scared. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve taken so much bullshit from him that nothing else seems difficult anymore. Or it is the nearing of 2 yrs of working here and only one more year to go.

Things that happen past weeks? The big slap, the luncheons-that-nobody-really-wants-to-attend, the presentation, the trainings, the foreign trainers, the kosong-s, the patch, the trip and the candles.

And then, this morning already two things happened, the accidental findings on an unlikely alliance and the scandalous email that causes uproar in the hierarchy.

Yeap. I am definitely learning.

I had another dream...

This time around, I was in a kitchen...

Kitchen

To dream of a kitchen, denotes you will be forced to meet emergencies which will depress your spirits.

And in the kitchen, I was the person who cleans and wash...

Washer Woman
For a woman to dream that she is a washer woman, denotes that she will throw decorum aside in her persistent effort to hold the illegal favor of men.

And I was at the sink cleaning...

Cleaning
Dreaming that you are cleaning, implies that you are removing some negativity in your life and overcoming major obstacles. You are moving ahead toward a new stage in your life.

And I was cleaning the dishes...

Cleaning an object
Dreaming that you are cleaning an object, represents an aspect of yourself that is not working or functioning as well as it should.

Then I got bored. And I decided to kiss instead...

Kiss
Dreaming of a kiss indicates love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment.

I was kissing this one guy...

Kissing a person the opposite sex
If the dream ends just about you are about to kiss someone indicates that you are unsure of how he or she really feels about you. You are looking for some sort of relationship with this person but you are not sure about how to go about achieving it.

But I don't remember who he is...

Kissing a stranger
If you are kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get more acquainted with some aspect of yourself.

Then I suddenly thought of him...

Infidelity

To dream of infidelity (either by you or someone else), forewarns of your actions with the opposite sex or you will suffer dire consequences. You are harboring guilt over past relationships.

I stopped short. And I realized that the room has a lot of windows...

Window

To see windows in your dream, signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight.

I looked out and saw the clear bright sky...

Looking out a window

To dream that you are looking out the window, signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness, point of view, awareness, and intuition. You may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life.

And then I woke up.

So much of intepretation of dreams eh? This is the first time I had this dream, not the recurring ones. Not the dinasours. One-off dreams usually don't bothers me as much. But its just that sometimes its so vivid that I am often left confused.

I am a true believer that all our dreams is our subconcious mind and in its twisted ways, it all means something...

Five things about me.

Five things about me that sometimes I myself still don't believe...

1) Ballet dancer
Yea, long long time ago I was taking ballet lessons. Don’t get me wrong, but I hated those lessons. Not only were the classes inconvineatly on Saturdays AND Sundays (thus filling up my weekends and everything pretty much revolves around it), I also hated the lessons. I just don’t see the reason to learn and dance the same bloody thing whole year around just to dance the same thing on exams. To me, it was rigid and I didn’t see anything good out of it (I wasn’t considering a career in it thus it lagi doesn’t make sense to me…).

The last straw? Its when they decides to fail me in my Grade 6 exams. And the reason is? Oh no, not because I wasn’t not dancing good, but apparently its because of this stupid muscle on my knee (of ALL places) that I didn’t flex (and I here make clear that I didn’t know that I was supposed to flex as non of the teachers told me about it, heck, I wandered if they knew that something is wrong with me in the first place!)

So, yeap, I was already hating my leassons and with the result, I told my mum (she knew I didn’t like it anymore long time but still want me to go) that this is just the best reason for me to quit and not waste anymore money on this. And so, I packed my ballet shoes (the ones that have hard toes and hurts like hell and I don’t remember what its called), went to the school, gave them the shoes and told them, “I quit. I am donating these shoes.”

Sigh. Life improves since then. I gain weight the moment I stopped dancing. I presevered and this is what I get.

