What kinda of person am I?I am:
The type of person who enjoys watching hours of television
The type of person who gets irritated at lame jokes
The type of person who enjoys the company of close friends
The type of person who is fine being alone
The type of person who dreams a lot
The type of person who asks only when she needs
In a conversation, we find ourselves debating whether a friend of us is happy.
"Well, I think she is happy".
"She seems to be in her own world most of the time".
"Well, I think she is happy to be in her own world most of the time".
"I don't think she is happy in her own world".
"Does it matter?"
Does it matter whether she is happy or not in her own world? Maybe she LIKE being unhappy in her own world. It is HER own world, why would we care whether she's happy?
Should we care?
Is it our responsibility to ensure our friends are happy? I don't know.
A classmate of mine committed suicide recently due to depression. I am not close to her, but I could imagine how her close friends blame themselves for not able to help her. But then again, she is in a better place right now, no? And obviously, in her state of mind, no amount of counseling would do her good because the wall she build herself is strong enough, so she believe.
I certainly don't put the responsibility to my friends to make sure I'm happy. Though I admit I DO rely heavily on him to make me feel better whenever I'm down.
I know, I know. I only say such a thing because I have him. If I don't, perhaps I will say things like them as well.
I guess after seven years of being together, things do turn into another direction. The expectation is higher and the anticipation is less. Together forever happily ever after? Yea, seven years does seems like forever.
Am I happy with him then? Yes I am. But then again, I just don't know why I get easily irritated when I read about people flaunting their partners and their act of love. Why? Cause I feel equally as happy, and not a slight jealousy with them, and yet I feel such a way.
I'm truly puzzled.
Perhaps, its my low tolerance towards other people happiness. Yes, I don't know why, but I thrive on other's misery. It reminds me to get my ass off Cloud Nine and to come back to live in Reality. He always say "Why do you always look at a glass half empty?"
I cant help it. The higher the expectation, the higher the disappointment right? I guess I could not handle any hurt anymore, and has build a wall around myself. I am a pessimist, I just cannot help it.
And I think, one day I'll just drown myself in my self-created misery and die from depression.
That is if, the Great Big Plan does not work, I'm left family-less in this world and he leaves me. Count on it.
Oh wait, there IS always 24-hours notice, maids and artificial insemination. HAHAHA ;-/
Please do take the above post with a pinch of salt. It is just one of my ramblings back then that was unedited (and obviously not posted at that point of time).
The point is, I miss these abstracts of my mind. Many a times I tend to type away my feelings just to pull back at the posting part. I feel that it is not right to put it up at that time due to sensativity of many issues. Especially when it involves people in my life and the last thing I want to do is to post up conversations that I've had just minutes ago.
Hence, these memories often get stored and forgotten, only to be dig out months later and be reminded of what happened back then. And I smiled at the thought of the scenario, glad that it is over and happy to realize that I've turn out all right. There were happy times, there were sad times, there were angry times and there were times I want to forget. The Angry times were the reasons why I never kept a journal, for I feel that my hands are too slow for my mind and I dont need a book to remind me what happen (actually, it is mostly because of the writing, I ended up scribbling things that I dont understand).
I've also come across an incident two years ago (not with reference to the above post) that left me crying and sobbing in Des arms while sitting on a floor with our back leaning on the door. We were supposed to go out after work, and I burst out in tears when Des came and pick me up. It wasnt the highlight of the day, lets just say. It was a difficult time, but it brings back a smile on my face as I am glad that the proud-and-stuck-up-idiot-who-lies is no longer in my life.
Anyway, so this turns out to be another completely random post that I was typing my mind out. I know I miss 512, and I'm still getting confused on what goes where. But I'm trying, and despite the lack of updates, life has been crazy around here. Well, it wasnt crazy crazy, and it was crazier a few months back, but oh well, I'm sure it will be better.
It has to be.
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