28/02/08

:) I have put up my first post in my picture blog! Go http://www.picturesinthemaking.blogspot.com/ and check it out!

Anyway, I seems to have problems with Blogger.

First, i cant seems to be able to save and the retrieve the saved post to edit. I am not able to retrieve any saved changes whenever I wanted to edit a post. It always goes back to the first saved draft, regardless of how many times I've updated it.

Second, the date is all wrong. Imagine my first post about 26th Feb is posted on the 23rd Feb! Makes it look so ridiculous, but with reference to the first problem, it took me too long and too many tries to change it again.

Third, I just realized, Blogger isnt the most friendliest place to upload pictures. Apparently, I can only upload 5 each times. Die, how am I gonna do a pictorial blog if it isnt easy in the first place???

We'll see how long I can manage posting in two places. I still have problems deciding which goes where.

Alright, I'm tired. There are many things in my mind and life right now. But I'm sure I'll find time to post it up soon enough...

25/02/08

I cannot lah. No matter how much I try to forget, it still come back haunting me. Past week has been absolutely horrible.

Its like a healing wound that gets cut up everytime it starts the healing process you know. You know the dried scab on a wound? Its like everytime somebody ask me about it, I dig away the scab and its an open wound again.

Honestly, I've tried very very hard to avoid talking about it for as long as I could. Why? Its so to give time for the would to perhaps heal a little bit more so that the next time around someone ask me about it, when I dig into the wound, the wound is not as deep and it wont hurt so much anymore.

I dont know why. One minute I'm absolutely convinced that I am over it, the next moment when the topic is bought up, I could feel the anger brewing inside me again.

I know Des feels absolutely horrible about this, but trust me babe, I'm really doing the very best that I can. I'm trying very hard to put this behind me. Somehow or rather, it still refuses to leave me. It must be something deeper than this...

This issue has disturb me so much until I couldnt properly sleep. Heck, I was so caught up in it that I suddenly only realized that today is the last day that I will be a legally single. It is so bad until I didnt even realized this and I guess the pressure spilled over to the registration issues.

I.Hate.This.

Can you believe that I cannot even enjoy the fact that I'm getting married soon.

I guess nobody really knows just how much the original date means to me. All I really want now is to just get away so that we could start a life on our own. Its bad enough that we have 101 things to worry about when we're there. Now, we couldnt even do anything to prepare for it. And then they have the cheek to say how come we didnt do anything.

See, now I'm back to being angry all over again. Sigh, why cant I just stop being difficult???

Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

There shall be no more YouTube from now on cause my Dell is up and hopefully will be able to revive my music collection.

Anyway, past week has been, how should I say, not been going as I planned.

Yes, my flight has been delayed to 9th March, hence the updated Ticker above and the days counting down to the flight has been extended. There were issues, and I shall not divulge in it as it was very personal.

Frankly speaking, I have been trying NOT to blog especially for the past week in fear I wrote something that I will regret. Usually, I will write down during my most angry times as I want to capture the intense feeling that I am having then.

But this time its different as it involve a person what is very personal to us and it makes it difficult to dictates my feelings out as I do not want to have the issue anymore worst that it already is.

Pokoknya, what is done is done and I keep reminding myself to only concentrate on what is important. Right now, I'm trying to tell myself to only think about the ROM and anything else I'll deal with it later. With things happening, I've not been able to fully concentrate on the registration and I do not want to think about the trip anymore right now.

Anyway, I'm playing Colbie Caillat's Bubbly right now. No doubt it is a great song, but it is also apparently Sue Ann's favourite song. Whenever I hear the song being played, I'll remember the way the 6 year old sings in the car, and the way she asked me to increase the volume of the radio whenever it is being played and the way she sing along to the song in her own special 6-year old way.

19/02/2008

Been very busy for the past week.

Wake up 6am to drive kids to their kindy for a week
Did my tax clearance (but still waiting for letter)
Bought a Dell
Bought a shockproof, waterproof, freezeproof camera
Bought a year supply of Dermalogica
Pack and clean my room (still have about 30% to do)
Done a preliminary packing for the trip
Created a new blog but no post yet (wait, the Dell, camera and Photoshop will come together soon).

