Impulse shopping

Impulse buying is when you literally buy everything you lay your hands on…

But what if the item is still stuck to your mind days, sometimes even weeks AFTER you saw it on display??? The fact that it cost a few hundred dollars is the reason you didn’t buy it the first time around. But what if you go back home, sit around STILL thinking of it, and began to do some mental calculation in your head, and figured that you can still afford it after all!!!

These are what I have in mind…

1) A wedding dress
No, I’m not getting married yet. And I always thought that I would have prefer a much more elaborate design as a wedding gown. Anything strapless, simple wouldn’t do for me. It must be LOUD, BOLD and OUTRAGEOUS, or at least, I thought so. Until I chance upon this dress in a thrift shop. The vertical design in gold looks beautiful and stunning. I saw this dress last week, took a picture, and I’m still thinking about it. I still don’t understand why I am attracted to this simple dress. Price? My guess is a few hundreds, probably secondhand since its in a thrift shop. And to own a wedding dress instead of renting. Why not?

2) Gold GUESS pump shoes
Well, I’ve never owned anything super expensive or designer (except my 2k phone lah). And after doing much calculation with this year’s bonus, I might just be able to afford this RM400++ GUESS gold pump shoes. Its high heel meets my standard and its not that uncomfortable. Tried it on at one of the boutiques, and looks very nice. Looking at my collection of pump shoes, is another pair gold pump shoes necessary? And it will look absolutely beautiful with the dress above, certainly a plus point!

3) VIAO Sony laptop
Well, as you know, mine died-ed on me months ago. And I have yet to get it fixed. And it is way past its due date. Although I don’t really need a laptop, but out of these three items, probably this one is the most expensive but also the most useful. I like the look and the weight, and I don’t really care about the specs cause I’m stupid and easily convinced by just the looks. I only need it for normal administration work and to online. Last I heard, its close to 6-7k. Seriously not within my reach, but there is Easy Payment right?

On the other hand, what I REALLY REALLY NEED is a new pair of specs. Mine is a few years old and out of shape. I wear it every single day and you'd think it would have been on my top priority to get it changed. Perhaps I would have to literally break it apart with my bare hands so I wouldnt have another excuse to delay.

Now, what should I do with my bonus...?

12/12/2006

Wishlist?

Deep down I had wanted to travel more. To be able to travel around the world to experience the culture. To discover the various places on own own and not just the normal organized trips.

But I know we can't do that. We don't have that kinda time and money. Unfortunately, being an employee does not allow us to simply take 3 months off work to travel. There are bills to settle and people to take care of.

Suddenly, I feel like I am having a middle-age crisis. What happended to my youth? What happened to the times when I can wear those la-la tops? How come I am living a life planning for a future that I cannot imagine? Where are the holidays to all these places that I am supposed to go experience? Why isnt there any freedom from work at all? What happended to "Hidup Hanya Sementara"? What happened to the "just the two of us" life? How come I've never gone out as much as my friends do? How come my parents never had more children so that I dont feel so guilty leaving them behind? Why are things so messed up anyway?

Yea yea, I am just rambling away... I have so many issues in me that sometimes when I am alone, it comes back to haunt me. These are the times when I do not think rationally and emotions takes over.

Life is absolutely ridiculous right now. And at this moment, if you had asked me "Would you have done it differently?", I had an urge to say, "Yes". Life is reality and reality hurts. The grass is always greener on the other side, but is it not? This phrase is my lifesaver. Yes, the grass over there may be greener but no one ever mentioned of the expensive weed-killer. Naive people would believe it. Go-getter would go get it. And well, people like me, we just make the most out of what we have. I can't blame anyone if I choose to be contented with what I have right?

Perhaps I am in this tug-of-war situation. The logical side of me stayed grounded with the best possible choice, but the other side of me is just yelling to get out. Neah, it will never happened. Entertaining doubts is what drives me crazy sometimes, but still, one bird in hand is better than two birds in tree.