2) Music teacher
My first and longest part time job. I was still in college, I was learning organ and I was in Grade 6 (I think!). My music school opened another branch nearby and my teacher asked if I’ve be interested to teach. It all started when I substituted her classes one or twice and then I became a part time teacher myself. My first student is this cute guy who wants to learn keyboard. Damn cute wan! Then there was this old lady, a couple of teenagers and many kids. In particular, a lesson with this super adorable kid, where once I scolded him for being naughty and he packed his bag to leave!!! Panicked, I offered him stickers to calm him down. Hehe Teaching kids were easy, just loads of songs, music, clapping, singing, stickers and colour pencils.

I taught for a year. My highest income at one point of time hit RM1k, and I am only working a few hours each Sat and Sun. Imagine the money I could make if I go full time. Unfortunately, I stopped my classes and quit my lessons when I went over to Aust to continue studying. I never managed to continue my lessons when I returned.

And my organ in my house is collecting dust.

2) Dim Sum girl

My only part time job in Aust. I was a dim sum girl at a chinese restaurant in Chinatown. I worked a couple of hours about 2-3 days a week in the morning. Good experience, my only experience in F&B. We had fun! I couldn’t read the chinese words to diferentiate the different types of teas, so I couldn’t serve and take orders. I cleared tables and pushed the dim sum cart around lor.

Memorable incidents includes the constant curi-ing of food in the kitchen to eat, my ten-WHOLE-minute to clear a dirty 10-seater table and of course, the looks on the angmohs face when I introduce them to chicken feet! Hahaha

I didn’t work there long. Only for my 1st semester. After which I decided not to work anymore. And hence the allowance money also dropped. Hehehe Think on an average, I earned around $50 per week or so.

4) Croupier
So, on a more recent timing, I was trained to be a croupier when I was a Management Trainee. Its something that I had wanted to do as part time since I was in school but my parents (naturally) was against it. So, in a simpler sense, its like a dream come true for me lah. It was certainly a good experience, and although I didn’t really work full time on that position, but still, its god enough exposure for me.

I don’t think I could last long if I were to be in this position as a partimer in school. Favourite game to deal? Bacarrat. 3 rows of games and it will be my turn to break. But most interactive game? Pontoon lor… “Sir/Mdm, card/stay/double?” Least favourite game? Roulette, cause its too much use of brain to calculate payment and such an irritating task to sweep the chips and arrange them nicely just to sweep them down again the next minute.

And once, I collected RM70 and payout to customer RM120 worth of chips.

5) RM38,000,000.00
Right. RM38million cold hard cash right in front of me. Eish, RM1million cash in a bank branch safe? Nothing lah…

I still cannot believe it. Thirty eight million of cold hard ringgits right in front of me. All nicely counted, clipped and banded together in rows and rows across the tables. I could feel it, touch it and toss it around. Heck I even did the counting.

RM38 million. Cash. Chinese New Year Eve. When its done, I went out just in time to see the fireworks at 12am. And then I went back to room to sleep.

That was crazy.

Crack of dawn...

Yesterday night after the movie, I remembered...

Contary to what I believe, I actually like being awake in the morning. Especially the time from 5 in the morning right up until 7am.

I remembered back when I was in uni, how I used to stay awake at night and only go to sleep at the crack of dawn when it just about to get bright. There were also times when we hang out and stayed up all night and then have breakfast at Mcdonalds. Think there were also once where we had pancakes as well for breakfast. There were the occational dim sums as well, especially when I was working midnight.

I like being awake at the crack of dawn. I like it being somewhat bright but not as bright as when the sun is up. I enjoyed the peace and quiet. Though I don't enjoy waking up at that time, but I like staying up to enjoy it. I like the dark blue sky as it gets brighter. I like the smell and cool fresh air. I like watching people getting ready for the day, as they opened their shops/stalls, getting into the car, etc. I like how my skin feels (super dry from dehyration and missing a night's sleep), my eyes would be dryer still. Although I would be feeling completely messed up, I missed feeling that.

