I just realised...

This is the closest I'll ever get to an occupied Big Brother House.

For.The.Rest.Of.My.Life.

No words can describe my sadness right now.

Bye bye Big Brother...

Kacang

Apparently, they are called 'Monkey nuts' over here. My boss was eating crap peanuts from M&S, so i decided to show them what real kacang taste like. Bought this Menglembu cap Orang Tua from Chinatown. Product of Malaysia! Luckily, my colleagues like it. Phew!

Jazz and Me. And Happily ever after...

My Facebook status today reads 'Agnes does not believe in 'Happily ever after'. Thats why she doesn't listen to jazz...'

I dont. I really dont.

I dont believe in being married and living life happily ever after. Neither do I listen to Jazz.

I believe that divorce should always be an option that we choose not to exercise. I dont live my life thinking 'we'll never divorce', or 'we'll always be together'. I think it is very important that we should always be very conscious of the fact that things could go wrong at any point of time.

Hence, we should never take anything for granted. We should all be aware how things goes and should always keep things right.

I know it seems weird how I equates happily ever to jazz. It does, come to think of it. Both gives you thia mushy lovey feeling of content, relaxation and without a care of the world. Or at least until when reality slaps you in the face or when the tape stops playing.

I think I mentioned about the jazz issue sometime back. I knew i mentioned something about it but was too lazy to find the link. Something about loving the jazz feeling but hating the reality check when i stop listening to it.

Almost as if I'm standing on top of a high building admiring the wonderful city lights and enjoying the amazing view and then in a split second having someone to push me off the building. Yeap, that is how i feel about jazz.

I think my 25 cent loves jazz. I've seen his endless collection of jazz albums and I've always love listening to it whenever he plays it in his room. Many times I had wanted to download the albums from him.

In fact, just for the sake of it, I've actually downloaded a couple of christmas jazz albums just to be played over Christmas. Hmm, well, lets just say i didnt even get past the 5th song before we were distracted and end up playing something else. And so, the the jazz album lays 'unlistened' in my drive.

Perhaps, if there is some invention that allows me to listen to jazz non stop for the rest of my life, will I truly understand the meaning of happily ever after. So non-stop jazz=happily ever after. Getiit?

But I know it will never work. This Jazz and me thing. Its just not meant to be.

31/12/2008

I must be crazy thinking I can close 512 for long :)

Anyway, I was getting a bit paranoid over some stuff that I wrote a little while ago and decide to shut it off for a while to let people forget about it. Dont worry, you probably wont notice it anyway but i just felt uncomfortable.

Anyway, its now the end of 2008. I've loads of idea but not right now I guess.

One way or another, I've always felt that I've seen the very best of fireworks display. I mean, i know there were some fantastic pictures that has been taken, and I seems to appreciate the pictures more than being on site.

I remember there is once that I saw fireworks without Des. And it feels different. Almost indifferent. After that, I lost interest in watching fireworks if he is not there with me.

Yea, I know. I have no life.

But then again, I'm sure with the same amount of people who shake their head saying I put this to myself, there would be just the same amount of people who understands what I'm saying.

All I wanna say...

Lets just say that I would have prefer Des to be with me. But I had a wonderful Christmas, and that is all I can ask for.

With 2008 almost drawing to the end, we are aware that we need to kick our lazy ass off the couch and put on our thinking caps if we ever want our wedding to materialize in 2009.

However, (I'm sure like any other couple), we have disagreements over how things should be done. The fact that we're half world away from KL doesnt make it any easier either.

Hence, we've decided to try a new concept. We would like to invite you, our friends and family to comment on issues that we find hard to agree on. Depending on the response we get, we're toying with the idea to make our wedding YOUR wedding by posting up numerous mind boggling issues that needs decision making.

But BEFORE we go so far ahead, we would like to set up a few simple questions just to help us with some ideas. Perhaps, if the response is good, we will continue to develop it into something better (for a better word, ADVENTUROUS, in another word, LAZY).

So, lets starts this off by asking you a few simple questions in which we can build the foundation of our wedding plan. Your response will be very much appreciated, and please leave comments on your thoughts about the polls.

Cheerleading?

Its things like these that makes me regret not pursuing my dancing class properly when I was a kid.



