070607

I am confused.

And knowing me, I’ll just take a mere second to decide and be done with it.

But not this time.

I want to take a step behind and to be able to see clearly the whole situation.

I didn’t want to make a decision I’ll regret. I’d tend to get too excited over these things and get caught up with the situation that wasting time choosing the inevitable seems unnecessary.

However, I am grateful of this opportunity. It shows me what I could be facings months down in time. The situation would be the same later, its just the matter of now or later.

Yes, the prospect and offer is great, though after some initial calculation, it will not be that much. But then again, I am not sure if this is the most I could get.

Money aside, the prospect is good, and I forsee a lot of work. So much so that I actually doubt if I could deliver. Insecurity clouds over me as I wander if I’m expected to deliver more than I could handle. I

Of course, the thought of returning home looks inviting. But for that, I’ll have to pay the price of being in a long distance relationship and will not be able to spend as much time as we do here. And yes, that is enough for me to reconsider. But it is for a short term. But half a year?

But all these things, its just a matter of time right? If its not now, it would be later, regardless of who is leaving first. And worst case scenario, what if I could never match this?

Which brings me into another concern. A very sensitive issue that I believe we both have not discussed. “Kong chin sheung kam cheng” (Talks about money will hurt relationships). How true is that saying. But at the bottom at my heart, I truly believe he will go far, and that in the end, all will be okay.

The inevitable is bound to happen. Unfortunately, life does not always happen the way we wanted it. Its just a matter of now or later. And I am grateful for this opportunity. I now have more time to weigh all aspects of the decision, instead of waiting for the very last minute.

I have wanted this to be just a test. To see what it feels like and how bad/well it could go. I certainly do not want to jump into decisions quickly. But after four hours, I am tempted to make it a reality instead of just an assessment.

But of course, the Director puts me off but the manager seems very nice. De ja vu, I tell you, cause it is the same stubbornness and old fashion that I see here. And change management is what taking place and I’ve been there all along. Do I want to spend time working with that level of stubbornness again? But of course, ultimately, the challenge lies with me in delivering what he wants and proving him wrong.

Small matter, really.

I’ve a friend, who told me “Don’t you worry about these things. Let it happen naturally, and things will fall in place. Look at me, when I got married, I didn’t thought about owning our own house, and look at me now, three kids and two cars!”

These words has comforted me so much, and I breathe a sigh of relieve and say a silent prayer to HIM to seek for his direction.

Fan switch

Mr. S: (called through the operator) Hello?
We: Reception, how can I help you?
Mr. S: How do I on the fan?
We: Well, you switch it on, sir.
Mr. S: There is no switch.
We: Yes, there is sir. Next to the light switch.
Mr. S: There is no switch.
We: Yes, there is sir. Its the round knob next to the light switch.
Mr. S: (silent) Ah, yes. There is a switch.
We: Alright, sir.
Mr. S: How do I on it?
We: You turn it clockwise, sir.
Mr. S: (silent) Okay.
We: Anything else, sir?
Mr. S: How do I off it?
We: You turn it the other way, sir.
Mr. S: Ah, ok. Thank you.

Semisonic - Closing Time

Lyrics

Okay, last one. Suddenly in a video frenzy.

Hinder - Better than Me

Lyrics

Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down

Lyrics

Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls

Lyrics

My Chemical Romance - I Dont Love You

Lyrics

Car Park

In XYZ Hotel's lobby...

Mr. Y: Excuse me, but I cannot find my car.
We: What you mean sir?
Mr. Y: I cannot remember where I park my car.
We: Okay. Do you remember any signs or symbols or colours at the carpark? Is there any fruits or animal symbols?
Mr. Y: Err... (takes a moment to think) No, I dont think there is any symbols. But I know that when I come out of the carpark, I am at ABC Hotel's lobby.
We: ...

Roller Coaster

I'm creating a new section called "Working Life".

It documents actual conversations that took place while working here.

Of course, most contributions would be from Des, and these are many of my favourites, as told by him, followed by many laughs afterwards.

Enjoy!

Mr. X: Hello, excuse me.
We: Yes sir, how can I help you?
Mr. X: What is a roller coaster?
We: ? (Confused look)
Mr. X: (points to the brochure) Roller Coaster. What is it?
We: (cracking his brain trying to find the first answer that comes to mind and voila!) Fast train, sir!
Mr. X: Ah, I know fast train!
We: (smiled, kepala kembang for a genius answer)
Mr. X: Where it take me?
We: ...

I dont know whether writting it down makes it less hilarious.

Anyway, if this amuse you, let me know!

02/06/2007

If I want to capture the moments of my life, I need a good slim camera.
If I want to document the thoughts of my life, I need a good light laptop.
If I want to display the essence of my life, I need someone to die.

The first one would cost me about RM2k.
The second would cost me another RM7k.
The third, its tricky.

Funny how my greatest idea would involve someone's death.

Talk about being an exhibitionist.

