Happiness = Fear(?)

And so...

A few days ago, we drove down to Tesco to destress and a dose of retail theraphy. While we were making our way down hill, he commented on an article suggesting various ways to detress while up hill. Examples given were activities like watching the sunset, going about the rides, walking around to enjoy the cool air. But we both agree, that the best way to destress, is to get AWAY from the source of the stress. Don't you agree?

Anyway, the point is, we went to this large hypermarket, and went about our ways through the alleys and throwing absolutely unnessary stuffs into the trolley. And when that's done, we gather up the purchases and headed to the loo before getting to the car.

A bit of information overload, but while I was waiting for him and jaga-ing thr stuff, I looked at the throngs of people getting about their business and paying for their puchases, when suddenly a thought came into my mind.

"Now, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy this if I've chosen the other option".

To say that I was surprised and taken aback by my own thoughts seems impossible. But that thought made me remember (at that moment of time), the calmness and happiness that I have felt right at that moment. I am able to bask and enjoy what life has bring me on that day. How a simple shopping trip has made it all better.

But right after that moment, a sense of fear overcome me. A sudden rush of dread and fright on how all these can change at a blink of an eye. Instead of that moment of happiness that I wanted to remember, I keep remembering the panic reaction that I so want to forget. The fear that all could change in a second, and how I could wake up the next day losing everything.

look what surrounds you now
more than you ever dreamed
have you forgotten just how hard it used to be
so whats it going to take for you to realize
it all could go away in one blink of an eye
it happens all the time

Its true isnt it. We, or at least I dwell so much into that small minute bad part of our lives that we constantly forget the best part about it. How it all go vanishing in a second and our worst case scenario is really understated.

I fear.

I fear for the worst.

In fact, I constantly fear for the worst so much so I want things to happen faster so that by the time it comes, I would have experienced it all. All the good things in life before it lashes back all to me in all its fury.

The worst has yet to come.

And I live day to day, waking up, thanking God for yesterday as it did not happen, and praying to him that it will not happen today.

Everyday I go to sleep, breathing a sigh of relief. And everyday I wake up, wandering it is today.

I live my life in fear. Do you?

28/04/2007

Isn’t it funny how sometimes you forgot that people talk?

How you forgot that the people that you gossiped to are good friends with each other?

I don’t have to do anything, yet people still find out about the truth about you.

*chuckle*

The best part is the “legacy” you left behind…

Salvation, perhaps?

A glimmer of hope, probably.

What goes around comes around..

:)

22/4/2007

I'm tired.

Keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this.

And it feels better. Much better.

It is good to be home.

Been feeling miserable the whole week already. Been keeping the anger and frustration in. Been thinking that it is not worth it. Been seeing the whole thing repeats itself. Been thinking of the uncertainties. Been irrirated as I am not able to do anything about it. Been so discourage after being told what's in store for future.

This is my venting space afterall.

WHERE IS THE FREAKING DINASOUR!?!

On the other hand, here's a picture of lasagna. No, I am not turning this into a food blog. And I rarely order this kinda stuff. But the smell of it, brings me back to my uni days. The cheezy smell reminds me of the days when I used to buy frozen lasagna and heat it up for dinner.

The smell transported me back to my apartment. When its dark and quiet, our empty living room, our backyard (?), the clothes line, the purple TV, the blue beanbag, the rough carpet, the white plactic dining table and chairs, the white phone,...

My room, my fire-engine mattress, my wodden cupboard, my desk.

When the lasagna arrived, I scoped it up and inhale the cheezy aroma.

And for a few seconds, I've forgotten it all.

Unfortunately, life goes on.

11/04/07

I know I jinx it with the March post.

If talking about it is the only way to make it go away, so be it.

Stonehead's new secretary resigned after a month working with him.

Bear in mind she has a fantastically high salary for her position and she is a matured lady with EXPERIENCE in secretarial work.

And yet, she only lasted a month.

Goes to prove that I am not the only one having problems with him.

And so, after news of her resignation, guess who has been roped in to assist while they look for replacement??

And you know how it feels?

It feels like after walking for so long in a dark and endless corner, just when I found a torchlight to help me walk better, I've been asked to drop it and walk back the other way.

Really, I absolutely hate him. I have no problem at all with doing the secretarial work. Its how he shows up in the office when he told everyone that he would not be around, and how he cancels meetings that he demands to be set up. Absolutely no trust to his people and creeps around the office hoping to catch us slacking. And how he yells at you about the changes of the meetings in front of everyone, and cheekily admits "Oh, I might have forgotten to inform her afterall..." when confronted. How he goes around saying everyone here is doing useless things, and is like "a prostitute who openes her legs when told". How he wants to control every single thing. How he brainwash you into thinking you are in for a good thing when he practice cold storage system.

There is nothing personal about the job, but it is personal when it comes to him.

Yup, absolutely personal.

And oh yea, apparently, I just found out that if one were to render resignation within 24 hours notice, it means last day on the day of tender.

:)

March 2007

I’ve been trying to write about March.
How it brings good news, one after another.
How it offers challenges, one after another.
How it ends uncertainties, one after another.
How it shows confidence, one after another.
How it paves ways/options, one after another.
How it keeps me happy everyday, one after another.

Comparatively,
To say it’s a great month, seems too boring.
To say it’s a fantastic month, seems too mild.
To say it’s an eventful month, seems too meek.
To say it’s a suprising month, seems too peaceful.
To say it’s an amazing month, seems too ‘Discovery’.
To say it’s a fabulous…

Yeap, that’s it.

March was one heck of a FABULOUS month!