And I bloody hate it when people thinks that they are more superior than others. Irritates me to no end.

11/12/2006

I'm back...

Had a difficult and long weekend after some unfortunate events in the office. Talked about it, cried about it, seek advise on it, and now ready to put it behind me. Unless of course, if matters gets out of hand, I'll deal with it.

Came back from a friend's wedding dinner. Realized that I havent taken any nice pictures for some time, hence the old and outdated pictures in Friendster.

I am tired and stressed out, and have things planned on Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday.

Figured I'll be back work even more stressed.

9/12/2006

I shall not waste my time dealing with a brainless person like you.

Despite that, I am mad at myself because I have stupidly forget that there is no way we could be friends.

And to befriend a calculative and chauvinistic pig like you, it is my fault in the first place.

I have no one to blame but myself.

P/s: Why? Backstabbed me then shy to talk to me ah? Guilty ah?

P/P/s: I am the QUEEN of PRETENDERS!

I wander...

I wander…

When I was in primary school, I remembered once there was young couple driving a car with the emergency lights on. I remembered them because they were driving quite recklessly and was causing a jam. I peered into the car and the man was in a hurry and he has an anxious look on his face. By now, he was pressing the honk while driving. Then I realized the woman sitting next to him was pregnant and seems to be in labour! They then drove off… I wander how they are doing now…

When I was in secondary school, our class organized a day trip to a nearby old folks home. I remembered we have to walk to the home carrying the stuff that we were going to give away. The home was very run down. It was on top on shop lots. Now knowing what to do, we started to talk to the residents randomly. I remembered a grandma that we talked to. She has Alzheimer and it seems like she has an extremely short memory span. She kept repeating the story of how she got the scars on her fingers. She kept saying, ‘I accidentally poured hot water to my hand…” And the moment she finished that sentence, she repeat it again. And again. And again. And that is all she talks about. I wander how she did after we left…

Once when Des and I were in Langkawi holidaying during our college days, we were in a restaurant enjoying our seafood dinner. I look out and remembered seeing a few tourists crossing the street to get to their bus. Then, I heard a screeching sound and a bang. We peered closely and saw a white shirt man lying on the street. A group of people started screaming (probably the same group). Traffic slowed down and people starting slowly carrying him into a car. Then they drove off. I remembered saying,” My, what a sad thing to happen when you are holidaying…” I wander how he is now…

When I was studying in Australia, I had culture shock the first few weeks. Foodcourt to us is a variety of cuisine; Malay, Chinese, Indian and Western. Foodcourt to them; McD, KFC, Pizza Hut, Burger King. Jaya Jusco’ cashiers are quiet, K-Mart cashiers greets us “How are you” nonchalantly. Back home, everyone looked vastly different, although Asian, everyone has its own distinct look. Down in Australia, all the Aussie girls looked the same (blond, fair, freckled and big-sized). They all looked so matured with their height. Heck, their 17 yrs looked like 25! I remembered feeling young and thin (I lost weight there cause I don’t like milk, cheese, potato and bread, which is the staple diet there) Hehe… Its been more than three years since I came back, but once in a while, I’ll remember the people there and wander how they are now…

When I was training as a croupier in the casino, I came across many types of people. But there were this particular young man that I remembered. If he had kept his mouth shut, he looks kinda handsome really. But unfortunately, he was loud, very LOUD. But, he was never rude to us. We had customers yelling profanities to our family members, but his choice of words were directed to the cards/games. Its different you know? We nicknamed him “Fried rice man”, because he always says, “Girl, if I win money, I’ll treat you to fried rice, okay?” Now, all of us figured that “fried rice” obviously has another meaning behind it, probably a crude meaning anyway. After my pontoon stint, I never saw him again. I prayed hard that I will never see him again also. But I wander, how is he doing now?