And the best part about it? When it gets too bright and when everyone is just waking up for the day, I get to go back to sleep to the sound of people getting ready and the chirping of the birds...

22/09/06

I feel like a hypocrite sometimes…

We talked about friends who applied for married quarters after they registered their marriage,
And here I am, wishing I could do the same.

We talked about friends who were very “supportive” of their bosses,
And here I am, where people only reply to my emails after they found out who I report to.

We talked about friends who were eating way too much that is dangerous to their health,
And here I am, eating fried mushrooms, fried chickens, fried pancake, fried noodles and ice-cream sitting on a pavement next to a drain for dinner!

We talked about friends who cannot spend time with us just because they want to be with their other half,
And here I am, spending the whole week after work with him and not any other friends.

Hmm… No, I don’t feel like a hypocrite sometimes. In fact, I am one! :P

Porkchops, anyone?

So, Monday night I went to sleep eagerly anticipating the wonderful view I will see when I wake up in the morning. I was looking forward to the bright sun, blue sky and fantastic view from above.

But this is what I get…

Dull and grey view. What a damper…
Eish, boring betul…

Anyway, the conversation turns to holiday destinations and BALI was discussed.

Me: I’ve never been to BALI, but I think it would be similar to Phuket – lots of cheap sorveniers, beers, angmohs and local women.
Him: Yea, I suppose.
Me: When I was in Phuket, I felt so little as the attention was at the local women and also the transvetite shows..
Him: Yea, I suppose.
Me: I mean, everyone knows that the transvetite’s body is fake and the ladies (to make themselves feel better) would say, “Cheh, fake one what…” but still the guys would still be ogling at them.
Him: Yea, I suppose.
Me: Standing next to the local women and the transvetite makes me feel like a porkchop, you know…
Him: !!??
Me: Hm, okay, so I am not porkchop, but I feel like a bacon. Nice on its own, but compared to marinated beef ribs, lose liao…
Him: Yea, I supose.
Me: WHAT!!?? *Scream, pinch, yell and punch*

Hehe, yea, so I make the last bit up. But you’ll get the idea…

24 MP3s.

This is what I have left of you…

1. Evanescence – My Immortal
2. Avril Lavigne – Don’t Tell Me
3. Christina Aguilera – The Voice Within
4. Evanescence – Bring Me To Life
5. Gwyneth Paltrow & Huey Lewis – Cruising Together
6. Jason Mraz – You & I
7. Kris Dayanti – Menghitung Hari
8. Lionel Richie - I don’t know much but I know I love you
9. Mariah Carey – My All
10. Mariah Carey – Hero
11. Mariah Carey – Butterfly
12. Moulin Rouge Soundtrack – Come What May
13. Simple Plan – Perfect
14. Sarah Mclachlan – In The Arms Of The Angel
15. Sheila on 7 – Berhenti Berharap
16. Silverchair – After All These Years
17. Ten Things I Hate About You Soundtrack – I Want You To Want Me
18. Vonda Shepard – Ally Mcbeal – I Only Want To Be With You
19. Daniel Powter – Bad Day

And 5 Sammi Cheng’s songs.

These are my favorites in your list. I copied them into my pen drive just days before you died on me.

Each and everyone of them remind me of different things. I get so easily absorbed into the songs and wanted so much to be back to the times when I used to listen to them. Almost wishing that the songs never end so that I could still hold on to those memories and times that I am transported back to. I remembered the feeling, I remembered the scenery, I remember the sounds, the lights…

But I tried not to listen to them too often. It drains too much energy away from me. The reality check is too confusing just to relive those moments. In fact, I carry the feeling with me for a while before I could let go. Vivid, they’d say.

A trip down the memory lane, so it seems…

Hypermarts and freedom

I don’t know why, but it definitely has something to do with it…

We went to a hypermart after work yesterday. Initially, after a tensed day at work, we were supposed to have dinner together with friends that night. I wasn’t too keen and was looking forward to get away from the hill and away from it all. We then made plans to go pasar malam, but after thinking about the heat and crowd, I suggested the hypermart instead (aircon, huge space and shopping!).

