Being thankful vs. Denial

2nd day into my offday.

Spent the whole day watching tv and recuperating from a day-long shopping yesterday. And also to take my mind off on my credit card bills.

And to imagine i just cleared it in Dec, dumping a good 5k into it to zerorise it and now its back up to 2k already! Damn AirAsia!

Its been good. Got a few things up in my mind. Cant help but to think perhaps only when i'm back in kl do I have the time and peace to think about all these things.

And yesterday, I got a suprising news from a very distant cousin who got married just days ago! And what suprised me even more is my reaction to it. I was very happy for him, and at the same time, I didnt get depressed after I hear the news! Which is a change really, considering the fact that I usually get very worked up everytime I hear people getting married.

There were some issues that I managed to talk it out with my mum yesterday. And I guess it was good as it made me feel a lot better. And I guess thinking back, to be thankful and be grateful for what I have brings me back to reality.

Oh well, I dont know how long this feeling will last. I cant seemed to tell the difference between being grateful/thankful and being in denial. I get very confused over this fact many times. On days that I'm thankful for things helps me looked on the brighter sides of depressing days. But sometimes when I'm down again, I realized that it was there all along and while I am okay living and thinking positively about it, I'm back to feeling sad.

That is why I'm trying to figure out what is the difference between these two things? I dont like living in denial, and sometimes, I'd rather feel the pain than to push it away. And I know I do that, I push the negative things away. But pushing the negative things away is just gonna make it bounce back harder you know?

Like a pendulum, I mentioned earlier. I just swirl back and forth over things.

I know I sound very depressed, but I'm not. I guess I just have time to say these things out when I'm away from the hill.

And perhaps will have more time to think about these things with the mobility of a laptop???

Hehehe...

Pendulum

Except for factors that we cannot control (such as miserable bosses), I am happy.

I am happy at how things are going. Of course there are ups and downs, but isnt that what life is all about?

We are humans afterall, and for those who says "I absolutely agree" to the statement "I am never envious of anyone", they are lying (it is a statement from a pychometric test).

Like I said many times, being perfect is a defect itself. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

Someone told me recession is gonna hit 2008. And that throws my plan completely out of whack.

And I meet a nice stranger whom I exchanged number with. The first time I did that was years ago when she turned out to be a direct selling person who was just soliciting contacts. And I still remember being disappointed and that is when I lost hope at genuine friendship. Someone once told me, every friendship is a business opportunity. It saddens me. And makes me wander if this second encounter with this situation will be the same. I am sure to hear from her in the matter of days asking when to go out yamcha.

Why am I feeling so defensive and disappointed out of the sudden? That the sudden act of concern and care would have an interior motive? Or perhaps I am not used to this act of friendliness that I immediately brand it as something fishy?

I would be one to admit that I sucks at keeping in touch. And I hate it when friends who does make it look like I'm at wrong. I calls only once in a blue moon, and that also is because I'm probably around your area or I needed help for something. Yea, I know some of you may frown at my actions but at least I am being frank. And no lecture on how I should act like you please.

I'm turning 26 this year. Crap. But I am happier than ever. Yes, there are many uncertainties that still needs to be ironed out, but still, I keep reminding myself that I could be in situations worst that I could be in now. And that makes me grateful. That makes me appreciate what I have. That makes me thankful for how things works out. Screw those people who thinks highly of themselves and make the rest looks horrible just because the rest are not doing what they are doing.

But are they? Perhaps it is just me who keep thinking that the rest of the world is out to get me. To think that they are envious of me but in fact, I am the one envious of them. To think that I am happy but in fact I'm in denial.

I've read somewhere that people like me are like pendulum. We can think both sides of the story. But our minds sways from one extreme to the other so much so that it drives us crazy as we cannot decide which sides we are on. So, times like this I am on the "everything is alright" side. And I am sure by the time I hit the sack, I will be on the "everything is NOT alright" side. And when I'm awake and watching tv, I'll be back on my "everything is alright" side again.

Are there hope for people like me?

On a lighter note, I'm back home for three days after three weeks of work.

I need this. Badly.

5th anniversary

5th of Jan came and went. I still remember that I was particularly busy that day, and it is only on the 6th of Jan morning, did I suddenly realized that the day has past.

Me: I suddenly realized, 5th of Jan is yesterday.

Him: Yea.

Me: I was so busy yesterday that I completely forgot all about it.

Him: Yea.

Me: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Him: I don't know.

I had in mind what I want to do. Now it is just the matter of finding the right time, the right spot and the right location to get it done.

Note to self: Must do before the year ends. Otherwise, it is not valid anymore.

20/1/2007

And its been good.