I still have a long list of things to do. Don’t ask me “why I never do earlier” because life is like that.

And last minute arrangement screws up our accommodation plans in UK upon arrival so we will end up sleeping on the street or delaying the flight.

I’d rather sleep on the street.

Pictorial Blog?

I'm starting a new blog to document the pictures that I'll be taking from now on. I haven't really decided on the name yet, so will "announce" it later when its up and running. You could go to my profile to peek first (though dont expect anything fantastic yet... or ever).

I do like taking pictures, but sadly, I haven’t make use my of Canon Powershot A80 ever since I bought it 4 years ago. I mean, I did initially when I first bought it, but I haven’t really understand and fully utilized the function that came with the camera. It has P, TV, Av, M, C1, C2, etc functions that I still haven’t managed to tell the difference. A high price to pay for something that I hardly use.

Three years later, with the relocation plan to London, I've decided to resurrect it. I'm still in the mist of testing a few batteries, cause I'm still not sure about its power and I think the LED screen is going off (with 30% of the screen slightly darker than the rest). It is taking longer than it originally does to on it and the main button for taking pictures also take 2 second longer to react.

Hence, I'm still undecided whether to buy another camera for the trip or after. Obviously, money is a factor. I'll play around with the pictures before deciding.

So much for introducing a place of pictures with the first post of nothing but words. I'm in the mist of downloading Photoshop, which hopefully I will be able to adjust and amend the pictures that I took. I look forward to doing more of these picture stuff when I have a laptop (soon I hope!).

We’ll see…

Lame Jokes

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Men are blind. It’s too dark over there.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
We have a knack to see and realize obvious things. It’s brighter over here.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
What compromise? They came over to a brighter place on Earth, while we are suppose to learn how to live life a little blurry.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Things are supposed to be clearer for them. Yea right, wait till they go over our place.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
No seriously. A little light and they thought they’ve seen it all.

Rich Bride, Poor Bride

Yes, 5th Feb was my last day up in the hill. And I have not look back since.

Partly its because I was bogged down with many other things, such as preparation for CNY, ROM and the trip.

After making about 3 trips down with the car packed to the brim, not only do I have to unload and unpack, I have to pack up things in my room to make room for the things that I brought down. Also, I forsee another round of packing AFTER I finish packing for the trip as there is no point keeping stuff for another year when i'm not around.

Funnily though, exhausting and tiring as it were, I'm not complaining. I find the act of packing up stuff very stress relieving, almost as it it re-energizes me as I unclutter my room. The act of packing up stuff to throw/give away is certainly very refreshing, perhaps, it reflects my need for a change as I prepare for a life changing month...

Anyway, the point is, I came across a list of things that I found on the internet long long time ago. Something about things that you should do in your life. I glanced through the list and I stopped at one.

"Be engaged at least six months before you married".

My heart dropped for a moment as I paused to think about the statement. "I'm only engaged for less than two months". The problem is, before I was reminded by the statement, I'd always thought that I was engaged for a very long time (which contributes to the issue on why I wanted to get married) because I always thought that I was proposed to seven years ago which I promptly accepted. Unfortunately, as years went by, I came to realized that the particular incident was not what I thought it was.

I know I'm being dramatic again, but drama is what makes this interesting...

Apparently, i am only "officially" engaged the moment he proposed at the beginning of this year. Which only leaves me two months to prepare before the registering of marriage. (And he wanders how come I expected it. Of course, otherwise, it will be no time to prepare! *roll eyes*). Logic plays a very important part in my life, hence the logistics of the whole thing was pretty logical.

Hence, all these time while I am thinking that I'm "engaged", I'm not. So, I got a pretty rude shock when I realized what being "officially engaged" means. Cause when it is official only I can start talking about making plans, money and many more issues. I told you I was banned from talking these stuff before the proposal. What to do, seven years of courtship and I cant discuss these kinda things and I'm only given two months to deal with it (Tell me how not to be mad about it? - I'm being dramatic, so read along...)

The sudden influx of information (bridal magazines, bridal forums, bridal websites, bridal this bridal that) sends me into this frenzy that I cannot control. Yes, I am only registering and not doing the actual ceremony yet, but you cant blame me cause apparently these are what soon-to-be-brides do (stick finger in mouth to gag).