And so, we had dinner at the restaurant at the hypermarket, and I still was thinking about work. Even right before we step into the hypermart, I am still troubled by it. But as soon as we went it, I quickly forgot about it all. In fact, after a while inside, I suddenly thought about it and wandered aloud, “hey, I forgot about work…”.

It was very therapeutic indeed. After paying for our purchases (we didn’t buy much), I felt relaxed, charged, and ready to face it all.

I don’t know why. Perhaps its because after nearly 2 years working here, I am beginning to feel sick of this place. Or perhaps it’s the fun when looking at things at the grocery store. Or the sense of peace where we can walk and stroll without bumping into a familiar face every 5th person we walk past by. Or it’s just the freedom and joy of being a paying customers that I can appreciated good service and complaint on bad service without feeling guilty because I am not paying for it.

Yea, I think it is. I think I enjoy being a paying customer without having a meal thinking as if I owe it to them for being able to eat at all! And hypermarts are a great place to go cause we both can enjoy browsing through the things together. We can walk around and enjoy the privacy that everyone else deserves without risking our fun being told by other people.

Sigh, the sense of freedom…

11/09/2006

I.NEED.TO.STOP.SHOPPING.

And there is only ONE way I know that will work.

I now pay close to RM7k a year for my insurance premium.

05/09/2006

There's been some major restructuring going on in the organization for the past weeks.

There is nothing much that we can do about the changes. And being an Exec in the big organization, changes in the org only means we have different bosses. But our job functions remains the same. Its only when u are at a higher position, that is where the politics kicks in.

Oh well, I've accepted my position, and I will continue to do what I was told. I will let them do all the fighting and its time for me to "Sit back, relax and enjoy the show".

Pass the popcorn please...

04/09/2006

The previous post is a bit too dark for my liking… Time to talk about some happy things!!

I have been on a cleaning frenzy since the pipe burst in the bathroom. I have cleaned the toilet, scrubbed the bathroom, reorganized my wardrobe, wiped the cupboards, mopped the floor, and most importantly, cleared my room cause they are changing the linoleum in our room!!! We have been hoping to change it since the current one is old and makes the room looks dull. But we didn’t want to clear our stuff cause its too messy. Since the burst pipe incident, its an excuse for us to finally get it done. And so, now our room looks bright, clean, blue and empty!! Excused myself from work for about 2 hours after lunch to go back cause the ppl need the occupant to be in the room. And so now, I am just lepaking in the office for another hour, and then will go back for another (hopefully final) round of cleaning! Then can unload all my stuff back to their place… Gosh, this packing & unpacking makes me dread moving to the new hostel next year!!!

The Mega sale have ended, and my total purchases are 1 bikini, 2 baju kedahs, 2 pairs of shoes, 8 tops, 1 skirt, 1 bag, 2 Starbucks mooncake and a whole lot of lingeries!!! Total amount spent? I don’t dare to count, though I think I spend more than RM800 on lingeries.. :P Now, I am “paying” the price of the shopping spree and looking at my credit card bills. Oh well, I’ll figure something out.

Then hor, 2 months later will be another season of shopping for Christmas and CNY. Damn…

01/09/2006

I had two types of recurring dreams that I hate. One is being chased and the other is when someone died/fell ill. But when I dream of her, its a different story. Everytime I dream of her, I am overwhelmed with this sense of love. But when I wake up, it leaves me confused as I felt lost without her.
I dreamt about her this morning. This time, she took the form of a dog. She was a cross breed between a dog and a bear (don't ask me why, it is a dream afterall). I remembered she clinging on my arm so tightly and shivering. I hugged her and rubbed her all over wishing I could make her feel better.
And so I woke up, confused yet again. I woke up and decided I should not spend the day at home watching tv again. So I got ready and went out of the house, not knowing where I'd go. This is the first time I went out without knowing where I am going. All I know is, I just want to get out of the house (nobody was at home). So, I went to take $$$ and drive through McDonalds to takeaway my lunch. My mind was thinking and wandering where I should go...