Gives me goosebumps everytime but yet I can watch it nonstop continuously.

Untitled.

Des is coming back in an hour's time.

Many thoughts were in my head, yet I dont know how to phase them in groups.

Been taking the bus home for the past few days. Instead of tube+tube, I'm doing bus+tube. I dont know why, but London tube really bores me. I recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the phrase 'surrounded by people but yet feels lonely'. Not like I have a problem with it anyway. But I finds that the fact that it is underground and you cant look outside to let your thoughts wander is what depressed me. After work, I just cant find the energy to force my brain into concentrating in reading a book. Wandering eyes is considered rude. Especially since you're the only one doing it.

I really just want to look outside and see that the world is moving.

Maybe I should walk home tomorrow.

On the other end of my spectrum of thoughts, I'm only capable to taking more than I give. Dont be sorry, neither am I apologetic. Lets just say I'm built this way. Most of the bricks is laid by me anyway.

Like what everyone says, its just purely to protect oneself. Better you than me right?

Life works in the funniest way. I had a short argument with my collegue today, about whether 12 o'clock afternoon should be 12am or 12pm. Life is funny, the argument is not.

Remember one of my favourite phrases?

'Life is not fair. If it is, I'm nothing...'

I'm so going to walk home tomorrow...

28/10/08

I'm in lala land right now. In my own little world, driving myself crazy with thoughts of the recession, weakening pound and losing job. Not good timing to kacau me right now. Obviously, as always, things are not as bad as I reported, but I'm the queen of drama right???

27/10/08

I was just reading through some of the old post way back earlier this year and last year and I cried my eyes out.

I'm so glad that 512 managed to capture all these moments. But I do noticed that there were hardly any 'happy' post.

Is it because I was hardly happy? I am aware that 512 captures a significant amount of stressful times in my life. But that is probably because I write better when I'm angry.

Hence, if you're reading this, please dont mistaken that I'm this angry and horrible sad woman. (Well, I probably am some of the times). Its just that most of the happier times I'm either spending it away from the laptop or captured in PITM.

:)

Everything is fine for now. But expect horrible post in the future, as I will be losing my temp job in November and I will drive myself (and Des) up the wall again with my antics of not able to find jobs. I suspect I will be in a 'suitable' mood fuel with enough emotion to write about the updates by then.

Watch out for this space! Take care everyone!

10/10/08

You know what, I suddenly have flashbacks on life up the hill.

The multi storey escalators. The indoor theme park. The crowded lobby. The conference center. The outdoor theme park. The brightly lit walk way.

How the hell did we managed to spend three years there???

Beautiful

Remember what I said about cheesy wedding songs?

I think I just about found the perfect cheesy song for the wedding!



Lyrics

Things are fine for now. Will update soon on my thoughts....

Fall Out Boy songs

Am slowly searching for songs for our wedding and I'm keen to use my favourite songs (as I'm trying to stay away from old cheesy wedding march songs). Sadly, emo-rock songs doesnt seems to go with wedding themes (if you listen to the previously karaoke posts of you-tube links)

Oh well, continueing on the karaoke songs, below are my favourite Fall Out Boy songs.

This Aint a Scene, its an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy

Lyrics



Thanks for the memories - Fall Out Boy

Lyrics



I'm like a lawyer - Fall Out Boy

Lyrics



And how can we forget this?

Sugar we're going down - Fall Out Boy


Lyrics

01/10/08

I had in my mind this short straight-to-the-point post about my difficulty in sleeping, which slowly manifest itself into a long full blown bottomline-the-real-reason anger that took me quite sometime to settle down before drifting off the sleep.

I'd very much like to blame the cold water but I suspect the medication could have something to do with it.

I'm in my indecisive mood again, for I cannot even plan our trip in Oct anymore. 40 pounds for 6 mile away or 50 pounds for 3 miles away? Bus or train? 8am or 3pm? Blackpool first or Manchester first? North or South? Sun or Monday? Tuesday maybe?

I forsee another nervous breakdown in days to come.

28/09/08

Read the article below (extracted straight from here), and tell me what you think...

Devout muslim sues Tesco for religious discrimination after he was made to carry crates of alcohol

A muslim is suing Tesco for religious discrimination after having to carry crates of alcohol as part of his job.

