Books

Last time, when I started on a book, I usually like to finish reading it at one go. Preferably undisturbed. And there were numerous occasions when I was so engrossed with it that I hardly noticed others around. And books were accessible last time, cause I usually rent them and I'll just exchanged it for some other books.

Back then, I also have a lot of time.

Now, its different with this one.

Never have I managed to continue reading a book for 5 consecutive nights (2-3 chapters each night) and still find myself looking forward to read it.

You see, the problem about fiction books is that it tends to have a beginning, a peak, and of course, an ending.

And then, you're left hanging.

The good thing about biography is that the story is real. Of course, there is a beginning, but each chapters brings an equally exciting story and it never ends.

I like the fact that it never ends. Well, of course the book does, but then life still continues.

And the fact that whatever "stories" that the books brings, is REAL, and not just fiction. The love is real, the pain is real, the story as it unfolds, IS REAL. Though of course, i'm sure a lot of dramatization is involved, but then, dont we always dramatize our own life? Yes, we read about abuse everyday, but to read about one's experience, no matter how much excitement we add to the story, an abuse is STILL an abuse. And the emotions that the reader felt when reading, is probably a superbly small percentage of what the author ACTUALLY felt. Isnt that amazing, to know that the book is what life is all about, and not just some fictional story that a person writes to manipulate's the reader.

One of the reasons I stopped reading for a while is that I find the books void of life. So what, at 26, there is NO happily ever after. Though one may feel tingly from the story when everything finally works out, it often left me thinking, what happen AFTER that? And then i realized, cheh, this doesnt exist at all!!!

I'm not good with horror books though. Usually I got lost in the plot and I ended up speed reading through it so that I could get to the ending.

But its different with autobiography. There is no ending. Each chapter represent a mark in the author's life, and in life, there is no ending, regardless whether its a good one. Life goes on.

And I find myself looking forward to spend an hour or so each night, reading up the book. And I know that I dont have to finish it up, cause there isnt an ending to it. Its the life experience that I find so intriguing. Life itself, how it has treated others, and how they tell their side of the story.

And I dont have to lose sleep over reading.

And I've never been in a state where I am STILL interested in the book after 5 days.

*I still havent managed to finished reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Despite all that hype and to think of the things I did to buy it.

I know what is next on my list after this book though. Teri Hatcher's "Burnt Toast and Other Philosophies of Life".

Then I found out that Janice has two more books out, "Everything About Me is Fake... And I'm Perfect" and "Check Please!: Dating, Mating, and Extricating".

Heard about Michael J Fox's Lucky Man, and I'm all excited, but I only have so much time and money!

06/07/2007

Could it be?

How could it be?

How could it be that I am afraid?

Afraid after all these years...

Quietdrive - Time After Time Live

Lyrics

03/07/07

And so again, it is the end of my 4 days off.

Over the weekend, a bunch of us drove down to Melaka to attend a friend's wedding dinner.

It was all fun and good, except for the horrible hot weather.

If its cooler, I'm sure we would have explored the town more and would have gotten more good food.

And I would have enjoyed the satay celup experience more if not for the makeup, corset and the sweltering heat from the pot.

Really lah, NOW i teringin nak makan satay celup :P

Well, the trip that all of us has been talking about for weeks is now over.

What else is there to look forward to?

Well, end of this month there would be a Fraser Hill trip and perhaps also a PD trip.

Gosh, how to work lah, like this???

The heat is really getting into me. It something that I've never gotten used to. Really, is it the high maintenance side of me, or is everywhere generally getting hotter???

On another note, I bought Janice Dickinson's No Lifeguard On Duty. Hope its a good one.

02/07/2007

"...3 weeks..."
"...4 weeks.."

Funny how they both had one thing in common.

Wander if this shows a trend?

No high hopes for this one though...

Good Charlotte - Keep Your Hands Off My Girl

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Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated

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Papa Roach - Scars

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Panic! At the Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies

Bear with me for a while, with all these videos. I've no laptop and no means to download/store my songs, and this is the only way I could (sort of) save a list of the songs I like :)

Fall Out Boy - Thanks for the memories

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29/06/2007

I've successfully manage to keep my bills down to a "clearable" amount every month.

Very happy with it, and suddenly feel like spending it on books.

For some time now, I've had an interest in autobiography. Celebrities from the entertainment industry autobiographies especially.

And the last few books I've bought was those and since I've wanted to get my hands on some others.

Perhaps, with the manageble expenses now, I could kick start my reading habits again?

Acha feat Irwansyah - Ada Cinta

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30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill

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Wanted to watch "The Shining" because of this, but i'm scared shit.

Wanted to read the book instead(?)

Money is not everything, but without money you're nothing!

When I was in primary school, I was given 20 cents as allowance everyday to spend. And everyday without fail, my mum will pack me two slices of bread (either with kaya or peanut butter) and put it in a clear plastic bag for me to take to school.

And everyday without fail, I'll throw it away. Because by the recess time, its soggy and I hate that. Because that, I've grown to hate bread.

But anyway, bread story aside, back to the allowance. So, everyday I'm given 20 cents to buy things to eat at school. And everyday I go to school, standing at the entrance, looking at all the food they were selling (my school canteen is fantastic, like a mini food court i tell you!), glanced at my 20 cent coin, and saw that what was standing between me and the food is the coin.

Lesson #1 Money very important.

So, i still remember, every Tuesday would be my favourite day, because that's when the canteen serves prawn mee, and my 20 cents will get me a small bowl (well that was years ago, and I AM getting old). Other than that, I couldnt afford anything else, because everything else cost more than 20 cents (see, I am not THAT old afterall).

So anyway, moving on, in Year 2 or Year 3, another distant cousin joined my school. And since I was older, I was told to jaga her.

Guess how much she got for allowance each day? RM2!

Yes, I shamelessly admit that at that time, each recess, I took her money to buy things for myself to eat. She also stupidly let me cause I'm older mah. But few days later, I got busted when she told her mum what happended.

Lesson #2 Never borrow money from anyone.

cont'...

27/06/07

This time last year, I was busy shopping because of the bloody Mega Sale. Took me months before I could clear the bills.

Wander if I'll do it again this year.

:)

Speechless, really...

25/07/2007

Given a short amount of time, I can do your job.

But given the same amount of time, you cannot do mine.

Where am I?

(You have to be here to appreciate this!)

Mr. P: Excuse me, where is Resorts World?
We: ...

Blue October - Hate Me

Lyrics

Pictures from my camera phone

Does this picture looks as fake as it can be?

At certain time of the month, whenever I catch a glimpse of this building, I smiled to myself :)

A quiet lobby.

The white background are the pleats from my curtains. Bugs are this big here, I kid you not.

Me.

Skeletons in the closet coming out to play...

Recent news about a school friend who committed suicide due to depression shocked me. When I heard of the news, there are so many questions to ask and yet it is too late.

