Past three weeks

I know my past posts has been somewhat dull. But only its because for the past three weeks, life hasnt been exactly "normal". So I promised myself that I will put up a proper update on what has been happening for the past three weeks.

Now, lets go back to 5th Feb, where it all begins. It was my last day of work up the hill. It was a quiet day as most of my colleagues has already left earlier for their CNY break. In fact, i think only about 20% were still around. So it was a quiet last day, but I was just as excited. We've packed up all our things into the car and it was packed up to the brim! I nearly dont have space for myself. Haha! Was I sad at that time? As mentioned, I was too excited about too many other things to realized that I was leaving for good.

CNY came and went. We went up to Ipoh over the weekend. And I was trying to recall the last time I went back, which would very well be more than 10 years ago. Funny when I made a remark saying the house looked a lot smaller than I remembered, and that's when my cousin said that its because we are all now grown up. Makes sense, cause I remembered running all the way back to the kitchen when I was small and now it took me only a few steps to arrive. I wanted Des to be around during that time, but unfortunately he couldnt make it. Oh well, I really dont know when will be the next time that I will be back...

Now the week after CNY was shaky, cause many things happened and the arrangements for the tip went haywired. Now that you know, my flight was delayed to the 9th March (I was originally scheduled to fly on the 2nd). Nevertheless, I shall not dwell on it. My accomodation has been confirmed, we will be staying somewhere near Wimbledon, in a house that De's father's friend own. We went around KL this week do, to clear up some stuff. Our taxes has been cleared, money has been arranged, bag packed (60%), room packed (70%), bills paid, a couple of farewells, etc. Oh yea, that was when we finally decided to buy a Dell, and it is working fine right now. I must say that the delivery has been very prompt. Imagine, I ordered on Tuesday and I got it on Saturday!

Soon after that, the registration date came. Frankly speaking, I was in a dazed, as true as many would have described, it was over before I knew it. We went for lunch after the short ceremony, and my brother caught me by suprised when he asked, "So are you happy?". I paused for a second, realizing that indeed, there were many other things on my mind, and three seconds later I replied, "It was what I wanted".

In between the days of the three weeks, I spend most of the time lazing around the house watching TV and sleeping the days off. Frankly speaking, after 3 weeks of not working, I am feeling really bored. I miss the challenge, I miss fighting for my rights, I miss having things to do, etc. As much as I love sleeping in, I know waking up late really screws up your system. Thats why I choose to wake up early at 6am for a week to ferry kids to kindy. Got nagging from parents, but its a lot deeper than that. Things are (as always) more complicated than it is...

With less than ten days left prior to the trip, most of our remaining days has been filled with loads of activities, yamcha here, bbq there, dinner here and lunch there. I do realized that I will miss my family, but I told Des, "This needs to be done." He replied, "No, there is always a choice." "I know, but I hope they'll understand..."

Perhaps, I would be able to finally sense the excitement as the date draws near...

28/02/08

:) I have put up my first post in my picture blog! Go http://www.picturesinthemaking.blogspot.com/ and check it out!

Anyway, I seems to have problems with Blogger.

First, i cant seems to be able to save and the retrieve the saved post to edit. I am not able to retrieve any saved changes whenever I wanted to edit a post. It always goes back to the first saved draft, regardless of how many times I've updated it.

Second, the date is all wrong. Imagine my first post about 26th Feb is posted on the 23rd Feb! Makes it look so ridiculous, but with reference to the first problem, it took me too long and too many tries to change it again.

Third, I just realized, Blogger isnt the most friendliest place to upload pictures. Apparently, I can only upload 5 each times. Die, how am I gonna do a pictorial blog if it isnt easy in the first place???

We'll see how long I can manage posting in two places. I still have problems deciding which goes where.

Alright, I'm tired. There are many things in my mind and life right now. But I'm sure I'll find time to post it up soon enough...

25/02/08

I cannot lah. No matter how much I try to forget, it still come back haunting me. Past week has been absolutely horrible.

Its like a healing wound that gets cut up everytime it starts the healing process you know. You know the dried scab on a wound? Its like everytime somebody ask me about it, I dig away the scab and its an open wound again.

Honestly, I've tried very very hard to avoid talking about it for as long as I could. Why? Its so to give time for the would to perhaps heal a little bit more so that the next time around someone ask me about it, when I dig into the wound, the wound is not as deep and it wont hurt so much anymore.

I dont know why. One minute I'm absolutely convinced that I am over it, the next moment when the topic is bought up, I could feel the anger brewing inside me again.

I know Des feels absolutely horrible about this, but trust me babe, I'm really doing the very best that I can. I'm trying very hard to put this behind me. Somehow or rather, it still refuses to leave me. It must be something deeper than this...

This issue has disturb me so much until I couldnt properly sleep. Heck, I was so caught up in it that I suddenly only realized that today is the last day that I will be a legally single. It is so bad until I didnt even realized this and I guess the pressure spilled over to the registration issues.

I.Hate.This.

Can you believe that I cannot even enjoy the fact that I'm getting married soon.

I guess nobody really knows just how much the original date means to me. All I really want now is to just get away so that we could start a life on our own. Its bad enough that we have 101 things to worry about when we're there. Now, we couldnt even do anything to prepare for it. And then they have the cheek to say how come we didnt do anything.

See, now I'm back to being angry all over again. Sigh, why cant I just stop being difficult???

Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

There shall be no more YouTube from now on cause my Dell is up and hopefully will be able to revive my music collection.

Anyway, past week has been, how should I say, not been going as I planned.

Yes, my flight has been delayed to 9th March, hence the updated Ticker above and the days counting down to the flight has been extended. There were issues, and I shall not divulge in it as it was very personal.

Frankly speaking, I have been trying NOT to blog especially for the past week in fear I wrote something that I will regret. Usually, I will write down during my most angry times as I want to capture the intense feeling that I am having then.

But this time its different as it involve a person what is very personal to us and it makes it difficult to dictates my feelings out as I do not want to have the issue anymore worst that it already is.

Pokoknya, what is done is done and I keep reminding myself to only concentrate on what is important. Right now, I'm trying to tell myself to only think about the ROM and anything else I'll deal with it later. With things happening, I've not been able to fully concentrate on the registration and I do not want to think about the trip anymore right now.

Anyway, I'm playing Colbie Caillat's Bubbly right now. No doubt it is a great song, but it is also apparently Sue Ann's favourite song. Whenever I hear the song being played, I'll remember the way the 6 year old sings in the car, and the way she asked me to increase the volume of the radio whenever it is being played and the way she sing along to the song in her own special 6-year old way.

19/02/2008

Been very busy for the past week.

Wake up 6am to drive kids to their kindy for a week
Did my tax clearance (but still waiting for letter)
Bought a Dell
Bought a shockproof, waterproof, freezeproof camera
Bought a year supply of Dermalogica
Pack and clean my room (still have about 30% to do)
Done a preliminary packing for the trip
Created a new blog but no post yet (wait, the Dell, camera and Photoshop will come together soon).

I still have a long list of things to do. Don’t ask me “why I never do earlier” because life is like that.

And last minute arrangement screws up our accommodation plans in UK upon arrival so we will end up sleeping on the street or delaying the flight.

I’d rather sleep on the street.

Pictorial Blog?

I'm starting a new blog to document the pictures that I'll be taking from now on. I haven't really decided on the name yet, so will "announce" it later when its up and running. You could go to my profile to peek first (though dont expect anything fantastic yet... or ever).

I do like taking pictures, but sadly, I haven’t make use my of Canon Powershot A80 ever since I bought it 4 years ago. I mean, I did initially when I first bought it, but I haven’t really understand and fully utilized the function that came with the camera. It has P, TV, Av, M, C1, C2, etc functions that I still haven’t managed to tell the difference. A high price to pay for something that I hardly use.

Three years later, with the relocation plan to London, I've decided to resurrect it. I'm still in the mist of testing a few batteries, cause I'm still not sure about its power and I think the LED screen is going off (with 30% of the screen slightly darker than the rest). It is taking longer than it originally does to on it and the main button for taking pictures also take 2 second longer to react.

Hence, I'm still undecided whether to buy another camera for the trip or after. Obviously, money is a factor. I'll play around with the pictures before deciding.

So much for introducing a place of pictures with the first post of nothing but words. I'm in the mist of downloading Photoshop, which hopefully I will be able to adjust and amend the pictures that I took. I look forward to doing more of these picture stuff when I have a laptop (soon I hope!).

We’ll see…

Lame Jokes

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Men are blind. It’s too dark over there.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
We have a knack to see and realize obvious things. It’s brighter over here.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
What compromise? They came over to a brighter place on Earth, while we are suppose to learn how to live life a little blurry.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Things are supposed to be clearer for them. Yea right, wait till they go over our place.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
No seriously. A little light and they thought they’ve seen it all.

Rich Bride, Poor Bride

Yes, 5th Feb was my last day up in the hill. And I have not look back since.

Partly its because I was bogged down with many other things, such as preparation for CNY, ROM and the trip.

After making about 3 trips down with the car packed to the brim, not only do I have to unload and unpack, I have to pack up things in my room to make room for the things that I brought down. Also, I forsee another round of packing AFTER I finish packing for the trip as there is no point keeping stuff for another year when i'm not around.

