24/1/2007

I feel numb.

The fact that I'm busy with work is one thing, and the fact that I am keeping busy with work is another thing.

And see, just as I predicted, usually when I'm up hill, i usually lose the interest to write.

Days up hill is really about surviving and living it day-by-day.

Just wrote two paragraphs about work, and all I see is complaints. Really, all I ever write up here is complaints.

I still strongly believe in NOT leaving your job because of a difficult boss, but now, I recommend anyone to leave when they are stuck in a lousy SYSTEM.

Gosh, I really look forward to the day when I am back up here as a customer.

On a lighter note, I've removed my hardisk from my now RIP laptop. I've got ALL my music back, but I cant retrieve my pictures.

Someone please tell me that the pictures are just hidden in the disk and it only takes a genius to figure out a way to extract them... please!?!

23/1/2007

Again, after three offdays, I am greeted by the most outrageous defamation email one could get from Stonehead…

It is now 1030 am and I am told that both of you are not in yet.

Of course I am not in the office, CAUSE I AM ON LEAVE, YOU IDIOT!

Guess who took my copy of leave application form and forgot to update into Stonehead schedule?
Guess who also took 4 days leave without informing and updating Stonehead’s schedule?
Guess who sits besides me?

I feel extremely victimised now.

Believe me, you would feel the same if you had seen the rest of the email and the list of the email recipients.

‘…Somehow, people down there is so demotivated and just wont do anything more…”

Wander why…!?!

Talk about the root of ALL problems…

Being thankful vs. Denial

2nd day into my offday.

Spent the whole day watching tv and recuperating from a day-long shopping yesterday. And also to take my mind off on my credit card bills.

And to imagine i just cleared it in Dec, dumping a good 5k into it to zerorise it and now its back up to 2k already! Damn AirAsia!

Its been good. Got a few things up in my mind. Cant help but to think perhaps only when i'm back in kl do I have the time and peace to think about all these things.

And yesterday, I got a suprising news from a very distant cousin who got married just days ago! And what suprised me even more is my reaction to it. I was very happy for him, and at the same time, I didnt get depressed after I hear the news! Which is a change really, considering the fact that I usually get very worked up everytime I hear people getting married.

There were some issues that I managed to talk it out with my mum yesterday. And I guess it was good as it made me feel a lot better. And I guess thinking back, to be thankful and be grateful for what I have brings me back to reality.

Oh well, I dont know how long this feeling will last. I cant seemed to tell the difference between being grateful/thankful and being in denial. I get very confused over this fact many times. On days that I'm thankful for things helps me looked on the brighter sides of depressing days. But sometimes when I'm down again, I realized that it was there all along and while I am okay living and thinking positively about it, I'm back to feeling sad.

That is why I'm trying to figure out what is the difference between these two things? I dont like living in denial, and sometimes, I'd rather feel the pain than to push it away. And I know I do that, I push the negative things away. But pushing the negative things away is just gonna make it bounce back harder you know?

Like a pendulum, I mentioned earlier. I just swirl back and forth over things.

I know I sound very depressed, but I'm not. I guess I just have time to say these things out when I'm away from the hill.

And perhaps will have more time to think about these things with the mobility of a laptop???

Hehehe...

Pendulum

Except for factors that we cannot control (such as miserable bosses), I am happy.

I am happy at how things are going. Of course there are ups and downs, but isnt that what life is all about?

We are humans afterall, and for those who says "I absolutely agree" to the statement "I am never envious of anyone", they are lying (it is a statement from a pychometric test).

Like I said many times, being perfect is a defect itself. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

Someone told me recession is gonna hit 2008. And that throws my plan completely out of whack.

And I meet a nice stranger whom I exchanged number with. The first time I did that was years ago when she turned out to be a direct selling person who was just soliciting contacts. And I still remember being disappointed and that is when I lost hope at genuine friendship. Someone once told me, every friendship is a business opportunity. It saddens me. And makes me wander if this second encounter with this situation will be the same. I am sure to hear from her in the matter of days asking when to go out yamcha.