Part of me wants to keep things as simple as possible purely on logistical issues. No money, no time and no planning. However, a very tiny part of me wants it to be magical. But I cannot even afford a new dress, let alone a photographer to take pictures. Suprise suprise, the desperate side of me actually wrote an email to a photograher practically begging him to do it for free.

Being engaged changed me as well. Obviously my topic of conversations has changed. I was talking to a cousin of mine (whom we barely exchanged meaningful conversation) about the issue of people adding their two cents of thoughts on our plans. "So what if its a marriage of convineance? So what if we're not ready for it? What can they do?" Which she proceeds to playfully slap me and said, "You are as stubborn as any one of our family." How true...

Well, dont worry so much about the statement (cause again, I have to remind you that I'm being dramatic and all). But then again, I found out something that makes me totally disgusted. I dont know which is worst, discovering the information or him looking at me and go, "Whats wrong with that?".

Funny how this post coincides with the start of my PMS week.

Happy Chinese New Years everyone!

01/02/2008

Just a quick update. Back home for a day today as I promised to go CNY shopping with mum. Managed to stick to my promise of not using credit card, but still managed to grab a couple of T-shirts. Oh well, its for the trip anyway.

Sleep has not been smooth, as I keep dreaming up weird dreams about the upcoming trip and waking up with an even weirder feeling. But as hard as I try, I cannot recall what I dreamt about seconds after I woke up.

Room uphill is getting emptier and emptier, but not as emptier as I would have preferred, I would say that we've managed to clear 70% of our stuff, with 30% still lying around the room. Aiks!

Thoughts has been running through my head about creating a new blog to track the trip and also would be good to "distribute" out to family members and friends. But I'll need to clearly draw the line on what will be updated in the new blog and what will be written in 512, cause I fear the it will be neglected. Also, I fear that I would have jinx it. We'll see...

Still have about 4-5 days of work before leaving the hill for good. Last minute issues begins to crop up, driving me crazy with the unnecessary stress.

February is officially here. And hence begins a very hectic and life changing month...

Metaphor

I am one of them.

When I first started, this place offers so many endless opportunities. It paints a wonderful great picture that I couldn’t possibly turn back. It seems so surreal and I could hardly believe my luck to be able to be here in the first place.

Little do I know the dark secret that this place holds.

Behind their smiling faces, lurks a creature man fears. A creature so terrifying, we only expect to see in movies. Newbies like me then, heard about their existence, but we thought its only myths and we never came to believe it. Of course, we have our chances. Thinking back, there were a few encounters, but we just brush them off as a mere coincidence so their similarities.

These creatures are highly intelligent. They are smart, and though they may seem to work individually, all their action contributes to a mission and vision of a common goal. To turn ALL of us into them. They do not easily show their true face to us. Rather, they enticed us and will do anything to gain our trust.

And trust we did. Years down the line, we begin to acknowledge their existence. Their presence is not to be discussed, but is certainly felt. No direct acknowledge is done, but we all know with the familiar frown and nods exchanged. We all knew the dangers lurking, but we are stuck with no where else to go. To buy time, we tried to maintain a civil relationship with them, thinking “I don’t kacau u, you don’t kacau me”. How naïve of us to think like that.

We knew that we were outnumbered, and we watched helplessly as we begin to lose our friends to them. Few of us took the risk to leave, but many of us were still afraid. Afraid of the outside world. Afraid of being an outcast because of our constant contact with them. Afraid we’ll have difficulties adjusting to life because we’re so used to them by now.

So used to them.

We’re becoming one of them. It happens so quickly yet slow enough for one not to realize the change. But others certainly did. The newbies who came in now know that we’re becoming one of them. Our family realized the change but we brush them off rudely, saying, “Perhaps,”pretending to be part of them is the only way to save ourselves”. We fear to become ourselves again because we don’t want to lose out. We begin developing extraordinary strengths and abilities that could take us years to get. We became cocky with our powers. We became comfortable with our powers. We became one with our powers.

I became one of them.