Funnily though, exhausting and tiring as it were, I'm not complaining. I find the act of packing up stuff very stress relieving, almost as it it re-energizes me as I unclutter my room. The act of packing up stuff to throw/give away is certainly very refreshing, perhaps, it reflects my need for a change as I prepare for a life changing month...

Anyway, the point is, I came across a list of things that I found on the internet long long time ago. Something about things that you should do in your life. I glanced through the list and I stopped at one.

"Be engaged at least six months before you married".

My heart dropped for a moment as I paused to think about the statement. "I'm only engaged for less than two months". The problem is, before I was reminded by the statement, I'd always thought that I was engaged for a very long time (which contributes to the issue on why I wanted to get married) because I always thought that I was proposed to seven years ago which I promptly accepted. Unfortunately, as years went by, I came to realized that the particular incident was not what I thought it was.

I know I'm being dramatic again, but drama is what makes this interesting...

Apparently, i am only "officially" engaged the moment he proposed at the beginning of this year. Which only leaves me two months to prepare before the registering of marriage. (And he wanders how come I expected it. Of course, otherwise, it will be no time to prepare! *roll eyes*). Logic plays a very important part in my life, hence the logistics of the whole thing was pretty logical.

Hence, all these time while I am thinking that I'm "engaged", I'm not. So, I got a pretty rude shock when I realized what being "officially engaged" means. Cause when it is official only I can start talking about making plans, money and many more issues. I told you I was banned from talking these stuff before the proposal. What to do, seven years of courtship and I cant discuss these kinda things and I'm only given two months to deal with it (Tell me how not to be mad about it? - I'm being dramatic, so read along...)

The sudden influx of information (bridal magazines, bridal forums, bridal websites, bridal this bridal that) sends me into this frenzy that I cannot control. Yes, I am only registering and not doing the actual ceremony yet, but you cant blame me cause apparently these are what soon-to-be-brides do (stick finger in mouth to gag).

Part of me wants to keep things as simple as possible purely on logistical issues. No money, no time and no planning. However, a very tiny part of me wants it to be magical. But I cannot even afford a new dress, let alone a photographer to take pictures. Suprise suprise, the desperate side of me actually wrote an email to a photograher practically begging him to do it for free.

Being engaged changed me as well. Obviously my topic of conversations has changed. I was talking to a cousin of mine (whom we barely exchanged meaningful conversation) about the issue of people adding their two cents of thoughts on our plans. "So what if its a marriage of convineance? So what if we're not ready for it? What can they do?" Which she proceeds to playfully slap me and said, "You are as stubborn as any one of our family." How true...

Well, dont worry so much about the statement (cause again, I have to remind you that I'm being dramatic and all). But then again, I found out something that makes me totally disgusted. I dont know which is worst, discovering the information or him looking at me and go, "Whats wrong with that?".

Funny how this post coincides with the start of my PMS week.

Happy Chinese New Years everyone!

01/02/2008

Just a quick update. Back home for a day today as I promised to go CNY shopping with mum. Managed to stick to my promise of not using credit card, but still managed to grab a couple of T-shirts. Oh well, its for the trip anyway.

Sleep has not been smooth, as I keep dreaming up weird dreams about the upcoming trip and waking up with an even weirder feeling. But as hard as I try, I cannot recall what I dreamt about seconds after I woke up.

Room uphill is getting emptier and emptier, but not as emptier as I would have preferred, I would say that we've managed to clear 70% of our stuff, with 30% still lying around the room. Aiks!

Thoughts has been running through my head about creating a new blog to track the trip and also would be good to "distribute" out to family members and friends. But I'll need to clearly draw the line on what will be updated in the new blog and what will be written in 512, cause I fear the it will be neglected. Also, I fear that I would have jinx it. We'll see...

Still have about 4-5 days of work before leaving the hill for good. Last minute issues begins to crop up, driving me crazy with the unnecessary stress.

February is officially here. And hence begins a very hectic and life changing month...

Metaphor

I am one of them.

When I first started, this place offers so many endless opportunities. It paints a wonderful great picture that I couldn’t possibly turn back. It seems so surreal and I could hardly believe my luck to be able to be here in the first place.

Little do I know the dark secret that this place holds.

Behind their smiling faces, lurks a creature man fears. A creature so terrifying, we only expect to see in movies. Newbies like me then, heard about their existence, but we thought its only myths and we never came to believe it. Of course, we have our chances. Thinking back, there were a few encounters, but we just brush them off as a mere coincidence so their similarities.

These creatures are highly intelligent. They are smart, and though they may seem to work individually, all their action contributes to a mission and vision of a common goal. To turn ALL of us into them. They do not easily show their true face to us. Rather, they enticed us and will do anything to gain our trust.

And trust we did. Years down the line, we begin to acknowledge their existence. Their presence is not to be discussed, but is certainly felt. No direct acknowledge is done, but we all know with the familiar frown and nods exchanged. We all knew the dangers lurking, but we are stuck with no where else to go. To buy time, we tried to maintain a civil relationship with them, thinking “I don’t kacau u, you don’t kacau me”. How naïve of us to think like that.

We knew that we were outnumbered, and we watched helplessly as we begin to lose our friends to them. Few of us took the risk to leave, but many of us were still afraid. Afraid of the outside world. Afraid of being an outcast because of our constant contact with them. Afraid we’ll have difficulties adjusting to life because we’re so used to them by now.

So used to them.

We’re becoming one of them. It happens so quickly yet slow enough for one not to realize the change. But others certainly did. The newbies who came in now know that we’re becoming one of them. Our family realized the change but we brush them off rudely, saying, “Perhaps,”pretending to be part of them is the only way to save ourselves”. We fear to become ourselves again because we don’t want to lose out. We begin developing extraordinary strengths and abilities that could take us years to get. We became cocky with our powers. We became comfortable with our powers. We became one with our powers.

I became one of them.

How do you warn the newbies about you? I certainly did, but they refused to believe, just like the way I laughed at these “myths” when I first came. The new ones became cocky, saying that they are well equipped with the knowledge of our existence. Sadly, they know nothing. Knowing about their existence is not anything like being one of them. They wont stand a chance.

Even till now, I struggle with my desire to warn others but is held back with what I’ve become. Certainly, I am ashamed to admit that I crave for my own needs and not to care about my victims. There is no cure. Even those who left, longs to come back. But deep down, I am still human, rather, I was human. Perhaps, with my last ounce of humanity, I will be able to gather enough strength to leave behind this shelter and to warn other humans about us. About me.

Phone Call

On 25th January 2008 at 5:52pm, I received a long awaited phone call…

Me: Hello:
Him: Hi, can I speak to Agnes please?
Me: Yep. Who is this?
Him: Hi Agnes. I’m XXX calling from XXX Insurance Company.
Me (rolling eyes thinking its yet another sales call): Yes.
Him: You attended an interview with me some time back.
Me (heart skipped a beat): Ah yes. How are you?
Him: Good. Are you still with XXX?
Me: Yes. I am still with XXX. (paused). Until February.
Him: What happens after that?
Me: (breathed in) My partner and I has just gotten a working holiday visa in UK and we’ll be flying over in March.
Him: I see. I’m actually calling to offer you employment. You see, the position is still vacant and has never been filled in.
Me: I’m sorry. I wont be able to take up the offer then.
Him: I see.
Me: I was looking forward to your call actually back then . And since its been some time back, I thought you have found the appropriate person.
Him: Alright then. All the best to you.
Me: Thank you. Hope you will find someone suitable as well.
Him: Thank you. Goodbye!
Me: Goodbye!

Risky Move

While chatting with a friend of mine via MSN few days ago, the topic of my London trip came up.

“I envy you. You’re like living my dream…”

While most people responded positively whenever I told them about our plan to leave, little do they know the risk and the reason behind the trip.

“The grass is always greener on the other side.”

How true. Though the prospect of going London itself is very exciting and it certainly inject a fresh feeling into our daily working mundane life, it is nothing like your usual 10-days trip to London where you get to travel to different cities, stay in different hotels, sight see and enjoy your trip.

No. In fact, its far from it.

Two things for sure. We’re going to London WITHOUT a place to stay and WITHOUT a job. Funny how I find myself saying that sentence out loud. Cause I’d swear that I’ve always go around telling people that its STUPID to resign from a job without first securing another. And I always say that I could never afford to STOP working because I have bills accumulating every month.

RELOCATE.

We literally drop everything that we have been building towards (both career and family) and just move to a totally unfamiliar place to start all over again. Not only are we starting all over again, we have a very high risk of RETURNING to Malaysia WITHOUT anything, again, to build everything up again from scratch. Not only do we face the risk of being rejected at the custom (because of various reasons), we may not even find a job to support ourselves and will have to return back with even LESS money that we started of. Yes, the only support we have is the fact that Des’ sister in law is there. But that won’t do much because she is a single working lady herself who have her own life.

How much does it cost us to relocate? Easily 40k. O_o

Now, I’m not going to continue to talk about the money issue, lest someone from the embassy decides to chance upon this blog and decides to reject our entry. But you do your own calculation as to how much it will come to make the trip worth while.

I guess, to a certain extend, I will admit that indeed the trip gave me an outlet to escape from many aspect of my life right now. Below are just a few items that I could easily pluck from my head:

- to quit my job and stop doing something that I don’t believe in.
- to stop working for a person who called me a “prostitute” and to gain my dignity back.
- to avoid moving back to KL on a permanent basis.