:)

Excerpt - Life after 512

Two weeks ago…

I wandered what is wrong…

I finally told you what I have been thinking all along. And though it has been two days ago, I still wakes up feeling things are different…

As I tossed and turned on my bed yesterday night, I couldn’t help thinking whether I’d just made things worst. I dunno why, but I just can’t shake it off.

I guessed the reason I never wanted to tell you about this is because I knew it will forced us both to remember and to act on it. And that is exactly what happened. Now that you knew and you remembered, did I just push everything to “start” happenning?

I had thought I could handle it on my own. And if I kept quiet about it long enough, it will go away.

But it keeps coming back.

“It is a harsh reminder of what happened everytime people talked about it…”

I am very brutal and frank when friends come to me when they are in middle of a crisis. I will force the truth into them and bare all for them to see and judge for themselves.

And two days ago I realized why. Cause deep down I’m not acknowleging the truth myself. Finding ways to let others see their truth is just something I do unconsiously. Its because of the build up in frustration and pressure that I had, causing me to unconciously channel it to another person. Because I won’t look at the truth myself, I had hoped to release the tension by ‘helping’ others see their truth, though sometimes in a brutal manner.

“I just want to get back what I lost years ago…”

Yea, I guess I need assurance. And a date.

Poem/Pantun

Angry… very very angry…

Irritating, frustrating, annoying
Three emotions you had me feeling
Agony, misery and torment
Three emotions I curse you, unless you repent…

Geram, marah, bosan
Tiga emosi ku perasan
Sengsara, dukacita, derita
Tiga emosi ku sumpah, lainkan mu menyesal, ORANG DUA MUKA!

Benci… betul betul benci…

02/12/2006

Feeling very blah at the moment...

But good times ahead! :)

Long forgotten...

Few days ago, I chanced upon a long forgotten box. I half expected it to be empty when I reached for it. Imagine my surprise when it was heavy. I opened the box and was amazed to find these…

It contains:
Letters I don’t remember receiving
Penpals I don’t remember having
Gifts I don’t remember owning
Names I don’t remember knowing
Postcards I don’t remember writing
Cards I don’t remember getting

Most of the stuffs dates back to secondary school and college. I rummaged through the pile and gingerly opened every single of the letters. I didn’t read them, mostly just scanning for the author of the letters. The amazement I felt when I struggled to recognize the letters and to recall the people who wrote them. There were letters received when I was in a “penpal” phase and the friends I made during my short stint in Langkawi, most of whom I do not keep in touch anymore. There were names in the letters telling me about their updates back then that I cannot put a face to. An attendance card of sort, to mark our whereabouts in the college. Then there were cards that meant so much to me but stashed away, long forgotten. Then there were this little necklace, a gift that until today I have no idea what it meant. There were colourful envelopes from friends who are creative and long letters that I appreciate a lot.

The sudden feeling of exhilaration when the memories came gushing in…

25/11/2006

Count your blessings, No more complaints...

Count your blessings, Do not complain...

Count your blessings, Stop complaining...!!!

Current Satisfaction

I guess with reference to the previous entry, one would have guessed that I am a materialistic person.

I admit I am not a “big picture” person. I seek current satisfaction and I find solace in material things. Instead of braving it out for a better time ahead (bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian), I seek comfort on current satisfaction to help me get by. Instead of giving up everything to achieve a goal in future, I need some pick-me-up moments to help me reach that goal.

But does this mean I cannot work towards a future or achieve certain goals in my life? Not really. But then again, I am a person who is very easy to please. Current satisfaction matters most and perhaps it’s with this, that I am less incline to have super big ambitions. I need shorter goals or tangible things to look forward to. I am brought up in a middle income family background, and being me, I am contented to work for the rest of my life and enjoying life little surprises along the way. Less risk, less return perhaps, but I am happy.

Or am I?

