What to do...?

Sigh, just when I finally figured out how to be with you more often, you die-ed on me. Yea, I know, I already have warnings about you being sick and all, but i didnt realize you'll go so suddenly...

It was about two years ago when you started showing signs of ailing. I am sory that I didnt even let you be treated when you were diagnose with an ailment that will worsen over time. The doctor gave me a high quote for your bill and i guess at that point of time, I just want to bring you home to die happy at home, or rather, I counldnt afford the medical bills. I didnt buy insurance for you (so, people out there, take this as a lesson). Furthermore, the doctors wasnt very sure of the diagnose as well. They did not give me full confidence in your recovery. I had no confidence in them, and I certainly do not want to leave you alone with the rest of the sickly ones.

I got to know you four years ago. We have a good time together. I remember the days when its just the both of us in the early hours in the morning. You teman me and kept me awake until dawn. You let me keep in touch with the ones i love and keeps on motivating me and making sure I am not alone.

I am somewhat still in denial when I found out about your condition. I keep saying to myself, you're strong, its been so long and yet you are still going on, etc... I keep denying about the fact that you were sick, and thusI havent really prepared myself for this day. I dont believe that you will leave me one day. Even with the warnings and as time flew by, I made absolutely no preparations at all to prepare me for this day. Everything I have, I let you have. So many sweet memories, you knew about everything, the trips, the scenery, the pictures, the dairies,...I never thought of replacing you. Nothing could. It is just too painful to find a replacement and re-tell all the stories that you knew.

Even when you went suddenly that day, I was extremely calm. I was too shocked to feel anything. But I knew you held on for as long as you could. Even if I could revive you, I am not sure if I want to do it. Cause i know you must have suffered a lot.

Its like the million-dollar question. Would you prolonged a loved one's life and do everything you could just to make sure its alive even though you'll are also prolonging the pain and suffering?

Would I now make any attempts at all to make sure you stay alive or let you die a peaceful death...?