And of course, I admit that without the trip, the plans would never get a kickstart and will never be escalated to where it is right now and I’ll never be scheduled to be married in Feb. I did ask him before, if without the trip, the possibility of us getting married this year. He did give me a positive answer, but yet I find it hard to believe.

Now why am I writing a post down as if I’m trying to reassure myself when I’ve done it before already?

I don’t know.

Open Letter

To you,

Now OF COURSE I know you read my blog. In fact, that was the reason why I was posting up all these encrypted messages hoping that you’ll get it and leave me alone!

But, sigh, looks like you didn’t.

Seriously, if you have taken a moment to reflect on the whole story, you would have realized what when wrong. Worst, you not only do not get it, you’re doing the EXACT same thing that you did to me to OTHER PEOPLE! Walau, talk about history repeating itself.

What has happened, has happened. Get over it and move on. It has left a scar on all of us (not to mentioned I didn’t even do ANYTHING to deserve it). Now, when I say move on, I don’t mean forgetting about the scar and lets all live happily ever after as it it never happened.

No.

Happily ever after don’t exist.

So please, its bad enough already that we’re not in talking terms, don’t kacau the rest as well! Please, I beg you, leave the rest alone. Don’t turn them into innocent victims that I once fell for. I know they mean well and only want to help, but what they didn’t know is the extend of what you’re capable of doing. The exact thing that you did to me.

There is a fine line between talking to friends to empathize and cheer you up, and talking to friends to drag them along into the depths of your problems.

P/S: Don’t you dare launch into another one of those “I-don’t-mean-it-that-way-and-I-just-wants-things-to-be-better” cries cause both of us know that we’ve heard enough of it. It happened more than 2 years ago (not 6 months ago) remember?

P/S/S: And you (the other person who is involved in this), how I wish you were reading this also. You have taken the easy way out by choosing to eliminate contact with both of us. I’m, on the other hand, STILL being bothered by this issue months later until now. Sigh. Yes, I know, I am serving my sentence of my wrong doings *roll eyes*. Wanted to share a good news with you, but has no means to find you. But then again, it’s not like either one of us cared anyway. Not after what happened. Oh well, I’m sure you’re having a happy life and I know I will too.

Have a great life everyone!

P/S/S/S: Oh yea, and don’t be so perasan. Though most of the hidden messages are about you, not ALL of it is about you!

Itu Kamu - Estranged

Lyrics

MAHAKARYA CINTA - FAIZAL TAHIR

Lyrics

19/01/2008

I think we should meet up before you fly to London.

I don’t think so.

11/01/2008

Eleven days into 2008, I admit that I still cannot be 100% sure that we've made the right decision.

Past four days in KL has been probably the most "productive" offdays ever.

We've submitted the application and has fixed a date to ROM on the 26th Feb.
We've managed to pull and survive the first official dinner with both our family.
I've started to announce the news of the ROM and the trip to friends.
Went to the British High Comm and but only made it to the compound, not the building.
Changed the phone batteries.

I still have to buy my camera batteries, settled my insurance bills, suspend phoneline, stock up on toiletries, and of course, how can I forget, move back down kl.

I'm still struggling back and forth on our decision, one minute feeling all good that we've made the right choice, the other minute fearing we've gone out of our mind.

Oh well, the decision has been made, and it is just typical me to entertain doubts.

I just have to keep reminding myself of these key words - "BSC", "Prostitute", "26th Feb", "London".

Yup, I feel a lot better now...

P/S: Selamat Hari Jadi, 25 sen!

Dell vs Asus

We are arguing.

Big vs Super Small
Normal vs Portable
Heavy vs Very Light
High end vs Super Cheap
Black vs Wonderful White
Boring vs Damn Canggih!

Yet, I'm fighting a losing battle here... ;-(

Please contribute to the Feed-the-poor-couple-Fund.

5th January 2008

Today is Saturday, 5th January.

Six years ago, it was Saturday, 5th January.

For the first time in six years, I feel that I am ready to let go.

I had wanted ink myself in memory of that date last year, but I’ve never gotten around doing it.

But for the past month, I’m even more determined.

Perhaps its because when I feel that I am ready to put it behind me, I am even more determine to put a mark on myself.

Why?

Is it because I fear that I will forget?

04/01/2008

“Its just bad timing that you’re leaving. We wanted to transfer you up here…”

On the contrary, the timing couldn’t have been better! Phew!

02/01/2008

Yep,

1) We have handed in our resignation
2) We are leaving the hill right before CNY
3) We have to prepare to move back down KL
4) We are spending CNY in KL (and the whole month of Feb)
5) We are flying off on the 2nd March
6) I’m now engaged :-)
7) We are planning to register in Feb
8) We are only going to do the whole ceremony thing after the trip
9) We have a long list of things to prepare
10) 2008 is here!

The Interview - Great Big Plan

512: Good morning and thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Me: Hello and its my pleasure to be here.

512: Hope you’re very well, though you look slightly under the weather there.
Me: Yea, been having this flu for a couple of days now.

512: Alrighty then. Now, you know that you’ve been invited to this interview to explain this “Great Big Plan” that you’ve been mentioning a lot in your blog.
Me: Yea, yea, the “Great Big Plan”.

512: Would you mind giving us a brief explaination of what it is?
Me: The “Great Big Plan”, otherwise known as the GBP is something that Des and I are planning to do for the year 2008. It is a working holiday visa to UK that Des and I applied sometime mid Dec. It’s a two year visa with a max of a one year working visa.

512: UK? You mean the United Kingdom?
Me: That’s right!

512: Wow! What is going to happen next?
Me: Well, tentatively, we’ve booked flights to fly to London on the 2nd March 2008. That’s where we will be going since Des’s sister in law is currently working there.

512: That’s about two months away! Why the sudden urge to move?
Me: Well, Des and I had just finished serving our service bond with our current company for three years now back in Nov 2007. It’s a bond, not a contract, so we still can keep our job. Problem is, after three years being up the hill, we were making plans to come back down KL. Frankly speaking, the prospect weren’t that great either. And at that time, a couple of our friends were already on the visa and in UK, so that’s where we got the information and the prospect looked good. And so we applied for the visa and with fingers crossed, we got it!

512: That’s great! What are the processes that you need to do to prepare for the visa application?
Me: Well, it is quite a straightforward application, considering the amount of information available over the internet. The visa application alone cost us RM1440 EACH! But thank God we got it, so it wasn’t money wasted!

512: Good for you. I’d figured it must be nerve wreaking waiting for the results?
Me: Exactly! In fact, I think I drove Des up the wall with my antics. And I remember going around telling everyone that I’m gonna commit suicide if I don’t get it. But luckily everything went smoothly. We don’t even have to attend an interview with them!

512: How is everyone in your family taking the news?
Me: Well, basically, it did come off as a surprised to them. Afterall, I’ve been telling them initially that we had planned to move back to KL and then suddenly hears me say about the London plan. I guess at certain points they are sad, afterall, I’ve not been home for the past three years, but I figured it’ll be just an extended holidaymoon I guess.

512: Oh, does that means you’re getting married?
Me: Hopefully! *wink* well, we plan to register our marriage before we fly in March. No dates has yet to be set, cause I’m still waiting for him to propose! Hahaha!

512: Congratulations then! How about your current job?
Me: Well, I would have to tender my resignation soon. I am sad to leave the company, considering the opportunities that I had with it and the learning curve that I’ve experienced. I credit the person that I am today to the company, as I believe I will leave the company a better and far more matured person that I first am the day I started working.

512: So what will happen from today onwards?
Me: Well, it is of course to prepare to move back down to KL first. Certainly, dreading the move cause there’s quite a bit of stuff that we accumulated from the three years uphill!

We planned to be back by Chinese New Year, as Des hasn’t been able to celebrate CNY properly ever since working uphill. That’s what happens when you work in the service industry I guess.

512: What will happen after you’re there in London?
Me: We’ll need to figure out our accommodation in London and also to look for jobs as well. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to afford anything!

512: What will happen AFTER the visa expires?
Me: Well, the visa only allows us to work for a maximum of 12 months. God willing, we may do a bit of traveling there. Of course, once the money ran out or the visa expires in two years time, whichever comes first, haha, we’ll be back in KL hopefully to prepare for our wedding ceremony and to settled down to start a family *wink*.

512: Anything else that you need to prepare?
Me: Well, certainly there’s a long list of shopping list! Hahaha I’ve brought two jackets so far, much to Des’s chagrin. Planning to get my passport renewed, buy charger and batteries for my camera, send my obsolete handphone to repair, and say my goodbyes to my friends!

512: Well, thank you very much for spending time with us for this interview. I’m sure this will shed light to the readers on what this “Great Big Plan” is all about. Any last words?
Me: Thank YOU for having me here. It is my pleasure to talk to you. If any of you had contacts in London or in UK, please extend us the contact so that we could have someone to ask in terms on how to go about and where to eat while in London! *wink*

I've Packed!

Yeap, one whole suitcase of clothes.

Nope, this is not for travelling purpose. This is just the clothes that I've taken out to clear my wardrobe.

For about two seconds, it did cross my mind to put it up online to sell it since its the popular trend now. But its too much a hassle, and if the clothes doesnt look good on me, changes are it wont look good enough on anyone to buy it.

These clothes are pretty old, the newer ones are uphill. I noticed though, that although the majority of the clothes are a few years old, I like looking at it. But I dont wear it. Funny eh? Perhaps that's why I've been keeping it for years and never gotten around throwing it out.

