Long forgotten...

Few days ago, I chanced upon a long forgotten box. I half expected it to be empty when I reached for it. Imagine my surprise when it was heavy. I opened the box and was amazed to find these…

It contains:
Letters I don’t remember receiving
Penpals I don’t remember having
Gifts I don’t remember owning
Names I don’t remember knowing
Postcards I don’t remember writing
Cards I don’t remember getting

Most of the stuffs dates back to secondary school and college. I rummaged through the pile and gingerly opened every single of the letters. I didn’t read them, mostly just scanning for the author of the letters. The amazement I felt when I struggled to recognize the letters and to recall the people who wrote them. There were letters received when I was in a “penpal” phase and the friends I made during my short stint in Langkawi, most of whom I do not keep in touch anymore. There were names in the letters telling me about their updates back then that I cannot put a face to. An attendance card of sort, to mark our whereabouts in the college. Then there were cards that meant so much to me but stashed away, long forgotten. Then there were this little necklace, a gift that until today I have no idea what it meant. There were colourful envelopes from friends who are creative and long letters that I appreciate a lot.

The sudden feeling of exhilaration when the memories came gushing in…

25/11/2006

Count your blessings, No more complaints...

Count your blessings, Do not complain...

Count your blessings, Stop complaining...!!!

Current Satisfaction

I guess with reference to the previous entry, one would have guessed that I am a materialistic person.

I admit I am not a “big picture” person. I seek current satisfaction and I find solace in material things. Instead of braving it out for a better time ahead (bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian), I seek comfort on current satisfaction to help me get by. Instead of giving up everything to achieve a goal in future, I need some pick-me-up moments to help me reach that goal.

But does this mean I cannot work towards a future or achieve certain goals in my life? Not really. But then again, I am a person who is very easy to please. Current satisfaction matters most and perhaps it’s with this, that I am less incline to have super big ambitions. I need shorter goals or tangible things to look forward to. I am brought up in a middle income family background, and being me, I am contented to work for the rest of my life and enjoying life little surprises along the way. Less risk, less return perhaps, but I am happy.

Or am I?

I suppose by now you would also know that money is important to me. Save those “money not important, health is” or “money cannot buy happiness” to yourself. I respect the way you think but don’t condemn me. Money IS important because we need that to survive. Money cannot ensure health but it certainly can PAY the medical bills (plus, people are getting sick nowadays not of work, but over many other factors). Money cannot buy happiness but it can REDUCE our depression and stress by settling our bills/debts/savings. Being in the middle income group, money plays a very important role because we need it to match our daily expenses.

Financial stability is what we seek before we pursue other bigger matters in our life.

And now at 25, I am struggling between my current satisfaction craving and the desire to seek this financial stability in life. I admit I am changing as a more mature person and taking steps closer towards this long term goal in life. However, the price to pay is me and my current satisfaction. I need time to evolve. Changing overnight or changing for the sake of someone else will make me miserable person. And at 25, I’d know better than to do that. Instead, striving to change for ME is the power.

I can only change to become a better person if I want to.

And I am working towards it.

Lucky you if you have a rich partner. And for the rest of us, a toast to our choices, our partners and teamwork.

You go get the car and the house. And I’ll get the savings okay? :)

19/11/2006

Issues/things that irritates me...

No holiday to look forward to, Stonehead, my hair, no Astro in my room, not able to plan for future, people getting married/having kids, not having my car back, Group A, waking up early for work, headache, my wardrobe, rain, The City of Entertainment itself (really)

Issues/things that helps keep me sane...

My shoes, my credit cards, my savings, my new watch, my ring, my 650 Panadols, my handphone, 2008, Group D, reality shows

I think I am a sarcastic person in nature. Thinking back, in college/uni, I was blaberring "oh yes har!?!" at everything that I hear. And now that I am working, it evolved into a more positive and enthusiatic "Can, can, can also..."

Even my swear phrases has evolved, from "What the, what the!?!" to "What f**k!?!" and the straightforward "F**K". Sometimes, it will be a tone downed version of "CRAP", or "Absolute/total crap..." Think I used to swear a lot back in college/uni as well, but cant seem to recall the phrases...

No big deal, just talking crap to perhaps satisfy some of the PMS cravings of being frank. Think I have loads of issues to deal with. Which makes me wander, if these werent properly address, I wander if it will turn out to be like a long old couple in a marriage? In the beginning there may be a high level of tolerance of all these issues, but as years past by, it will slowly but surely surface and then it will path ways for resentment?

Interesting.

And my room is on the 12th floor.

18/11/2006

Be very careful... I am PMS-ing.

I have a huge longing for lots of cream puffs, another shopping spree and a short hairdo.

One wrong move, and I will be out to get all three.

By the way, guess what I found when I borrowed this book from the library?