How do you warn the newbies about you? I certainly did, but they refused to believe, just like the way I laughed at these “myths” when I first came. The new ones became cocky, saying that they are well equipped with the knowledge of our existence. Sadly, they know nothing. Knowing about their existence is not anything like being one of them. They wont stand a chance.

Even till now, I struggle with my desire to warn others but is held back with what I’ve become. Certainly, I am ashamed to admit that I crave for my own needs and not to care about my victims. There is no cure. Even those who left, longs to come back. But deep down, I am still human, rather, I was human. Perhaps, with my last ounce of humanity, I will be able to gather enough strength to leave behind this shelter and to warn other humans about us. About me.

Phone Call

On 25th January 2008 at 5:52pm, I received a long awaited phone call…

Me: Hello:
Him: Hi, can I speak to Agnes please?
Me: Yep. Who is this?
Him: Hi Agnes. I’m XXX calling from XXX Insurance Company.
Me (rolling eyes thinking its yet another sales call): Yes.
Him: You attended an interview with me some time back.
Me (heart skipped a beat): Ah yes. How are you?
Him: Good. Are you still with XXX?
Me: Yes. I am still with XXX. (paused). Until February.
Him: What happens after that?
Me: (breathed in) My partner and I has just gotten a working holiday visa in UK and we’ll be flying over in March.
Him: I see. I’m actually calling to offer you employment. You see, the position is still vacant and has never been filled in.
Me: I’m sorry. I wont be able to take up the offer then.
Him: I see.
Me: I was looking forward to your call actually back then . And since its been some time back, I thought you have found the appropriate person.
Him: Alright then. All the best to you.
Me: Thank you. Hope you will find someone suitable as well.
Him: Thank you. Goodbye!
Me: Goodbye!

Risky Move

While chatting with a friend of mine via MSN few days ago, the topic of my London trip came up.

“I envy you. You’re like living my dream…”

While most people responded positively whenever I told them about our plan to leave, little do they know the risk and the reason behind the trip.

“The grass is always greener on the other side.”

How true. Though the prospect of going London itself is very exciting and it certainly inject a fresh feeling into our daily working mundane life, it is nothing like your usual 10-days trip to London where you get to travel to different cities, stay in different hotels, sight see and enjoy your trip.

No. In fact, its far from it.

Two things for sure. We’re going to London WITHOUT a place to stay and WITHOUT a job. Funny how I find myself saying that sentence out loud. Cause I’d swear that I’ve always go around telling people that its STUPID to resign from a job without first securing another. And I always say that I could never afford to STOP working because I have bills accumulating every month.

RELOCATE.

We literally drop everything that we have been building towards (both career and family) and just move to a totally unfamiliar place to start all over again. Not only are we starting all over again, we have a very high risk of RETURNING to Malaysia WITHOUT anything, again, to build everything up again from scratch. Not only do we face the risk of being rejected at the custom (because of various reasons), we may not even find a job to support ourselves and will have to return back with even LESS money that we started of. Yes, the only support we have is the fact that Des’ sister in law is there. But that won’t do much because she is a single working lady herself who have her own life.

How much does it cost us to relocate? Easily 40k. O_o

Now, I’m not going to continue to talk about the money issue, lest someone from the embassy decides to chance upon this blog and decides to reject our entry. But you do your own calculation as to how much it will come to make the trip worth while.

I guess, to a certain extend, I will admit that indeed the trip gave me an outlet to escape from many aspect of my life right now. Below are just a few items that I could easily pluck from my head:

- to quit my job and stop doing something that I don’t believe in.
- to stop working for a person who called me a “prostitute” and to gain my dignity back.
- to avoid moving back to KL on a permanent basis.

And of course, I admit that without the trip, the plans would never get a kickstart and will never be escalated to where it is right now and I’ll never be scheduled to be married in Feb. I did ask him before, if without the trip, the possibility of us getting married this year. He did give me a positive answer, but yet I find it hard to believe.

Now why am I writing a post down as if I’m trying to reassure myself when I’ve done it before already?

I don’t know.

Open Letter

To you,

Now OF COURSE I know you read my blog. In fact, that was the reason why I was posting up all these encrypted messages hoping that you’ll get it and leave me alone!

But, sigh, looks like you didn’t.

