01/09/2006

I had two types of recurring dreams that I hate. One is being chased and the other is when someone died/fell ill. But when I dream of her, its a different story. Everytime I dream of her, I am overwhelmed with this sense of love. But when I wake up, it leaves me confused as I felt lost without her.
I dreamt about her this morning. This time, she took the form of a dog. She was a cross breed between a dog and a bear (don't ask me why, it is a dream afterall). I remembered she clinging on my arm so tightly and shivering. I hugged her and rubbed her all over wishing I could make her feel better.
And so I woke up, confused yet again. I woke up and decided I should not spend the day at home watching tv again. So I got ready and went out of the house, not knowing where I'd go. This is the first time I went out without knowing where I am going. All I know is, I just want to get out of the house (nobody was at home). So, I went to take $$$ and drive through McDonalds to takeaway my lunch. My mind was thinking and wandering where I should go...

And then, I remember that place.

And so, I slowly make my way to that place, driving through with the help of the signboards as I dont really remember how to go there anymore. My mind was going "Oh well, if I dont find that place, I could use it as an excuse to drive around anyway.."

When I finally arrived, I was suprised as the place was not as big as I remembered it to be. I ended up walking the whole place for 3 times. It reminds me of a certain shopping complex that I used to frequent back when I was in Australia studying. The structure, the shops, the lightings, the ambiance, all reminds me of that place. Yup, its just the place I want to be. Somewhere to take my mind off things.

And so, that marks the end of the 4 offdays. I'll be back up tomorrow at work. Good time spent.

:)

Happy Merdeka people!

30/08/06

Went to see doctor and this is what I found out...

1) She discovered a small fibroid measuring 1cm and told me its normal "but if you are worried, come back for another scan in 6 months time" (and since a normal routine checkup timespan would be 2 years apart, 6 months is a bit short and scary) !@#$%

2) I only have 6 more years to go before I need to consider other options.

3) I am in the bracket of people who are in a higher risk of a certain type of illness.

4) I gained 3kg since my last visit (2 1/2 years ago)

And that gave me enough reasons to continue my shopping spree...

Received an sms from a friend asking where I'd be tonight. Then it struck me that tonight is Merdeka Eve and I have not thought of going out to celebrate or countdown-ing. Cause:

1) I am a lazy bum.

2) I have no money.

3) I don't want to be out where the crowd is.

4) I cannot drink & then drive.

5) I don't trust myself to drink while my "bodyguard" is not around :P

So, I am lazy, I am tired, I am broke, I am worried of the crowd and he is working. So I am staying home. No regrets at all. But I will miss the fireworks uphill though :(

Fibroid

What are uterine fibroids?
Uterine fibroids are tumors or lumps made of muscle cells and other tissue that grow within the wall of the uterus. Fibroids may grow as a single tumor or in clusters.A single fibroid can be less than one inch in size or can grow to eight inches across or more. A bunch or cluster of fibroids can also vary in size.

What causes uterine fibroids?
Currently, we know little about what causes uterine fibroids. Scientists have a number of theories, but none of these ideas explains fibroids completely. Most likely, fibroids are the end result of many factors interacting with each other. These factors could be genetic, hormonal, environmental, or a combination of all three. Once we know the cause or causes of fibroids, our efforts to find a cure or even prevent fibroids will move ahead more quickly.

Is a Fibroid Cancerous?
Uterine fibroid tumors are benign growths, and are only very rarely malignant. Less than one percent develop into uterine cancer. These very rare occurrences generally occur in women during menopause. The vast majority of leiomyomas are not life threatening, although some can cause health complications. Having fibroids does not increase your risk for uterine cancer.

What are the treatments for uterine fibroids?
If you have uterine fibroids, but show no symptoms or have no problems, you may not need any treatment. Your health care provider will check the fibroids at your routine gynecological exam to see if they have grown. Also, because fibroids are dependent on hormones, your fibroids may decrease in size during/after menopause.If you have pain now-and-then or feels mild symptoms, your health care provider may suggest pain medication, ranging from over-the-counter remedies to strong prescription drugs.

