070607

I am confused.

And knowing me, I’ll just take a mere second to decide and be done with it.

But not this time.

I want to take a step behind and to be able to see clearly the whole situation.

I didn’t want to make a decision I’ll regret. I’d tend to get too excited over these things and get caught up with the situation that wasting time choosing the inevitable seems unnecessary.

However, I am grateful of this opportunity. It shows me what I could be facings months down in time. The situation would be the same later, its just the matter of now or later.

Yes, the prospect and offer is great, though after some initial calculation, it will not be that much. But then again, I am not sure if this is the most I could get.

Money aside, the prospect is good, and I forsee a lot of work. So much so that I actually doubt if I could deliver. Insecurity clouds over me as I wander if I’m expected to deliver more than I could handle. I

Of course, the thought of returning home looks inviting. But for that, I’ll have to pay the price of being in a long distance relationship and will not be able to spend as much time as we do here. And yes, that is enough for me to reconsider. But it is for a short term. But half a year?

But all these things, its just a matter of time right? If its not now, it would be later, regardless of who is leaving first. And worst case scenario, what if I could never match this?

Which brings me into another concern. A very sensitive issue that I believe we both have not discussed. “Kong chin sheung kam cheng” (Talks about money will hurt relationships). How true is that saying. But at the bottom at my heart, I truly believe he will go far, and that in the end, all will be okay.

The inevitable is bound to happen. Unfortunately, life does not always happen the way we wanted it. Its just a matter of now or later. And I am grateful for this opportunity. I now have more time to weigh all aspects of the decision, instead of waiting for the very last minute.

I have wanted this to be just a test. To see what it feels like and how bad/well it could go. I certainly do not want to jump into decisions quickly. But after four hours, I am tempted to make it a reality instead of just an assessment.

But of course, the Director puts me off but the manager seems very nice. De ja vu, I tell you, cause it is the same stubbornness and old fashion that I see here. And change management is what taking place and I’ve been there all along. Do I want to spend time working with that level of stubbornness again? But of course, ultimately, the challenge lies with me in delivering what he wants and proving him wrong.

Small matter, really.

I’ve a friend, who told me “Don’t you worry about these things. Let it happen naturally, and things will fall in place. Look at me, when I got married, I didn’t thought about owning our own house, and look at me now, three kids and two cars!”

These words has comforted me so much, and I breathe a sigh of relieve and say a silent prayer to HIM to seek for his direction.