With 2008 almost drawing to the end, we are aware that we need to kick our lazy ass off the couch and put on our thinking caps if we ever want our wedding to materialize in 2009.

However, (I'm sure like any other couple), we have disagreements over how things should be done. The fact that we're half world away from KL doesnt make it any easier either.

Hence, we've decided to try a new concept. We would like to invite you, our friends and family to comment on issues that we find hard to agree on. Depending on the response we get, we're toying with the idea to make our wedding YOUR wedding by posting up numerous mind boggling issues that needs decision making.

But BEFORE we go so far ahead, we would like to set up a few simple questions just to help us with some ideas. Perhaps, if the response is good, we will continue to develop it into something better (for a better word, ADVENTUROUS, in another word, LAZY).

So, lets starts this off by asking you a few simple questions in which we can build the foundation of our wedding plan. Your response will be very much appreciated, and please leave comments on your thoughts about the polls.

Cheerleading?

Its things like these that makes me regret not pursuing my dancing class properly when I was a kid.



Gives me goosebumps everytime but yet I can watch it nonstop continuously.

Untitled.

Des is coming back in an hour's time.

Many thoughts were in my head, yet I dont know how to phase them in groups.

Been taking the bus home for the past few days. Instead of tube+tube, I'm doing bus+tube. I dont know why, but London tube really bores me. I recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the phrase 'surrounded by people but yet feels lonely'. Not like I have a problem with it anyway. But I finds that the fact that it is underground and you cant look outside to let your thoughts wander is what depressed me. After work, I just cant find the energy to force my brain into concentrating in reading a book. Wandering eyes is considered rude. Especially since you're the only one doing it.

I really just want to look outside and see that the world is moving.

Maybe I should walk home tomorrow.

On the other end of my spectrum of thoughts, I'm only capable to taking more than I give. Dont be sorry, neither am I apologetic. Lets just say I'm built this way. Most of the bricks is laid by me anyway.

Like what everyone says, its just purely to protect oneself. Better you than me right?

Life works in the funniest way. I had a short argument with my collegue today, about whether 12 o'clock afternoon should be 12am or 12pm. Life is funny, the argument is not.

Remember one of my favourite phrases?

'Life is not fair. If it is, I'm nothing...'

I'm so going to walk home tomorrow...

28/10/08

I'm in lala land right now. In my own little world, driving myself crazy with thoughts of the recession, weakening pound and losing job. Not good timing to kacau me right now. Obviously, as always, things are not as bad as I reported, but I'm the queen of drama right???

27/10/08

I was just reading through some of the old post way back earlier this year and last year and I cried my eyes out.

I'm so glad that 512 managed to capture all these moments. But I do noticed that there were hardly any 'happy' post.

Is it because I was hardly happy? I am aware that 512 captures a significant amount of stressful times in my life. But that is probably because I write better when I'm angry.

Hence, if you're reading this, please dont mistaken that I'm this angry and horrible sad woman. (Well, I probably am some of the times). Its just that most of the happier times I'm either spending it away from the laptop or captured in PITM.

:)

Everything is fine for now. But expect horrible post in the future, as I will be losing my temp job in November and I will drive myself (and Des) up the wall again with my antics of not able to find jobs. I suspect I will be in a 'suitable' mood fuel with enough emotion to write about the updates by then.

Watch out for this space! Take care everyone!

10/10/08

You know what, I suddenly have flashbacks on life up the hill.

The multi storey escalators. The indoor theme park. The crowded lobby. The conference center. The outdoor theme park. The brightly lit walk way.

How the hell did we managed to spend three years there???

Beautiful

Remember what I said about cheesy wedding songs?

I think I just about found the perfect cheesy song for the wedding!



Lyrics

Things are fine for now. Will update soon on my thoughts....

Fall Out Boy songs

Am slowly searching for songs for our wedding and I'm keen to use my favourite songs (as I'm trying to stay away from old cheesy wedding march songs). Sadly, emo-rock songs doesnt seems to go with wedding themes (if you listen to the previously karaoke posts of you-tube links)

Oh well, continueing on the karaoke songs, below are my favourite Fall Out Boy songs.

This Aint a Scene, its an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy

Lyrics



Thanks for the memories - Fall Out Boy

Lyrics



I'm like a lawyer - Fall Out Boy

Lyrics



And how can we forget this?

Sugar we're going down - Fall Out Boy


Lyrics

01/10/08

I had in my mind this short straight-to-the-point post about my difficulty in sleeping, which slowly manifest itself into a long full blown bottomline-the-real-reason anger that took me quite sometime to settle down before drifting off the sleep.

I'd very much like to blame the cold water but I suspect the medication could have something to do with it.

I'm in my indecisive mood again, for I cannot even plan our trip in Oct anymore. 40 pounds for 6 mile away or 50 pounds for 3 miles away? Bus or train? 8am or 3pm? Blackpool first or Manchester first? North or South? Sun or Monday? Tuesday maybe?

I forsee another nervous breakdown in days to come.

28/09/08

Read the article below (extracted straight from here), and tell me what you think...

Devout muslim sues Tesco for religious discrimination after he was made to carry crates of alcohol

A muslim is suing Tesco for religious discrimination after having to carry crates of alcohol as part of his job.

Forklift truck driver Mohammed Ahmed, 32, worked in one of the supermarket giant's warehouses for eight months before quitting 'in protest', an employment tribunal heard.

He claims he was forced to leave because handling beer, spirits and wine is against his strict Islamic beliefs and that he was victimised when he asked the company to give him another role.

Mr Ahmed, who was raised in Saudi Arabia, told the tribunal he had no idea his job entailed handling alcohol when he started work at the distribution depot in Lichfield, Staffordshire, last September.

When he realised it did, he asked to be found different work but alleges that one of his supervisors told him: 'You do the job or go home.'

Mr Ahmed also claimed his line manager was 'aggressive' towards him and another supervisor angrily told him: 'Do not take the p***.'

The situation allegedly worsened in November and December when extra alcohol arrived at the warehouse in readiness of Christmas, the tribunal in Birmingham heard.

Mr Ahmed claimed he eventually lodged an official grievance with the company in February but was 'victimised and harassed' as a result.

Asked why he took so long to raise a grievance in the first place, he said: 'Many meetings were being held in the meantime to discuss the situation.'

The tribunal heard that since the case emerged Tesco has ensured its induction process makes clear that handling alcohol is part of the job.

But Laura Canham, the company's solicitor, said it was still unrealistic for Mr Ahmed to say he had no idea what his duties would be.

Mr Ahmed claimed he had never visited a Tesco store and was not aware the company sold alcohol.

But he admitted having shopped in other supermarkets - including Sainsbury's, Lidl and ASDA - and noticing alcohol was on sale there.

Miss Canham said: 'He was advised at the outset what the job would entail. At no stage did he raise the fact he could not handle alcohol.'

She told the hearing managers did all they could to help Mr Ahmed, adding: 'They went to see if there were any other roles available for him.

'He applied for a maintenance job, but he was unsuccessful. All other roles, in some form or other, also came into contact with alcohol.'

The tribunal was told Mr Ahmed also gave out 'mixed messages', at one stage suggesting he was allowed to handle Budweiser beer.

Miss Canham denied the company discriminated against him and said: 'It would be reasonable to expect him to be aware of what Tesco did.'

Mr Ahmed, of Derby, who is suing the firm for racial discrimination, victimisation and harassment, is set to learn the outcome of the case later this week.

He said: 'I was asking for my rights. I am not saying I am a perfect person, but there was a conflict with my beliefs.

'It is in our religion that we are not allowed to handle alcohol. In the UK there are equal opportunities that should protect me and my beliefs.'

Saudi Arabia's enforcement of strict Sharia law regarding alcohol is among the harshest in the world.

Sentences include several months' imprisonment for simply drinking beer, and it is not unknown for offenders to be given lashes as well.

A spokesman for Tesco, whose £63 million Lichfield depot employs around 1,000 people, said: 'Cases like this are very rare.