Forklift truck driver Mohammed Ahmed, 32, worked in one of the supermarket giant's warehouses for eight months before quitting 'in protest', an employment tribunal heard.

He claims he was forced to leave because handling beer, spirits and wine is against his strict Islamic beliefs and that he was victimised when he asked the company to give him another role.

Mr Ahmed, who was raised in Saudi Arabia, told the tribunal he had no idea his job entailed handling alcohol when he started work at the distribution depot in Lichfield, Staffordshire, last September.

When he realised it did, he asked to be found different work but alleges that one of his supervisors told him: 'You do the job or go home.'

Mr Ahmed also claimed his line manager was 'aggressive' towards him and another supervisor angrily told him: 'Do not take the p***.'

The situation allegedly worsened in November and December when extra alcohol arrived at the warehouse in readiness of Christmas, the tribunal in Birmingham heard.

Mr Ahmed claimed he eventually lodged an official grievance with the company in February but was 'victimised and harassed' as a result.

Asked why he took so long to raise a grievance in the first place, he said: 'Many meetings were being held in the meantime to discuss the situation.'

The tribunal heard that since the case emerged Tesco has ensured its induction process makes clear that handling alcohol is part of the job.

But Laura Canham, the company's solicitor, said it was still unrealistic for Mr Ahmed to say he had no idea what his duties would be.

Mr Ahmed claimed he had never visited a Tesco store and was not aware the company sold alcohol.

But he admitted having shopped in other supermarkets - including Sainsbury's, Lidl and ASDA - and noticing alcohol was on sale there.

Miss Canham said: 'He was advised at the outset what the job would entail. At no stage did he raise the fact he could not handle alcohol.'

She told the hearing managers did all they could to help Mr Ahmed, adding: 'They went to see if there were any other roles available for him.

'He applied for a maintenance job, but he was unsuccessful. All other roles, in some form or other, also came into contact with alcohol.'

The tribunal was told Mr Ahmed also gave out 'mixed messages', at one stage suggesting he was allowed to handle Budweiser beer.

Miss Canham denied the company discriminated against him and said: 'It would be reasonable to expect him to be aware of what Tesco did.'

Mr Ahmed, of Derby, who is suing the firm for racial discrimination, victimisation and harassment, is set to learn the outcome of the case later this week.

He said: 'I was asking for my rights. I am not saying I am a perfect person, but there was a conflict with my beliefs.

'It is in our religion that we are not allowed to handle alcohol. In the UK there are equal opportunities that should protect me and my beliefs.'

Saudi Arabia's enforcement of strict Sharia law regarding alcohol is among the harshest in the world.

Sentences include several months' imprisonment for simply drinking beer, and it is not unknown for offenders to be given lashes as well.

A spokesman for Tesco, whose £63 million Lichfield depot employs around 1,000 people, said: 'Cases like this are very rare.

'Managers are trained to be culturally sensitive and have an "open-door policy" to staff for issues like this, as everyone is welcome to work at Tesco.'

I read and read it again three times just to make sure I didnt not misunderstood any part of the article.

I dont know whether to laugh or to cry...

Running Out of Time - Simple Plan

The perfect song to describe the political situation back home?



But I still miss home...

Karaoke (Part 2)

Papercut - Linkin Park



Breaking the habit - Linkin Park



Welcome to my life - Simple Plan



Untitled - Simple Plan



Shut Up - Simple Plan



Crazy - Simple Plan



Addicted - Simple Plan



Your love is a lie - Simple Plan



I'm just a kid - Simple Plan



When i'm Gone - Simple Plan



Perfect - Simple Plan



Cant you see I'm a fan of Simple Plan???

Karaoke

Enough about feeling sorry for myself. Time for Karaoke. All together now!

She's so lovely - Scouting for Girls



Heartbeat - Scouting for Girls



Rockstar - Nickelback



How to save a life - The Fray



Grace Kelly - Mika



Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis



In the end - Linkin Park

I am the Kacang ('cont)

I feel the need to redeem myself after the previous post of me bashing.

For the longest time i've been wanting to talk about the kacang issue but in many occasion has decided against it. Because you see, there are a lot of you who fail to see the other side of the coin.

