I am the Kacang ('cont)

I feel the need to redeem myself after the previous post of me bashing.

For the longest time i've been wanting to talk about the kacang issue but in many occasion has decided against it. Because you see, there are a lot of you who fail to see the other side of the coin.

You hold on to every single word that I said and judge it against your own life. Essentially, many people fail to see the people lead different lives and (lo, behold) have different priorities from you.

Say for example, a lot of people do not understand the difficulty that Des and I went through with him working in shifts. They fail to see that the weekends that they all look forward to to rest and relax with their partners is not something that happened on a regular basis for us. They fail to see why I cannot commit to a weekend holiday in 6 weeks time purely because we have no idea whether either one of us is able to make it (no weekends off luxury remember?) And I particularly hate it when they are quick to come to a conclusion and ignore the reasons why I want to go back to have dinner with des every single day of the week.

I dread it when Friday comes and colleagues asked the mandatory 'what you doing over the weekend'. My answer? 'Nothing really'. Weeks and weeks to come.

Am I safe to think that for those who have never dated people who works in the service industry will never understand? I've given up trying to explain what I feel lonely even though I live with Des. Dont get me started about 'if you feel lonely, why dont you go out and do something?' Especially from people who are single and lead a 'young and adventurous' life.

Dont get me wrong. I'm happy. I like the way things are. Its just tiring to try to explain to people that it is ok about the fact that I dont necessarily feel and do things the way they do. I want to go back home to have dinner with Des every single day because I want to. Its not clingy, its because you people fail to realize that its only the dinner that I get to see Des. I dont get to see him for the rest of the evening and night.

Furthermore, we're married. We're not dating anymore. Things change. So what if yours didnt. Mine did.

Remember what I said about the other side of the coin?

I admit that there are times that I feel absolutely horrible and goes around asking friends if they have any sad news to share. I need to know that the world does not revolves around me. And you know what they say? 'I'm happy, and I want you to know that'. So much for being a friend. I think its particularly sad that you are happy because you dont want me to see you sad. They probably go on thinking 'Oh no, I have to be happy, I dont want Agnes to see me sad', for all the wrong reasons! Well, i think its pathetic that you're happy not because you truly are, but because you only pretend to be.

Remember what I said about people trying to teach me a lesson? Sad. But funnily enough, I just have to admit that I am guilty myself. There are many times that I'm just saying/doing things because I knew that provokes an action from you. How? Simple. Cause I know how judgemental you are, so I just need to drop a few hints here and there and bom! Response received and enjoyed.

We're not that different you know. If you look at me and you hate me, its only because we're the same. Believe it.

I'm pathetic. I know I know. I contradict myself ALL the time. Now i am the one who is trying to convince you all that I'm happy happy house, happy house happy house. I guess I'm just happy to finally find the energy to drag myself up on the bed and to type my thoughts out. I wander if its because of the overdose on the reality tv show that I've recently discover online. Hmm, I guess these sudden outburst of emotion is due to my emotion jar is almost bursting already. I miss you all from the hill. I truly do. Because you guys understand.

But then again, life goes on...