I'm just packing it up nicely to donate it away. I need all the good karma I can get for 2008.

:-)

2008 Resolutions

Okay. Lets do some last few post of the year before 2008 comes.

2007 went by relatively alright, and it think it wheezes me pas by. Lots of stuff happened this year, but it went by so quickly that I was caught thinking, "What happened in 2007?" before the "Oh yea, this happened" and "Oh yea, that happened"came into my mind.

Yes, lots of things happened in 2007, but nothing quite life changing.

2008, on the other hand, would be a completely different story. I hope I wont jinx anything by putting up the list below:

For 2008, I look forward to:
1) groceries shop in the local neighbourhood
2) cook on a regular basis
3) hunt down chinese cooking stuff in Chinatown
4) walk down the street and feel like a holiday
5) sitt at a park and realize "Hey, I'm here!"
6) lose weight
7) watch local tv
8) resurrectmy camera and take pictures
9) discover local shops
10) buy gossip magazines at their original price
11) stay on our own (again!)
12) shop for clothes and sigh, "They dont have my size. These are too large."
13) shop for clothes and ask, "Do you have these in the smallest size?"
14) reduce the size of my pride
15) be a better person

More than anything, 2007 has turned me into a person I myself loathed. The two good thing that came out of it is that I've seemed to lose my stage fright and I am able to give out presentation better.

Other than that, I am generally an angrier person, with shorter fuser, being more arrogant and prouder than I should be. If I myself do not like the changes, what more could I say for others?

I regret the fact that Des has taken a whole of the ugly me this year. And I hope I could change for the better.

I know I could.

Because I am leaving the source of this ugliness of me behind.

Happy New Year everyone!

Sudden fear

Suddenly, it all looks so scary...

Obviously we overlook a lot of other things, one being monetary. We have now the very minimum amount put aside, but we have absolutely nothing left for the other stuff. Such as buying toiletries, fixing up things, bills to settle.

Nothing.

Job prospect is hanging at the moment and accomodation is still a huge issue. My plans to pay my bills in advance looks bleak. Heck, I dont even KNOW what I'll survive on next month!

Not only we've leaving everything behind for a road of uncertainties, I'm afraid that we wont have enough to SETTLE everything before we could move on.

Without settling the past, we will have no choice but to drag it along into the future. And what future do we have if we've bogged down by the past???

Des and many people says that I worry too much. But if you see what I see, wont you too???

Have we made a wrong choice?

I think it has come to a point where we'd rather risk and travel the road of uncertainties than to walk the road of insecurities. Afterall, even if we didnt make it, we'll still be back in the road of insecurities, the ORIGINAL road that we're destine to take. Nothing to lose right? We're young, and we both know very well that if we dont take this opportunity now, we'll never go about doing it.

At the very least, we'll still have each other.

So far, responses has been very good and everyone was very supportive so far, regardless whether its real or not. Except for one particular incident, but I will brush it aside because I dont think a person who left his own family to tend for themselves while he went to another country to work has the right to tell ME not to leave mine.

I always believe that there is an expensive way to do things, and also the less expensive way to do things. And I still hold on to what she said, that life has a funny way to help us to survive. I certainly hope so.

Des mentioned that he read somewhere 2008 is good for travelling for us this year. An indication of good things to come?

Perhaps.

Perhaps, I do worry too much. Worst come to worst, we could always walk back to where we came from. A high price to pay, but I've yet to hear stories about people needing to walk back. Besides, arrogance will not get us anywhere.

Well, at the very least, we could tell people that we've been there, done that. We may need to start from scratch, and our family may never be as comfortable as our parents, but I think we can make it happen.

Yes, I think we've made the right choice.

28/12/07

I’m sick.

For the longest time, I am usually not sick.

Not to boast or anything, the only time I remember being very sick is when I was young when I had my measles and when I’m in Form 2 when I had my chicken pox.

Compared to my brother, I’m apparently the healthier one, according to my mother anyway. Since then, I’m rarely in and out of the doctor’s office.

Usually whenever I’m feeling under the weather, I’ll just pop 1 and half biji of my trusted Panadol 650. While thinking, “I’ll go to the doctors tomorrow”, after a rest, I’m usually better.

The only other time that I remember being sick was a few years back during a short trip to Penang. I was having a fever, and true to its words (the instructions was to take Panadol every four hours), my fever subside everytime I eat it and came back on the dot four hours later. It refused to break even after two days. Needless to say, it wasn’t one of the best trip that I had.

Anyway, finally went to the doctor today and got an MC. Not that I’m proud of it, but it was a much needed rest as I’ve been up and down the hill a lot this month. Funny thing is its not like I’m rarely out of the hill a lot. Oh well…

Oh, and did I mention that I have a very bad lower back right now? It all started months ago after we moved into our new room and started sleeping in the “new” mattress.

No offence, but I strongly feel that there were planks of wood inserted into the mattress. There’s a line between firm and hard.

Anyway, I’m due back to the office tomorrow. But since tomorrow is my last day (a jargon we used to say that its our last day of working following a series of offdays), I’m looking forward to go back down for the weekend. I’ll be up on New Year’s eve for the fireworks though.

Watch out for "The Interview - Great Big Plan" post coming up in January 2008!

Funny Ankle

I have a funny ankle.

Long long time ago, I've twisted BOTH my ankle. Once during a rainy day from school, and another while jumping down the stairs. Both has since healed, though one of them cause a hairline crack near the toes but nothing life threatening.

And now, I think I've twisted it again some time back, a couple of months ago. But then, I walked away fine.

But that is when the problem begins.

Since a few months ago, my right ankle hurts.

Problem is, it only hurts when i'm NOT putting pressure on it. The moment I'm walking, the pain goes away and I forgot all about it.

I go to work in heels. Fine.
I run around in the office in heels. Fine.
I go shopping for endless hours. Fine.

But when I STOP walking and is seated down, that is there the ankle hurts,.

It hurts the exact same way like you're putting pressure on a twisted ankle. But I'm not even standing!

On the outside, it looked fine. It wasnt swollen or anything. But its a very nagging paid, and I cant really pin point exactly where. It sometimes feels like the skin has been scrapped off, but there's no wound. The ankle bone (?) hurts but I wasnt putting any pressure.

No amount of twisting help ease the pain.

This is the same set of feet that hurts whenever I walked around in sandals for too long but I'm able to prance around the office in 4-inch heels.

Die.

Help, anyone?

P/S: Btw, I think I'm having problem with the chatbox. Its stuck and it wont load new messages. !@#$%

Shopping List vs. To-do List

Lets make a shopping list, shall we?

1) A jacket – Not needed as I just brought a new one and I can still use the old ones
2) Jeans – Not needed as I still have three pairs of wearable jeans
3) Camera – Not needed as I could still use my old one
4) Shoes – Not needed as I just bought a new pair (I'm slightly regretting its design & colour)
5) Bags – Not needed as Peggy said she had just what I wanted
6) Cosmetics – Not needed as I still have many
7) Toiletries – Need but I don’t have the money yet
8) Laptop – Need but I don’t have the money yet
9) Books – Not needed as I haven’t finished what I bought
10) Scarfs – Not needed as I have many that I don’t even use anyway

So what is there left to shop for anyway???

What I REALLY NEED to do is

1) Change my obsolete handphone's battery
2) Buy new Canon rechargeable AA batteries & charger
3) Write a cheque to Des's father
4) Clean my wardrobe
5) NOT go for window shopping (cause its pointless to see without being able to afford anything at all!)

Oh well, Merry Christmas everyone...

Lost and Found

23rd December 2008 started off horribly...

I woke up at noon today, and laze around in bed. I lie in my bed thinking about many things while absentmindedly playing with my ring.

Somehow of rather, it got stuck in my middle finger and after numerous tries, I got up and went to the bathroom to get it out with some soap.

And then, I went BACK to bed and laze around around, STILL playing with my ring. Suprise, suprise, it got stuck again.

I sighed and got up again. The ring came off with the soap and I was washing the soap away from the ring, and the next thing I knew...

IT VANISHED!!!

No OOOPPS, no tingling of sound, no losing grip of the ring. It just DISAPPEARED!

I was too stunned to feel anything, and in daze I drop to my knees and unscrew the cup-like thing underneath the sink. I took it out, saw the brown sludge (thank god there's no smell!) but no ring.

I calmly screwed back the cup and got out of the room. Went downstairs and asked my dad, "If I drop my ring at the bathroom and its no longer at the sink, it should be behind the house right?" So we went out the house and looked at the drain.

No ring.

I took a deep breath and said, its okay.

Went back to my room, sms Des and he called soon after. The moment I answered the phone, I started bawling my eyes out.

Throughout the day, I was on the brink of tears. Though I was totally calm whenever I NOT think about it, the moment I remembered and the word "ring" is dicussed, I see myself holding back sobs. I was practically sobbing through my lunch in front of the TV.

We're having a Xmas party in the evening and a whole lot of relatives has been invited. To cut a long story short, a relative arrived early and help looked for the ring.

Obviously, the ring has since been found (thank god!) but the sobs has yet to fully subsided.

Needless to say, I was very glad for the ring to be found yet very puzzled at why I feel such emotions.

When my dad found out that it was just a normal ring and not an engagement ring that my mum has told him (I still have no idea why she said so), naturally it breaks me down to sobs again. I'm not sure why, but I think its the very fact that it is NOT an engagement ring that saddens me the most. Not only I do not have an engagement ring, I've lost the ONLY ring that I have.