And then, I remember that place.

And so, I slowly make my way to that place, driving through with the help of the signboards as I dont really remember how to go there anymore. My mind was going "Oh well, if I dont find that place, I could use it as an excuse to drive around anyway.."

When I finally arrived, I was suprised as the place was not as big as I remembered it to be. I ended up walking the whole place for 3 times. It reminds me of a certain shopping complex that I used to frequent back when I was in Australia studying. The structure, the shops, the lightings, the ambiance, all reminds me of that place. Yup, its just the place I want to be. Somewhere to take my mind off things.

And so, that marks the end of the 4 offdays. I'll be back up tomorrow at work. Good time spent.

:)

Happy Merdeka people!

30/08/06

Went to see doctor and this is what I found out...

1) She discovered a small fibroid measuring 1cm and told me its normal "but if you are worried, come back for another scan in 6 months time" (and since a normal routine checkup timespan would be 2 years apart, 6 months is a bit short and scary) !@#$%

2) I only have 6 more years to go before I need to consider other options.

3) I am in the bracket of people who are in a higher risk of a certain type of illness.

4) I gained 3kg since my last visit (2 1/2 years ago)

And that gave me enough reasons to continue my shopping spree...

Received an sms from a friend asking where I'd be tonight. Then it struck me that tonight is Merdeka Eve and I have not thought of going out to celebrate or countdown-ing. Cause:

1) I am a lazy bum.

2) I have no money.

3) I don't want to be out where the crowd is.

4) I cannot drink & then drive.

5) I don't trust myself to drink while my "bodyguard" is not around :P

So, I am lazy, I am tired, I am broke, I am worried of the crowd and he is working. So I am staying home. No regrets at all. But I will miss the fireworks uphill though :(

Fibroid

What are uterine fibroids?
Uterine fibroids are tumors or lumps made of muscle cells and other tissue that grow within the wall of the uterus. Fibroids may grow as a single tumor or in clusters.A single fibroid can be less than one inch in size or can grow to eight inches across or more. A bunch or cluster of fibroids can also vary in size.

What causes uterine fibroids?
Currently, we know little about what causes uterine fibroids. Scientists have a number of theories, but none of these ideas explains fibroids completely. Most likely, fibroids are the end result of many factors interacting with each other. These factors could be genetic, hormonal, environmental, or a combination of all three. Once we know the cause or causes of fibroids, our efforts to find a cure or even prevent fibroids will move ahead more quickly.

Is a Fibroid Cancerous?
Uterine fibroid tumors are benign growths, and are only very rarely malignant. Less than one percent develop into uterine cancer. These very rare occurrences generally occur in women during menopause. The vast majority of leiomyomas are not life threatening, although some can cause health complications. Having fibroids does not increase your risk for uterine cancer.

What are the treatments for uterine fibroids?
If you have uterine fibroids, but show no symptoms or have no problems, you may not need any treatment. Your health care provider will check the fibroids at your routine gynecological exam to see if they have grown. Also, because fibroids are dependent on hormones, your fibroids may decrease in size during/after menopause.If you have pain now-and-then or feels mild symptoms, your health care provider may suggest pain medication, ranging from over-the-counter remedies to strong prescription drugs.

Who gets uterine fibroids?
Most of the time, fibroids grow in women of childbearing age. Research studies estimate that doctors diagnose up to 30 percent of women of childbearing age with uterine fibroids; but, because some women show no symptoms of fibroids, as many as 77 percent of women of childbearing age could have the condition, without knowing it. We don’t know exactly how many new cases of fibroids occur in a year, nor do we know how many women have fibroids at any one time.There have also been reports of rare cases in which young girls who have not yet started their periods (pre-pubertal) had small fibroids. Researchers have also found that fibroids sometimes run in families. Researchers now recognize several risk factors for uterine fibroids.