'Managers are trained to be culturally sensitive and have an "open-door policy" to staff for issues like this, as everyone is welcome to work at Tesco.'

I read and read it again three times just to make sure I didnt not misunderstood any part of the article.

I dont know whether to laugh or to cry...

Running Out of Time - Simple Plan

The perfect song to describe the political situation back home?



But I still miss home...

Karaoke (Part 2)

Papercut - Linkin Park



Breaking the habit - Linkin Park



Welcome to my life - Simple Plan



Untitled - Simple Plan



Shut Up - Simple Plan



Crazy - Simple Plan



Addicted - Simple Plan



Your love is a lie - Simple Plan



I'm just a kid - Simple Plan



When i'm Gone - Simple Plan



Perfect - Simple Plan



Cant you see I'm a fan of Simple Plan???

Karaoke

Enough about feeling sorry for myself. Time for Karaoke. All together now!

She's so lovely - Scouting for Girls



Heartbeat - Scouting for Girls



Rockstar - Nickelback



How to save a life - The Fray



Grace Kelly - Mika



Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis



In the end - Linkin Park

I am the Kacang ('cont)

I feel the need to redeem myself after the previous post of me bashing.

For the longest time i've been wanting to talk about the kacang issue but in many occasion has decided against it. Because you see, there are a lot of you who fail to see the other side of the coin.

You hold on to every single word that I said and judge it against your own life. Essentially, many people fail to see the people lead different lives and (lo, behold) have different priorities from you.

Say for example, a lot of people do not understand the difficulty that Des and I went through with him working in shifts. They fail to see that the weekends that they all look forward to to rest and relax with their partners is not something that happened on a regular basis for us. They fail to see why I cannot commit to a weekend holiday in 6 weeks time purely because we have no idea whether either one of us is able to make it (no weekends off luxury remember?) And I particularly hate it when they are quick to come to a conclusion and ignore the reasons why I want to go back to have dinner with des every single day of the week.

I dread it when Friday comes and colleagues asked the mandatory 'what you doing over the weekend'. My answer? 'Nothing really'. Weeks and weeks to come.

Am I safe to think that for those who have never dated people who works in the service industry will never understand? I've given up trying to explain what I feel lonely even though I live with Des. Dont get me started about 'if you feel lonely, why dont you go out and do something?' Especially from people who are single and lead a 'young and adventurous' life.

Dont get me wrong. I'm happy. I like the way things are. Its just tiring to try to explain to people that it is ok about the fact that I dont necessarily feel and do things the way they do. I want to go back home to have dinner with Des every single day because I want to. Its not clingy, its because you people fail to realize that its only the dinner that I get to see Des. I dont get to see him for the rest of the evening and night.

Furthermore, we're married. We're not dating anymore. Things change. So what if yours didnt. Mine did.

Remember what I said about the other side of the coin?

I admit that there are times that I feel absolutely horrible and goes around asking friends if they have any sad news to share. I need to know that the world does not revolves around me. And you know what they say? 'I'm happy, and I want you to know that'. So much for being a friend. I think its particularly sad that you are happy because you dont want me to see you sad. They probably go on thinking 'Oh no, I have to be happy, I dont want Agnes to see me sad', for all the wrong reasons! Well, i think its pathetic that you're happy not because you truly are, but because you only pretend to be.

Remember what I said about people trying to teach me a lesson? Sad. But funnily enough, I just have to admit that I am guilty myself. There are many times that I'm just saying/doing things because I knew that provokes an action from you. How? Simple. Cause I know how judgemental you are, so I just need to drop a few hints here and there and bom! Response received and enjoyed.

We're not that different you know. If you look at me and you hate me, its only because we're the same. Believe it.

I'm pathetic. I know I know. I contradict myself ALL the time. Now i am the one who is trying to convince you all that I'm happy happy house, happy house happy house. I guess I'm just happy to finally find the energy to drag myself up on the bed and to type my thoughts out. I wander if its because of the overdose on the reality tv show that I've recently discover online. Hmm, I guess these sudden outburst of emotion is due to my emotion jar is almost bursting already. I miss you all from the hill. I truly do. Because you guys understand.

But then again, life goes on...

I am the Kacang.

A friend posted 'Abandoning the monk after the ceremony' in the MSN status today. Whether he means me is irrelevant.

Anyway, his statement makes me think. Think about who I am and think about how others think.

For as long as I can remember, I already knew that I'm the type of person who will look when I need. Obviously, this wasnt my best trait. But I think the difference between me and the others is that I already KNEW i am one.

The point is, I acknowledge the importance of thanking the very person who has helped you. But I dont see the point of being indebted to the person for the rest of my life, especially when it wasnt over life and death matters. Say the monk and ceremony example. Yes, it is important to acknowledge and thank the monk, but I dont think that we should spend the entire ceremony thanking the monk and making him the centre of the attention when the ceremony is supposed to be about US.

Let me stress that we should ALWAYS thank the monk. But then, it doesnt mean that we should be made to feel as if we owed him our lives. How selfish for the monk to think that way. Especially if it is his JOB to do it in the first place! I mean, dont you think there is a line to be drawn? Certainly, the monk shouldnt expect to be invited to every important celebrations for the couple in their lives after the ceremony! (Ok, maybe they will, but then, it should still be the perogative of the couple, and it shouldnt be a MUST).

Coincidently, I spoke to Des about this matter a few days ago (no, not about inviting the lady who officiate our marriage to our wedding ceremony, but something similar). And boy, am I glad when he shared the same thinking as me. About the importance of thanking the person but yet felt that we would have repaid the indebtness.

For as long as I've realized that I'm a kacang lupakan kulit person, I've tried very hard not to be indebted to anyone. I mean, there are many times I've asked and yet did not receive anything in return, but I can frankly say, I did not harbour any hatred at all because 'do what you want others to do to you' right? The same way I've not responded to people's calling, I wasnt expecting people to answer most of the time. Cause everyone else is just the same. Perhaps, I'm just looking for those good souls (whom I've always make fun of because they were 'too good to be true'), but trust me, I dont hold you in fault when you dont answer. But then again, thinking back, for those of you who delibarately avoided me, doesnt that make you the same? I always laugh when people tried to conciously teach me a lesson, for doesnt they realized that makes them the same???

Oh well, I guess people always forget that. Dont you see, the more I avoid being indebted to you, the more I'm trying NOT to be a kacang lupakan kulit. If I'm not indebted to you, how can I lupakan you? Gettit??? I'm trying, I'm trying...

For the past few weeks, a certain issue has been dragging in our lives. I am sure it was a combination of a few other factors (one being very prominent) that dictates our action. It would be fair to say that we werent exactly thinking in the right mind for now. Well, if you're living our life, I'm sure you would too! (Nevermind, I'm not telling you what it is...)

Anyway, moving on. The point is people should not hold themselves too high. Yes, I do ask only when I need, but then again, one shouldnt think too highly of themselves. I'm not the greatest friend one could have, but people needs friends just the way they need something for themselves. Just so happen, I need a different type of friend right now. Certainly its no fault of mine right?

I used to be those people who dont understand how friends can move on and finds it hard to accept that things change. Yup, believe it or not, I'm the kind of person who wants friends to be together forever and ever. That was when I was 5 years old, the girl who always cries when her best friend threatens not to befriend her anymore. But she always take me back. Probably because she thinks I'm pathetic. Fast forward 20 years alter, that was probably the reason why I dont have a best friend and accepts the fact that friendships exist to fill up a hole.

Dont get me wrong. There are people that I would still love to keep in touch with. But I accepts that people move on and I certainly wont hold my friend hostage lest they decides to experience different things and meet different people.