13/11/2006

Escape - Desire to find a way out of a situation or circumstances. A signal that one can escape the thing feared. Confidence that one can overcome problems and enemies.

I am ready.

10/11/2006

In anticipation of a terrible day today, I went out yesterday evening after work determined to have a good relaxing time.

And I did.

1) A call from a long lost friend (he had to call my mum to ask for my hp #!)
2) Marinated beef ribs for dinner
3) The sweetest and creamiest cream puffs for dessert
4) A nice long walk around the neighbourhood and mall
5) A cheap lovely watch
6) A nice yamcha with an estranged friend (yes, estranged, though it is good knowing that despite what happened, we all can still be civil to each other and have a good chat).

A splendid evening, indeed.

A dream...

I had a dream this morning.

I dream of running away again. But this time its different. Instead of running away and being chased, I was already caught this time. Instead my dream started with me escaping. This time, I managed to escape. Nobody was chasing me. It was raining and I was escaping and running away in my pajamas. Also, this time, I knew where I was going. And so I ran and ran to that place.

Nobody was following me. When I arrived, I was tired and that place was packed with people. Somehow or rather, I went looking for someone, and he appeared. I tried to explain and he immediately took me in. He showed me upstairs and told me to rest. I closed my eyes feeling so safe. He reached out to touch my eyes and told me rest.

Then he started to leave. I immediately jumped up cause I don’t want him to leave and to be left alone. Then we started to pack things into my car and I prepared to leave. Before I could say thank you and goodbye, I woke up…

I woke up still sensing the feeling that I felt. That feeling is indescribable, the feeling of being loved, being cared for and knowing that I am now safe. A sudden rush of exhilaration and happiness that could only happen in dreams. Not to say that I’ve never felt that in life, but in dreams nothing else matters. Unlike in reality where life goes on, dreams give a chance to feel that joy without the repercussion of life. Even though it is for a short time and left me longing for more when I wake up, I’m still glad I feel that way.

But why is the dream different this time around?

Why? Why??

See see, that was the exact reason why i dont read books. Now they are doing it on TV too???

Sigh, just saw the last episode of Kevin Hill. So sad and to make it worst, that was the last episode for that series. One season only. They took away the baby from him. Then, the story ends there. Sigh...

Dahlah I am still in my Emotional-frappe mode..

Anyway, it reminded me of the fact that nobody is worst than anyone and that I am grateful for it. Despite the fact of what I went through years ago, I know I could be worst. And i guess that is how i manage to get past life and still manage to paddle through.

It is with the thought that no matter what circumstances i am in, I would be worst off. And that helped me feel better and face the challenges bravely. And that helped me accept myself for who i am. And make me realize that although I may be sad for now, I can definately overcome it instead of wallowing in self pity. And that, makes me a very oblivious person.

Recently, I've started to use this as a channel to send messages to people out there. Like i mentioned, the risk is that everyone will start to think that I am talking about/to them. Am I a coward to say things here instead in person? Rest assured that I am merely repeating what I've said here. I know and believe that there is absolutely no point in making references to them if they dont read it the first place. So, believe me, I'm not using this as a cowardly way to tell someone something that I dare not say to their face. Whatever I wrote here, has already been said out loud.

But having said that, please do think twice if you think that I am making reference to you. Cause it could all be just a fraction of your imagination and all these hoohaa may not exist at all. The level of ambiguity is, though somewhat low (well, my picture is up there right?), but my story isn't. Until you know how to tell the difference between the truth and the lie, please take this with a pinch of salt. The manisfestation of one's mind is powerful, but it is only you.

Isn't this what it is all about? Read between the lines, Juls...

I love you.

Closing time

Its such a roller coaster week. Worst than PMS I tell you.

How I know? Cause I just mistaken my handphone as the remote control. I actually pressed my handphone keys while aiming it to the tv. After a few times, i wander why the channel is still the same. Then I realized...

If anyone were to bump into us during our supper time, they would have thought that we were having an argument. Fortunately, the topic is not about us. It is about something else. Though I like the fact that we both can talk and argue about topics we do not agree, but I admit that it is tiring to be discussing the same subject everytime we see each other.

And yes, she did agree that it has nothing to do with me. The car accident has nothing to do with me.

She sheepishedly also admit that she deserved it. She knew I was right.

But it doesnt matter. I was an emotional wreak myself. I cried, i smiled, I yelled, I laughed, it feel like as if all emotions are put into a blender, and the concoction is then poured to my brain.

I havent icq-ed for a very long time. And I chanced upon my "About Me" intro. And I talked about this song. And it was one of my favourite song that I havent heard in a very long time.

Closing Time
Semisonic
(Feeling Strangely Fine)

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

No, it wasnt about you. It is about us. :)

04/11/2006

See, I told you it has nothing to do with me.
And I lied. You asked for it.

If you understands my post, that means its for you.
If you don’t, that means its not for you.