Well, not the only ONLY ring, but rather, the only ONE ring that I have out of the relationship right now. Okay, there were a few more previously, but that's another story. I loved this ring more than the others because this one looks better than the plain old silver ones that faded with time. For those of you who've seen it, its a chunky stainless steel ring. Yes, the same material that is used to make poster stand and many more other things.

Though the fact that it may be only steel, I've never once bothered by the fact that its not made of precious materials. If it has mattered, things would have been different.

This ring is special. It is a set. His looks exactly the same. And it is chunky enough for his finger. Do you know, that my ring (despite its chunky design) fits perfectly into his ring? Meaning mine is small enough to fit into the diameter of HIS ring. And the best part is that it WASNT even the ORIGINAL SET that we first got! The first similar set we got fell apart, both mine and his ring fell apart, so we have to exchanged for a different set.

The point is, there is no secret that I wanted to be married. Though I will not divulge what our plans are (yes we do have plans), the ring marks the promise that we've given to each other so far. He has lost his ring a long time before and we've since purchased a few more sets, but this one is different.

Yes, we could always have bought another one, but at that particular time, I feel absolutely lost. Losing the ring, makes me feel not only am I not married, I am losing the one thing that I have at being PROMISED of getting married.

Sorry, I'm not the type who ask for expensive ring, nor we could afford one. But I believe he loves me no less than your partner who loves you just the same.

But then again, you may say I'm stupid cause I only refer a ring as a promise of marriage and not the relationship itself. Well, its a representation and you can think what you want (cause you dont know the story and its complicated and blah blah blah...)

Anyway, I've got my ring back. But my emotions are still unstable. And I believe it will continue to remain so until next year.

Because the thought of not having my ring back again, opens up a whole lot of bottled up emotions.

I'm (not) Married!

It has been some time since I wrote.

Well, because things has been going crazy. The Great Big Plan (GBP) and all.

I've been in and out of office this month and I've even managed to squeeze in a short first trip to Kuching! I've been MIA the most this month and its been a few too many times of setting up "Out of Office" emails.

Life is absolutely tiring right now. I drove Des up the wall and I nearly jumped and commit suicide from the GBP. The self induce stress was too much to take and I swear I almost lost it. There's still a couple of things to sort out before I can officially announce what it is. Great, MORE stress.

However, sadly, for the umpteenth time, I am not married.

Imagine my pain when someone played a cruel joke on my friend (at my expense of course) and she called me up to congratulate me while practicalling yelling on the phone asking how come I didnt announce the "good news" to them.

Anyway, with that out, I'm back home for Christmas break. It wasnt a long deserving break, since I've have had two 4-day break for the past two weeks. Do your calculation. On average, I'm only in the office for half a month. Not something to complain about, but frankly speaking, I am tired from the numerous trips.

Christmas is around the corner, and I've never been this broke. Well, there is this one time back in Uni when I only have 20 dollars for more than a week before flying home. Though I'm broke, I've no idea how I could have arranged myself TWO shopping trips over the weekend. Damn.

All I can say is that December has been and will continue to be one heck of a long and busy month...

15/12/2007

I’m back, as promised one month ago.

The good news is that I don’t need to commit suicide.

The bad news is that I now have a whole lot of new problems and issues to settle.

NOT COMPLAINING!! :-)

17/11/2007

Feeling very blah at the moment.

Wanted to write about Ms Lo, wanted to talk about my love-hate relationship with books, wanted to vent my frustration about work, wanted to create a metaphor about life, but something held me back.

The Great Big Plan seems to make all these issues pale in comparison with it.

No doubt, as the date draws near, I'm FOREVER reminded about it. Its time to get things started. There's a long list of things to do to make it happen. And its finally time to start striking off items from the to-do-list.

Think I'll stop writing until it happened. No doubt, writing about it is a sure fire way of jinx-ing it. Hence, I've decided to stop talking about it (already there are people asking me about it!) and hopefully my abstinence from blogging will show GOD that I'm 101% committed to it and hopefully he'll grant me the wish.

While I'm on strike, keep reading my Quickies and Twitter, cause that's probably where I'll be updating from now.

Will be back in a month.

P/S: If it doesnt happen, there will be no more updates and this place will die its natural death. Why? Cause I mentioned earlier on that I'll be dead from committing suicide with the eggshells of non-existant chickens, remember???

17/11/2007

I'm exhausted.

I've just finished a marathon of books (Michael J Fox, Angelina Jolie, Trudy Baker and Charlie Daniels) in less than a week.

The curse of the books. I remembered why I stopped reading now.

13/11/2007

Okay, I've finally succumbed into pressure and put up a chat box at the side.

Damn malu-fying if the chat box is empty! So, we'll see how long I'll put up with the embarassment.

Go, please say something there so that it wont look so bloody pathetic.

Most probably I'll end up using it as a quick way for updates when I dont have time to type long entries or too malas to scroll around my phone to update Twitter instead. Trust me, its more dangerous for me to SMS than to drive while talking on my phone.

So, we'll see how this chat box this last...

The Gardens, Mid Valley City

Who would have thought a day would come when I am lost in Midvalley???

Well, in this case, its The Gardens, Mid Valley City.

It all started when Ultimate calls me up to ask whether I'm coming to my last touch-up appointment for my eyebrow today afternoon. I've earlier booked an appointment with them at 1pm, but when I woke up at 1230pm, I decided that I'm too lazy to go. But they persisted, and called up me again around 150pm to ask whether I'm showing up. I sighed, and said that I'll be there at 4pm.

So, I dragged my sorry ass out from the couch to shower, dressed and drove off to Midvalley. Now, everyone knows that if you were to drive to Midvalley on a Sunday afternoon, you'll have to be prepared to spend at least half an hour in Midvalley LOOKING for a carpark spot. So, usually I'd go very early in the morning, say before 11am to secure a spot or I just dont go.

And so, with a sigh, I drove into its carpark and round and round I drove. I usually park around the same area, but knowing that it would be difficult to find parking space, I decided to venture out from my usual "spot" and turn off to another parking area. As expected, after a half and hour drive, I managed to find a parking spot. I went out of the car and for the first time thinking, "???, where is the entrance???"

I walked for a bit and found a escalator. "This place is new, I thought" and was soon greeted by an unfamiliar sight of the shopping mall. Soon enough I realized it was the new wing of the very much anticipated shopping mall next to MidValley. I really was taken aback because then I realized, "I havent been to MidValley this long meh?" I was quite lost for a few moments, not knowing whether which direction to go. One look up the posh building and its warm lightings gave me the impression that it was a high-end shopping mall and its too posh for me, and decided to find my way back to MidValley.

So, yeap, that was my brush with The Gardens. Sorry, I'm just cheap and do not see the point of buying a RM200 t-shirt to wear to mamak even though the material is so good to last me years and years to come. I cannot afford it :( Nevermind, once the Great Big Plan is in place, I'll be able to afford all these luxuries, I hope!

I mean, Wander if that place would turn out to be a similar version of Sg Wang & Lot 10? One cheap, the other expensive (yea, I know Lot 10 now drop standard already, but remember its status when it first opened?).

Yes, Coach bags are nice, but you certainly don't go there every month to pick up a bag do you? And if I'm rich and famous and SPECIAL, do I want to be there knowing that the ordinary and normal "civilians" are there SHARING the same carpark with me? Oh wait, they would probably be using Valet service.

Just talking crap, I know :P

A glass of Kahlua?

"I’ve forgotten how much I enjoyed a glass of Kahlua...”

Few years ago, way back in Uni, when I fresh into my new semester in another place. New place, new weather, new found freedom, new friends, new everything. Culture shock? Right on the dot.

And I reached for the one thing that is all too familiar. Ironically, he is the one who introduced me to it.

Years before Uni, I drank myself drunk for the first time and ended up vomiting all over myself in his best friend’s house. Not a pretty sight, I tell you. And since then, whenever I visited the best friend’s house, the joke is to “roll up the carpet cause she’s here!”

As humiliating as it is, I swear to myself since that I will get myself that drunk ever again (of course, an easy way to ensure that is to make sure he is never to be far away from me for a long time, but that’s another story).

And so, I flew to my Uni armed with recipies of my favourite mixes.

Its so easy and affordable. JD was cheap, I had my partime job and Coke were on promotion every other week.

First it was the small bottles, then I upgraded into medium ones because it was kinda tiring to go back and forth to the shops regularly. Soon, my room was nicely decorated with empty bottles along the window. A very nice deco, I remember thinking. Bear in mind, I hardly ever go out to party that time. I miss his very much. I’ve forgotten how to go out and meet friends. But then again, those of you who know me, its not like I went out a lot before that anyway.

So, I was kinda happy doing my own thing and having a drink during late night studies with my cheap radiator on to combat the winter. It wasn’t exactly your normal “a cuppa hot milk” right before sleep. The only time when I enjoyed milk would be with Kahlua. During that time, I’ve probably had more milk that I ever had during my Uni days. Obviously, it wasn’t for the kalsium factor. And it doesn’t help either with the fact that Coke was practically on “sale” every week, the perfect mix item.

As mentioned before, I’m pretty much very loyal when it comes to branding. The type of drinks I had varied between a few types only, probably because I’m not too adventurous and I know what I like.

