I am the Kacang.

A friend posted 'Abandoning the monk after the ceremony' in the MSN status today. Whether he means me is irrelevant.

Anyway, his statement makes me think. Think about who I am and think about how others think.

For as long as I can remember, I already knew that I'm the type of person who will look when I need. Obviously, this wasnt my best trait. But I think the difference between me and the others is that I already KNEW i am one.

The point is, I acknowledge the importance of thanking the very person who has helped you. But I dont see the point of being indebted to the person for the rest of my life, especially when it wasnt over life and death matters. Say the monk and ceremony example. Yes, it is important to acknowledge and thank the monk, but I dont think that we should spend the entire ceremony thanking the monk and making him the centre of the attention when the ceremony is supposed to be about US.

Let me stress that we should ALWAYS thank the monk. But then, it doesnt mean that we should be made to feel as if we owed him our lives. How selfish for the monk to think that way. Especially if it is his JOB to do it in the first place! I mean, dont you think there is a line to be drawn? Certainly, the monk shouldnt expect to be invited to every important celebrations for the couple in their lives after the ceremony! (Ok, maybe they will, but then, it should still be the perogative of the couple, and it shouldnt be a MUST).

Coincidently, I spoke to Des about this matter a few days ago (no, not about inviting the lady who officiate our marriage to our wedding ceremony, but something similar). And boy, am I glad when he shared the same thinking as me. About the importance of thanking the person but yet felt that we would have repaid the indebtness.

For as long as I've realized that I'm a kacang lupakan kulit person, I've tried very hard not to be indebted to anyone. I mean, there are many times I've asked and yet did not receive anything in return, but I can frankly say, I did not harbour any hatred at all because 'do what you want others to do to you' right? The same way I've not responded to people's calling, I wasnt expecting people to answer most of the time. Cause everyone else is just the same. Perhaps, I'm just looking for those good souls (whom I've always make fun of because they were 'too good to be true'), but trust me, I dont hold you in fault when you dont answer. But then again, thinking back, for those of you who delibarately avoided me, doesnt that make you the same? I always laugh when people tried to conciously teach me a lesson, for doesnt they realized that makes them the same???

Oh well, I guess people always forget that. Dont you see, the more I avoid being indebted to you, the more I'm trying NOT to be a kacang lupakan kulit. If I'm not indebted to you, how can I lupakan you? Gettit??? I'm trying, I'm trying...

For the past few weeks, a certain issue has been dragging in our lives. I am sure it was a combination of a few other factors (one being very prominent) that dictates our action. It would be fair to say that we werent exactly thinking in the right mind for now. Well, if you're living our life, I'm sure you would too! (Nevermind, I'm not telling you what it is...)

Anyway, moving on. The point is people should not hold themselves too high. Yes, I do ask only when I need, but then again, one shouldnt think too highly of themselves. I'm not the greatest friend one could have, but people needs friends just the way they need something for themselves. Just so happen, I need a different type of friend right now. Certainly its no fault of mine right?

I used to be those people who dont understand how friends can move on and finds it hard to accept that things change. Yup, believe it or not, I'm the kind of person who wants friends to be together forever and ever. That was when I was 5 years old, the girl who always cries when her best friend threatens not to befriend her anymore. But she always take me back. Probably because she thinks I'm pathetic. Fast forward 20 years alter, that was probably the reason why I dont have a best friend and accepts the fact that friendships exist to fill up a hole.

Dont get me wrong. There are people that I would still love to keep in touch with. But I accepts that people move on and I certainly wont hold my friend hostage lest they decides to experience different things and meet different people.

I remembered there was once I had a horrible day at work during my time up the hill. It was lunch time and not many people were in the office (which is a good thing because I dont have to layan so many people). Feeling absolutely horrible, I stood up and walk to a temp clerk that was sitting across me and squatted next to her without saying a word. She looked at me and ask whats wrong (we talked before, but mostly in the office. We werent close, but we werent enemies either). Without saying a word, I suddenly burst into tears and i could sense her suprise and she passed me tissue without saying a word. Two minutes later, I dried my eyes, stood up and walked to the toilet to freshen up. We never spoke about the incident afterwards, but I'm glad she is there (obviously she doesnt CHOOSE to be there for me). Dont get me wrong, I thank her for the tissue back then. But at times when you really need a good cry without the shoulder and explaination, I think I'm a friend enough for her to be there for me when I needed someone to cry to. Afterall, I dont need her to explain, I dont need her to talk me though, I dont need her to pity. I just need her to be there. And she did. A good friend would have asked too much question, and I dont need that for that moment in time. (I then turn to a 'good friend' (Des, that is) later after work and that was when the questions, anger, crying, consoling begins).

If you say I take more than I give, you're probably right. But then, I think its only human to do such a thing.

I cant help being the way I am. For I am moulded the way I am when i was 5 years old. And I think it is most liberating to be able to accepts who you are than to struggle to change yourself. I dont make excuses for myself, and I certainly dont apologise for it. (yes yes, I do apologise when i've wrong someone, but I dont apologize when i dont act according to your standards, you get the idea). I just think its sad that if I'm 30 (yes lah, I know I'm not yet, but soon to be lah) and I dont still know who I am.

And I do admit who I am to those of you who know me. Just dont try to change me. Dont say I dont warn you...