Why am I feeling so defensive and disappointed out of the sudden? That the sudden act of concern and care would have an interior motive? Or perhaps I am not used to this act of friendliness that I immediately brand it as something fishy?

I would be one to admit that I sucks at keeping in touch. And I hate it when friends who does make it look like I'm at wrong. I calls only once in a blue moon, and that also is because I'm probably around your area or I needed help for something. Yea, I know some of you may frown at my actions but at least I am being frank. And no lecture on how I should act like you please.

I'm turning 26 this year. Crap. But I am happier than ever. Yes, there are many uncertainties that still needs to be ironed out, but still, I keep reminding myself that I could be in situations worst that I could be in now. And that makes me grateful. That makes me appreciate what I have. That makes me thankful for how things works out. Screw those people who thinks highly of themselves and make the rest looks horrible just because the rest are not doing what they are doing.

But are they? Perhaps it is just me who keep thinking that the rest of the world is out to get me. To think that they are envious of me but in fact, I am the one envious of them. To think that I am happy but in fact I'm in denial.

I've read somewhere that people like me are like pendulum. We can think both sides of the story. But our minds sways from one extreme to the other so much so that it drives us crazy as we cannot decide which sides we are on. So, times like this I am on the "everything is alright" side. And I am sure by the time I hit the sack, I will be on the "everything is NOT alright" side. And when I'm awake and watching tv, I'll be back on my "everything is alright" side again.

Are there hope for people like me?

On a lighter note, I'm back home for three days after three weeks of work.

I need this. Badly.

5th anniversary

5th of Jan came and went. I still remember that I was particularly busy that day, and it is only on the 6th of Jan morning, did I suddenly realized that the day has past.

Me: I suddenly realized, 5th of Jan is yesterday.

Him: Yea.

Me: I was so busy yesterday that I completely forgot all about it.

Him: Yea.

Me: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Him: I don't know.

I had in mind what I want to do. Now it is just the matter of finding the right time, the right spot and the right location to get it done.

Note to self: Must do before the year ends. Otherwise, it is not valid anymore.

20/1/2007

And its been good.

I'm tired, but I'm back home. And that is all that matters.

:)

15/01/2007

I've been bitten by the AirAsia bug!

1) Kota Kinabalu in June,
2) Bangkok in September, and
3) Chiang Mai in October!

:)

12/01/2007

Just a quick update.

Came back from a two-day course in KL. Stayed in Coronade Hotel, Jln Bukit Bintang. Had a wonderful time! It is so convineant to shop at Sungei Wang right till the shops closed and then dont have to worry about traffic jams cause the hotel is just right opposite! Meet up with a friend who stayed nearby and catch up with her a bit. Training was alright, and now i'm back up at work. Gonna have a difficult week ahead as I'll be alone up here.

:) I'll be alright. I CHOOSE TO BE ALRIGHT!

8/01/2007

It is always not good when I blog when I’m angry…

Why? Because I’ll end up saying things I do not mean to say. But today is really the "cannot tahan' day liao. So here goes…

He ignores you but you still die die also wants him back as a friend.

You ask me to do the one thing I’ve explained many many times why I don’t want to do. And I said, maybe but I will not promise.

And then you show temper and tell me I AM NOT DOING WHAT A FRIEND SHOULD BE DOING?

Wow…

And you, what good is a lavish wedding when you avoids people whom you still owes money?

Somemore dare to say about being matured when you are a coward for not facing your problems.

Both of you, you two win lor.

6/01/2007

I’ve heard of his name before I saw him. And since, I shudder whenever I hear his name.

But today, after much delay, I finally get to talk to him face to face.

And it was everything I expected it to be. Worst case scenario.

Kena, left right centre, straight direct from the Mr Bull.

I think I need at least two days to recuperate…