Very soon, I find myself fixing a drink more often than I would like to. I’ll have one when I’m back from Uni. I’ll have one during dinner. I’ll another one while watching tv. And I’ll have a few more later in the night.

And then, one night I had too many a drink. Its stupid, now that I think of it. There was no one around (I had a housemate) and I was just enjoying my drinks as usual while onlining (studying? You’ve got to be kidding me). One drink after another, I find myself pouring lesser of the mix and more of the good stuff. I knew I had too much, but it seems such a waste to pour it away. Hey, hard earned money ok? (Yea yea, I was also pretty much living off my parents that time too, but I still had a partime job).

And so, back to that night, I soon find myself lying down on my mattress breathing in and out slowly. Why? Because I had too much a drink and was on a verge to throw up. Obviously, the last thing I want to do is to throw up in the apartment. And so, I fell asleep, remembering that the last thoughts I had was something about asking God to “please just help me to keep this down, I don’t wanna throw up…”.

I woke up next morning to my alarm at 10am, for my first class at 11am. When I woke up, I felt the room spinning. I didn’t have a headache, nor did I feel the urge to vomit anymore. I just feel really pening-y and that’s the first time I truly understand what it felt like when they says “that the room is spinning”. I tried to stand up and could barely made it out of my room before I collapse on the floor again, trying to keep still. “Dumb, I got drunk while on my own...”. Ten minutes later, the room is still spinning, and I decided to skip class for the day.

Late afternoon, I felt much better. And that is when Des told me JD’s hangover is like that. No headache, but a horrible spin.

And that is when I swear that I’ll never drink again when he is not around. First, its because I don’t trust myself drinking WITHOUT him watching my back, and second, I didn’t trust myself just DRINKING (alone) without him watching my back.

I’ve never thought of myself as an alcoholic. In fact, I hardly went clubbing, and would very much preferred to get together in a friend’s place over bbq and drinks. And I had made myself promised not to get myself drunk while on my OWN anymore.

Many years fast forward, I find myself looking through a selection of alchohol on my trip back from Chiang Mai. My eyes rested on a large bottle of Kahlua, and messed up from work and family, I picked up the bottle.

Now, in my cold room with the heater on with a glass of Kahlua on the rocks, the settings are all too familiar.

My eyes settled on the bottle of Kahlua that is now three quarter empty…

Wishlist

Sometime back last year, I wrote about my dream wedding dress, the GUESS shoes to go with it, and a ridiculously expensive I-dont-need-this laptop.

Well, its almost a year later, and guess what? I STILL dont own any of the above three items. No suprises eh? I used up all my bonus then to cover my credit card bills and promised myself that I'll clear it every month. And I've honoured that promise until now!

About 2-3 weeks ago, Des and I made a quick trip down town to Petaling Street for dinner. And while walking around the stalls and shops, I chance upon my dream wedding dress!

No, no pictures because the dress was a dissapointment. Well, for one, they had it in PINK laces, and not GOLD like the one I wanted. Now, unlike many other ladies out there, I'm not very good with pink. Dont get me wrong, I do have a couple of pink t-shirts, but I wont go around making sure everything I own is in that colour. So, my utmost respect to those of you who does and I here admit my unlady-likeness for my un-preference for pink.

Anyway, I've decided to just try it out for the heck of it. Just to fullfill my dying wish :P And suprise, suprise, it was a letdown. For a start, the dress is two sizes too large. Its XL, and it doesnt have a proper corset sewn in. The two pathetic foam cup barely provide any support and the dress is too long. The only silver lining of that dress is that it cost about less than RM200.

To tell you the truth, for the minute second, I was thinking of buying-it-and-perhaps-alter-the-size-and-sew-in-a-corset-with-bust-support-and-get-it-dry-clean-and-pull-out-the-pink-lace-that-I-hate-and-sew-back-gold-laces-in-and-wear-four-inch-heels-to-make-up-for-the-dress-length-which-I-had-no-problem-with-cause-I-am-practically-born-in-high-heels-anyway.

Obviously it was too much a hasle.

But I STILL like the dress. Luckily the dress was too large. Otherwise, I really thought that I could have purchased it...

Now, the second item on that list was a gold GUESS pump shoes.

I've found out that the pump shoes' name is Carrie. They have a few colours, and I particularly like the gold ones (to match with the dress mah).

Along the year, I've ventured into Guess shop only a few times, and though I've never given a second glance with its clothes and bags, I always find myself wandering to the shoes section and absent mindedly lifting the pump shoes to remind my of the price to pay. A whopping RM400.

Now, I knew if I bought that pair of shoes, I'll wear it on a daily basis. No, I'm not like you who save expensive items for special occasions, and yes, I prance around the office in my black 4-inch heels everyday. I couldnt bring myself to spend so much for a pair of shoes, let alone a GOLD pair which is too fanciful for daily office wear.

And so, I settled for cheaper ones. A pair of black ones that I'm wearing now cost about RM80 (that's 1/5 of the original price!) from a nearby shopping mall, and I am very proud of it since. It has served me very well, and I must say that it is actually more comfortable compared to some of my lower heeled shoes. And I always feel extra confident when I wear those shoes. I also own another similar pair that is in silvery shade.

"What if you fall?" I get that ALL the time. I also get "Its bad for your back", "I dont know how she walks in those heels", etc. Well, if I fall and twist my ankle or break my leg, that would mean 14 days of MC and 2 months of hospitalization right? Its either feeling damn sexy or getting two months off work. Either way its good right?

Come to think of it, I think my love for super high heels dates way back to when I was a kid playing with Barbie dolls. I've always love how Barbie's feet arch to fit into her tiny stilettoes and I especially loved her black-heeled-pointy-pumps. Hahaha and that black-heeled-pointy-pumps is what I wore to work everyday!

So, no, I dont own the expensive gold GUESS pump, but I do own many pairs of cheap, high heeled (3 inch, no less!) and pretty pointy pumps!

The last item on the list was a VIAO laptop. Nope. I STILL havent replaced my laptop. In fact, I did a post mortem on it and asked my cousin to removed out the hardrive for me. So, instead of a laptop, I now own a external hardrive. Still looking for a laptop, but not very actively. Found a few similarly sized ones and much cheaper too, but havent found one that would enticed me to sign it off with a credit card.

But one thing for sure, if I AM getting one, you can be sure it would be sleek, small and light in weight!

So there, so much for an update on my Wishlist. What will I do with this year's bonus then? Well, again, looks like the Wishlist has to be shelved for another year, because bonus has been put aside to make the Great Big Plan come true (no, I'm not getting married, how many times must I say that to myself? sigh...).

Yes, that is how much hope I am putting into the Great Big Plan. If my chickens does not hatch, I'll slash my wrist with the eggshell and bleed to death. Deal?

31/10/2007

And today marks the end of our three year bond in this place. I couldn’t possibly not write about this significant day…

Three years ago I was feeling suffocated from the repetitive job that I have in a call centre. I was actively seeking a job when I heard about this place. I applied for the job, and having further details and prospect of this place, I persuaded Des to apply as well, knowing very well that if he gets the job and I don’t, I would be crushed.

My worst fear nearly came through. Des got the call for an interview, while I waited and basically gave his a very difficult time for three weeks. My insecurity fall through and I was a wreak for three weeks.

Of course, three weeks later, I got the call. Armed with details of the assessment centre, we went through the interviews and various stages of selection. I still remember how funny I felt when we both were up there spending a night just before the interview the next day. That was my last memory of being a customer in this place.

The interview went well, though I remember how bad my knee shake during the interview. It was fun but stressful. Well, more stressful for me because I knew I had to work harder to earn a spot compared to him. This experience is very personal to me when it turns out, a year later, I would be on the other side of the experience, when I was ropped in to assist in running the assessment.

Think about a week later or so, I don’t remember how many days later, we both got the calls of job offer. I do remember, however, remember the exact location in which we were in. We were in Connaught pasarmalam, sitting at a stall near a bank, having dinner. It was still bright, so it must be six something by then. Des phone rang first. It was his mum. Through his conversation I heard, his mum called to tell him that someone from the company called to inform of job offer. While listening tentatively to his conversation, my phone rang…

Yup, it was them calling me about the job offer! After having all the details down, I casually ask her, “By the way, did you just call another candidate named Desmond to inform him about the job as well?”. She answered yes and I could imagine her surprise when I said, “Hold on, he’s with me right now, you could speak to him”! (By the way, the girl who call us is now my colleague :P).

And so, we made preparation to move up. I told my parents about my decision, and though I knew they didn’t want me to go, I had to. Des was going up and there’s no way I want to be left here. So, does this means I only took this job because Des got it? No, I took this job because I was looking forward to be with him. So, yea, I took this job because of him. And of course, at the back of my head, I knew things would be better at home with me away from it…

And so, we were given the opportunity to undergo training in various department. I remember a colleague of mine, after more than a year later after we first met, mention how she finds it odd that she noticed me and Des on our first day of work, being so close to each other. She told me that at one point of time, when we were sitting around waiting for something, she caught me playing with Des’s hair and wandered why we were so close on our first day or work!

Anyway, along the years I’ve mentioned and shared a few experience of mine, few including my room, the RM38 million ringgit, and most is about my frustration at work. Think I’ve started blogging in Friendsters after half a year working here. And this place has inspired to write my thoughts down, and had given me a place to channel my thoughts down properly. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful of the experience that I had in this place. I agree if you would to say any other company would have such politics and complication. I am fully aware that if not for this place, I would not be the outspoken person that I am today. The opportunities that I had, I could not thank this place enough, and I would not cease to give credit to this place, even after I am long gone from here.