I guess, every now and then, every one of us will feel down and the monsters and skeletons of our life will come out to haunt us.

And it is the ability to acknowledge them and politely ask them to go back to the closets is what helps us continue to live.

For those who continued to entertain these monsters and skeletons, they will eventually get comfortable and will refuse to go back; hence, they will be haunted with their presence.

I don’t believe in sending them away. Sending them away will only create an opportunity in which one day they will come back and we will be caught in surprise, totally unprepared.

Despite having to hide them, I am more comfortable keeping them in a dark cold place away from everyone, but a place that I know exactly where they are. Yes, once in a while they will be naughty and decides to come out to stretch their legs, but if you are nice to them, they will go back into hiding.

And everyday I live a life, reminded by the fact that they are hiding up there, and live day-by day, grateful that today is not the day that they come out to play.

Even if one fine day, when they do finally get bored and decides to come out of their hiding place for everyone to see and never to hide again, I live my life grateful for what it has been, as I could only hide them for so long.

For my life could have been far worst.

Or perhaps, pessimistically thinking, the worst has yet to come.

Blame game

The day that I blame it all on.

The day when I lie down alone on my bed, wandering what went wrong, I thought of that day.

The day when I cried myself to sleep on cold nights, wandering what happened, I thought of that day.

The day when I felt empty and lonely despite being surrounded by people, wandering what is it that I longed for, I thought of that day.

The day when I longed to be doing what others are doing, wandering when it’s my turn, I thought of that day.

The day when I feel my lowest, wandering if things could be different, I thought of that day.

Then I remembered everything else that happened after that day.

And I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way.

I seem to have a lot of anger inside me. The frustration on the way things are going, the resentment on why things are not happening, the despair on not knowing and the misery on what had happened.

And sometimes, the build up of all these feelings just blow up whenever the bottle is full and a button is pushed.

Of course, on days like these, everything else seems irrelevant.

But when I lie down and listen to a steady soft beat as I slowly fall asleep, I knew nothing was wrong.

The day when my tears were dried with kisses and soft soothing words calmed me, I knew nothing was wrong.

The day when I walked around amidst huge crowd of people and guided by a firm grip by the hand, I knew nothing was wrong.

The day when we sat down and talked about our future after a good meal, I knew nothing was wrong.

The day when I buried my face in a warm familiar hug, I knew nothing was wrong.

Despite driving myself crazy and letting anger take over me, I remind myself of them.

He, who visits his parents separately because they are divorced,
She, who is left alone because he is thousands of miles away,
He, who could not hug her because he could not move,
And she, who is now lifeless, and may she rest in peace.

Though at times when I feel most vunerable, I hope that my anger would help me survive and overcome any obstacles that may come in my way.

070607

I am confused.

And knowing me, I’ll just take a mere second to decide and be done with it.

But not this time.

I want to take a step behind and to be able to see clearly the whole situation.

I didn’t want to make a decision I’ll regret. I’d tend to get too excited over these things and get caught up with the situation that wasting time choosing the inevitable seems unnecessary.

However, I am grateful of this opportunity. It shows me what I could be facings months down in time. The situation would be the same later, its just the matter of now or later.

Yes, the prospect and offer is great, though after some initial calculation, it will not be that much. But then again, I am not sure if this is the most I could get.

Money aside, the prospect is good, and I forsee a lot of work. So much so that I actually doubt if I could deliver. Insecurity clouds over me as I wander if I’m expected to deliver more than I could handle. I

Of course, the thought of returning home looks inviting. But for that, I’ll have to pay the price of being in a long distance relationship and will not be able to spend as much time as we do here. And yes, that is enough for me to reconsider. But it is for a short term. But half a year?

But all these things, its just a matter of time right? If its not now, it would be later, regardless of who is leaving first. And worst case scenario, what if I could never match this?

Which brings me into another concern. A very sensitive issue that I believe we both have not discussed. “Kong chin sheung kam cheng” (Talks about money will hurt relationships). How true is that saying. But at the bottom at my heart, I truly believe he will go far, and that in the end, all will be okay.

The inevitable is bound to happen. Unfortunately, life does not always happen the way we wanted it. Its just a matter of now or later. And I am grateful for this opportunity. I now have more time to weigh all aspects of the decision, instead of waiting for the very last minute.

I have wanted this to be just a test. To see what it feels like and how bad/well it could go. I certainly do not want to jump into decisions quickly. But after four hours, I am tempted to make it a reality instead of just an assessment.

But of course, the Director puts me off but the manager seems very nice. De ja vu, I tell you, cause it is the same stubbornness and old fashion that I see here. And change management is what taking place and I’ve been there all along. Do I want to spend time working with that level of stubbornness again? But of course, ultimately, the challenge lies with me in delivering what he wants and proving him wrong.

Small matter, really.

I’ve a friend, who told me “Don’t you worry about these things. Let it happen naturally, and things will fall in place. Look at me, when I got married, I didn’t thought about owning our own house, and look at me now, three kids and two cars!”

These words has comforted me so much, and I breathe a sigh of relieve and say a silent prayer to HIM to seek for his direction.

Fan switch

Mr. S: (called through the operator) Hello?
We: Reception, how can I help you?
Mr. S: How do I on the fan?
We: Well, you switch it on, sir.
Mr. S: There is no switch.
We: Yes, there is sir. Next to the light switch.
Mr. S: There is no switch.
We: Yes, there is sir. Its the round knob next to the light switch.
Mr. S: (silent) Ah, yes. There is a switch.
We: Alright, sir.
Mr. S: How do I on it?
We: You turn it clockwise, sir.
Mr. S: (silent) Okay.
We: Anything else, sir?
Mr. S: How do I off it?
We: You turn it the other way, sir.
Mr. S: Ah, ok. Thank you.

Semisonic - Closing Time

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Okay, last one. Suddenly in a video frenzy.

Hinder - Better than Me

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Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down

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Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls

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My Chemical Romance - I Dont Love You

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Car Park

In XYZ Hotel's lobby...

Mr. Y: Excuse me, but I cannot find my car.
We: What you mean sir?
Mr. Y: I cannot remember where I park my car.
We: Okay. Do you remember any signs or symbols or colours at the carpark? Is there any fruits or animal symbols?
Mr. Y: Err... (takes a moment to think) No, I dont think there is any symbols. But I know that when I come out of the carpark, I am at ABC Hotel's lobby.
We: ...

Roller Coaster

I'm creating a new section called "Working Life".

It documents actual conversations that took place while working here.

Of course, most contributions would be from Des, and these are many of my favourites, as told by him, followed by many laughs afterwards.

Enjoy!