I suppose by now you would also know that money is important to me. Save those “money not important, health is” or “money cannot buy happiness” to yourself. I respect the way you think but don’t condemn me. Money IS important because we need that to survive. Money cannot ensure health but it certainly can PAY the medical bills (plus, people are getting sick nowadays not of work, but over many other factors). Money cannot buy happiness but it can REDUCE our depression and stress by settling our bills/debts/savings. Being in the middle income group, money plays a very important role because we need it to match our daily expenses.

Financial stability is what we seek before we pursue other bigger matters in our life.

And now at 25, I am struggling between my current satisfaction craving and the desire to seek this financial stability in life. I admit I am changing as a more mature person and taking steps closer towards this long term goal in life. However, the price to pay is me and my current satisfaction. I need time to evolve. Changing overnight or changing for the sake of someone else will make me miserable person. And at 25, I’d know better than to do that. Instead, striving to change for ME is the power.

I can only change to become a better person if I want to.

And I am working towards it.

Lucky you if you have a rich partner. And for the rest of us, a toast to our choices, our partners and teamwork.

You go get the car and the house. And I’ll get the savings okay? :)

19/11/2006

Issues/things that irritates me...

No holiday to look forward to, Stonehead, my hair, no Astro in my room, not able to plan for future, people getting married/having kids, not having my car back, Group A, waking up early for work, headache, my wardrobe, rain, The City of Entertainment itself (really)

Issues/things that helps keep me sane...

My shoes, my credit cards, my savings, my new watch, my ring, my 650 Panadols, my handphone, 2008, Group D, reality shows

I think I am a sarcastic person in nature. Thinking back, in college/uni, I was blaberring "oh yes har!?!" at everything that I hear. And now that I am working, it evolved into a more positive and enthusiatic "Can, can, can also..."

Even my swear phrases has evolved, from "What the, what the!?!" to "What f**k!?!" and the straightforward "F**K". Sometimes, it will be a tone downed version of "CRAP", or "Absolute/total crap..." Think I used to swear a lot back in college/uni as well, but cant seem to recall the phrases...

No big deal, just talking crap to perhaps satisfy some of the PMS cravings of being frank. Think I have loads of issues to deal with. Which makes me wander, if these werent properly address, I wander if it will turn out to be like a long old couple in a marriage? In the beginning there may be a high level of tolerance of all these issues, but as years past by, it will slowly but surely surface and then it will path ways for resentment?

Interesting.

And my room is on the 12th floor.

18/11/2006

Be very careful... I am PMS-ing.

I have a huge longing for lots of cream puffs, another shopping spree and a short hairdo.

One wrong move, and I will be out to get all three.

By the way, guess what I found when I borrowed this book from the library?

13/11/2006

Escape - Desire to find a way out of a situation or circumstances. A signal that one can escape the thing feared. Confidence that one can overcome problems and enemies.

I am ready.

10/11/2006

In anticipation of a terrible day today, I went out yesterday evening after work determined to have a good relaxing time.

And I did.

1) A call from a long lost friend (he had to call my mum to ask for my hp #!)
2) Marinated beef ribs for dinner
3) The sweetest and creamiest cream puffs for dessert
4) A nice long walk around the neighbourhood and mall
5) A cheap lovely watch
6) A nice yamcha with an estranged friend (yes, estranged, though it is good knowing that despite what happened, we all can still be civil to each other and have a good chat).

A splendid evening, indeed.

A dream...

I had a dream this morning.

I dream of running away again. But this time its different. Instead of running away and being chased, I was already caught this time. Instead my dream started with me escaping. This time, I managed to escape. Nobody was chasing me. It was raining and I was escaping and running away in my pajamas. Also, this time, I knew where I was going. And so I ran and ran to that place.

Nobody was following me. When I arrived, I was tired and that place was packed with people. Somehow or rather, I went looking for someone, and he appeared. I tried to explain and he immediately took me in. He showed me upstairs and told me to rest. I closed my eyes feeling so safe. He reached out to touch my eyes and told me rest.