That’s right.

Three years later, I couldn’t believe that I am still writing. Of course, the main inspiration for this place is 512, but I guess it holds a lot of thoughts of me in this place. Match with Julia, it is a perfect combination for me. I never claim to be fantastic writer, nor do I have enough hits for me to have a nuffnang account (pathetic right?), but I found a way for me to keep sane.

Eh, how come I seems to be writing about 512 instead of my three year tribute? Hehehe, sorry, tersasul sikit. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that, I’m a different person after spending three long years here. And its time for me to evaluate whether the change in me is positive or negative, and to evaluate whether I would continue changing to a better or worst person with the influence that this place brings. The Great Big Plan has still yet to be kick start, though the date is drawing near, it gives the excitement and uncertainties that I could hardly contain.

Time will tell…

30/10/2007

A face has been stuck in my mind for the past few days.

I dont know who they reminds me of. I dont know why I am attracted to them. I dont know why I kept thinking about them.

While I was surfing some similar websites that offer the same business as theirs, it suddenly strike me that life IS difficult afterall.

I was half thinking of going back to them to share the experience with Des, and then I found all these similar places as well. I'm confused as I have to remind myself that they are NOT the only ones out there, and possibly, there are others opportunities that offer way better experience.

Knowing me, I tend to stick to what I know, and I rarely venture out to the others.

I dont know whether I should stick to what I know and should just go ahead with them, or perhaps its the feel that I want to meet them again.

Yes, I think that's it.

I miss their company. Which is crazy because I only spend time with them for a few hours and its strictly business.

Gosh, I'm talking as if I'm visiting soon.

Crap.

I'm just talking crap because I'm back to work tomorrow. In less than 6 hours.

Double Crap.

I love Twitter

For those of you who noticed, I used an online application called "Twitter" as a way for me to update my blog regularly.

It works as a sms message, where you're suppose to update/answer a question that the application ask "What are you doing right now?"

Of course, if you've noticed, I didnt really used Twitter as a way to demonstrate the narcissism in me by updating exactly what I'm doing now. Rather, I used it more often than not to update my thoughts in my daily life, and I find it a rather convineant way to log my thoughts down regularly regardless of where I am without the need of an online facility.

I guess I utilized Twitter more towards to "What are you thinking right now?" Its easier to type out my emotions on that particular moment rather than waiting for PC access. Potong steam right? And if you're really that bored, you can click "Follow me" and you'll get instant updates via your phone whenever I send an update to Twitter.

There are, of course, many other similar applications, such as Maxis's Shoutout, but I find Twitter lovelier and of course, malas want to change the application in my template.

Found this piece of article online.

Liked the part where they mentioned "Who really cares?"

Well, in my case, nobody. Cause there's a reason why this blog's links has been kept to the minimum. The whole idea is to let you find me, and not announced my place to everyone else. So that if you dont like it, leave and dont complaint. Otherwise, I would have linked all of you and get a nuffnang account.

Perhaps, if I starts using Twitter as a narcistic tool to tell everyone what exactly I'm doing now, it will be interesting. And I'll flood everyone's Facebook's News feed with my ever-so-often updates.

Hahahah

:-/

Self Absorbed

Self Absorbed

Does things primarily for the benefit of themself, puts their feelings first, can't do anything when they don't feel good, swayed by their emotions, more concerned with themself than others, prefers personal glory over team victories, pleasure seeker, uses their looks to get what they want, gets angry when they don't get what they want, dramatizes their suffering, wealth seeking, superficial, manipulative, narcissistic.

Doesnt everyone?

Those who claim otherwise bores me.

Liar. Naive. Tak pandai jaga sendiri. Tak understand langsung concept tu. Bosannya. Boring le.

Shoo, pergi main jauh-jauh!

:P

29/10/2007

Browsing through some blogs and most were telling stories about their partner and how happy they are.

Hmm, perhaps to lift my mood abit, I should start telling these stories of mine as well?

Been staying home for the two days that I'm back since Chiang Mai. Vegetating in the couch and brainwashing my brain with countless hours of Astro.

Though it is very unlike me, I was slightly looking forward to go back up. ONLY because I've got my own room now. Not that I have anything against my ex-roomie (love you Jen!), but i guess everyone agrees that the current arrangement is far much better than the previous ones. But of course, the fact that I'll be back to work is not something that I look forward to.

Anyway, there's nothing much to report anyway until he jumps back to day shifts. Life sucks up there and I'm not gonna launch into another long rant about that.

And I'm PMS-ing, hence, losing the urge to write. Especially about lovey-dovey stuff.

Just a very quick review on the books that I've read lately.

Simon Cowell is so-so, gives an insight into the entertainment world, but his thoughts about the Pop Idol contestants is a bore since we dont have it here.

Geri Haliwell book is so-so, the most interesting story in the book is the part where she eats out of her rubbish bin, everything else is a a boring flow about her No1# and tours.

I'm mid way through Angelina Jolie and by the tenth page, I'm considering voluntering activities in Africa. Very touching, very real, makes us really grateful and wandering why are we still stuck in our comfort zone and not getting our ass to these wonderful but dangerous places.

I've also started on Michael J Fox's Lucky Man. Very unlike me to start another book while the other is halfway through, but I brought this with me in Chiang Mai and I started reading on the flight back home. And it was good. Very easy to read, flow of story is fantastic, and looking forward to continue reading.

Sometime back, I've also started reading Goldie Hawn, but not very interesting as I stopped halfway and picked up another book instead. Will give it another try once I'm back up and finished with Angelina and Michael.

Would be on the look out for more books soon!

28/10/2007

Wander if I should see the doctor again.

Damn irritating ok. Everytime it is PMS, I feel like bucket filled with water right up to the brim, threatening to spill at any small move. Any small push or even a blow of wind, I'll burst into tears.

Its so obvious to see the mood change. I am in the verge of tears everyday, and I even snapped at my dad during dinner. I'm so so sorry, but then again, he doesnt read this and we're not the type of family that is very close to say this kinda thing anyway. So, I guess I just have to let it pass and hope my mum could talk him out of it.

See, my eyes are tearing again and my nose is pressured.

You might say, "yea lah, blame it on PMS lah. but actually, you're just being difficult".

No lah, the PMS starts on the dot and I blame it all on the medication. During normal times, I'm good at being alone in my place. But during PMS time, I'll burst into tears while in bed and cried myself to sleep. Every night, without fail! For a week exactly!

Damn.

People getting married. Cried.
People's bf proposing. Cried.
Watch tv. Cried.
Watch movie. Cried.
Think about dinner. Cried.
Think about work. Cried.

A sure recipe for tears?

Think about us. Sad face.
Think about 7 yrs. Pain in chest.
Think about promises. Lump in throat.
Think about people getting married. Nose blocked.
Think about stupid people getting married. Nose runny.
Think about people having kids. Eyes watering.
Think about stupid people having kids. Sob.
Think about us. Burst into tears.

!@#$% T.I.U.

Cry lah, cry lah, cry until full lah.

Just leave me alone for this week okay.

Chiang Mai (23-26 Oct 07)

And so, the trip to ChiangMai for 4D3N...


Very early in the morning, Nic came to pick me up and off we go to the LCCT. Unlike my Bangkok trip, the flight was on time and it arrived earlier than expected. ChiangMai was hot, same as Bangkok, slightly less humid.

At the start of the trip, it was clear that it was gonna be a very relaxing trip for the both of us. In fact, it turned into a mini-spa retreat as we went for spa for two days. Though Thai massage was everywhere at minimum cost, we both opted for the high ends ones that cost us an average of RM100 for each hour. Very pricy, in fact, I find it even more expensive compared to KL, but it was good. We went to Imperial Spa, located in the hotel where we stayed in and the Oasis Spa, also around the corner form where we stayed. Spent about a total of 5 hours of spa during our trip, and that left me RM500 poorer.


The above picture pretty much sums it up for Chiang Mai. Shopping in Chiang Mai is, of course, NOTHING compared to Bangkok. It has a lots of cultural stuff, things that we normally see durning a Thai fair in KL. Which left me disappointed of course, but then again, it leaves me the cash to go spa. Otherwise, I think I'll be back totally broke.

I'm beginning to like DIY trips. Booking the flight and accomodations ourselves, and then booking short trips/tours at the hotels. I like the flexibility of the trips and it gives us the decision on places that we WANTED to visit, rather than going to every statues/temples/parks and eating at tourisy restaurant that claim to offer local foods that no locals go to.


Apparently, there were hundreds of Wat (temples) in Chiang Mai alone, and we opted for a half day tour to the biggest and most important temple, Wat Prathat Doi Suthep. It was alright, since we're not a big fan of temples and going to see the most important one is good enough of us. Of course, like any other tours, it includes a visit to a nearby hilltribe village to "experience their lifestyle". It should give you a clear indication on how the visit is when the tour guide says "that the villagers now survives mainly on tourism". Yeap, more and more cultural shopping stuff.