I remembered there was once I had a horrible day at work during my time up the hill. It was lunch time and not many people were in the office (which is a good thing because I dont have to layan so many people). Feeling absolutely horrible, I stood up and walk to a temp clerk that was sitting across me and squatted next to her without saying a word. She looked at me and ask whats wrong (we talked before, but mostly in the office. We werent close, but we werent enemies either). Without saying a word, I suddenly burst into tears and i could sense her suprise and she passed me tissue without saying a word. Two minutes later, I dried my eyes, stood up and walked to the toilet to freshen up. We never spoke about the incident afterwards, but I'm glad she is there (obviously she doesnt CHOOSE to be there for me). Dont get me wrong, I thank her for the tissue back then. But at times when you really need a good cry without the shoulder and explaination, I think I'm a friend enough for her to be there for me when I needed someone to cry to. Afterall, I dont need her to explain, I dont need her to talk me though, I dont need her to pity. I just need her to be there. And she did. A good friend would have asked too much question, and I dont need that for that moment in time. (I then turn to a 'good friend' (Des, that is) later after work and that was when the questions, anger, crying, consoling begins).

If you say I take more than I give, you're probably right. But then, I think its only human to do such a thing.

I cant help being the way I am. For I am moulded the way I am when i was 5 years old. And I think it is most liberating to be able to accepts who you are than to struggle to change yourself. I dont make excuses for myself, and I certainly dont apologise for it. (yes yes, I do apologise when i've wrong someone, but I dont apologize when i dont act according to your standards, you get the idea). I just think its sad that if I'm 30 (yes lah, I know I'm not yet, but soon to be lah) and I dont still know who I am.

And I do admit who I am to those of you who know me. Just dont try to change me. Dont say I dont warn you...

Short talk - Karma

I've had my fair share of idiots and bitches encounters in my life. And i do realized that at times of my life, I've been a bitch myself too. So if what comes around goes around, isn't it safe to say that for those people who says that i'm a bitch, have been horrible to others some point of their lives too? Isn't that what's karma all about?

Nine in the afternoon - Panic at the Disco

Lyrics

Far Away - Nickelback

Lyrics

Black and Gold - Sam Sparrow

Lyrics

Without You - The Feeling

Lyrics

11/9/2008

I wanted to say 'I Told You So', but I could go on and on.

In fact, I could even say 'This is exactly what I predicted', but no point crying over spilled water.

What is the point? Lets just concentrate on cleaning up. Damage control they say.

I've never agreed with the arrangements, but I did. And so, its clean up time.

Learn from mistakes you'd say?

Not a good advice when you're surrounded with many similar glasses filled with water to the brim, propped up high on a piece of old wood. There really isnt much you can do, except to pray that it doesnt tip over and spill the water, just like the first glass.

It would cost a bomb to replace the wood. Especially when you will not OWN it.

What can we do? Prepare for the worst. Get as many newspaper as we can and put it at the base of the wood. Hence, when the water spill, it will be absorbed by the papers.

Towels you say? Nope, cause we can only afford newspaper for now, and it will be a one off cost. We will not be able to afford towels, which in this case, would be better cause it can be dried out and reuse again. Sadly, we cannot afford the towels.

I'm not too worried for now. It is only ONE glass of water. But when this goes on a regular basis, it will really hurt us.

To make matter worst, we're walking on eggshells. See how difficult it is? We've already got the eggshells to worry about, now we cant even use the wood to balance ourselves, in fact we're to tread around it carefully.

Double whammy you'll say?

Life is like that lor. What else can you say?

Previous Random thoughts

I was looking through my old emails and I came across this...

What kinda of person am I?

I am:
The type of person who enjoys watching hours of television
The type of person who gets irritated at lame jokes
The type of person who enjoys the company of close friends
The type of person who is fine being alone
The type of person who dreams a lot
The type of person who asks only when she needs

In a conversation, we find ourselves debating whether a friend of us is happy.

"Well, I think she is happy".
"She seems to be in her own world most of the time".
"Well, I think she is happy to be in her own world most of the time".
"I don't think she is happy in her own world".
"Does it matter?"

Does it matter whether she is happy or not in her own world? Maybe she LIKE being unhappy in her own world. It is HER own world, why would we care whether she's happy?

Should we care?

Is it our responsibility to ensure our friends are happy? I don't know.

A classmate of mine committed suicide recently due to depression. I am not close to her, but I could imagine how her close friends blame themselves for not able to help her. But then again, she is in a better place right now, no? And obviously, in her state of mind, no amount of counseling would do her good because the wall she build herself is strong enough, so she believe.

I certainly don't put the responsibility to my friends to make sure I'm happy. Though I admit I DO rely heavily on him to make me feel better whenever I'm down.

I know, I know. I only say such a thing because I have him. If I don't, perhaps I will say things like them as well.

I guess after seven years of being together, things do turn into another direction. The expectation is higher and the anticipation is less. Together forever happily ever after? Yea, seven years does seems like forever.

Am I happy with him then? Yes I am. But then again, I just don't know why I get easily irritated when I read about people flaunting their partners and their act of love. Why? Cause I feel equally as happy, and not a slight jealousy with them, and yet I feel such a way.

I'm truly puzzled.

Perhaps, its my low tolerance towards other people happiness. Yes, I don't know why, but I thrive on other's misery. It reminds me to get my ass off Cloud Nine and to come back to live in Reality. He always say "Why do you always look at a glass half empty?"

I cant help it. The higher the expectation, the higher the disappointment right? I guess I could not handle any hurt anymore, and has build a wall around myself. I am a pessimist, I just cannot help it.

And I think, one day I'll just drown myself in my self-created misery and die from depression.

That is if, the Great Big Plan does not work, I'm left family-less in this world and he leaves me. Count on it.

Oh wait, there IS always 24-hours notice, maids and artificial insemination. HAHAHA ;-/

Please do take the above post with a pinch of salt. It is just one of my ramblings back then that was unedited (and obviously not posted at that point of time).

The point is, I miss these abstracts of my mind. Many a times I tend to type away my feelings just to pull back at the posting part. I feel that it is not right to put it up at that time due to sensativity of many issues. Especially when it involves people in my life and the last thing I want to do is to post up conversations that I've had just minutes ago.

Hence, these memories often get stored and forgotten, only to be dig out months later and be reminded of what happened back then. And I smiled at the thought of the scenario, glad that it is over and happy to realize that I've turn out all right. There were happy times, there were sad times, there were angry times and there were times I want to forget. The Angry times were the reasons why I never kept a journal, for I feel that my hands are too slow for my mind and I dont need a book to remind me what happen (actually, it is mostly because of the writing, I ended up scribbling things that I dont understand).

I've also come across an incident two years ago (not with reference to the above post) that left me crying and sobbing in Des arms while sitting on a floor with our back leaning on the door. We were supposed to go out after work, and I burst out in tears when Des came and pick me up. It wasnt the highlight of the day, lets just say. It was a difficult time, but it brings back a smile on my face as I am glad that the proud-and-stuck-up-idiot-who-lies is no longer in my life.

Anyway, so this turns out to be another completely random post that I was typing my mind out. I know I miss 512, and I'm still getting confused on what goes where. But I'm trying, and despite the lack of updates, life has been crazy around here. Well, it wasnt crazy crazy, and it was crazier a few months back, but oh well, I'm sure it will be better.

It has to be.

Pathetic jokes.

There is a fine line between a sense of humour and lame jokes. Losers can't tell the difference...

Observation

I just realized that somehow or rather, the idea of giving extra service or going beyond what is required is something to be avoided...

Idiots.

IDIOTS. BLOODY FUCKING IDIOTS. STUPID PATRONIZING PIGS. PIGS I TELL YOU!

Stupid people.

Frankly speaking, i have no problem with people having different opinions. Its only when they try to force their opinion on me its when i go crazy...

I used to enjoy playing games. In fact. My brother and i used to PLAN what games to play during the weekend. However, I've now lost patients on the time and energy spent on it. I don't understand how people can spend hours and hours on Command & Conquer and Wii. I wander what happened and when did i lose my interest?

Lalala

I'm hungry, i'm tired and i'm bored. Not a good combination. Luckily not hot, otherwise i can commit suicide d...

Ignorance?

'...that you cannot ignore the developments in other parts of the world...' How true...

Feeling

I wanna scream, I wanna cursed and I wanna swear. But I'm still human. And i feel. And therefore I pity. *snigger*

Life is like that...