Mr. X: Hello, excuse me.
We: Yes sir, how can I help you?
Mr. X: What is a roller coaster?
We: ? (Confused look)
Mr. X: (points to the brochure) Roller Coaster. What is it?
We: (cracking his brain trying to find the first answer that comes to mind and voila!) Fast train, sir!
Mr. X: Ah, I know fast train!
We: (smiled, kepala kembang for a genius answer)
Mr. X: Where it take me?
We: ...

I dont know whether writting it down makes it less hilarious.

Anyway, if this amuse you, let me know!

02/06/2007

If I want to capture the moments of my life, I need a good slim camera.
If I want to document the thoughts of my life, I need a good light laptop.
If I want to display the essence of my life, I need someone to die.

The first one would cost me about RM2k.
The second would cost me another RM7k.
The third, its tricky.

Funny how my greatest idea would involve someone's death.

Talk about being an exhibitionist.

Otherwise, life is alright now. But then again, after jinx-ing it back in March, I should have known better.

Conversations

"...I noticed that you werent as cheerful and happy since six months ago..."

I know that I am transparent, but I always forget that I am. And so, every once in a while, I'll get this reminder that I am, indeed, very transparent to others on how I am feeling inside.

"...and I want you to know that it is ok to feel this way..."

For the first time in my life, my ears hurts so much from listening to advices that I have not asked for. This is the reason why I rarely talked to others about my problems, because I know exactly what they will say and I do not want to hear it (because I know that if you come to me with a problem, I will tell you things that YOU do not want to hear, dont say I dont warn you).

"...you need to do this slowly..."

Clearly, I do not want to carry on the conversation, and at one point of time, I feel violated because I am hearing things that I ALREADY KNOW and certainly am not willing to discussed about it. However, the circumstances of the conversation is so that I could not do anything but to keep quiet hoping it will end.

"Hello there! I'm sorry, but this morning I've mistaken you for someone else..."

And so, the week carries on with lots of activities and meeting many other people. But deep inside, the conversation left a huge impact on me for the rest of the week.

"Great looking shoes!"

It doesnt help either to have salt rubbed into the wound. But I managed. And over the week, I got to know more about the people that I've met...

"She is too chirpy for my liking."

"...It belongs to my aunt."

"He actually strangled her!"

"Dont you think you are sitting to close?"

"My voice has been like that since a year ago..."

"Well, you know how it is, with our two bosses not talking to each other."

Well, honestly, I didnt feel that much better. But I am very much consoled with the fact that others are equally bogged down with issues in their life, and that I am indeed very very THANKFUL with my family and life right now.

"Regardless."

And I'd be stupid to think that I am all alone in this.

Having said that, please do not come forward and start offering me advice unless I specifically asked you for it.

12/05/2007

Hence, the start of a long break.

Took 8 days off from work, 5 offdays and 3 annual leaves. Already, its been busy since yesterday and I've got a wedding to attend tomorrow and a short trip up to Cherating next week.

Been feeling slightly down since I came down. You know how weddings depressed me. And crying in a restaurant doesnt help either. So, what could a girl do when she is feeling down, depressed and have bengkak red eyes in a shopping mall? She shops.

And after two pairs of red shoes, a three-quarter pants, a purple bohemian shirt, two tops and accesories, she felt much, MUCH better.

So much better that she is able to plan properly on what she is going to wear during the wedding.

Hopefully, the fire-engine red pumps will take away the attention that others have on her. And the RM28 dress will help her look like as elegantly fake as she can.

I can tell you for sure, this 8 days sure not enough wan.

Vaio

Just when I thought that there is absolutely no way I could afford to buy a small kucik Vaio, Sony came up with this absolutely beautiful babe and it cost LESS than the small Vaio!!!

Sigh, a 12-month installment would cost me around RM500++ a month.

How?

02/05/2007

Looking through my old files, i found this...

Good, the previous post is supposed to be very sad and depressing. But somehow it is not. And that does not go well with this cause I had wanted to put up something slow and depressing.

So, with reference to the previous entry below, here are some random ramblings...

I'm glad that my current handphone makes me reply sms slower than others cause if not, I would have type and sent out some very nasty sms and to regret doing so later.

It is very tiring to repeat myself.

It is also very exhausting to know too much.

I miss him very much suddenly.

I now have a phobia of driving behind cars when it is raining. I'd rather take the risk to speed along in heavy rain than to follow rows of cars driving at slow speed (in fear of someone deciding to suddenly break hence the repeat of history).

I had a huge headache that lasted for two days after the accident.

My eyes were bengkak from crying and lack of sleep.

Despite it all, I felt that I did what I should do and that is enough. I've put what is unimportant aside when it required me to do so. But it doesnt mean that I ignore it after it is done. I still remember and…

I used to type out my thoughts before I had a blog or whenever I do not have access to internet.

The above seems disturbing, and apparently I've never gotten around to finish it.

I dont really remember what had happened, and what transpired me to write that.

And that is a good thing right?

Cause whatever that had bothered me back then, its over and I've gotten over it.

:)

Happiness = Fear(?)

And so...

A few days ago, we drove down to Tesco to destress and a dose of retail theraphy. While we were making our way down hill, he commented on an article suggesting various ways to detress while up hill. Examples given were activities like watching the sunset, going about the rides, walking around to enjoy the cool air. But we both agree, that the best way to destress, is to get AWAY from the source of the stress. Don't you agree?

Anyway, the point is, we went to this large hypermarket, and went about our ways through the alleys and throwing absolutely unnessary stuffs into the trolley. And when that's done, we gather up the purchases and headed to the loo before getting to the car.

A bit of information overload, but while I was waiting for him and jaga-ing thr stuff, I looked at the throngs of people getting about their business and paying for their puchases, when suddenly a thought came into my mind.

"Now, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy this if I've chosen the other option".

To say that I was surprised and taken aback by my own thoughts seems impossible. But that thought made me remember (at that moment of time), the calmness and happiness that I have felt right at that moment. I am able to bask and enjoy what life has bring me on that day. How a simple shopping trip has made it all better.

But right after that moment, a sense of fear overcome me. A sudden rush of dread and fright on how all these can change at a blink of an eye. Instead of that moment of happiness that I wanted to remember, I keep remembering the panic reaction that I so want to forget. The fear that all could change in a second, and how I could wake up the next day losing everything.

look what surrounds you now
more than you ever dreamed
have you forgotten just how hard it used to be
so whats it going to take for you to realize
it all could go away in one blink of an eye
it happens all the time

Its true isnt it. We, or at least I dwell so much into that small minute bad part of our lives that we constantly forget the best part about it. How it all go vanishing in a second and our worst case scenario is really understated.

I fear.

I fear for the worst.

In fact, I constantly fear for the worst so much so I want things to happen faster so that by the time it comes, I would have experienced it all. All the good things in life before it lashes back all to me in all its fury.

The worst has yet to come.

And I live day to day, waking up, thanking God for yesterday as it did not happen, and praying to him that it will not happen today.