The highlight of our trip is a half day cooking lesson that we sign up. It was just the two of us, and for RM60 per person, we were taught to cook local Thai dishes and to savour our dishes. The class was run by a Thai couple and they were very friendly and accomodating. We were taught to cook stir-fry glass noodle, TomYam soup, springroll and desserts. And it was GREAT! Walau eh, with two huge spoonful of oyster sauce, one huge spoonful of fish sauce, salt, soysauce, ANYTHING will taste good ok! Its an easy step-by-step way of cooking, where the chef will let you do the chopping and frying and cooking and boiling, all on your own! You're supposed to cook your own food and then eat it! My, the last time I cook was during my uni days. Not too bad for a person who last held a wok since 4 years ago! Highly recommended for those of you going to Chiang Mai, MUST sign up for cooking class!

Des was so mad when I told him that I went for the cooking class cause he is the one who loves cooking. Hmm, another trip to Chiang Mai again? Hehehe


Then, we opted for another tourisy thing, which is to join a "khatoke" dinner with traditional cultural dance. Cultural dances, hilltribe dances and a mini-version of our chap fan for dinner. Nothing to shout about, but then again, think you should go for once since its around RM30 per person anyway. One of the dancers is truly very beautiful and that is the highlight of the night for me :)

Shopping in Chiang Mai means practicing my bargaining skills. I admit, my skills werent as good few years ago. And normally, I wouldnt go lower than I should if I REALLY liked the item. Cause i couldnt use the "walk away" technique. Bought a few bags, bangles, food and sourvenirs.

My most prized purchase?

Came from a nearby night market, and it is a sign for the toilet.

Bought it for RM27 (bargained from initial RM35.

Felt that it could go lower, but I really liked this.

Hoping it would last a few homes :)

Cute eh?

26/10/2007

Came back from ChiangMai only to find out that my Cameron trip next day has been cancelled.

I was looking forward to it, and it was one of the reason why I was in a better mood when I left ChiangMai because I knew that I'll be jumping right into another holiday once I'm back in KL.

And now, I'm stuck at home for the next three days. Not that I dont like being at home, but you know the feeling when your holiday is cancelled right at the very last minute?

And of course, I've got plans to pick up some stuff while in Cameron. Unfortunately, that doesnt look like its gonna happen.

And it pissed me off.

The same way the hotel reception screwed up our transport arrangement to the spa.

But that's another story. Will post about ChiangMai soon!

22/10/2007

23rd Oct - 26th Oct - Chiang Mai
27th Oct - 29th Oct - Cameron Highlands

Bye!

19/10/2007

The feeling of anger has subsided. And I’m now feeling very depressed instead.

So depressed that I went around with a heavy heart and a dull ache.

I couldn’t function properly. I went around shopping yesterday, hoping to buy something to help me take my mind off the matter.

And despite flashing my credit cards out and wouldn’t have mind spending loads, I couldn’t find anything! I couldn’t find anything worth to buy, couldn’t find the mood to rummage through piles of clothes, couldn’t bear picking up the shoes to try on, couldn’t bear to do anything!

Saw something that would remind me of what could have taken place in two months time, and now it looks like only a dream that will never materialized.

Yesterday I spend most of the time yelling and shouting my voice out to friends to vent out my anger.

Today… Well, I haven’t figured out what to do yet. Since I’ve walked around yesterday, there’s no plan for tonight yet. I couldn’t figured out what to do to vent out this feeling of mind. My karaoke partner has left the company months ago, and since moving to this place, I barely know anyone here to kacau.

There’s Project Runway showing today at 9:30pm, so that should keep me occupied for an hour. And knowing me, most probably I’ll launch myself into a cleaning frenzy and mop the floor and do my laundry.

I actually tried calling to find out why it happened, but unfortunately, I couldn’t get any firm answers.

And that sucks BIG TIME, because I hate not being able to take action on things that I have no control in. I hate waiting and not being able to do anything.

Next week is PMS week. I think I’m in no condition to be even MORE depressed than the state that I am now. I’ve decided that I’m gonna continue with the medication to help me feel better.

Just to save myself from jumping out the building from the 23rd floor.

CRAP.

Fall Out Boy - Me & You

Lyrics

18/10/2007

This morning, I fell apart.

I no longer like my new place. I went around today with a sad tug in my heart and uncertainties.

At by the end of today, I've grown to hate that place.

Its true what I've said along.

That everything they gave you here, it all come with a long list of limitations and a high price to pay.

The price is too high. The tradeoff is not worth it...

17/10/2007

Today's Itinerary:

7:00pm - Wars of In-Laws (Chinese Drama)
8:00pm - Visit colleague's room
9:00pm - Mukhsin
11:00pm - Shower and read
11:45pm - Charm School

:)

Been wanting to watch Mukhsin, and its showing on TV3 tonight!

For those who has not watch, you MUST! You MUST watch all THREE movies; Sepet, Gubra & Mukhsin. You MUST! :)

16/10/2007

Just a quick update. Been very busy last week due to moving room. New hostel up, got selected to move into a very comfortable studio unit with own bathroom, small kitchen and a small living area.

Was complaining a bit initially (as usual, I'm human mah), but now have decided to shut up and enjoy the room instead.

Tired from the move. Was working throughout Raya, and now looking forward to a week's off next week. Will be off to ChiangMai for 4 days, and Cameron for 3 days.

A bit lonely this week, due to Group A leave, but I'll survive. Now that my room is 100% unpacked, it kinda left me slightly restless. Perhaps, this will be a good time to catch up on my suddenly-grown-brand-new collection of autobiographies.

Oh, by the way, the couch is quite comfortable to watch TV with. Tonight's TV guide:
8:30pm - Hell's Kitchen
9:30pm - Ghost Whisperer
10:30pm - Beauty & the Geek
11:30pm - American Idol 6

Who say there's nothing to watch in our local channels???

As usual again, my mind is now occupied with some useless and unimportant matters. Will try to sort things out and see what happens :)

07/10/2007

Bought back three folders of work thinking I could catch up on it during the weekend.

Now on a hot Sunday afternoon, after doing the bare minimum, I think I have enough. Next week is day shift week and I've to move room as well.

Work can wait till next week. Crawling back to my Astro now. It is more important than the prospect of being fired. Bye!

And then there were five...

I was halfway writing a post story-ing about my past relationships and the people who has made an impact in my life when I suddenly realized,...

I have no right to tell "our" story anymore simply because 1) we do not belong together anymore, 2) we've lost contact and 3) most of them are happily attached.

Though we shared memories together, I have no right to shared them anymore because it is in the past and I (if I'm their partner) would be severely offended if previous exs of my partner decides to write and give detail to their previous relationship to all especially when it was donkey years ago.

It is something good that was way past its due date and should be shelf in Julia instead.

Done.

Over You - Chris Daughtry

04/10/07

As per my previous post, I think its obvious that i'm depressed right now. Yes, there are MANY opportunities right now and many people would kill to be in my position.

Think positive, think positive.

Apparently what they say is true...

That I'm just being in the right place at the wrong time...

THE TIMING IS ALL WRONG!!!

Just need to vent out. I'm onlining using my phone again. Dont really care the bills right now.

In fact, I dont really care about anything right now.

Especially you.

Door open?

You know the saying about ”one door close, and many others will open”?

How would you feel if for each door opened, it only came disguise as a trap for you to get further into the maze and making it difficult to come back out?

That’s exactly how I feel right now…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I knew earlier on that my “good news” came disguise as a road to a dead end. Yes, it came as a recognition to my work, but it also turns out to be even more difficult for me to seek other opportunities. There’s an opening for a higher position, but I couldn’t possibly apply for another promotion right after being promoted right? I would love to say “If only I weren’t promoted, I’ll apply for this!” but I couldn’t because I’m already rewarded.

You might say “A bird in hand is better than two in tree”. I guess to some extend its right. But if you keep walking around tree after tree and seeing more and more birds, anyone would be tempted right? Especially when you see others getting more birds as well.

Lesson in life: Keep the bird in a cage and chase for more.

And NEVER opt for the first reward in a bidding game in Survivor. That’s another story, but I just feel like putting it up here.

So, anyway, an “opportunity” showed up at my door today. And the one behind me bang shut, no turning back. Its like walking through a corridor of rooms. Walking through a dormitory, with door after door being opened. Though there are many open doors, each door lead to a room. I now have the choice to choose which door I want to take. Each room is decorated differently, and I just have to choose which door I want to take that leads me to a room. To make this even better, I can walk into each of the rooms to see and look at the decoration before deciding.

Better still, they even say, all the rooms are yours to choose. If you chose a room and after a while, you feel like a chance, you can ALWAYS move into ANOTHER room.

The catch? Well, though each room is beautifully decorated, it is still the SAME room. Get it? Not only it is the same room, it is ONLY a room. And each room is a dead end. Its like choosing which dead end that I want to go.

That’s it.

I’m now right in front of many open doors, but it ALL lead to a dead end. Its just a matter of choosing which dead end I want to go/experience.

What’s the point of changing rooms when it is the SAME DAMN ROOM!?! You’re still stuck in the same floor, same corridor! Yes, of course at the beginning the new rooms would feel very exciting, but if you strip away the deco and fittings, its still the same sized room.

Better still, they claimed that you can move up and get better things. Hence, once in a while, they move you up a few floors, almost as it the higher you stay, the more prestige it become. But then again, you’re still in the same building, moving up floors just to be shown ANOTHER corridor of opened doors leading to the SAME DAMN ROOMS!

What kind of opportunity is this?

I just need to keep thinking positive and remembering that there are many other people dying to move into my room right now... LITERALLY!!