Then he started to leave. I immediately jumped up cause I don’t want him to leave and to be left alone. Then we started to pack things into my car and I prepared to leave. Before I could say thank you and goodbye, I woke up…

I woke up still sensing the feeling that I felt. That feeling is indescribable, the feeling of being loved, being cared for and knowing that I am now safe. A sudden rush of exhilaration and happiness that could only happen in dreams. Not to say that I’ve never felt that in life, but in dreams nothing else matters. Unlike in reality where life goes on, dreams give a chance to feel that joy without the repercussion of life. Even though it is for a short time and left me longing for more when I wake up, I’m still glad I feel that way.

But why is the dream different this time around?

Why? Why??

See see, that was the exact reason why i dont read books. Now they are doing it on TV too???

Sigh, just saw the last episode of Kevin Hill. So sad and to make it worst, that was the last episode for that series. One season only. They took away the baby from him. Then, the story ends there. Sigh...

Dahlah I am still in my Emotional-frappe mode..

Anyway, it reminded me of the fact that nobody is worst than anyone and that I am grateful for it. Despite the fact of what I went through years ago, I know I could be worst. And i guess that is how i manage to get past life and still manage to paddle through.

It is with the thought that no matter what circumstances i am in, I would be worst off. And that helped me feel better and face the challenges bravely. And that helped me accept myself for who i am. And make me realize that although I may be sad for now, I can definately overcome it instead of wallowing in self pity. And that, makes me a very oblivious person.

Recently, I've started to use this as a channel to send messages to people out there. Like i mentioned, the risk is that everyone will start to think that I am talking about/to them. Am I a coward to say things here instead in person? Rest assured that I am merely repeating what I've said here. I know and believe that there is absolutely no point in making references to them if they dont read it the first place. So, believe me, I'm not using this as a cowardly way to tell someone something that I dare not say to their face. Whatever I wrote here, has already been said out loud.

But having said that, please do think twice if you think that I am making reference to you. Cause it could all be just a fraction of your imagination and all these hoohaa may not exist at all. The level of ambiguity is, though somewhat low (well, my picture is up there right?), but my story isn't. Until you know how to tell the difference between the truth and the lie, please take this with a pinch of salt. The manisfestation of one's mind is powerful, but it is only you.

Isn't this what it is all about? Read between the lines, Juls...

I love you.

Closing time

Its such a roller coaster week. Worst than PMS I tell you.

How I know? Cause I just mistaken my handphone as the remote control. I actually pressed my handphone keys while aiming it to the tv. After a few times, i wander why the channel is still the same. Then I realized...

If anyone were to bump into us during our supper time, they would have thought that we were having an argument. Fortunately, the topic is not about us. It is about something else. Though I like the fact that we both can talk and argue about topics we do not agree, but I admit that it is tiring to be discussing the same subject everytime we see each other.

And yes, she did agree that it has nothing to do with me. The car accident has nothing to do with me.

She sheepishedly also admit that she deserved it. She knew I was right.

But it doesnt matter. I was an emotional wreak myself. I cried, i smiled, I yelled, I laughed, it feel like as if all emotions are put into a blender, and the concoction is then poured to my brain.

I havent icq-ed for a very long time. And I chanced upon my "About Me" intro. And I talked about this song. And it was one of my favourite song that I havent heard in a very long time.

Closing Time
Semisonic
(Feeling Strangely Fine)

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

No, it wasnt about you. It is about us. :)

04/11/2006

See, I told you it has nothing to do with me.
And I lied. You asked for it.

If you understands my post, that means its for you.
If you don’t, that means its not for you.

It is very easy to manipulate people’s way of thinking, no? That is the power of blog right? The risk we have to take to allow people to freely interpret the things we wrote.

And that is what makes it fun.

A toast to the past, the present and the future.

Not everything is about you, you know?

Mixed Emotions.

I am very happy for you because you found her.

I am very worried for you because you are upset by the truth.

I am very annoyed with you because you went way overboard.

I am very grateful because I have you.