Life is like that hor... It will never let you have everything. Even the silver lining is laced with bits and pieces of glass... Its tiring to forget and to let life reminds you of it...

Fridge Defrosting Day

If you have wanted to ask us how is married life so far, I'll tell you that we have been domesticated until to the point that we were discussing grocery shopping while lepak-ing in a club surrounded by people drinking and dancing. Even worst, when we came back from the club, instead of crashing to the bed drunk and making passionate love, we proceed to clear the fridge and freezer to defrost it. So yea, the fridge has been acting up a bit, so we finally got around doing it. The next morning though, in a spur me the moment, i decided to cook ALL the remaining meat, hence the attached picture.. I popped the two remaining chicken drumstick into the microwave, grilled two portions of pork ribs into the oven, fried another two portions of pork ribs, and cooked the remaining luncheon meat and sausages. So there, meat enough for at least FIVE meals all cooked at one go for an impromptu but satisfying BREAKFAST. Yea, i know, no more meat next week for these two carnivorous...

Temp vs. Permanent

You know what, I've finally figured out the difference between a temp and permanent worker. A temp is hired to work, while a permanent is hired to think. Now, over here, companies are laying of people and freezing positions while opting for temps. You know why? Because they know those eligible for permanent jobs cannot think, and so they have to resort to thinking themselves and hiring temps instead to do the work. Gettit? Hence, i'm only hired to work. Not to think, not to solve problems, not even to anticipate problems. That is the difference...

What will you choose?

I'm confused. Do you 1) finish your work in quickly but risk being fired cause you've finished what you're required to do or 2) do your work slowly but risk insulting yourself and your dignity? Seriously, the choice is harder than it looks...

???

I have 101 things on my mind now, and its only normal that i don't feel like putting it down in writing. Let's just say, as usual, i don't want to jinx it. But i'm sure I'll talk about it soon enough. Watch this space!

Internet on the go...

I absolutely love this internet on the go! How pathetic right, i could have update this using my laptop but no, i'd rather update using my mobile and typing away using the dictionary function. Not too bad eh, considering i haven't been using a proper keypad to type messages for two year already! I hope i got the right package and all these internet is free me charge! Otherwise, I'll be dead from the charges! Enough for now. Will call up customer service to check. Enough for now, will update more soon. Good night!

Testing testing!

Updating this using my mobile. Hope this works!

Testing testing. Typing this using my LG handphone

I.Am.Scared.

I have been wanting to write out my thoughts for weeks. But I have been putting it off as I couldnt decide whether to post it up 512 or here. After contemplating, I've finally decided to put it up here. Its too many words of my thoughts...

To begin my train of thought, I'll start by storying how is married life. Honestly, it didnt really shrink in until much later. This was supposed to be part of our honeymoon, but boy, it sure didnt feel like one when you have to worry about money draining out and unemployment! When we first came, I didnt have the excitement of exploring the town nor did I look forward to visiting all the tourist attraction. Holiday doesnt seem like a holiday when you know that you can go visit the place for many many times later during the year. Something like the KLCC. Come to think of it, despite its iconic relation, I've never have a picture taken of the KLCC, know what i mean? And of course, it doesnt help with the fact that actually, both of us HAVE been to London on point of our life. Till date, we havent been to famous wax museum thingy and still dont have the urge to do so.

You would have realized by now that life seems to 'start' after both of us got a job. Well, partly is because I wanted both of us to experience something outside of us so that we could bring much more into the relationship. There is only so much you can talk if you're together for every single moment for 3 weeks straight. Scary hor, to think that I could have said that even though we're only married in Feb. Its only during these encounters does the cultural shock really begun.

For example, coming from a HR background, I would always advise people to put their pictures in their resume to make it stand out better in the mist of hundreds and thousands of resumes. And we should always make our details out clearly in the front page. But imagine my shock when putting a picture in resume is consider a tabboo and I was laughed at. Yes. I was actually laughed at. And putting your race, date of birth and marital status is considered totally unnecessary to avoid discrimination.

We came across many more things that certainly changed our look in life in general. For a place that doesnt tolerates discrimination, there are certainly high tension in certain areas in life. Say for example just yesterday when we were on our way back home from a friend's place, a fight broke out right in front of us while in the train. Apparently some drunk guy was shouting discriminating stuff to an Asian guy (but we missed the beginning, so we didnt know what instigate the issue), and minutes later a scuffle broke out. They were exchanges blows at each other just right behind Des and I was just hugging him for dear life. Did I mention that the train was packed to the brim and soon after there were blood everywhere?

I was pretty shaken up throughout the ride and was very paranoid as in situation such as this, you could get whack by just simply being yourself, you know what I mean? I for one, will blatantly admit that there are discrimination back home over many many issues, but certainly I've never encounter different ethnic groups fighting each other in public. Perhaps I've been living on another planet but certainly I dont see things such as these...

And you know what the best part is? The people who ended up fighting each other weren't Asian in the first place! Its the other people who apparently couldnt stand the drunken guy's comments and loud noises. As scared as I was, I really dont know what to make out of this! The ones who kena were nicely keeping quiet and its those who werent involve who were fighting the fight.

I dont know how to tell you more of this story without appearing to be anymore discriminating than what I already am, but the point is, we've both pretty made up our minds NOT to raise our kids here. Seriously, what DO they have here that we dont back home? For a place who does not tolerates discrimimnation, this is really NOT a place to learn about it. Perhaps, our mistake is to come here with seriously wrong expectations of how is it here. For once, I have to agree, that TV really gives out the wrong impression in people's life.

Friends and family always says that we both looked very happy in our pictures posted up in our picture blog and Facebook. But certainly, what the pictures didnt portray is the reality of life here. What we see back home is really being replicated over here. Of course the pictures will not capture our disagreements and arguments. And I am certain to say that we're certainly 'happier' in many ways back home. But in many ways we're both glad that we could get to experience this together, as it certainly opened up our eyes in many things of life.

And I am glad.

For I think this experience has better prepare ourselves to be future parents... :)

Cultural difference

i was typing a long overdue post in picturesinthemaking but my train of thoughts keep stopping. I dont know whether its the photoblog effect or i'm just more comfortable writing here.

A bit of update...

Told a few of my colleagues that I'll be leaving soon. Havent made the official announcement to my supervisor and agency, but i reckon I'll be doing in on Monday when the weekend ends. Yes. I have been slacking in my work terribly, but if only you understand what I do you'll realized in amazement how come I havent commited suicide yet.

I had wanted to talk about cultural differences, but the thoughts just doesnt come out nicely. Things like them eating rice with fork and how I was considered weird to be eating baked beans with rice (one of my favourite combination actually).

But soon enough, we begin to realize the reason behind the differences. Below are just some of the things I noticed:

- Yes, their public transportation is very good but its only because they have evolve so much that there is only so much they can do.
- Self awareness was to a stage where people were fine for simply having a glass bottle in the bottom of their bin.
- Rubbish is (proposed to be) collected every fortnightly to force people to recycle.
- Human rights is such that service industry close the same time you get of work because everyone deserve personal and family time.
- Minimum discrimination is not putting up ur pictures in resume and saying ur age/marital status.
- Development is such when you're given money to support yourself while you're (supposed) to look for job.
- Hygiene is such that street food is of non existance.
- Ipods is only popular because everyone cannot afford to drive to work and have to take the train.
- Reading is popular because the train goes through underground and there is nothing else to look at.
- Personal space is important thats why Ipods and reading are popular.
- Lunch-ing together-gether on a regular basis is expensive and unpopular.
- Personal grooming means girls are taught to put makeup when going to school.

I noticed several changes in our lifestyle too. Never would I have believe I would:

- Wait 15 minutes to complain to the manager that they overcharge the vegetables that we bought by 24cents.
- Compare, compete and boast with our friends on who gets the best deal in buying eggs (The record so far is 30 eggs at 1.69).
- Rely on the public transport again.
- Have 1 pound in my purse and survived the whole week not spending a single penny.
- Understand the advantage of being spoonfed because you learn to ask when u noticed missing pieces.