You hold on to every single word that I said and judge it against your own life. Essentially, many people fail to see the people lead different lives and (lo, behold) have different priorities from you.

Say for example, a lot of people do not understand the difficulty that Des and I went through with him working in shifts. They fail to see that the weekends that they all look forward to to rest and relax with their partners is not something that happened on a regular basis for us. They fail to see why I cannot commit to a weekend holiday in 6 weeks time purely because we have no idea whether either one of us is able to make it (no weekends off luxury remember?) And I particularly hate it when they are quick to come to a conclusion and ignore the reasons why I want to go back to have dinner with des every single day of the week.

I dread it when Friday comes and colleagues asked the mandatory 'what you doing over the weekend'. My answer? 'Nothing really'. Weeks and weeks to come.

Am I safe to think that for those who have never dated people who works in the service industry will never understand? I've given up trying to explain what I feel lonely even though I live with Des. Dont get me started about 'if you feel lonely, why dont you go out and do something?' Especially from people who are single and lead a 'young and adventurous' life.

Dont get me wrong. I'm happy. I like the way things are. Its just tiring to try to explain to people that it is ok about the fact that I dont necessarily feel and do things the way they do. I want to go back home to have dinner with Des every single day because I want to. Its not clingy, its because you people fail to realize that its only the dinner that I get to see Des. I dont get to see him for the rest of the evening and night.

Furthermore, we're married. We're not dating anymore. Things change. So what if yours didnt. Mine did.

Remember what I said about the other side of the coin?

I admit that there are times that I feel absolutely horrible and goes around asking friends if they have any sad news to share. I need to know that the world does not revolves around me. And you know what they say? 'I'm happy, and I want you to know that'. So much for being a friend. I think its particularly sad that you are happy because you dont want me to see you sad. They probably go on thinking 'Oh no, I have to be happy, I dont want Agnes to see me sad', for all the wrong reasons! Well, i think its pathetic that you're happy not because you truly are, but because you only pretend to be.

Remember what I said about people trying to teach me a lesson? Sad. But funnily enough, I just have to admit that I am guilty myself. There are many times that I'm just saying/doing things because I knew that provokes an action from you. How? Simple. Cause I know how judgemental you are, so I just need to drop a few hints here and there and bom! Response received and enjoyed.

We're not that different you know. If you look at me and you hate me, its only because we're the same. Believe it.

I'm pathetic. I know I know. I contradict myself ALL the time. Now i am the one who is trying to convince you all that I'm happy happy house, happy house happy house. I guess I'm just happy to finally find the energy to drag myself up on the bed and to type my thoughts out. I wander if its because of the overdose on the reality tv show that I've recently discover online. Hmm, I guess these sudden outburst of emotion is due to my emotion jar is almost bursting already. I miss you all from the hill. I truly do. Because you guys understand.

But then again, life goes on...

I am the Kacang.

A friend posted 'Abandoning the monk after the ceremony' in the MSN status today. Whether he means me is irrelevant.

Anyway, his statement makes me think. Think about who I am and think about how others think.

For as long as I can remember, I already knew that I'm the type of person who will look when I need. Obviously, this wasnt my best trait. But I think the difference between me and the others is that I already KNEW i am one.

The point is, I acknowledge the importance of thanking the very person who has helped you. But I dont see the point of being indebted to the person for the rest of my life, especially when it wasnt over life and death matters. Say the monk and ceremony example. Yes, it is important to acknowledge and thank the monk, but I dont think that we should spend the entire ceremony thanking the monk and making him the centre of the attention when the ceremony is supposed to be about US.

Let me stress that we should ALWAYS thank the monk. But then, it doesnt mean that we should be made to feel as if we owed him our lives. How selfish for the monk to think that way. Especially if it is his JOB to do it in the first place! I mean, dont you think there is a line to be drawn? Certainly, the monk shouldnt expect to be invited to every important celebrations for the couple in their lives after the ceremony! (Ok, maybe they will, but then, it should still be the perogative of the couple, and it shouldnt be a MUST).

Coincidently, I spoke to Des about this matter a few days ago (no, not about inviting the lady who officiate our marriage to our wedding ceremony, but something similar). And boy, am I glad when he shared the same thinking as me. About the importance of thanking the person but yet felt that we would have repaid the indebtness.