Current statistics place African American women at three to five times greater risk than white women for fibroids. Women who are overweight or obese for their height (based on body mass index or BMI*) are also at slightly higher risk for fibroids than women who are average weight for their height. Women who have given birth appear to be at lower risk for uterine fibroids. But, because we don’t know what causes fibroids, we also don’t know what increases or decreases the risk.

Are there any pregnancy complications involved?
Most leiomyomas do not interfere with pregnancy, but size and location can cause complications. The extra blood flow to the womb during pregnancy can stimulate tumor growth. Occasionally, caesarean sections may be required to counteract complications. Possible complications include miscarriage, premature contractions, and premature labor.

Infomation extracted from here and here.

Its been more than a year now...

I just realize I have been doing this for more than a year now. It all started at Friendster on June 2005. I have been wanting to learn how to post more links at the side. But I never gotten around doing it :P Been thinking about moving the previous post in Friendster up here so that everything is at 1 place...
I'm back in KL for a 4 day break. Didnt really had anything planned, will just see how things go. Torn between some last minute shopping and my credit card bill this month.
Seriously need a break...

27/08/06

I had a nightmare this morning.
I dreamt that there is a huge tsunami in Malaysia. It is like a scene from the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. A huge wave came crashing in. Soon, everything is covered with snow, me and my brother were among the survivors.
But that wasn’t what is bothering me.
In my dream, my brother fell ill and lost his voice. We only found out about his deteorating condition when a colleague said “You ada mati tulang syndrome, tau tak?”… I was shocked and I touched his arm. His arm was cold. Since he couldn’t speak, he wrote something on a piece of paper, noting down a common type of medicine to relieve his pain temporary. When my colleague left, I said, we must get you help. He replied, “I won’t be able to survive the journey…”
I woke up soon after. But when I fell back to sleep, I continued dreaming and I have thought of piggy-back him to get him help (cause its covered in snow outside remember? And I read somewhere that piggyback a person is a good way to keep warm as the bodyheat is close to each other…)
Unfortunately, he succumbed to the illness and died soon after.

1) I actually went online to check if there are illness called ‘mati tulang, tulang mati, dead bone, bone dead” just to see if there is really such things.
2) I am deeply troubled with the coming of the “end of the world” day.
3) My brother is sick and died (at least in the dream) and that gave me a sickening feeling.

I hate these kinda dreams. I want to document this because I believe that if you remember the details of your dream, it will not likely to happen. I want to make sure I remember so that non of this would happen.
Yea yea, its stupid cause it is just a dream. But it makes me look forward to my 4 days leave in KL even more!

26/08/06

I have been bitching a lot lately…

I used to hate fakes and I used to not able to understand how people can be fake. I used to not been able to dislike a person but can look into their eyes and smile the sweetest smile. I do not understand how I could pretend that I like someone even though I hate that person to the core.

I had my first exposure to people faking each other out in my first job. Its like a learning curve. In my third job, I was given the opportunity to learn how to be a fake. The first year was difficult as I constantly struggle with what is right and wrong. I was confused at times when I didn’t know how to behave anymore.
2nd year into my current job, I begin to understand. I can bitch about certain someones behind their back and once they show up, had the sweetest smile in my face while attempting to start a very friendly conversation.
Even I surprise myself sometimes. Back then, if a person wronged me, it would affect me emotionally. But now, I remember every single detail and I story-ed it back to my friends. At the same time, maintaining a civil relationship with that person in particular.
I am aware of what I have become. And so, I tried to avoid these people who irritate me. By avoiding them, I minimise the chance for me to bitch about them. But sometimes, the kay-poh side got the better of me and I will find chance to be near to them so that I could dig some interesting gossip to spread around.