Who gets uterine fibroids?
Most of the time, fibroids grow in women of childbearing age. Research studies estimate that doctors diagnose up to 30 percent of women of childbearing age with uterine fibroids; but, because some women show no symptoms of fibroids, as many as 77 percent of women of childbearing age could have the condition, without knowing it. We don’t know exactly how many new cases of fibroids occur in a year, nor do we know how many women have fibroids at any one time.There have also been reports of rare cases in which young girls who have not yet started their periods (pre-pubertal) had small fibroids. Researchers have also found that fibroids sometimes run in families. Researchers now recognize several risk factors for uterine fibroids.

Current statistics place African American women at three to five times greater risk than white women for fibroids. Women who are overweight or obese for their height (based on body mass index or BMI*) are also at slightly higher risk for fibroids than women who are average weight for their height. Women who have given birth appear to be at lower risk for uterine fibroids. But, because we don’t know what causes fibroids, we also don’t know what increases or decreases the risk.

Are there any pregnancy complications involved?
Most leiomyomas do not interfere with pregnancy, but size and location can cause complications. The extra blood flow to the womb during pregnancy can stimulate tumor growth. Occasionally, caesarean sections may be required to counteract complications. Possible complications include miscarriage, premature contractions, and premature labor.

Infomation extracted from here and here.

Its been more than a year now...

I just realize I have been doing this for more than a year now. It all started at Friendster on June 2005. I have been wanting to learn how to post more links at the side. But I never gotten around doing it :P Been thinking about moving the previous post in Friendster up here so that everything is at 1 place...
I'm back in KL for a 4 day break. Didnt really had anything planned, will just see how things go. Torn between some last minute shopping and my credit card bill this month.
Seriously need a break...

27/08/06

I had a nightmare this morning.
I dreamt that there is a huge tsunami in Malaysia. It is like a scene from the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. A huge wave came crashing in. Soon, everything is covered with snow, me and my brother were among the survivors.
But that wasn’t what is bothering me.
In my dream, my brother fell ill and lost his voice. We only found out about his deteorating condition when a colleague said “You ada mati tulang syndrome, tau tak?”… I was shocked and I touched his arm. His arm was cold. Since he couldn’t speak, he wrote something on a piece of paper, noting down a common type of medicine to relieve his pain temporary. When my colleague left, I said, we must get you help. He replied, “I won’t be able to survive the journey…”
I woke up soon after. But when I fell back to sleep, I continued dreaming and I have thought of piggy-back him to get him help (cause its covered in snow outside remember? And I read somewhere that piggyback a person is a good way to keep warm as the bodyheat is close to each other…)
Unfortunately, he succumbed to the illness and died soon after.

1) I actually went online to check if there are illness called ‘mati tulang, tulang mati, dead bone, bone dead” just to see if there is really such things.
2) I am deeply troubled with the coming of the “end of the world” day.
3) My brother is sick and died (at least in the dream) and that gave me a sickening feeling.

I hate these kinda dreams. I want to document this because I believe that if you remember the details of your dream, it will not likely to happen. I want to make sure I remember so that non of this would happen.
Yea yea, its stupid cause it is just a dream. But it makes me look forward to my 4 days leave in KL even more!

26/08/06

I have been bitching a lot lately…

I used to hate fakes and I used to not able to understand how people can be fake. I used to not been able to dislike a person but can look into their eyes and smile the sweetest smile. I do not understand how I could pretend that I like someone even though I hate that person to the core.