For as long as I've realized that I'm a kacang lupakan kulit person, I've tried very hard not to be indebted to anyone. I mean, there are many times I've asked and yet did not receive anything in return, but I can frankly say, I did not harbour any hatred at all because 'do what you want others to do to you' right? The same way I've not responded to people's calling, I wasnt expecting people to answer most of the time. Cause everyone else is just the same. Perhaps, I'm just looking for those good souls (whom I've always make fun of because they were 'too good to be true'), but trust me, I dont hold you in fault when you dont answer. But then again, thinking back, for those of you who delibarately avoided me, doesnt that make you the same? I always laugh when people tried to conciously teach me a lesson, for doesnt they realized that makes them the same???

Oh well, I guess people always forget that. Dont you see, the more I avoid being indebted to you, the more I'm trying NOT to be a kacang lupakan kulit. If I'm not indebted to you, how can I lupakan you? Gettit??? I'm trying, I'm trying...

For the past few weeks, a certain issue has been dragging in our lives. I am sure it was a combination of a few other factors (one being very prominent) that dictates our action. It would be fair to say that we werent exactly thinking in the right mind for now. Well, if you're living our life, I'm sure you would too! (Nevermind, I'm not telling you what it is...)

Anyway, moving on. The point is people should not hold themselves too high. Yes, I do ask only when I need, but then again, one shouldnt think too highly of themselves. I'm not the greatest friend one could have, but people needs friends just the way they need something for themselves. Just so happen, I need a different type of friend right now. Certainly its no fault of mine right?

I used to be those people who dont understand how friends can move on and finds it hard to accept that things change. Yup, believe it or not, I'm the kind of person who wants friends to be together forever and ever. That was when I was 5 years old, the girl who always cries when her best friend threatens not to befriend her anymore. But she always take me back. Probably because she thinks I'm pathetic. Fast forward 20 years alter, that was probably the reason why I dont have a best friend and accepts the fact that friendships exist to fill up a hole.

Dont get me wrong. There are people that I would still love to keep in touch with. But I accepts that people move on and I certainly wont hold my friend hostage lest they decides to experience different things and meet different people.

I remembered there was once I had a horrible day at work during my time up the hill. It was lunch time and not many people were in the office (which is a good thing because I dont have to layan so many people). Feeling absolutely horrible, I stood up and walk to a temp clerk that was sitting across me and squatted next to her without saying a word. She looked at me and ask whats wrong (we talked before, but mostly in the office. We werent close, but we werent enemies either). Without saying a word, I suddenly burst into tears and i could sense her suprise and she passed me tissue without saying a word. Two minutes later, I dried my eyes, stood up and walked to the toilet to freshen up. We never spoke about the incident afterwards, but I'm glad she is there (obviously she doesnt CHOOSE to be there for me). Dont get me wrong, I thank her for the tissue back then. But at times when you really need a good cry without the shoulder and explaination, I think I'm a friend enough for her to be there for me when I needed someone to cry to. Afterall, I dont need her to explain, I dont need her to talk me though, I dont need her to pity. I just need her to be there. And she did. A good friend would have asked too much question, and I dont need that for that moment in time. (I then turn to a 'good friend' (Des, that is) later after work and that was when the questions, anger, crying, consoling begins).

If you say I take more than I give, you're probably right. But then, I think its only human to do such a thing.

I cant help being the way I am. For I am moulded the way I am when i was 5 years old. And I think it is most liberating to be able to accepts who you are than to struggle to change yourself. I dont make excuses for myself, and I certainly dont apologise for it. (yes yes, I do apologise when i've wrong someone, but I dont apologize when i dont act according to your standards, you get the idea). I just think its sad that if I'm 30 (yes lah, I know I'm not yet, but soon to be lah) and I dont still know who I am.

And I do admit who I am to those of you who know me. Just dont try to change me. Dont say I dont warn you...

Short talk - Karma

I've had my fair share of idiots and bitches encounters in my life. And i do realized that at times of my life, I've been a bitch myself too. So if what comes around goes around, isn't it safe to say that for those people who says that i'm a bitch, have been horrible to others some point of their lives too? Isn't that what's karma all about?