Seriously, if you have taken a moment to reflect on the whole story, you would have realized what when wrong. Worst, you not only do not get it, you’re doing the EXACT same thing that you did to me to OTHER PEOPLE! Walau, talk about history repeating itself.

What has happened, has happened. Get over it and move on. It has left a scar on all of us (not to mentioned I didn’t even do ANYTHING to deserve it). Now, when I say move on, I don’t mean forgetting about the scar and lets all live happily ever after as it it never happened.

No.

Happily ever after don’t exist.

So please, its bad enough already that we’re not in talking terms, don’t kacau the rest as well! Please, I beg you, leave the rest alone. Don’t turn them into innocent victims that I once fell for. I know they mean well and only want to help, but what they didn’t know is the extend of what you’re capable of doing. The exact thing that you did to me.

There is a fine line between talking to friends to empathize and cheer you up, and talking to friends to drag them along into the depths of your problems.

P/S: Don’t you dare launch into another one of those “I-don’t-mean-it-that-way-and-I-just-wants-things-to-be-better” cries cause both of us know that we’ve heard enough of it. It happened more than 2 years ago (not 6 months ago) remember?

P/S/S: And you (the other person who is involved in this), how I wish you were reading this also. You have taken the easy way out by choosing to eliminate contact with both of us. I’m, on the other hand, STILL being bothered by this issue months later until now. Sigh. Yes, I know, I am serving my sentence of my wrong doings *roll eyes*. Wanted to share a good news with you, but has no means to find you. But then again, it’s not like either one of us cared anyway. Not after what happened. Oh well, I’m sure you’re having a happy life and I know I will too.

Have a great life everyone!

P/S/S/S: Oh yea, and don’t be so perasan. Though most of the hidden messages are about you, not ALL of it is about you!

Itu Kamu - Estranged

Lyrics

MAHAKARYA CINTA - FAIZAL TAHIR

Lyrics

19/01/2008

I think we should meet up before you fly to London.

I don’t think so.

11/01/2008

Eleven days into 2008, I admit that I still cannot be 100% sure that we've made the right decision.

Past four days in KL has been probably the most "productive" offdays ever.

We've submitted the application and has fixed a date to ROM on the 26th Feb.
We've managed to pull and survive the first official dinner with both our family.
I've started to announce the news of the ROM and the trip to friends.
Went to the British High Comm and but only made it to the compound, not the building.
Changed the phone batteries.

I still have to buy my camera batteries, settled my insurance bills, suspend phoneline, stock up on toiletries, and of course, how can I forget, move back down kl.

I'm still struggling back and forth on our decision, one minute feeling all good that we've made the right choice, the other minute fearing we've gone out of our mind.

Oh well, the decision has been made, and it is just typical me to entertain doubts.

I just have to keep reminding myself of these key words - "BSC", "Prostitute", "26th Feb", "London".

Yup, I feel a lot better now...

P/S: Selamat Hari Jadi, 25 sen!

Dell vs Asus

We are arguing.

Big vs Super Small
Normal vs Portable
Heavy vs Very Light
High end vs Super Cheap
Black vs Wonderful White
Boring vs Damn Canggih!

Yet, I'm fighting a losing battle here... ;-(

Please contribute to the Feed-the-poor-couple-Fund.

5th January 2008

Today is Saturday, 5th January.

Six years ago, it was Saturday, 5th January.

For the first time in six years, I feel that I am ready to let go.

I had wanted ink myself in memory of that date last year, but I’ve never gotten around doing it.

But for the past month, I’m even more determined.

Perhaps its because when I feel that I am ready to put it behind me, I am even more determine to put a mark on myself.

Why?

Is it because I fear that I will forget?

04/01/2008

“Its just bad timing that you’re leaving. We wanted to transfer you up here…”

On the contrary, the timing couldn’t have been better! Phew!

02/01/2008

Yep,

1) We have handed in our resignation
2) We are leaving the hill right before CNY
3) We have to prepare to move back down KL
4) We are spending CNY in KL (and the whole month of Feb)
5) We are flying off on the 2nd March
6) I’m now engaged :-)
7) We are planning to register in Feb
8) We are only going to do the whole ceremony thing after the trip
9) We have a long list of things to prepare
10) 2008 is here!