I had my first exposure to people faking each other out in my first job. Its like a learning curve. In my third job, I was given the opportunity to learn how to be a fake. The first year was difficult as I constantly struggle with what is right and wrong. I was confused at times when I didn’t know how to behave anymore.
2nd year into my current job, I begin to understand. I can bitch about certain someones behind their back and once they show up, had the sweetest smile in my face while attempting to start a very friendly conversation.
Even I surprise myself sometimes. Back then, if a person wronged me, it would affect me emotionally. But now, I remember every single detail and I story-ed it back to my friends. At the same time, maintaining a civil relationship with that person in particular.
I am aware of what I have become. And so, I tried to avoid these people who irritate me. By avoiding them, I minimise the chance for me to bitch about them. But sometimes, the kay-poh side got the better of me and I will find chance to be near to them so that I could dig some interesting gossip to spread around.

I forgive, but I don’t forget.
And to defend myself, I only bitch about certain people who wronged me before. The rest, I just shut-up and listen.

I hope I won’t turn out to be like her. Yikes! And as a first step towards healing and changing, I here forgive and apologize to the people I bitch about before. I am sorry…

But if you repeat what you did to me again, I will make sure the others know about it…

19/08/2006

You know how sometimes bad news can spoil your day?

How the situation change and there is no one whom you can vent out your frustration to?

How you wish you could blame someone but you have a faultless person in front of you?

Its just crap. Total crap I tell you.

Jakuns...

Yesterday, we went down to this Korean restaurant for dinner. It’s at this place where they called the “Korean Village”… something like Chinatown, only its full of Koreans.
The food was fantastic. I didn’t take pictures cause I wasn’t about to do a review on that place. But what I wanted to share about is how jakun I felt at that restaurant and how out of place we felt at that place.
First thing first, the closest I’ve been to the Korean culture was when I went to Korea for a trip with my family few years ago. I still remember having a great time there. The food was great, the weather was cold and the sight-seeing is fantastic! We had ginseng chicken, raw squid (yes, if u’ve seen fwd emails of Koreans makan-ing live squids, I’ve tried that!), grilled pork/beef (which apparently was one of the famous meals there).
And so, we had grilled beef/pork yesterday. And suddenly I am in my jakun mode cause I was asking the lady (very nice and patient lady who speaks English with an American slang) about the dishes and how we go about eating it. At one point of time, I asked if they have served us the wrong dish cause we asked for marinated pork but they gave us fresh ones. The waiter was acting like an asshole cause I wanted to speak to the lady (whom we ordered from), but he stood there (blocking my view to catch the lady’s eye) and keeps saying, “we don’t have any marinated pork today”. !@#$%
Now, what I wanted to point out is from the customer view, I would have said that the waiter is being pandai-pandai and well, being cocky and all. BUT, if I were to transport the whole scenario back up to the hills where WE are the employees, I would have thought, gosh, what a stupid customer, I said don’t have, means don’t have lah. See my boss also no use what!?!
Hmm, get it? Being in the service industry, I was constantly exposed to juicy stories on difficult customers. And when a bunch of us sit down together, the conversation would be either about our bosses or exchanging stories about customers.
And now, as a paying customer in that restaurant, I was suddenly very confused on how I should have act and felt. Who is wrong now? If u are not from the service industry, u’ll probably say, Customer is always right, blah blah blah. But, the customers are NOT always right. There is a fine line between the customers being right and INSISTING that they are right. One is our fault for giving wrong info, and the latter is just about pacifying the customer to LET them think they are right.
So, after the dinner (food was really good!), we took a walk around the neighborhood and visited a few of its supermarts (see, I told you we go dating in supermarkets, damn pathetic right???) Now, suddenly, we found ourselves in unfamiliar territory. The shop owners are Korean, the items being sold is Korean, even the customers are Korean! We really felt as if we were in Korea. I find the experience somewhat intimidating, cause at that time, WE are the outsiders… Scary…
But of course, I am not (at all!) faulting the Koreans. Don’t get me wrong. I am just saying that suddenly, FOC, and without traveling, we find ourselves at unfamiliar places with unfamiliar ppl speaking unfamiliar languages, ALL FREE OF CHARGE!!
Cool right? A mini shopping/makan-ing experience in Korea FOC!