I'm tired, but I'm back home. And that is all that matters.

:)

15/01/2007

I've been bitten by the AirAsia bug!

1) Kota Kinabalu in June,
2) Bangkok in September, and
3) Chiang Mai in October!

:)

12/01/2007

Just a quick update.

Came back from a two-day course in KL. Stayed in Coronade Hotel, Jln Bukit Bintang. Had a wonderful time! It is so convineant to shop at Sungei Wang right till the shops closed and then dont have to worry about traffic jams cause the hotel is just right opposite! Meet up with a friend who stayed nearby and catch up with her a bit. Training was alright, and now i'm back up at work. Gonna have a difficult week ahead as I'll be alone up here.

:) I'll be alright. I CHOOSE TO BE ALRIGHT!

8/01/2007

It is always not good when I blog when I’m angry…

Why? Because I’ll end up saying things I do not mean to say. But today is really the "cannot tahan' day liao. So here goes…

He ignores you but you still die die also wants him back as a friend.

You ask me to do the one thing I’ve explained many many times why I don’t want to do. And I said, maybe but I will not promise.

And then you show temper and tell me I AM NOT DOING WHAT A FRIEND SHOULD BE DOING?

Wow…

And you, what good is a lavish wedding when you avoids people whom you still owes money?

Somemore dare to say about being matured when you are a coward for not facing your problems.

Both of you, you two win lor.

6/01/2007

I’ve heard of his name before I saw him. And since, I shudder whenever I hear his name.

But today, after much delay, I finally get to talk to him face to face.

And it was everything I expected it to be. Worst case scenario.

Kena, left right centre, straight direct from the Mr Bull.

I think I need at least two days to recuperate…

Excerpt - Life after 512

Dec 28th, 2006

Come 5th January, it would be five years.

What should I do to honour this special day?

Godzilla

If everyone in the office is resigning because of a stupid boss, does it means that they are cowards and cannot handle problems maturely, or is it because it is better to leave to find a happier job?

I’d like to think that it is a challenge to work with these stoneheads, and I should not leave just because I cannot tolerate them. But if it makes you miserable, redundant, unproductive and demotivated, how long can you last?

And if three of your bossess left (Original boss resigned, replaced by another one who subsequently resigned, just to be replaced by a third one who ALSO resigns, all in the span of less than two years), what does this tells you?

If we wake up everyday, praying that there will be a dinasaur appearing and swallowing him whole, does it justifies the sacrifice that we are making?

Where is the bloody Godzilla when you need it?

25/12/2006

I've got not one, but TWO new specs!

On normal days, I'll look like this...

When I'm off work, I morph into this..

Lydia Sum-look-alike!

Me: (looking at the optical shop salesperson) So, do you wear specs?
Him: No, I don't.
Me: Do you wear contact then?
Him: No, I don't wear contact either.
Me: So you dont wear specs/contacts at all but you are selling them?
Him: Yes, but I know enough from customers on their needs and requirements on our products.
Me: -_-" (looking at another salesperson who is wearing specs) Hi, erm, can you help make sure my mum's new specs fits her perfectly?

Would you buy insurance from an insurance agent who doesnt buy any insurance himself?

Merry Christmas

Alright, I've migrated to the new version liao, but being the idiot I am, it'll take me sometime before I can figure out the rest of it...

This year, I am bitten badly by the Christmas bug. And while at home after attending a birthday-cum-christmas party with family and relatives, I couldnt help but think of the lack of Christmas shopping and ambiance this year. Although this is the year that I had spend the most buying presents (in fact, i think this is the first year I really buy anything at all), I'm done with the shopping in less than two hours (very hectic schedule). I suddenly missed being in Metrojaya and wished I was there to listen to the calming christmas songs. I havent had my dose of the commercialized Christmas songs yet!

Then few more days later we will usher in 2007. This year has been an uneventfulyear for me. Thank god that my family is healthy and safe. New year resolution for 2006? I knew I promised to work my buff off, unfortunately, I didn't. But I did manage to hit my target for my savings though. Which gave me a new motivation to do better for year 2007. Have to reconsider some of my priorities, but i think with discipline, I'll be able to match the figure, perhaps doing even better.

Just a short update for now. I'll end with one of my favourite Christmas songs lyrics, singing the song in my head with my eyes closed, wishing I could be where I want to be right now...

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.

And have yourself
A merry little Christmas now

P/s I dont know how to post mp3s/videos up. Anyone to teach?