Everyday I go to sleep, breathing a sigh of relief. And everyday I wake up, wandering it is today.

I live my life in fear. Do you?

28/04/2007

Isn’t it funny how sometimes you forgot that people talk?

How you forgot that the people that you gossiped to are good friends with each other?

I don’t have to do anything, yet people still find out about the truth about you.

*chuckle*

The best part is the “legacy” you left behind…

Salvation, perhaps?

A glimmer of hope, probably.

What goes around comes around..

:)

22/4/2007

I'm tired.

Keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this.

And it feels better. Much better.

It is good to be home.

Been feeling miserable the whole week already. Been keeping the anger and frustration in. Been thinking that it is not worth it. Been seeing the whole thing repeats itself. Been thinking of the uncertainties. Been irrirated as I am not able to do anything about it. Been so discourage after being told what's in store for future.

This is my venting space afterall.

WHERE IS THE FREAKING DINASOUR!?!

On the other hand, here's a picture of lasagna. No, I am not turning this into a food blog. And I rarely order this kinda stuff. But the smell of it, brings me back to my uni days. The cheezy smell reminds me of the days when I used to buy frozen lasagna and heat it up for dinner.

The smell transported me back to my apartment. When its dark and quiet, our empty living room, our backyard (?), the clothes line, the purple TV, the blue beanbag, the rough carpet, the white plactic dining table and chairs, the white phone,...

My room, my fire-engine mattress, my wodden cupboard, my desk.

When the lasagna arrived, I scoped it up and inhale the cheezy aroma.

And for a few seconds, I've forgotten it all.

Unfortunately, life goes on.

11/04/07

I know I jinx it with the March post.

If talking about it is the only way to make it go away, so be it.

Stonehead's new secretary resigned after a month working with him.

Bear in mind she has a fantastically high salary for her position and she is a matured lady with EXPERIENCE in secretarial work.

And yet, she only lasted a month.

Goes to prove that I am not the only one having problems with him.

And so, after news of her resignation, guess who has been roped in to assist while they look for replacement??

And you know how it feels?

It feels like after walking for so long in a dark and endless corner, just when I found a torchlight to help me walk better, I've been asked to drop it and walk back the other way.

Really, I absolutely hate him. I have no problem at all with doing the secretarial work. Its how he shows up in the office when he told everyone that he would not be around, and how he cancels meetings that he demands to be set up. Absolutely no trust to his people and creeps around the office hoping to catch us slacking. And how he yells at you about the changes of the meetings in front of everyone, and cheekily admits "Oh, I might have forgotten to inform her afterall..." when confronted. How he goes around saying everyone here is doing useless things, and is like "a prostitute who openes her legs when told". How he wants to control every single thing. How he brainwash you into thinking you are in for a good thing when he practice cold storage system.

There is nothing personal about the job, but it is personal when it comes to him.

Yup, absolutely personal.

And oh yea, apparently, I just found out that if one were to render resignation within 24 hours notice, it means last day on the day of tender.

:)

March 2007

I’ve been trying to write about March.
How it brings good news, one after another.
How it offers challenges, one after another.
How it ends uncertainties, one after another.
How it shows confidence, one after another.
How it paves ways/options, one after another.
How it keeps me happy everyday, one after another.

Comparatively,
To say it’s a great month, seems too boring.
To say it’s a fantastic month, seems too mild.
To say it’s an eventful month, seems too meek.
To say it’s a suprising month, seems too peaceful.
To say it’s an amazing month, seems too ‘Discovery’.
To say it’s a fabulous…

Yeap, that’s it.

March was one heck of a FABULOUS month!

Ms Lo

After six years of knowing you,
Five agonizing days,
Four hours of driving,
Three shops,
Two private hospital,
One doctor,...

I never know I could be so happy to see you.

MBA?

Suddenly thought about going back to study.

Suddenly thought about going back to library to study, oddly enough, something that I hardly do. Library is usually the place I go when I need to find books to reference for my assignments. I hardly study in library, and efforts had to be made to go library. Its always too quiet for me, though sometimes it is nice to hang around that place and just start reading randomly.

I missed going to classess too. Wait, I miss going to lectures, not tutorials, cause tutorials is where the work is. Lectures is to sit back, relax and let the fella in front talk. Half of the time, my mind will wander and at times, I'll just fall back asleep. Lectures is about writing what the fella in fronts talked and drawing colourful lines on the notes. And when class is over, I'll just grab back my books and head back.

I missed having just assignments to do. Life back then was just about reading up, finishing assignments, passing up tutorial work and exams. Everything that I've learn during that semester, is just stored temporary in my brain, after which will be deleted after I pass that subjects. Once in a while, bits and pieces of information is stuck and that's how I remember parts about risk, supply & demands, but that is all.

I was never the over achiever. Nor was I the one with perfect attendance. All I can say is, I scrap through my classes without failing ever. But then again, considering that I sometimes only take one or two subjects per semester, I cannot afford to fail. I have no reason to. I'm doing subjects like a part time student. Two bloody subjects on two bloody days in a week. I still remember thinking that others have two days (weekends) to rest, and I have two bloody days to suffer before enjoying a 5-day break everyweek. Hey, I admit, I am not as brilliant as my friends. No point taking 4-5 subjects and failing 2-3 ever semester right? I know my limits.

Also, I am never one who is busy with activities. In fact, thinking back, I dont think I ever had any "extra curricullar" activities when i'm in college and uni. Zero. Pretty tidak-apa. Not even joining any Malaysian Association acitivites when I'm in Aust. The only ever "active' thing I do is to Drama 101 and taking up belly-dancing classes (in which is in the evenings and yet I still managed to skip classes because havent wake up!)

Yeap, I was that free and ignorant. Life was nice back then. And I pretty much laze around as much as I can. Cause I know thing will change when I starts working.

And hell, it did.

And now, with life as a student way back behind me, its now time for office politics. Almost as if the naive feeling is lost.

But then again, once in a while, I'll look at my friends and wander what life could be if I were to continue studying? Almost as if I am wishing for a body double and I feel I cannot leave my job, but yet, still want to study.

But why do I want to continue studying again? When the rate of interest never interest me in the first place (I major in Finance). They could never teach you about Covering your Backside 101, or Different ways to serve dead cat, and even Office Politics survival skills. In fact, I think the best way to teach us survival skills during college is to announce the change of exam questions half and hour before times up. Now, that is better.

Yeap, those are the things that keeps me going now. And I remembered thinking, life in college now will be boring, especially when my friends is now all working, and those people still in college wont understand working life. Generation gap, perhaps?

Gosh, I am old.

16/03/2007

So it is true…

It is true that when you are happy, everything just falls into place.

Even when there are crisis, you will be able to handle it calmly.

When there are changes, you will be able to take it with stride.

And take it all with a smile, and almost a chuckle.

I've been feeling like that since two weeks ago. Everything is just perfect, happy and smooth.