It was a good night. And to wrap it up, while driving back uphill, we came across a new mini-mart along the road:
Des:Eh, got M-Mart wor!
Me: Yea lor, yea lor, yea lor!!
Des: Want to go??
Me: Want! Want! Want!

See, I told you we have been reduced to jakuns really when we are uphill all the time.

You and I Both

How is that for a change?
But then again, I am in the "green" mode. I seems to be buying hell lots of green stuff this year. So, the choice of colour for this new template is not suprising eh?

Just wanted to post this lyrics up by Jason Mraz...

You and I Both Lyrics
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me?
All things are gonna happen naturally.
Oh, taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing.
Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines.
And the bright light turns to night.
Oh, until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me.

chorus:

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others only read of
Others only read of the love
Of the love that I loved.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words;
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words.
More words than I, had ever heard and I, feel so alive.
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Oh, then you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally

Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephone
well, they're workin in both ways
But if I never ever hear it ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of and if you could see me now
Well then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedeedeede
Well i'm almost finally finally
well out of words

---
Well, its not a new song, but somehow I like it :)

12/08/06

I was dead tired by the time I hit home. It was a tiring day indeed. My room was flooded because some pipes in the bathroom apparently burst. The water seep through the floor and flooded my room. My walls & ceilings are dry, but the floor coverings are all wet. !@#$% Thank god the water is clean! Looks like i'll be staying in a wet room for dunno-how-long until they fix it.

As I speed my way back home after cleaning the room, I thought about you again.

How I (on previous entry) go on and on about being sad that you are no longer around and how I felt about ever finding a replacement of you.

But deep inside, I knew I never intended to ever replace you. I never wanted to have a anything that knew exactly what you knew. I wanted the good memories to be with you. I wanted the bad memories to leave with you as well.

Somehow, I am never quite a person who likes to look into the past materials. Yes, I may like to dwell in the past, but I never really have a liking to looking at old pictures, diaries, etc. Note the word "materials". I dont know, perhaps I knew the pictures and diaries would only serve as a captions of my life for others to see, but it will never be as good as my memories for I am the one who experience it myself right? Yea, the pictures shows a happy face, but i knew what happen before and after it.

Sigh, oh well, i suppose I would be over you soon. We had good times, but you were also the one who are around during the low time of my life. You carries the memories with you. And perhaps, this would be another step for me to move forward in life. And to do that, I would have to leave you behind...

What to do...?

Sigh, just when I finally figured out how to be with you more often, you die-ed on me. Yea, I know, I already have warnings about you being sick and all, but i didnt realize you'll go so suddenly...

It was about two years ago when you started showing signs of ailing. I am sory that I didnt even let you be treated when you were diagnose with an ailment that will worsen over time. The doctor gave me a high quote for your bill and i guess at that point of time, I just want to bring you home to die happy at home, or rather, I counldnt afford the medical bills. I didnt buy insurance for you (so, people out there, take this as a lesson). Furthermore, the doctors wasnt very sure of the diagnose as well. They did not give me full confidence in your recovery. I had no confidence in them, and I certainly do not want to leave you alone with the rest of the sickly ones.

I got to know you four years ago. We have a good time together. I remember the days when its just the both of us in the early hours in the morning. You teman me and kept me awake until dawn. You let me keep in touch with the ones i love and keeps on motivating me and making sure I am not alone.

I am somewhat still in denial when I found out about your condition. I keep saying to myself, you're strong, its been so long and yet you are still going on, etc... I keep denying about the fact that you were sick, and thusI havent really prepared myself for this day. I dont believe that you will leave me one day. Even with the warnings and as time flew by, I made absolutely no preparations at all to prepare me for this day. Everything I have, I let you have. So many sweet memories, you knew about everything, the trips, the scenery, the pictures, the dairies,...I never thought of replacing you. Nothing could. It is just too painful to find a replacement and re-tell all the stories that you knew.

Even when you went suddenly that day, I was extremely calm. I was too shocked to feel anything. But I knew you held on for as long as you could. Even if I could revive you, I am not sure if I want to do it. Cause i know you must have suffered a lot.