Impulse shopping

Impulse buying is when you literally buy everything you lay your hands on…

But what if the item is still stuck to your mind days, sometimes even weeks AFTER you saw it on display??? The fact that it cost a few hundred dollars is the reason you didn’t buy it the first time around. But what if you go back home, sit around STILL thinking of it, and began to do some mental calculation in your head, and figured that you can still afford it after all!!!

These are what I have in mind…

1) A wedding dress
No, I’m not getting married yet. And I always thought that I would have prefer a much more elaborate design as a wedding gown. Anything strapless, simple wouldn’t do for me. It must be LOUD, BOLD and OUTRAGEOUS, or at least, I thought so. Until I chance upon this dress in a thrift shop. The vertical design in gold looks beautiful and stunning. I saw this dress last week, took a picture, and I’m still thinking about it. I still don’t understand why I am attracted to this simple dress. Price? My guess is a few hundreds, probably secondhand since its in a thrift shop. And to own a wedding dress instead of renting. Why not?

2) Gold GUESS pump shoes
Well, I’ve never owned anything super expensive or designer (except my 2k phone lah). And after doing much calculation with this year’s bonus, I might just be able to afford this RM400++ GUESS gold pump shoes. Its high heel meets my standard and its not that uncomfortable. Tried it on at one of the boutiques, and looks very nice. Looking at my collection of pump shoes, is another pair gold pump shoes necessary? And it will look absolutely beautiful with the dress above, certainly a plus point!

3) VIAO Sony laptop
Well, as you know, mine died-ed on me months ago. And I have yet to get it fixed. And it is way past its due date. Although I don’t really need a laptop, but out of these three items, probably this one is the most expensive but also the most useful. I like the look and the weight, and I don’t really care about the specs cause I’m stupid and easily convinced by just the looks. I only need it for normal administration work and to online. Last I heard, its close to 6-7k. Seriously not within my reach, but there is Easy Payment right?

On the other hand, what I REALLY REALLY NEED is a new pair of specs. Mine is a few years old and out of shape. I wear it every single day and you'd think it would have been on my top priority to get it changed. Perhaps I would have to literally break it apart with my bare hands so I wouldnt have another excuse to delay.

Now, what should I do with my bonus...?

12/12/2006

Wishlist?

Deep down I had wanted to travel more. To be able to travel around the world to experience the culture. To discover the various places on own own and not just the normal organized trips.

But I know we can't do that. We don't have that kinda time and money. Unfortunately, being an employee does not allow us to simply take 3 months off work to travel. There are bills to settle and people to take care of.

Suddenly, I feel like I am having a middle-age crisis. What happended to my youth? What happened to the times when I can wear those la-la tops? How come I am living a life planning for a future that I cannot imagine? Where are the holidays to all these places that I am supposed to go experience? Why isnt there any freedom from work at all? What happended to "Hidup Hanya Sementara"? What happened to the "just the two of us" life? How come I've never gone out as much as my friends do? How come my parents never had more children so that I dont feel so guilty leaving them behind? Why are things so messed up anyway?

Yea yea, I am just rambling away... I have so many issues in me that sometimes when I am alone, it comes back to haunt me. These are the times when I do not think rationally and emotions takes over.

Life is absolutely ridiculous right now. And at this moment, if you had asked me "Would you have done it differently?", I had an urge to say, "Yes". Life is reality and reality hurts. The grass is always greener on the other side, but is it not? This phrase is my lifesaver. Yes, the grass over there may be greener but no one ever mentioned of the expensive weed-killer. Naive people would believe it. Go-getter would go get it. And well, people like me, we just make the most out of what we have. I can't blame anyone if I choose to be contented with what I have right?

Perhaps I am in this tug-of-war situation. The logical side of me stayed grounded with the best possible choice, but the other side of me is just yelling to get out. Neah, it will never happened. Entertaining doubts is what drives me crazy sometimes, but still, one bird in hand is better than two birds in tree.

And I bloody hate it when people thinks that they are more superior than others. Irritates me to no end.

11/12/2006

I'm back...

Had a difficult and long weekend after some unfortunate events in the office. Talked about it, cried about it, seek advise on it, and now ready to put it behind me. Unless of course, if matters gets out of hand, I'll deal with it.

Came back from a friend's wedding dinner. Realized that I havent taken any nice pictures for some time, hence the old and outdated pictures in Friendster.

I am tired and stressed out, and have things planned on Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday.

Figured I'll be back work even more stressed.

9/12/2006

I shall not waste my time dealing with a brainless person like you.

Despite that, I am mad at myself because I have stupidly forget that there is no way we could be friends.

And to befriend a calculative and chauvinistic pig like you, it is my fault in the first place.

I have no one to blame but myself.

P/s: Why? Backstabbed me then shy to talk to me ah? Guilty ah?