And I know why. *blush*

And being the pessimist that I am, I wander if things is gonna turn for the worst soon enough?

10/03/2007

I’ve been busy.

And it has been awhile since I’m this busy.

Just a quick update to say that I finally understand what it means when they say that women are generally “jin”.

For a few days, I’ve been trying to figure out the english-equavalent to the word “jin”.

Evil? Too mind.
Wicked? Not enough.
Bitch? Maybe…

Women want what they don’t have.
Yet, when they got it, they reject it.

Life is good… :)

3/03/2007

Mula-mula semua pun tak layan I.

Sekarang, semua punya cakap I’m under them.

Wah, you win lor. All push responsibility to me.

I ask you all to help me, say duwan, not your full responsibility.

I do things slow slow or fast fast, nobody cared.

Now, everyone also say I reporting to them. Everyone also say they want me to do things their way.

No conference no need to look for me lah.

When conference only come look for me say want this, want that.

Ask how come I never do this, never do that.

Harlow, if you know I’m suppose to do this for you, do that for you, how come never rush me for it?

Better still, never tell me I’m suppose to do this, do that, now you want to say its my fault?

All also think I only do their own things only.

You win lor!!!

One big fat lie.

I'm now on thin ice now. One wrong move, and it will backfire on me. Too proud too soon will not get you anywhere, you know?

Never believe what the boss promise you. Until it is in black and white. Don't say I don't warn you.

Cause today, I was promised another set of things again.

I almost want to laugh at the uncertainties of things and the regularities of these empty promises.

But then again, I shouldnt complaint.

We'll see if he can redeem himself one final time and proof me wrong.

Lay low.

Happy Birthday Tian Gong (King of Heaven)

Once I reached home, impressive pyrotechnics of fireworks were being let off. So impressive, it lasted for more than 15 minutes.

Is this a sign to say good things to come, or it is to mock me instead?

A Reminder.

I arrived back up the hill yesterday. It was the 4th day of CNY.

It was around 1130pm. I took the lift to go out for supper.

I waited and when the lift door opened, I went in.

Inside the lift, there was an Indian lady, alone. She was sobbing.

I took a glance at her.

“She looks familiar. I think she works here, but I don’t remember her name…”

I smiled a meek smile, not sure whether she is who I think she is, and didn’t feel right to be extra cheerful since she was crying anyway.

As the lift started moving, there were a few seconds of awkward silence as she sobbed.

Suddenly, she blurted out, “Bapa saya sudah meninggal. Accident.”

I was stunned.

I remember going towards her and put my arms around her as she started crying even louder.

Then, the lift door opened. She rushed out and was soon out of sight.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is fragile and full of unexpected episodes.

I urge all of you to take a moment to appreciate what life has offered you so far. I urge all of you to take a moment to remember all those close to you, and to give thanks for they are still around.

Because, at any point of time, your whole life could change in a spilt second.

Happy Chinese New Year, everyone.

21/02/2007

I've switched room with my brother just before new year. My room used to be bigger, and since I'm not around so much, we've decided to make the switch.

And, yesterday, I finally found time to clear some of the old stuff out.

Messy eh? Its really much worst than this but my camera couldn't fit all.

Again, I found many things that I would have else forgotten about. Things like my video cam that I used a lot back when I was studying in Aus, my first skin swatch, an unexpected gift from my ex (and the brand new swatch died few days we broke up, how appropriate), my glow-in-the dark bugs and my Dragonball Trunk's collection, among many things.

Would have thrown away a whole lot more stuff, but it was 3am and after two bagfuls of rubbish, I got too tired and chuck the rest of the things back into the cupboard.

I've always like throwing things out. It feels very refreshing and relaxing to be able to get rid of "old things".

Think I will go start with my "wardrobe cleaning" now.

A promise.

I would like to make a promise.

A promise to those that I see today.

Those whom is closed to my heart.

My dear nanny's family, and two of my dear ex-collegemates.

That I will find time.

Time to see you all this year.

This pig year in 2007.

That in 2007, I will make sure I see each of you at least ONCE before the next CNY get-together.

I promise :)

When you getting married?

Total sleeping hours on CNY eve - 14 hours.

Nothing great in particular the above hours, except the fact that I started sleeping at 3am, woke up at 1pm to the loud banging of the door by my mum at 1pm, lunch, fell back to sleep again at the couch from 2pm. Woke up at 6pm for steamboat dinner.

It is nice to be back home.

And its CNY by now, at 1am. I've somewhat missed the festivity feeling during Christmas, much to my disappointment, and I hope that I get to truly enjoy CNY this time around. Despite all the cheesiness, i LOVE the songs being played at malls, LOVE the bold & tacky decorations, and LOVE the reason to eat, drink, gamble and be merry.

However, many friends, and indeed, many articles in newspaper & magazines has express their dislikes over festive seasons like CNY. Times like this opens up opportunity for family gathering, and hence, the mandatory "Are you attached?" or "When are you getting married?".

I suppose, I shouldnt be the one complaining about this since I'm already attached. And I havent been particularly worried about questions like these as I'm still considered young and also there were a few more older cousins who are still young and single for them to harass.

But will this year be different? I'm turning 26, this 26th Feb. A cousin (who has endured harassment during each family gathering), has finally managed to register her marriage with her partner. That leaves only another cousin left (but she handled herself quite well, and she's known for her happy-go-lucky attitude, though I really doubt how much of that she can take). She is over 30 years old, but I think the family members may have gone tired harassing her.

Which makes me just a tad worried this year. Next in line (singles), is my cousin brother (1 year older). He's attached with a nice girl already, and I havent heard anything complaints to them yet (cause most of the harassing goes to his sister - the one who recently got married as mentioned above). So, perhaps, he'll feel it from now on. So, since he and me are the same age group (meaning - working & marriagable age), i think we'll be the target from this year on. Since, cousins younger than me are all still studying.

I guess, its easier to take in these questions cause I'm already attached. Think I am not in the position to say how difficult & embarassing it is for them to ask questions about your wellbeing when you really are happy with your life but your relatives thinks otherwise. I guess, deep down in their heart, they mean well (i'd certainly like to think so!), and I guess its just a common topic of conversation for each reunion.

I mean, even I ask the question "Dah kahwin?" to long lost friends whom I bumped into in malls or even MSN. Well, I'm not married, but I guess, sooner or later, we wander about it and we might as well get it over and done with so that we could move on. Haha.

But then again, i guess I feel less intrusive for me when I get asked that question. Sure, believe me, even I get frustrated whenever anyone brings up the topic of marriage. I think I've said it many times before this.

The point is, sometimes, we just have to tolerate it a bit. In a good way. Cause I strongly believe, what comes around, goes around. As you pester me about getting married, your kids will suffer the same fate as well. The same way you pester me about the seriousness of my relationship, your daughter married someone whom you do not approve of. Hahaha

Okay, bad example, i know. But it did happened.