I'll b lying if i say we both doesnt miss home. However, I believe there are many times when we were walking to work, taking the bus, reading newspaper, etc that we suddenly realized we're actually in London.

It doesnt matter that we're in the bottom of the ladder once more.
It doesnt matter that we're only earning peanuts right now.
It doesnt matter that the fridge is empty cause its end of the week.
It doesnt matter that our job does not reflect our capabilities.
It doesnt matter that we're second class citizen.

As great as the media has make us believe that they are more superior, we're the one who has made it to their country.

Indeed, my perspective about certain things has changed.

Their way is not necessary the best way.yes, we still have a long way to evolve. And its time to enjoy it. Cause once we reach their state, it really isnt something to look forward to.

Seriously, their way is certainly NOT the best way.

26/05/08

I dread work tomorrow.

I really do...

Buang masa aku je!

Recently, I came across many idiots in my life. While I dont dare to give away too many details in fear of some of them coming here and thinking it was in reference to them, i still want to write about them to clear my head.

In fact, the narcissistic side of me of wanting to talk about what happen has pushed me to start a anonymous blog so that I can tell all about what happen. Certainly, there is no pleasure in keeping such juicy story to myself eh?

Obviously you wont get to read about it here, and I'll go on and on about it today though.

Overall, I miss having constructive arguments. Arguments where people come together to argue about something and then challenging each other to get the right answer. Getting the right answer meaning everyone knowing what their talking about.

I had a horrible feeling that I was being bullied and outcast. Not that I mind anyway, cause why would I mind being outcast by idiots right? But the need to be part of a social circle means that my long weekend is ruin and I will spend all of the weekend wandering what I did wrong...

Obviously I wasnt close enough to be a part of a joke that everyone else is. Obviously, offering my help over something that I very much enjoy was not appreciated. Obviously, keeping quiet when the answer is right in front of you is the correct was of doing things here. Oh yea, and obviously making a fuss over something you know is wrong is not right because it was supposedly to be at your advantage (when clearly it is not).

I was relatively quiet for most of the time. When finally there seems to be the end of the road, I relax and opened up a bit. But apparently, they equates loudness to stupidity. Hence, lesson learn. I really should keep my mouth shut. Even though I know that horrible things are blatantly done wrong around me.

I can feel my brains are rotting and I really wanna do something else. I cannot understand how anyone could feel so interested in it. At first, I thought that I was the only one doing stupid things and the rest are doing far much better things, but as time goes by, I come to realized nope, it is just as stupid, yet they seems so interested?

Oh Uh, did i just give away too much? I dont really care now do I?

Is it me failing to see the big picture, or am I really noticing better ways to do things? The excel is practically screaming its answer right in front of you, yet you choose to "use your eyes". If you're already using Excel, why not let it finish the job for you? Why open yourself to dispute every single week when you yourself dont even understand the equation?

Seriously, dont get me started on the rest. But I forgive them, for they really dont know what they are doing. But you, you of all people. You are part of us, and I feel greatly embarrassed by you. A couple of them are part of us too, but I dismiss them as I can see that they are officially in to the rest already. No amount of help can save them anymore. But you. YOU.

I dont know why I feel a great sense of responsibility over this. Obviously it is none of my business and who am I to "save" anyone at all? True, I really shouldnt care at all. But when it involves me it is where I cross the line. I dont care what the rest do and even more dont care what you do to the rest. But when you do stupid things to ME, I'm not gonna sit there and complaint about it like everyone else. I will make sure things are done correctly where it is supposed to.

Furthermore, I KNOW what i'm doing and i KNOW i am right. Imagine my bengang-ing when you came and said "yea, I did make a mistake but it was to your advantage". IT WASNT TO MY ADVANTAGE, you !@#$%!!!

*pengsan, then wake up again to remember what happened, then pengsan again*

Seriously, I'm now dismissing the rest of them as it is unimportant. It shouldnt be important. I should just find more music and keep quiet for the rest of the three weeks. Or maybe two if I really cannot tahan.

Damn, I should have berbelog dalam bahasa melayu so gerenti dia orang takan faham. Buang masa I saja.

Ada satu lagi perkara yang buat aku bengang. Tapi itu mengandungi angka angka and kiraan, jadi kalau saya letak kat sini, yang tak tau baca pun tau yang aku cakap pasal itu.

Hai, sememangnya aku tak patut tambah dua orang dari kerja kat MukaBuku aku. Aku memang nak tambah lagi, tapi malu. Tapi aku ingat, dia orang takkan pandai sangat sampai cari kat sini. Maklumlah, siapa saya kan? Tapi, aku harap juga diaorang cari sampai sini, tengok yang aku ini bukan bodoh macam diaorang. Mungkin, itulah sebab aku dapat kerja ini. Untuk aku belajar untuk jangan jadi bangga and belajar untuk bergaul dengan orang orang macam itu.

Tapi sememangnya, susah untuk kerja dengan orang bodoh. Susah, memang susah. Masalahnya, ini bukan orang yang tua dan tak belajar tau. Ini orang pandai, pergi sekolah and orang muda! Ini yang aku tak tahan ni. Baru keluar uni, ada pun yang sedang dalam uni, takan boleh lupa benda benda yang sepatutnya pengetahuan am??

Sebab, tujuh perpuluhan lima tolak empat puluh minit bukan enam perpuluhan enam tujuh! Ada pula yang cakap enam perpuluhan satu pun boleh! Yang bodoh pun tau lima puluh minit mana boleh jadi point enam tujuh?

Dah dah, dah lah tu, yang tak nak dituliskan pada mulanya pun dah tulis. Cukuplah tu, inilah masanya untuk menikmati minggu minggu ini. Kalau memang tak tahan, berhenti je lah eh?

SEMEMANGNYA, BUANG MASA I!

p/s: Aku ni sekarang sedang betul betul nak berhenti dalam dua minggu...

Price of Happiness?

As I sit on the bed watching tv while absent mindedly trying to "clean up" my resume, my thought wanders to event today...

Just what was the objective was this trip anyway? Was it really for the money or for the experience?

What is £30 per week?

Would you give up RM30 each week in exchange for a better life? Fine, if you want to convert, would you give up RM160 each week for a better job? Would you give up your current job for something that you would probably (I say probably cause there is a risk factor, cause you'll never know) enjoy, for the price of RM160 each week? Equivalant to RM640 per month?

Ok, bad example I know.

I had been wanting to write down the list of pros and cons, it never works for me. Cause I know exactly what matters and I'm only entertaining doubts. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but I'm only looking for justification. But do I really know what I want?

As usual, ask me the moment it happen and I'll tell you exactly what I want to do. Ask me again four hours later and my mind would be flooded with what ifs. And now, almost 12 hours later, my mind is changing. Or is it?

Just what is the price of happiness (if there is any?)

The problem is, I knew that my desire to leave is more than what was offered. It doesnt really matter WHAT is offered, as long as I can LEAVE. Hence, I really need help to take me out from the "attraction" of being able to leave what I have behind. I'm really not sure. I guess for what its worth, if its been of a sales nature, I wouldnt have been so tempted. Or would I?

See, I just cant make up my mind. I cannot decide which side I am. I keep getting confused, one minute I'm convinced that it is the right thing to do, the other minute I'm reminded of all the negative sides of it.

I guess I knew what I wanted to do. But I'm just taking my time, and remind myself not to jump into conclusion yet. I need to be absolutely sure of this. And perhaps, the weekend will clear up some issues.

Afterall, I have till Monday.

P/S: I really dont know how to present my resume. Coming from HR background, I'm caught suprised by the things that I thought I knew but in fact was frown upon in the culture here. Hmm...

07/05/08

What shall I say?

Its like I wanted something really badly and yet I dread what comes with it.

Anyway, for all its worth, more good comes out of it. I am certain.

I forgot, that's all.

I just need to remember.

I'll be alright.

:)

London is only temporary...

What can I say?

After nearly two months being here, I would say that I've achieved that I wanted to be when we came here.