Otherwise, life is alright now. But then again, after jinx-ing it back in March, I should have known better.

Conversations

"...I noticed that you werent as cheerful and happy since six months ago..."

I know that I am transparent, but I always forget that I am. And so, every once in a while, I'll get this reminder that I am, indeed, very transparent to others on how I am feeling inside.

"...and I want you to know that it is ok to feel this way..."

For the first time in my life, my ears hurts so much from listening to advices that I have not asked for. This is the reason why I rarely talked to others about my problems, because I know exactly what they will say and I do not want to hear it (because I know that if you come to me with a problem, I will tell you things that YOU do not want to hear, dont say I dont warn you).

"...you need to do this slowly..."

Clearly, I do not want to carry on the conversation, and at one point of time, I feel violated because I am hearing things that I ALREADY KNOW and certainly am not willing to discussed about it. However, the circumstances of the conversation is so that I could not do anything but to keep quiet hoping it will end.

"Hello there! I'm sorry, but this morning I've mistaken you for someone else..."

And so, the week carries on with lots of activities and meeting many other people. But deep inside, the conversation left a huge impact on me for the rest of the week.

"Great looking shoes!"

It doesnt help either to have salt rubbed into the wound. But I managed. And over the week, I got to know more about the people that I've met...

"She is too chirpy for my liking."

"...It belongs to my aunt."

"He actually strangled her!"

"Dont you think you are sitting to close?"

"My voice has been like that since a year ago..."

"Well, you know how it is, with our two bosses not talking to each other."

Well, honestly, I didnt feel that much better. But I am very much consoled with the fact that others are equally bogged down with issues in their life, and that I am indeed very very THANKFUL with my family and life right now.

"Regardless."

And I'd be stupid to think that I am all alone in this.

Having said that, please do not come forward and start offering me advice unless I specifically asked you for it.

12/05/2007

Hence, the start of a long break.

Took 8 days off from work, 5 offdays and 3 annual leaves. Already, its been busy since yesterday and I've got a wedding to attend tomorrow and a short trip up to Cherating next week.

Been feeling slightly down since I came down. You know how weddings depressed me. And crying in a restaurant doesnt help either. So, what could a girl do when she is feeling down, depressed and have bengkak red eyes in a shopping mall? She shops.

And after two pairs of red shoes, a three-quarter pants, a purple bohemian shirt, two tops and accesories, she felt much, MUCH better.

So much better that she is able to plan properly on what she is going to wear during the wedding.

Hopefully, the fire-engine red pumps will take away the attention that others have on her. And the RM28 dress will help her look like as elegantly fake as she can.

I can tell you for sure, this 8 days sure not enough wan.

Vaio

Just when I thought that there is absolutely no way I could afford to buy a small kucik Vaio, Sony came up with this absolutely beautiful babe and it cost LESS than the small Vaio!!!

Sigh, a 12-month installment would cost me around RM500++ a month.

How?

02/05/2007

Looking through my old files, i found this...

Good, the previous post is supposed to be very sad and depressing. But somehow it is not. And that does not go well with this cause I had wanted to put up something slow and depressing.

So, with reference to the previous entry below, here are some random ramblings...

I'm glad that my current handphone makes me reply sms slower than others cause if not, I would have type and sent out some very nasty sms and to regret doing so later.

It is very tiring to repeat myself.

It is also very exhausting to know too much.

I miss him very much suddenly.

I now have a phobia of driving behind cars when it is raining. I'd rather take the risk to speed along in heavy rain than to follow rows of cars driving at slow speed (in fear of someone deciding to suddenly break hence the repeat of history).

I had a huge headache that lasted for two days after the accident.

My eyes were bengkak from crying and lack of sleep.

Despite it all, I felt that I did what I should do and that is enough. I've put what is unimportant aside when it required me to do so. But it doesnt mean that I ignore it after it is done. I still remember and…

I used to type out my thoughts before I had a blog or whenever I do not have access to internet.

The above seems disturbing, and apparently I've never gotten around to finish it.

I dont really remember what had happened, and what transpired me to write that.

And that is a good thing right?

Cause whatever that had bothered me back then, its over and I've gotten over it.

:)

Happiness = Fear(?)

And so...

A few days ago, we drove down to Tesco to destress and a dose of retail theraphy. While we were making our way down hill, he commented on an article suggesting various ways to detress while up hill. Examples given were activities like watching the sunset, going about the rides, walking around to enjoy the cool air. But we both agree, that the best way to destress, is to get AWAY from the source of the stress. Don't you agree?

Anyway, the point is, we went to this large hypermarket, and went about our ways through the alleys and throwing absolutely unnessary stuffs into the trolley. And when that's done, we gather up the purchases and headed to the loo before getting to the car.

A bit of information overload, but while I was waiting for him and jaga-ing thr stuff, I looked at the throngs of people getting about their business and paying for their puchases, when suddenly a thought came into my mind.

"Now, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy this if I've chosen the other option".