Chinese New Year is, afterall a happy occasion. Regardless of whether there is enough angpows or not, its the time spent with each other that matters most. It doesnt matter that this particular family member is too loud, or that family member is a useless jerk, bottomline is we're still family.

I guess, in many ways, I am lucky as my family and relatives are on relatively good terms with each other. So, I am really not the right person to talk about this matter.

I'm not one to say that those who despise family gatherings are wrong. I am just reminding myself that I could be worst off.

And my mum just drop hints that I should be giving them (the parents) angpow since I'm stable in my income liao.

Damn.

17/02/2007

I am back. Finally. Its now 3am, i'm tired and sleepy, but I like staying up late when i'm back. Almost as if making up for lost time.

Been having this nagging feeling on wanting to buy new shoes. And I've went shopping a few times ready to spend money and literally waving my credit card around the shop.

However, no shoes seems to be worth the consideration.

So, after dinner today, i dragged my mum out to the neighbourhood shopping mall to buy new shoes. New year must have new shoes, you know!??

Anyway, the mall only have FIVE shops selling shoes. The first and second one wasnt very nice. Both had a branch up in Genting, so, I knew their range. Third shop offer some glimmer of hope but it was quickly dashed before I can reach for my purse. The shoes that I wanted, they ran out of size. Fourth one was just a 'layan' factor cause its BATA, and I wanted trendy and killer heels shoes, not comfortable shoes.

Now, the fifth one is the smallest of all. So small, they only have like what, less 50 shoes in display? And guess how many pairs I end up with?

Bloody FIVE pairs!!!

Quite a range really, a pair of gold slippers, another pair of 2 inch sandals, purple wood platforms, bronze 3 inch and a blue stilettos.

The thing is, I didnt buy those shoes because I like them. Its more like "Okay, what else you have? Is this size 5? I'll try it on... Hmm, looks nice, okay, this one too!"

Total damage? Not as bad as I expected it to be. Like the height of the shoes, the price range is quite wide as well, from RM28 to RM108. Looking at the shoes now, I'd say I'll probably wont consider buying them if they were on display in a normal shoe shop, but gosh, I just LOVE buying on impulse.

And, also, I am not an adventurous person really. I usually stick to the usual designs. And today's purchase is all about those designs that I see others wear and promised myself to get a similar one but never seems to be able to get.

So, not too bad after all. Hahaha

Now, lets see total CNY purchases:

4 Dresses, 7 tops, 2 pair of pants, 5 pairs of shoes and 5 pair of earrings.

No bags. Saw a cute pink sequinned bag, but it was RM99. Would have bought it also but didnt cause my hands were full with the shopping bags as I waited for my mum to get something.

Oh well, I still have tomorrow :P

**Would have put up pictures, but my phone merajuk with the PC today, refuse to transfer pictures.

Hepi Niu Yer!

CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY CNY

17th - 21st Feb, 25th - 27th Feb off.

Humility

Humility:

Humility is a quality or characteristic ascribed to a person who is considered to be humble. A humble person is generally thought to be unpretentious and modest: someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others.

And someone has none.

13/02/2007

The light at the end of the tunnel is finally here.

Is it not?

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Anyone celebrating out there? Both of us will be working, so I doubt there will be anything much. We're (or rather, he is!) planning something next weekend, so I guess it'll make up for it.

As I listen to friends' weddings & children, I feel a sad tug at the heart.

I dont know why. I am genuinely happy for my friends, but at the same time, I am also happy with how my relationship is going. Despite the fact that we're yet to be married, I like how things are going. So, how come?

I know I may contradict myself with the above statement, but I guess again and again, I reminded myself that things could have turned out worst. Just recently I heard news about a young couple who is on the verge of divorcing. Suprising news really, considering the fact that both of them are good looking and also has a young beautiful daughter with the longest eyelash I've ever seen. Sad really, when news like this comes up.

Yea, I'd rather the way things are going instead of rushing towards something that both of us could yet to afford. I really don't know how we're gonna cope when we're back in KL, really, considering the non-existing cost of living up here.

We'll figured out, somehow, cause someone said, "Life is like that. Somehow or rather, things will always work out. Its our survival instinct afterall."

Yea, I guess each couple's circumstances is different. What is best for one is not necessary the best for the other. If "I wish I am her...", then I wont be me right?

Anyway, that tug at heart was for something else. It always happen. Which is the reason why this blog happens anyway.

Just talking crap.

One day at a time.

Happy Valentine's Day, babe.

05/02/2007

My horoscope for the day in Friendster reads:

Life is not completely fair or equal. Don't get bogged down in nickels and dimes.

How interesting.

So, are you telling me you are not gonna kill him!?!

In exchange for a wish come true...

Ridiculous. Idiotic. Crap. Tired. Murder. Why. Confused. Tired. Insufficient. Lacking. Unsatisfied. Bored. Irritated. Godzilla.

As I pray every night for a certain person to die, I wander what I give up in return for the favour? Obviously it has to be something of significant and difficult to make it worth while.

Shave my head bald? - not a good idea, cause still need to work
Wear only dark clothings to signify mourning? - but this cant be, if he really is dead, I should be celebrating!
Shave my eyebrow? - oh well, it just makes drawing it everyday mor difficult, but that's the point right?
Give away my savings to charity? - hit me where it hurts most, ouch!
Go vegetarian for 6 months?

Looks like going vegetarian would be a good idea. But for 6 months? I've KK, Bangkok, Chiangmai and maybe Redang planned for year 2007, how am I gonna manage?!

But for the sake of showing my sincerity and to make my wish come true, maybe this is what I need to commit on. It needs to be something that will really makes me suffer...

Okay, if he dies (pls pls pls!!!), I'll:
1) Swear off pork for 6 months
2) Be on a vegetarian diet for 2 days each week (6 months also)

And to really show my sincerity,...
3) Donate RM2k to charity O_o (I cannot believe I just commit to that!)

Well, I can't be vegetarian all of the sudden, cause family & frens will suspect and I'll have a hard time explaining why I've suddenly turn vegetarian (who knows, maybe the authorities will suspect me instead!).

But of course, I'll only start doing these AFTER the wish came true lah. No point starving myself if he's still around to make me miserable right?!

So, if he DID die and I broke my commitment above, he'll be back up from the dead. How's that?

So yea, the above (1) and (2) if he dies.

Oh yea, and (3) too. So to the people who needs my RM2k, better pray with me!

Please...

P/S: Point (1) and (2) will be extended to one WHOLE year if he is dead before my birthday this year.