P/P/s: I am the QUEEN of PRETENDERS!

I wander...

I wander…

When I was in primary school, I remembered once there was young couple driving a car with the emergency lights on. I remembered them because they were driving quite recklessly and was causing a jam. I peered into the car and the man was in a hurry and he has an anxious look on his face. By now, he was pressing the honk while driving. Then I realized the woman sitting next to him was pregnant and seems to be in labour! They then drove off… I wander how they are doing now…

When I was in secondary school, our class organized a day trip to a nearby old folks home. I remembered we have to walk to the home carrying the stuff that we were going to give away. The home was very run down. It was on top on shop lots. Now knowing what to do, we started to talk to the residents randomly. I remembered a grandma that we talked to. She has Alzheimer and it seems like she has an extremely short memory span. She kept repeating the story of how she got the scars on her fingers. She kept saying, ‘I accidentally poured hot water to my hand…” And the moment she finished that sentence, she repeat it again. And again. And again. And that is all she talks about. I wander how she did after we left…

Once when Des and I were in Langkawi holidaying during our college days, we were in a restaurant enjoying our seafood dinner. I look out and remembered seeing a few tourists crossing the street to get to their bus. Then, I heard a screeching sound and a bang. We peered closely and saw a white shirt man lying on the street. A group of people started screaming (probably the same group). Traffic slowed down and people starting slowly carrying him into a car. Then they drove off. I remembered saying,” My, what a sad thing to happen when you are holidaying…” I wander how he is now…

When I was studying in Australia, I had culture shock the first few weeks. Foodcourt to us is a variety of cuisine; Malay, Chinese, Indian and Western. Foodcourt to them; McD, KFC, Pizza Hut, Burger King. Jaya Jusco’ cashiers are quiet, K-Mart cashiers greets us “How are you” nonchalantly. Back home, everyone looked vastly different, although Asian, everyone has its own distinct look. Down in Australia, all the Aussie girls looked the same (blond, fair, freckled and big-sized). They all looked so matured with their height. Heck, their 17 yrs looked like 25! I remembered feeling young and thin (I lost weight there cause I don’t like milk, cheese, potato and bread, which is the staple diet there) Hehe… Its been more than three years since I came back, but once in a while, I’ll remember the people there and wander how they are now…

When I was training as a croupier in the casino, I came across many types of people. But there were this particular young man that I remembered. If he had kept his mouth shut, he looks kinda handsome really. But unfortunately, he was loud, very LOUD. But, he was never rude to us. We had customers yelling profanities to our family members, but his choice of words were directed to the cards/games. Its different you know? We nicknamed him “Fried rice man”, because he always says, “Girl, if I win money, I’ll treat you to fried rice, okay?” Now, all of us figured that “fried rice” obviously has another meaning behind it, probably a crude meaning anyway. After my pontoon stint, I never saw him again. I prayed hard that I will never see him again also. But I wander, how is he doing now?

:)

Excerpt - Life after 512

Two weeks ago…

I wandered what is wrong…

I finally told you what I have been thinking all along. And though it has been two days ago, I still wakes up feeling things are different…

As I tossed and turned on my bed yesterday night, I couldn’t help thinking whether I’d just made things worst. I dunno why, but I just can’t shake it off.

I guessed the reason I never wanted to tell you about this is because I knew it will forced us both to remember and to act on it. And that is exactly what happened. Now that you knew and you remembered, did I just push everything to “start” happenning?

I had thought I could handle it on my own. And if I kept quiet about it long enough, it will go away.

But it keeps coming back.

“It is a harsh reminder of what happened everytime people talked about it…”

I am very brutal and frank when friends come to me when they are in middle of a crisis. I will force the truth into them and bare all for them to see and judge for themselves.

And two days ago I realized why. Cause deep down I’m not acknowleging the truth myself. Finding ways to let others see their truth is just something I do unconsiously. Its because of the build up in frustration and pressure that I had, causing me to unconciously channel it to another person. Because I won’t look at the truth myself, I had hoped to release the tension by ‘helping’ others see their truth, though sometimes in a brutal manner.

“I just want to get back what I lost years ago…”

Yea, I guess I need assurance. And a date.

Poem/Pantun

Angry… very very angry…

Irritating, frustrating, annoying
Three emotions you had me feeling
Agony, misery and torment
Three emotions I curse you, unless you repent…

Geram, marah, bosan
Tiga emosi ku perasan
Sengsara, dukacita, derita
Tiga emosi ku sumpah, lainkan mu menyesal, ORANG DUA MUKA!

Benci… betul betul benci…

02/12/2006

Feeling very blah at the moment...

But good times ahead! :)