I forgive, but I don’t forget.
And to defend myself, I only bitch about certain people who wronged me before. The rest, I just shut-up and listen.

I hope I won’t turn out to be like her. Yikes! And as a first step towards healing and changing, I here forgive and apologize to the people I bitch about before. I am sorry…

But if you repeat what you did to me again, I will make sure the others know about it…

19/08/2006

You know how sometimes bad news can spoil your day?

How the situation change and there is no one whom you can vent out your frustration to?

How you wish you could blame someone but you have a faultless person in front of you?

Its just crap. Total crap I tell you.

Jakuns...

Yesterday, we went down to this Korean restaurant for dinner. It’s at this place where they called the “Korean Village”… something like Chinatown, only its full of Koreans.
The food was fantastic. I didn’t take pictures cause I wasn’t about to do a review on that place. But what I wanted to share about is how jakun I felt at that restaurant and how out of place we felt at that place.
First thing first, the closest I’ve been to the Korean culture was when I went to Korea for a trip with my family few years ago. I still remember having a great time there. The food was great, the weather was cold and the sight-seeing is fantastic! We had ginseng chicken, raw squid (yes, if u’ve seen fwd emails of Koreans makan-ing live squids, I’ve tried that!), grilled pork/beef (which apparently was one of the famous meals there).
And so, we had grilled beef/pork yesterday. And suddenly I am in my jakun mode cause I was asking the lady (very nice and patient lady who speaks English with an American slang) about the dishes and how we go about eating it. At one point of time, I asked if they have served us the wrong dish cause we asked for marinated pork but they gave us fresh ones. The waiter was acting like an asshole cause I wanted to speak to the lady (whom we ordered from), but he stood there (blocking my view to catch the lady’s eye) and keeps saying, “we don’t have any marinated pork today”. !@#$%
Now, what I wanted to point out is from the customer view, I would have said that the waiter is being pandai-pandai and well, being cocky and all. BUT, if I were to transport the whole scenario back up to the hills where WE are the employees, I would have thought, gosh, what a stupid customer, I said don’t have, means don’t have lah. See my boss also no use what!?!
Hmm, get it? Being in the service industry, I was constantly exposed to juicy stories on difficult customers. And when a bunch of us sit down together, the conversation would be either about our bosses or exchanging stories about customers.
And now, as a paying customer in that restaurant, I was suddenly very confused on how I should have act and felt. Who is wrong now? If u are not from the service industry, u’ll probably say, Customer is always right, blah blah blah. But, the customers are NOT always right. There is a fine line between the customers being right and INSISTING that they are right. One is our fault for giving wrong info, and the latter is just about pacifying the customer to LET them think they are right.
So, after the dinner (food was really good!), we took a walk around the neighborhood and visited a few of its supermarts (see, I told you we go dating in supermarkets, damn pathetic right???) Now, suddenly, we found ourselves in unfamiliar territory. The shop owners are Korean, the items being sold is Korean, even the customers are Korean! We really felt as if we were in Korea. I find the experience somewhat intimidating, cause at that time, WE are the outsiders… Scary…
But of course, I am not (at all!) faulting the Koreans. Don’t get me wrong. I am just saying that suddenly, FOC, and without traveling, we find ourselves at unfamiliar places with unfamiliar ppl speaking unfamiliar languages, ALL FREE OF CHARGE!!
Cool right? A mini shopping/makan-ing experience in Korea FOC!

It was a good night. And to wrap it up, while driving back uphill, we came across a new mini-mart along the road:
Des:Eh, got M-Mart wor!
Me: Yea lor, yea lor, yea lor!!
Des: Want to go??
Me: Want! Want! Want!

See, I told you we have been reduced to jakuns really when we are uphill all the time.

You and I Both

How is that for a change?
But then again, I am in the "green" mode. I seems to be buying hell lots of green stuff this year. So, the choice of colour for this new template is not suprising eh?