Kuala Lumpur

A dear friend of mine came down to KL over the weekend with some friends. They are from Singapore, and I managed to catch them on Saturday despite their hectic schedule :P

When I'm in Singapore, I told them that despite the fact that both Malaysia & Singapore are very similar, I feel like an outsider when I'm down in Singapore. I dont know why, or perhaps its all just in my head, I feel different, from the way I talk, walk and dress. Fortunately, when these guys are here in KL, I think they blend in well. Or at least, I dont feel intimidated or anything. Hehe

So, for the first time, I asked them, as Singaporean, what they feel when they are down in KL. And I like to share two particular points that they mentioned:

1) KL are different than Singapore in terms of infrastructure. They note that it is fascinating to see amist of a row of old shoplots, there is a huge tall modern building sandwiched between it.

Which is quite interesting, cause I've been down to Singapore and Brisbane, and usually in a city, all the new buildings are new and structured. But here in KL, its like rojak, and I mean it in a good way. I've never noticed it before, but when they mentioned it, it is unique to see that blend in KL's building, the old and the new, both combined together in its own unique way. Something I believe we all take for granted, something that we KLites see everyday and dont really give a second thought to it, but to someone who is new here, would find it fascinating. Interesting indeed.

2) We later had dinner (or rather, I had dinner!) at Tmn Midah's pasar malam. Apparently, in Singapore, there is no "mobile steamboat" and colourful and dazzling(!!) bras and panties are not sold cheaply and openly there!

It seems that pasar malams in Singapore floats around their neighbourhood. Instead of a weekly affair (unlike us where the pasar malam are open on fixed places each day of the week), it sort of floats around (i stand corrected!) the neighbourhood for a few weeks before ALL of the stalls moved to another location where they will be operating for another few weeks. So, this goes on and on. The only disadvantage I see is that its sort of difficult to gauge where the pasar malam is going to be. And while they do serve tidbits and food in their pasar malam, its food variety is not as much as us, where we literally can get our dinner there.

And they dont have mobile steamboat, a white van that carries the usual steamboat stuff in a satay stick and then you just dip it into a hot boiling soup and voila, its cooked and you can eat it, standing up. Its one of my favourites really, when I go pasar malam. Perhaps with all the sauce dripping and the mess, that is why they dont have it down in Sing? :P

And RM10 for 3 fire-engine-red bras being sold openly is not found in Singapore pasar malam too!

All in all, its quite interesting for me. Indeed, I enjoyed being able to share these unique KL experience with them. It helps me see things that we sometimes take for granted. Suddenly, I am able to understand what it means when they say "a vibrant place full of culture and customs". Wah, kembang liao.

I guess, many a times, it takes outsiders to remind us of the good things we have and enjoyed.

04/02/2007

You know that I will write about it, don't you?

I'm confused, but perhaps, somethings are better off left unsaid?

I'm back home for another weekend. I'm mentally exhausted. I'm just glad to be home.

After this weekend, I'll have to take two more weeks of shit before getting CNY off. And even that festive offdays also got its own controvesial.

I'm just taking it one day at a time.

P/S: the nice stranger I talked about the last time? She DID call me up two days later, and i DID meet up with her. Strangely again, it turns out nice and we talked for a while without her trying to sell me anything. Turns out she is few years older than me with kids! O_o

We are arranging to meet up again, if time allows. Think if she really wants to sell me anything this time around, I'll probably be more willing to listen.

Note to all you sales people, this is how it should be done!

24/1/2007

I feel numb.

The fact that I'm busy with work is one thing, and the fact that I am keeping busy with work is another thing.

And see, just as I predicted, usually when I'm up hill, i usually lose the interest to write.

Days up hill is really about surviving and living it day-by-day.

Just wrote two paragraphs about work, and all I see is complaints. Really, all I ever write up here is complaints.

I still strongly believe in NOT leaving your job because of a difficult boss, but now, I recommend anyone to leave when they are stuck in a lousy SYSTEM.

Gosh, I really look forward to the day when I am back up here as a customer.

On a lighter note, I've removed my hardisk from my now RIP laptop. I've got ALL my music back, but I cant retrieve my pictures.

Someone please tell me that the pictures are just hidden in the disk and it only takes a genius to figure out a way to extract them... please!?!

23/1/2007

Again, after three offdays, I am greeted by the most outrageous defamation email one could get from Stonehead…

It is now 1030 am and I am told that both of you are not in yet.

Of course I am not in the office, CAUSE I AM ON LEAVE, YOU IDIOT!

Guess who took my copy of leave application form and forgot to update into Stonehead schedule?
Guess who also took 4 days leave without informing and updating Stonehead’s schedule?
Guess who sits besides me?

I feel extremely victimised now.

Believe me, you would feel the same if you had seen the rest of the email and the list of the email recipients.

‘…Somehow, people down there is so demotivated and just wont do anything more…”

Wander why…!?!

Talk about the root of ALL problems…

Being thankful vs. Denial

2nd day into my offday.

Spent the whole day watching tv and recuperating from a day-long shopping yesterday. And also to take my mind off on my credit card bills.

And to imagine i just cleared it in Dec, dumping a good 5k into it to zerorise it and now its back up to 2k already! Damn AirAsia!

Its been good. Got a few things up in my mind. Cant help but to think perhaps only when i'm back in kl do I have the time and peace to think about all these things.

And yesterday, I got a suprising news from a very distant cousin who got married just days ago! And what suprised me even more is my reaction to it. I was very happy for him, and at the same time, I didnt get depressed after I hear the news! Which is a change really, considering the fact that I usually get very worked up everytime I hear people getting married.

There were some issues that I managed to talk it out with my mum yesterday. And I guess it was good as it made me feel a lot better. And I guess thinking back, to be thankful and be grateful for what I have brings me back to reality.

Oh well, I dont know how long this feeling will last. I cant seemed to tell the difference between being grateful/thankful and being in denial. I get very confused over this fact many times. On days that I'm thankful for things helps me looked on the brighter sides of depressing days. But sometimes when I'm down again, I realized that it was there all along and while I am okay living and thinking positively about it, I'm back to feeling sad.

That is why I'm trying to figure out what is the difference between these two things? I dont like living in denial, and sometimes, I'd rather feel the pain than to push it away. And I know I do that, I push the negative things away. But pushing the negative things away is just gonna make it bounce back harder you know?

Like a pendulum, I mentioned earlier. I just swirl back and forth over things.

I know I sound very depressed, but I'm not. I guess I just have time to say these things out when I'm away from the hill.

And perhaps will have more time to think about these things with the mobility of a laptop???

Hehehe...

Pendulum

Except for factors that we cannot control (such as miserable bosses), I am happy.

I am happy at how things are going. Of course there are ups and downs, but isnt that what life is all about?

We are humans afterall, and for those who says "I absolutely agree" to the statement "I am never envious of anyone", they are lying (it is a statement from a pychometric test).

Like I said many times, being perfect is a defect itself. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

Someone told me recession is gonna hit 2008. And that throws my plan completely out of whack.