To say that I was surprised and taken aback by my own thoughts seems impossible. But that thought made me remember (at that moment of time), the calmness and happiness that I have felt right at that moment. I am able to bask and enjoy what life has bring me on that day. How a simple shopping trip has made it all better.

But right after that moment, a sense of fear overcome me. A sudden rush of dread and fright on how all these can change at a blink of an eye. Instead of that moment of happiness that I wanted to remember, I keep remembering the panic reaction that I so want to forget. The fear that all could change in a second, and how I could wake up the next day losing everything.

look what surrounds you now
more than you ever dreamed
have you forgotten just how hard it used to be
so whats it going to take for you to realize
it all could go away in one blink of an eye
it happens all the time

Its true isnt it. We, or at least I dwell so much into that small minute bad part of our lives that we constantly forget the best part about it. How it all go vanishing in a second and our worst case scenario is really understated.

I fear.

I fear for the worst.

In fact, I constantly fear for the worst so much so I want things to happen faster so that by the time it comes, I would have experienced it all. All the good things in life before it lashes back all to me in all its fury.

The worst has yet to come.

And I live day to day, waking up, thanking God for yesterday as it did not happen, and praying to him that it will not happen today.

Everyday I go to sleep, breathing a sigh of relief. And everyday I wake up, wandering it is today.

I live my life in fear. Do you?

28/04/2007

Isn’t it funny how sometimes you forgot that people talk?

How you forgot that the people that you gossiped to are good friends with each other?

I don’t have to do anything, yet people still find out about the truth about you.

*chuckle*

The best part is the “legacy” you left behind…

Salvation, perhaps?

A glimmer of hope, probably.

What goes around comes around..

:)

22/4/2007

I'm tired.

Keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this.

And it feels better. Much better.

It is good to be home.

Been feeling miserable the whole week already. Been keeping the anger and frustration in. Been thinking that it is not worth it. Been seeing the whole thing repeats itself. Been thinking of the uncertainties. Been irrirated as I am not able to do anything about it. Been so discourage after being told what's in store for future.

This is my venting space afterall.

WHERE IS THE FREAKING DINASOUR!?!

On the other hand, here's a picture of lasagna. No, I am not turning this into a food blog. And I rarely order this kinda stuff. But the smell of it, brings me back to my uni days. The cheezy smell reminds me of the days when I used to buy frozen lasagna and heat it up for dinner.

The smell transported me back to my apartment. When its dark and quiet, our empty living room, our backyard (?), the clothes line, the purple TV, the blue beanbag, the rough carpet, the white plactic dining table and chairs, the white phone,...

My room, my fire-engine mattress, my wodden cupboard, my desk.

When the lasagna arrived, I scoped it up and inhale the cheezy aroma.

And for a few seconds, I've forgotten it all.

Unfortunately, life goes on.

11/04/07

I know I jinx it with the March post.

If talking about it is the only way to make it go away, so be it.

Stonehead's new secretary resigned after a month working with him.

Bear in mind she has a fantastically high salary for her position and she is a matured lady with EXPERIENCE in secretarial work.

And yet, she only lasted a month.

Goes to prove that I am not the only one having problems with him.

And so, after news of her resignation, guess who has been roped in to assist while they look for replacement??

And you know how it feels?

It feels like after walking for so long in a dark and endless corner, just when I found a torchlight to help me walk better, I've been asked to drop it and walk back the other way.

Really, I absolutely hate him. I have no problem at all with doing the secretarial work. Its how he shows up in the office when he told everyone that he would not be around, and how he cancels meetings that he demands to be set up. Absolutely no trust to his people and creeps around the office hoping to catch us slacking. And how he yells at you about the changes of the meetings in front of everyone, and cheekily admits "Oh, I might have forgotten to inform her afterall..." when confronted. How he goes around saying everyone here is doing useless things, and is like "a prostitute who openes her legs when told". How he wants to control every single thing. How he brainwash you into thinking you are in for a good thing when he practice cold storage system.

There is nothing personal about the job, but it is personal when it comes to him.

Yup, absolutely personal.

And oh yea, apparently, I just found out that if one were to render resignation within 24 hours notice, it means last day on the day of tender.

:)

March 2007

I’ve been trying to write about March.
How it brings good news, one after another.
How it offers challenges, one after another.
How it ends uncertainties, one after another.
How it shows confidence, one after another.
How it paves ways/options, one after another.
How it keeps me happy everyday, one after another.

Comparatively,
To say it’s a great month, seems too boring.
To say it’s a fantastic month, seems too mild.
To say it’s an eventful month, seems too meek.
To say it’s a suprising month, seems too peaceful.
To say it’s an amazing month, seems too ‘Discovery’.
To say it’s a fabulous…

Yeap, that’s it.

March was one heck of a FABULOUS month!

Ms Lo

After six years of knowing you,
Five agonizing days,
Four hours of driving,
Three shops,
Two private hospital,
One doctor,...

I never know I could be so happy to see you.