Just wanted to post this lyrics up by Jason Mraz...

You and I Both Lyrics
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me?
All things are gonna happen naturally.
Oh, taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing.
Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines.
And the bright light turns to night.
Oh, until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me.

chorus:

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others only read of
Others only read of the love
Of the love that I loved.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words;
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words.
More words than I, had ever heard and I, feel so alive.
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Oh, then you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally

Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephone
well, they're workin in both ways
But if I never ever hear it ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of and if you could see me now
Well then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedeedeede
Well i'm almost finally finally
well out of words

---
Well, its not a new song, but somehow I like it :)

12/08/06

I was dead tired by the time I hit home. It was a tiring day indeed. My room was flooded because some pipes in the bathroom apparently burst. The water seep through the floor and flooded my room. My walls & ceilings are dry, but the floor coverings are all wet. !@#$% Thank god the water is clean! Looks like i'll be staying in a wet room for dunno-how-long until they fix it.

As I speed my way back home after cleaning the room, I thought about you again.

How I (on previous entry) go on and on about being sad that you are no longer around and how I felt about ever finding a replacement of you.

But deep inside, I knew I never intended to ever replace you. I never wanted to have a anything that knew exactly what you knew. I wanted the good memories to be with you. I wanted the bad memories to leave with you as well.

Somehow, I am never quite a person who likes to look into the past materials. Yes, I may like to dwell in the past, but I never really have a liking to looking at old pictures, diaries, etc. Note the word "materials". I dont know, perhaps I knew the pictures and diaries would only serve as a captions of my life for others to see, but it will never be as good as my memories for I am the one who experience it myself right? Yea, the pictures shows a happy face, but i knew what happen before and after it.

Sigh, oh well, i suppose I would be over you soon. We had good times, but you were also the one who are around during the low time of my life. You carries the memories with you. And perhaps, this would be another step for me to move forward in life. And to do that, I would have to leave you behind...

What to do...?

Sigh, just when I finally figured out how to be with you more often, you die-ed on me. Yea, I know, I already have warnings about you being sick and all, but i didnt realize you'll go so suddenly...

It was about two years ago when you started showing signs of ailing. I am sory that I didnt even let you be treated when you were diagnose with an ailment that will worsen over time. The doctor gave me a high quote for your bill and i guess at that point of time, I just want to bring you home to die happy at home, or rather, I counldnt afford the medical bills. I didnt buy insurance for you (so, people out there, take this as a lesson). Furthermore, the doctors wasnt very sure of the diagnose as well. They did not give me full confidence in your recovery. I had no confidence in them, and I certainly do not want to leave you alone with the rest of the sickly ones.

I got to know you four years ago. We have a good time together. I remember the days when its just the both of us in the early hours in the morning. You teman me and kept me awake until dawn. You let me keep in touch with the ones i love and keeps on motivating me and making sure I am not alone.

I am somewhat still in denial when I found out about your condition. I keep saying to myself, you're strong, its been so long and yet you are still going on, etc... I keep denying about the fact that you were sick, and thusI havent really prepared myself for this day. I dont believe that you will leave me one day. Even with the warnings and as time flew by, I made absolutely no preparations at all to prepare me for this day. Everything I have, I let you have. So many sweet memories, you knew about everything, the trips, the scenery, the pictures, the dairies,...I never thought of replacing you. Nothing could. It is just too painful to find a replacement and re-tell all the stories that you knew.

Even when you went suddenly that day, I was extremely calm. I was too shocked to feel anything. But I knew you held on for as long as you could. Even if I could revive you, I am not sure if I want to do it. Cause i know you must have suffered a lot.

Its like the million-dollar question. Would you prolonged a loved one's life and do everything you could just to make sure its alive even though you'll are also prolonging the pain and suffering?

Would I now make any attempts at all to make sure you stay alive or let you die a peaceful death...?