It is very easy to manipulate people’s way of thinking, no? That is the power of blog right? The risk we have to take to allow people to freely interpret the things we wrote.

And that is what makes it fun.

A toast to the past, the present and the future.

Not everything is about you, you know?

Mixed Emotions.

I am very happy for you because you found her.

I am very worried for you because you are upset by the truth.

I am very annoyed with you because you went way overboard.

I am very grateful because I have you.

A love story.

How do you talk sense into a friend who is absolutely blinded by love and can no longer tell what is right from wrong?

I am a very practical person. Logic and science makes more sense to be me than feelings and intuition. If logic points to a decision, I will make that decision despite the fact that my heart tells me another way. I am also a person who could sway both ways. I could agree and disagree with something. I can see both the good ad bad side of things. The downfall is sometimes, the information overload confused me and I can no longer see what is right and wrong.

That’s why Pancake tells me that I am task oriented and I don’t think out of the box and Stonehead says I’m like… no, I can’t say that here. Its demeaning and humiliating even for you to read it. I’ve lost respect to him for that.

Well anyway, I’d like to think a good boss will make full use of the employee’s skills instead of forcing them to become what they are not. Forget about the “its for your own good, for your development, etc”. I’ve heard it often enough until it makes no value anymore. The words are just to decorate the hardship you will face. Talk about brainwashing. Stonehead is good at that. But I’ve grown immune to it.

Anyway, back to my friend’s problem. I think his is a classic case of unreciprocated love from another person. The girl is very playful and she got bored with him. She thinks that he is too clingy. Tragedy strikes and my friend thought she needed a shoulder to cry on. However, his action was unappreciated and certainly unwelcome. The more he tried to be a friend, the more the girl avoided him, loathing his constant effort for contact and confusing his offer for support as clingy.

He was baffled by the girl’s lack of interest as he only wants be friends. After all, if they cannot be lovers, they could still be friends right? She means a lot to him and even though he knows she will never be his, he just wants her to be happy and at least still be friends.

He begged me to talk to this girl. To let her know that he cares. All he wanted is to be on talking terms and not to be seen as a nuisance. But what he didn’t know was that the girl and me used to be very close too. He forgot that our friendship dates back years before he got to know her. He didn’t realize that it’s just a game that the two girls play just to entertain themselves. Then one day, we both realized we went too far. Someone will get hurt and it’s too late to amend. We both regretted our decisions and are too ashamed to face each other. Since then, we drifted apart and became distant.

But he, he didn’t know all this. He didn’t understand the circumstances that we became distant. I was very embarrassed by the whole incident and felt guilty towards him. The girl, on the other hand, was trying to avoid him as she knew that he deserve much more than how she treated him.

But he didn’t understand. The more he tries to get closer, the more she retaliates, and the more frustrating I feel. Both persons are my friends. Both of them were at one time, talking to me, complaining about each other, saying things that the other person cannot know. Since then, I made a choice. I made a choice to maintain transparent communication. I feel that I know too much and that the more I know, the longer this will drag on. I choose to talk to only him, to keep me sane.

Since I stopped talking to her, things were a lot better. Well, yes, my friend still laments about her cold shoulder, but at least I only hear one side of the story and I am able to sympathies with him. He still hopes for her friendship and wants me to help, but for his sake, I refused to talk to the girl to explain his side of story. I knew what went wrong and I don’t want to make it worst. It may sound cruel, but it is for the best.

I’m sorry.

P/S: Do you believe in messing with people's mind? Do you believe that his story existed?

Nice songs... (Part 2)

Things are a whole lot more complicated that what you realized...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
[Chorus x2]

I am sorry for what I have done.

(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all thew things I didn't do for you
Hate me in way, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in8your heart to leave me behind

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways har d to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 3)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you do this to me?"

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

Nice songs...

We cannot stop other people from talking. Freedom of speech, No?

Oh, well imagine,
as I'm pacing the pews
in a church corridor
and I can't help but to hear
No, I can't help but to hear
an exchanging of words
"What a beautiful wedding."
"What a beautiful wedding,"
says a brides maid to a waiter.
"And, yes, but what a shame
what a shame the poor
groomsbride is a whore."
I'd chime in with a, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of hope...

Well in fact,
Well I'll look at it this way:
I mean technically our marriage is saved.
Well this calls for
a toast so
Pour the champagne
Oh, Well in fact,
Well I'll look at it this way
I mean technically our marriage is saved.
Well this calls for
a toast so
Pour the champagne.
Pour the champagne.

I'd chime in with a, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
Again

I chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No."
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
I chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of
closing the goddamn door? No?"
It's much better to face these kind of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.
Again

On the other hand, we all have skeletons in our closet, don't we?

Honey why are you calling me so late
It’s kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can’t be too loud

Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And yes I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don’t think she has a clue
Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late