Yes, wanted to BE.

For those of you who do not know, let me give you a background of us of where we came from.

We came from a very comfortable life with a promising job. We'll wear powersuits to work, walk the executive walk and talk the executive talk. A daily life would consist of waking up to get ready for work, wearing my black coat and my trademark 4-inch "dont-mess-with-me" black pumps (almost as if its my "mask" for the day), stroll to the office 20 mins later than 9am and sit down at my desk to start work. Oh yea, right before that, I would have made a compulsory stopover at the canteen to "tapau" a Milo O Ais as breakfast, but will be on my desk probably the whole day, much to the disgust of some of my colleague :P

My life uphill pretty much revolves around the weekly schedule, we call it Group A,B,C and D. Hence, my lunch date also revolves around that time too. Come Group A would see me at my worst, and I'll be moping around and staying back in the office for the longest time. Group B & C will see me having lunch the exec way, it would usually be at a chinese restaurant eating dim sum or 3 course meal (with dessert no less), sometime it would be buffet (but on rare occasions) and there are a couple of time when we could squeeze in a lobster meal as well. Come D group, you'll most probably find me in the canteen with my colleagues having a few of my regulars; mix pork porridge or white rice with char siu, pan mee, tom yam lousu fan to name a few.

When the day is over, I'll return to my room and watch tv to past time until its time for dinner. At11pm. Yeap, I have no life up there and my dinner is usually 11pm. The thing is, unlike life in the city where everyone spends an average of 2 hours commuting back to and from work, it takes us less than 10 mins. Hence, we have loads of time to kill, and usually I'll sneak in a nap to wake up at 10pm to get ready for dinner, or supper, whatever you call it.

Why am I doing this? Why am I documenting my life back home when I choose to drop everything that I've know to be so comfortable and be here?

I'll show you what life here is about and you'll see...

I'll wake up in the morning to go work in my casual clothes, which usually consist of jeans and a t-shirt. Oh yea, and sports shoes too. Those who know me back home knows that I have loads and loads of shoes but NEVER a pair of sports shoes. Yeap, so difference #1 Sport shoes. Why sport shoes? Cause I have to walk to take a bus and hop on two trains to get to work, which will take me roughly 1 1/4 hours. I havent found a pair that entices me to wear, and the price too (refer below about money) and I dont see the idea of wearing a pair of black pointy heels when I'm gonna be dressed casually anyway.

Luckily, the fashion here is high heels as well and I've come across many black pumps that could very well cured my yearning for my black pumps, but Issue #2 stood in the way. Money. Yeap, back home, we've develop a VERY BAD habit of not looking at the price tag of everything that we eat/buy. Bags/shoes? Buy lah, credit card will solve the problem. Lobster for lunch? Just sign our allowance away. Extra live prawns for the steamboat, just order. Money was not a problem back home, and with such an extravagent lifestyle (For two person, lunch could be 80++, dinner could be 200++, On.A.Daily.Basis), its certainly an eye opening experience when you only earn 5 per hour. I couldnt afford the £10 even if I want to. Lunch for £80? you must be joking. I couldnt even part with £10! Forget about lobster. Well, actually we DID have lobster for dinner once, and the succulent meat just transport me back miles and miles back to the hill.

Issue #3 was our pride. We were so sure of our job back home that many a time I feel that we're at the peak of our learning curve when we should still be learning. Things up the hill is pretty messed up and its not your usual company. Believe it or not, it has come to a point where I'll pick up the phone and will be able to solve your problem no matter what. Regardless of whether I'm able to give you a proper step by step on what to do, or be able to pin point you to the correct person that will be able to assist you, nothing challenges me anymore. And of course, regretfully, the company is grooming me to head a direction that I've repeatedly voice out my concerns. I feel at that time, its not about me to take up the challenge, but rather, they couldnt find anyone better, so they just shove me with it. (Hey, isnt this the story of our life???).

Anyway, back to point 3. We were at a position where we wouldnt have any trouble getting any other job. Imagine our dissapointment, and very much our shame, when we couldnt get any when we're here! I went to some employment agency and did some test on Excel/Word. Believe it or not, all they test me was "How to open a document?" and "How to you add B2 and C2?" and when I'm done, you know what they say? "Wow, your test results are very good!". Unfortunately, this is not a good news. Because apparently, even though you excel in the tests, we still have problems securing a job. For reasons that are clear to you, I also want to add that currently they are also having recession, which makes job even harder to get. More people hunting for lesser job? Gettit?

So imagine what our ego must have felt like when we, the high flying exec, couldnt even get a job as a Office Clerk or Receptionist! WTF? If you only expect your receptionist to only know how to open and save and document, shouldt I who know how to turn your excel report into a fantastic presentation should be more qualified? Overqualified you say? No, there is a much more sinister reason behind it. However funny it is, this is exactly what I was looking for. I was hoping for this experience which will humble us and send us back straight to earth. Life in the hill was very, VERY exclusive, and nothing would prepare us for the life in KL. Hence, hopefully with this experience, we'll be heading back KL with a better preparation for the difficult life ahead.

So will we decide to stay for good? Apparently, 80% of the immigrant who comes to UK only want to work with the ultimate goal of returning to home one day. Loads of our friends says that they envy us when we told them we're here. But seriously, if you only know about their parking rules and the rubbish bin fine, you WILL be VERY GLAD about what we have back home.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Seriously.

If you ask me what is things that I hope to see changed back home compare to here, I would only have ONE thing in mind. Despite the fact that their transportation system is good, their human rights/discrimination is in place *roll eyes*, their infrastructure is beautiful, I could only say, the weather here is nice. Other than that, be VERY grateful about your car, about our shopping mall, about our mamak and our steamboat and pasarmalam. Oh, about the preferred race, forget about it. We're definately more tolerance type, and we all ARE living in harmony. Wait until you read what is reported in the newspaper here.

I have decided that no matter what, I am NOT going to raise my child here. The better way to teach your kid about life and discrimination is to bring them up in a place that TOLERATES it. Rather than a place that thinks there are non when it is right smack at your face. *roll eye again*.

Perhaps, I strongly suspect that it is purely based on cultural different. When a friend tells me to "embrace their culture", I shot back by saying, I'm here to only EXPERIENCE their culture, I have absolutely no plans to "embrace" it as I will be returning home. Can you imagine the difficulty I'm gonna have if I "embrace" the culture here and goes back home just to be "culture-ly shocked" again? Hmm.. I wander if I'll go back and start complaining about having to declare my age in my CV?

The point is, I hope to leave this place with 101 stories about life here and ultimately be very glad about the things we have back home. I'll recommend this to anyone who wants to take a punch into their ego and not let excuses dictate their life. I used to be one of those who said, "I have so much commitment that I cant just leave", or "I cannot imagine life without a job and no money coming in", or "I've got bills/commitment/responsibilities" people. Its funny how they think that WE dont seem to have any. We dont have a mortgage to pay off, we dont have a car to pay off, we dont have insurance to pay off, we dont have responsibilities, we dont have to think about money to spend on our wedding ceremony, we dont have to think about securing a life and building a family, we dont have to worry about money to raise a kid, we dont have to think about starting all over when we come back to KL at 30, we dont have anything to worry about!

At the end of the day, if things dont work out, we can always go back and say we've been there and done that. No harm done (yea right, funny how I'm saying it when I just when balistic last week about not securing a job). I guess instead of giving advise out to people who got stuck in a boring but secured life and choose to do nothing but complains about it, instead of saying "i know that saying is easier than done", we can finally say, "Look, I've done it!".

Wait till I tell you about Curry being the British food!

London = Money

I have a million and one things in my mind to say and yet there is absolutely no time for me to put it down.

When I was walking to work, or when I'm in the tube on the way to work, when I'm stuck at work wandering away, I have all these things that runs through my head that I wish I have the luxury to just type it down here.

And just when I finally found time, things just down flow as nice already. Oh well, I'll just try as much as I can.