Its like the million-dollar question. Would you prolonged a loved one's life and do everything you could just to make sure its alive even though you'll are also prolonging the pain and suffering?

Would I now make any attempts at all to make sure you stay alive or let you die a peaceful death...?

What the...? (Part 2)

04/08/06, the sms reads:
A/C NO:8xxxxxxxx Credit Limit: RM600.00 Your call usage fr last billing date till 7pm yesterday is RM42.21 (exclude any recent roaming charges)

05/08/06, the sms reads:

A/C NO:8xxxxxxxx Credit Limit: RM600.00 Your call usage fr last billing date till 7pm yesterday is RM196.78 (exclude any recent roaming charges)

What the...?

Tiu, force me to update my MSN Messenger and install the new version, then delete all my contacts, then only let me log in... got use meh?
Semua contact sudah tak-da, never tambah balik, got use meh???
Pls send me a msg if u see me online or fwd me ur hotmail account again if you are reading this.
TQ!
p/s my msn email i now use agneslong@hotmail.com

04/08/2006

Walau.. I didn’t know what have gotten into me the past two days.. I really don’t know how I manage to survive the past 2 days with just pure fruits &vege diet.
Think I lost about 2-3kgs of water weight in 2 days… though the weight off didn’t seem to affect me much cause I knew I was gonna gain it back the moment I eat normally again!! Had tomyam meehoon for lunch and meatballs, meatballs never taste as good! Had a steamboat lined up tonite. Bring it on! Hmm, perhaps I’ll have the ayam goreng and ikan kembung for supper!
The thing is, although I wasn’t particularly hungry, I crave meat very much. Though I was able to keep my mind off food most of the time, but when I am out seeing others eating, that is the worst time ever! But I am VERY proud at myself to be able to tahan for 2 days. The 3rd day was to be a bonus, but what heck, my boss is up and I need to eat to work again!
Its 5pm, it’s the 1st week, and I am checking out!

A good day indeed!

I FINALLY MANAGED TO ONLINE FROM MY ROOM USING MY HP VIA BLUETOOTH!!!

HURRAY!!!

Detox

-- Happy 6th yr anniversary and have a wonderful 25th year ahead! --

3 years ago, my ex-colleague told me she usually goes on a DIY detox once a year. It consists of (if I remember correctly) fruit juice and raw vege/fruits only diet. Supposedly it cleanse your system or something.

I made ONE attempt to go on it as well but it failed as the limau juice I bought was too sour and I don’t think I can survive on it with an empty stomach.

3 years later (older and wiser), I am on my second attempt on it. I started the Agnes-Detox prog.

I bought juices that weren’t that sour/acidic. While swearing off meat & any oily dishes, I have limited myself to fruits & vege. However, having a fear of fainting in the office, I’ve allowed myself to have soyabean drinks and also eggs as my source of protein to ganti balik my lack of carbohydrates (no rice too!). Since I do not have cooking facilities in my room, I had turn to my water boiler to boil eggs, carrots and corns to eat.

Bear in mind it is a detox thingy, not a weight loss thing. I started yesterday, the target is for me to survive on this meat-free diet for 3 days (Harlow, coming from a person who swears at vegetarian meals and will be in a state of malnutrition in 2 weeks if I don’t have my meat intake, its good enough ler!). However, I would be just as happy if I can make it till the end of today since I am already craving for tomyam, ikan kembung, ayam goreng and bacon yester-night.
I am in a state of oblivion. You should have seen myself last night. I was holding back tears for my kembungs while having salads (VOLUNTARILY) for supper.

So, I have only one more dinner to endure. And tomorrow is a new day. Regardless of whether I decides to continue with this detox thing will be decided whether 1) there is any more fruit juice left and 2) the calling for tomyam meehoon is greater!

Hahahah! See, this fruit/vege thing is not for me. I am laughing at myself. Alone. Quietly.

What happen to the real ME???!!!