Well, for starters, we just woke up and I'm typing away still in bed after 12 hours of sleep on a (very) lazy Sunday afternoon. I tell you, time just wheeze past by since we started work. A typical day on a weekday would be both Des and I waking up in the morning to go work together. Timing was such that it allows us to go work at the same time. And the bus and tube is on the same route too, though Des gets off much earlier and I still have to change another train before I arrived to mine.

But though the need to wake up at 7am every morning for work, something that I am so unwillingly do in KL, its ok here cause its already bright at 7am, hence my rule of waking up after the sun was good enough. And the fact that we're both leaving for work makes it even more bearable. And its work for both of us, and when its off work, we'll both arrive at the station together and get home for dinner.

Now, I know for a fact that this "bliss" will not last long. Des's MO has yet to reply, and he just receive news that his current job may not last as long as we thought. And without Des getting a permanent job, I'm stuck with this data entry job.

For as long as it will last, I know I will enjoy it. As I know for a fact that our lifestyle will never be like any normal couple. So, this is what its like to work in the weekdays together, and come back home together for dinner. So, this is what feels like to have the weekend together to relax and to do things together.

I know I am going to miss this.

How is London you may ask?

London is great, and you know what, Malaysia is a great place afterall. :)

There are many things that, like my friend put it, "you'll come to realize a lot of other things after staying here for a while". Its true afterall.

Without giving away too much, I'll say that our LRT is actually not that bad, and our Telekom provides good customer service. All those of you complaining how expensive it is to maintain a car, be grateful cause at least you OWN a car. If you just purchase your first home, you're even luckier.

Seriously.

Yes, certain things may be generally cheaper here, such as a trolley full of supermarket stuff would cost less than 50 pounds where else 10 items in our Giant would cost us RM80. Eating out in a post place would only be 30, where else it would easily be RM80-RM100.

One thing for sure, the lifestyle is different. Back home, we're some executives who earn good money for us to spend in such a way. Here, we're just struggling clerks who earns barely enough to cover our expenses. Kid you not, that's the reality check. It took me about 3 weeks to realized that though that I may be competent, I'll never be able to deliver that I did back home. Purely because of the way I speak.

Now, thats another story.

The point is, even though eating out only cost 30 pounds, it still is expensive cause we just dont have that kinda luxury anymore. And to think at at least back home we still own a car and house makes it all good, cause a lot of executives here wont be able to have that.

So, what's this argument about London being the most expensive place to stay?

That is also another long story which involves a short argument between me and my supervisor.

Oh, note to self, talk about rasicm too, next time. This is REALLY interesting.

OK, Des needs the laptop now. Update next time! :P

Life is good. Finally.

And life in London has properly begin...

Sitting on my bed typing away with my laptop using wireless is bliss. Its so bliss cause I've never been able to do this before.

Many things have crossed my mind for the past 3 weeks that we're here. We're in our fourth week already, can you believe it? I've had TWO nervous breakdown, and the thought of not having a job drove me and Des crazy. Really, try having a holiday that you know for as long as it stretch, it is going to end worst-er. Gettit? Seriously, a holiday is NOT a holiday if there is not end date.

Have I mentioned that I miss working? My breakdown was not so much of not able to secure a job, but rather, the thought of NOT working. Technically, I didnt really do much since the day I hand in my resignation from the hill. And that is like the 2nd of Jan. And its been three months since I've properly worked. I miss going to work, I miss handing the PC, I miss talking up calls, I miss getting ready for work. How crazy is that?

Anyway, just came back from my first day of work. Its some data entry job that is so mind boggling. Mind boggling because its supposed to be data entry but theres so many discrepancies I ended up putting up comments asking for status for each entry rather than completing it. Its something like extracting an index from a database to search in another database for another name or something to that effect. Something that really doesnt need to cross the brain for instruction. Towards the end of the day, my hand already got a mind of its own. (having said that, funny how I am doing data entry when my attention to detail is like absolutely zero).

And it is so cekai that the dress code is casual, meaning jeans and t-shirt. And the environment is very quiet like call centre, where everyone is just busy typing. Luckily there is a radio right in front of me and the person next to me needs it to be high in volume, otherwise I would have gone crazy (by the way, my throat got bad and technically I lost my voice while sitting around not talking). And the pay was so-so, though I've heard of higher pay if I work in admin.

But I wasnt complaining. The fact that I'm back out in the office typing away is what making me happy. Though towards the end it was absolutely boring me out of death, the fact that I'm working gives the excitement that I miss.

Anyway, now that I've got a job, its only natural I wanted to demand for more. Perhaps, with this so-called local experience, I'll be able to secure other jobs.

I'm happy. Finally.

But of course, u'd think I dont dread the time when Des will be working? That is IF he got what he wanted. Then it will be back to just like the hill time, he'll be working through the weekends and nights.

Not something for me to look forward to.

But all I can think of right now, is how comfortable I am lazing on the bed with the TV in front of me and me typing away in my wireless connection. Life is good.

For now anyway :)

03/04/08

We have broadband in our place now!

However, I wont have much time to use as as I'm due to work tomorrow onwards!

I have no idea what the work is about. So I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Perhaps, things will be alright or else I'll be crying on my way home. Again. :)

31/03/08

I know I have been neglecting this place. There are so many thoughts that I wanted to put up but with the lack of internet has prevented me to do so.

We've arranged for internet in our place so hopefully things would be more convineant soon.

I miss this place. Dont worry, I wont kill you off I promise!

What would you do?

Would you rather be told a lie than not to be told the truth?

A persons walks up to you and asks a question that you do not want to answer. Do you:
a) tell a lie, or
b) give a nonchalant answer and walks away.

You walk up to a person and asks a question that he/she does not want to answer. Would you rather:
a) he/she tells you a lie, or
b) he/she gives a nonchalant answer and walks away.

A friend walks up to you and asks a question that you do not want to answer. Do you:
a) tell a lie, or
b) give a nonchalant answer and walks away.

You walk up to a friend and asks a question that he/she does not want to answer. Would you rather:
a) he/she tells you a lie, or
b) he/she gives a nonchalant answer and walks away.

A family member walks up to you and asks a question that you do not want to answer. Do you:
a) tell a lie, or
b) give a nonchalant answer and walks away.

You walk up to a family member and asks a question that he/she does not want to answer. Would you rather:
a) he/she tells you a lie, or
b) he/she gives a nonchalant answer and walks away.

See, I am not so mean afterall...

Preliminary Packing

This is my bag.

When I weigh the bag, it is approx 20kg. Whoa, talk about ngam ngam.

To be honest, I've actually started packing 3 weeks ago. And the bag was actually 80% complete back then. Then the bad news hit and I lost interest in packing.

Until today.

So, its almost like opening a box full of goodies as I could hardly remember what I chuck inside the bag three weeks ago. I was (as always) getting worried whether I've enough clothes and when I check the bag, i go "Oh yea, so this is where its been..."

What's in the bag?
- Baju-lah of course
- four pairs of shoes
- 2 sweaters and 1 trenchcoat
- one full set of Dermalogica
- underwear
- scarfs (come to think of it, I really dont remember which ones are inside...)
- makeup and earrings (half thinking whether I should bring it along)

Everything else that didnt make the cut the first time around 3 weeks ago has all been given away. And I suspect a final round would be done to those to do not make it to the bag by the end of this week.

So what else do I need? I still need to get a a bit more on toiletries, get my certs photostated, and above all, hope get a new pair of specs.

I am going to miss my family, I am not going to lie. But I hope they understand.

Oh well, I'm the kind that burries problems and issues deep deep down hoping that it will go away on its own.

Past three weeks

I know my past posts has been somewhat dull. But only its because for the past three weeks, life hasnt been exactly "normal". So I promised myself that I will put up a proper update on what has been happening for the past three weeks.

Now, lets go back to 5th Feb, where it all begins. It was my last day of work up the hill. It was a quiet day as most of my colleagues has already left earlier for their CNY break. In fact, i think only about 20% were still around. So it was a quiet last day, but I was just as excited. We've packed up all our things into the car and it was packed up to the brim! I nearly dont have space for myself. Haha! Was I sad at that time? As mentioned, I was too excited about too many other things to realized that I was leaving for good.

CNY came and went. We went up to Ipoh over the weekend. And I was trying to recall the last time I went back, which would very well be more than 10 years ago. Funny when I made a remark saying the house looked a lot smaller than I remembered, and that's when my cousin said that its because we are all now grown up. Makes sense, cause I remembered running all the way back to the kitchen when I was small and now it took me only a few steps to arrive. I wanted Des to be around during that time, but unfortunately he couldnt make it. Oh well, I really dont know when will be the next time that I will be back...

Now the week after CNY was shaky, cause many things happened and the arrangements for the tip went haywired. Now that you know, my flight was delayed to the 9th March (I was originally scheduled to fly on the 2nd). Nevertheless, I shall not dwell on it. My accomodation has been confirmed, we will be staying somewhere near Wimbledon, in a house that De's father's friend own. We went around KL this week do, to clear up some stuff. Our taxes has been cleared, money has been arranged, bag packed (60%), room packed (70%), bills paid, a couple of farewells, etc. Oh yea, that was when we finally decided to buy a Dell, and it is working fine right now. I must say that the delivery has been very prompt. Imagine, I ordered on Tuesday and I got it on Saturday!

Soon after that, the registration date came. Frankly speaking, I was in a dazed, as true as many would have described, it was over before I knew it. We went for lunch after the short ceremony, and my brother caught me by suprised when he asked, "So are you happy?". I paused for a second, realizing that indeed, there were many other things on my mind, and three seconds later I replied, "It was what I wanted".

In between the days of the three weeks, I spend most of the time lazing around the house watching TV and sleeping the days off. Frankly speaking, after 3 weeks of not working, I am feeling really bored. I miss the challenge, I miss fighting for my rights, I miss having things to do, etc. As much as I love sleeping in, I know waking up late really screws up your system. Thats why I choose to wake up early at 6am for a week to ferry kids to kindy. Got nagging from parents, but its a lot deeper than that. Things are (as always) more complicated than it is...

With less than ten days left prior to the trip, most of our remaining days has been filled with loads of activities, yamcha here, bbq there, dinner here and lunch there. I do realized that I will miss my family, but I told Des, "This needs to be done." He replied, "No, there is always a choice." "I know, but I hope they'll understand..."

Perhaps, I would be able to finally sense the excitement as the date draws near...

28/02/08

:) I have put up my first post in my picture blog! Go http://www.picturesinthemaking.blogspot.com/ and check it out!

Anyway, I seems to have problems with Blogger.

First, i cant seems to be able to save and the retrieve the saved post to edit. I am not able to retrieve any saved changes whenever I wanted to edit a post. It always goes back to the first saved draft, regardless of how many times I've updated it.

Second, the date is all wrong. Imagine my first post about 26th Feb is posted on the 23rd Feb! Makes it look so ridiculous, but with reference to the first problem, it took me too long and too many tries to change it again.

Third, I just realized, Blogger isnt the most friendliest place to upload pictures. Apparently, I can only upload 5 each times. Die, how am I gonna do a pictorial blog if it isnt easy in the first place???

We'll see how long I can manage posting in two places. I still have problems deciding which goes where.

Alright, I'm tired. There are many things in my mind and life right now. But I'm sure I'll find time to post it up soon enough...

25/02/08

I cannot lah. No matter how much I try to forget, it still come back haunting me. Past week has been absolutely horrible.

Its like a healing wound that gets cut up everytime it starts the healing process you know. You know the dried scab on a wound? Its like everytime somebody ask me about it, I dig away the scab and its an open wound again.

Honestly, I've tried very very hard to avoid talking about it for as long as I could. Why? Its so to give time for the would to perhaps heal a little bit more so that the next time around someone ask me about it, when I dig into the wound, the wound is not as deep and it wont hurt so much anymore.

I dont know why. One minute I'm absolutely convinced that I am over it, the next moment when the topic is bought up, I could feel the anger brewing inside me again.

I know Des feels absolutely horrible about this, but trust me babe, I'm really doing the very best that I can. I'm trying very hard to put this behind me. Somehow or rather, it still refuses to leave me. It must be something deeper than this...

This issue has disturb me so much until I couldnt properly sleep. Heck, I was so caught up in it that I suddenly only realized that today is the last day that I will be a legally single. It is so bad until I didnt even realized this and I guess the pressure spilled over to the registration issues.

I.Hate.This.

Can you believe that I cannot even enjoy the fact that I'm getting married soon.

I guess nobody really knows just how much the original date means to me. All I really want now is to just get away so that we could start a life on our own. Its bad enough that we have 101 things to worry about when we're there. Now, we couldnt even do anything to prepare for it. And then they have the cheek to say how come we didnt do anything.

See, now I'm back to being angry all over again. Sigh, why cant I just stop being difficult???

Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

There shall be no more YouTube from now on cause my Dell is up and hopefully will be able to revive my music collection.

Anyway, past week has been, how should I say, not been going as I planned.

Yes, my flight has been delayed to 9th March, hence the updated Ticker above and the days counting down to the flight has been extended. There were issues, and I shall not divulge in it as it was very personal.

Frankly speaking, I have been trying NOT to blog especially for the past week in fear I wrote something that I will regret. Usually, I will write down during my most angry times as I want to capture the intense feeling that I am having then.

But this time its different as it involve a person what is very personal to us and it makes it difficult to dictates my feelings out as I do not want to have the issue anymore worst that it already is.

Pokoknya, what is done is done and I keep reminding myself to only concentrate on what is important. Right now, I'm trying to tell myself to only think about the ROM and anything else I'll deal with it later. With things happening, I've not been able to fully concentrate on the registration and I do not want to think about the trip anymore right now.

Anyway, I'm playing Colbie Caillat's Bubbly right now. No doubt it is a great song, but it is also apparently Sue Ann's favourite song. Whenever I hear the song being played, I'll remember the way the 6 year old sings in the car, and the way she asked me to increase the volume of the radio whenever it is being played and the way she sing along to the song in her own special 6-year old way.

19/02/2008

Been very busy for the past week.

Wake up 6am to drive kids to their kindy for a week
Did my tax clearance (but still waiting for letter)
Bought a Dell
Bought a shockproof, waterproof, freezeproof camera
Bought a year supply of Dermalogica
Pack and clean my room (still have about 30% to do)
Done a preliminary packing for the trip
Created a new blog but no post yet (wait, the Dell, camera and Photoshop will come together soon).

I still have a long list of things to do. Don’t ask me “why I never do earlier” because life is like that.

And last minute arrangement screws up our accommodation plans in UK upon arrival so we will end up sleeping on the street or delaying the flight.

I’d rather sleep on the street.

Pictorial Blog?

I'm starting a new blog to document the pictures that I'll be taking from now on. I haven't really decided on the name yet, so will "announce" it later when its up and running. You could go to my profile to peek first (though dont expect anything fantastic yet... or ever).

I do like taking pictures, but sadly, I haven’t make use my of Canon Powershot A80 ever since I bought it 4 years ago. I mean, I did initially when I first bought it, but I haven’t really understand and fully utilized the function that came with the camera. It has P, TV, Av, M, C1, C2, etc functions that I still haven’t managed to tell the difference. A high price to pay for something that I hardly use.

Three years later, with the relocation plan to London, I've decided to resurrect it. I'm still in the mist of testing a few batteries, cause I'm still not sure about its power and I think the LED screen is going off (with 30% of the screen slightly darker than the rest). It is taking longer than it originally does to on it and the main button for taking pictures also take 2 second longer to react.

Hence, I'm still undecided whether to buy another camera for the trip or after. Obviously, money is a factor. I'll play around with the pictures before deciding.

So much for introducing a place of pictures with the first post of nothing but words. I'm in the mist of downloading Photoshop, which hopefully I will be able to adjust and amend the pictures that I took. I look forward to doing more of these picture stuff when I have a laptop (soon I hope!).

We’ll see…