And I meet a nice stranger whom I exchanged number with. The first time I did that was years ago when she turned out to be a direct selling person who was just soliciting contacts. And I still remember being disappointed and that is when I lost hope at genuine friendship. Someone once told me, every friendship is a business opportunity. It saddens me. And makes me wander if this second encounter with this situation will be the same. I am sure to hear from her in the matter of days asking when to go out yamcha.

Why am I feeling so defensive and disappointed out of the sudden? That the sudden act of concern and care would have an interior motive? Or perhaps I am not used to this act of friendliness that I immediately brand it as something fishy?

I would be one to admit that I sucks at keeping in touch. And I hate it when friends who does make it look like I'm at wrong. I calls only once in a blue moon, and that also is because I'm probably around your area or I needed help for something. Yea, I know some of you may frown at my actions but at least I am being frank. And no lecture on how I should act like you please.

I'm turning 26 this year. Crap. But I am happier than ever. Yes, there are many uncertainties that still needs to be ironed out, but still, I keep reminding myself that I could be in situations worst that I could be in now. And that makes me grateful. That makes me appreciate what I have. That makes me thankful for how things works out. Screw those people who thinks highly of themselves and make the rest looks horrible just because the rest are not doing what they are doing.

But are they? Perhaps it is just me who keep thinking that the rest of the world is out to get me. To think that they are envious of me but in fact, I am the one envious of them. To think that I am happy but in fact I'm in denial.

I've read somewhere that people like me are like pendulum. We can think both sides of the story. But our minds sways from one extreme to the other so much so that it drives us crazy as we cannot decide which sides we are on. So, times like this I am on the "everything is alright" side. And I am sure by the time I hit the sack, I will be on the "everything is NOT alright" side. And when I'm awake and watching tv, I'll be back on my "everything is alright" side again.

Are there hope for people like me?

On a lighter note, I'm back home for three days after three weeks of work.

I need this. Badly.

5th anniversary

5th of Jan came and went. I still remember that I was particularly busy that day, and it is only on the 6th of Jan morning, did I suddenly realized that the day has past.

Me: I suddenly realized, 5th of Jan is yesterday.

Him: Yea.

Me: I was so busy yesterday that I completely forgot all about it.

Him: Yea.

Me: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Him: I don't know.

I had in mind what I want to do. Now it is just the matter of finding the right time, the right spot and the right location to get it done.

Note to self: Must do before the year ends. Otherwise, it is not valid anymore.

20/1/2007

And its been good.

I'm tired, but I'm back home. And that is all that matters.

:)

15/01/2007

I've been bitten by the AirAsia bug!

1) Kota Kinabalu in June,
2) Bangkok in September, and
3) Chiang Mai in October!

:)

12/01/2007

Just a quick update.

Came back from a two-day course in KL. Stayed in Coronade Hotel, Jln Bukit Bintang. Had a wonderful time! It is so convineant to shop at Sungei Wang right till the shops closed and then dont have to worry about traffic jams cause the hotel is just right opposite! Meet up with a friend who stayed nearby and catch up with her a bit. Training was alright, and now i'm back up at work. Gonna have a difficult week ahead as I'll be alone up here.

:) I'll be alright. I CHOOSE TO BE ALRIGHT!

8/01/2007

It is always not good when I blog when I’m angry…

Why? Because I’ll end up saying things I do not mean to say. But today is really the "cannot tahan' day liao. So here goes…

He ignores you but you still die die also wants him back as a friend.

You ask me to do the one thing I’ve explained many many times why I don’t want to do. And I said, maybe but I will not promise.

And then you show temper and tell me I AM NOT DOING WHAT A FRIEND SHOULD BE DOING?

Wow…

And you, what good is a lavish wedding when you avoids people whom you still owes money?

Somemore dare to say about being matured when you are a coward for not facing your problems.

Both of you, you two win lor.

6/01/2007

I’ve heard of his name before I saw him. And since, I shudder whenever I hear his name.

But today, after much delay, I finally get to talk to him face to face.

And it was everything I expected it to be. Worst case scenario.

Kena, left right centre, straight direct from the Mr Bull.

I think I need at least two days to recuperate…

Excerpt - Life after 512

Dec 28th, 2006

Come 5th January, it would be five years.

What should I do to honour this special day?

Godzilla

If everyone in the office is resigning because of a stupid boss, does it means that they are cowards and cannot handle problems maturely, or is it because it is better to leave to find a happier job?

I’d like to think that it is a challenge to work with these stoneheads, and I should not leave just because I cannot tolerate them. But if it makes you miserable, redundant, unproductive and demotivated, how long can you last?

And if three of your bossess left (Original boss resigned, replaced by another one who subsequently resigned, just to be replaced by a third one who ALSO resigns, all in the span of less than two years), what does this tells you?

If we wake up everyday, praying that there will be a dinasaur appearing and swallowing him whole, does it justifies the sacrifice that we are making?

Where is the bloody Godzilla when you need it?

25/12/2006

I've got not one, but TWO new specs!

On normal days, I'll look like this...

When I'm off work, I morph into this..

Lydia Sum-look-alike!

Me: (looking at the optical shop salesperson) So, do you wear specs?
Him: No, I don't.
Me: Do you wear contact then?
Him: No, I don't wear contact either.
Me: So you dont wear specs/contacts at all but you are selling them?
Him: Yes, but I know enough from customers on their needs and requirements on our products.
Me: -_-" (looking at another salesperson who is wearing specs) Hi, erm, can you help make sure my mum's new specs fits her perfectly?

Would you buy insurance from an insurance agent who doesnt buy any insurance himself?

Merry Christmas

Alright, I've migrated to the new version liao, but being the idiot I am, it'll take me sometime before I can figure out the rest of it...

This year, I am bitten badly by the Christmas bug. And while at home after attending a birthday-cum-christmas party with family and relatives, I couldnt help but think of the lack of Christmas shopping and ambiance this year. Although this is the year that I had spend the most buying presents (in fact, i think this is the first year I really buy anything at all), I'm done with the shopping in less than two hours (very hectic schedule). I suddenly missed being in Metrojaya and wished I was there to listen to the calming christmas songs. I havent had my dose of the commercialized Christmas songs yet!

Then few more days later we will usher in 2007. This year has been an uneventfulyear for me. Thank god that my family is healthy and safe. New year resolution for 2006? I knew I promised to work my buff off, unfortunately, I didn't. But I did manage to hit my target for my savings though. Which gave me a new motivation to do better for year 2007. Have to reconsider some of my priorities, but i think with discipline, I'll be able to match the figure, perhaps doing even better.

Just a short update for now. I'll end with one of my favourite Christmas songs lyrics, singing the song in my head with my eyes closed, wishing I could be where I want to be right now...

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.

And have yourself
A merry little Christmas now

P/s I dont know how to post mp3s/videos up. Anyone to teach?

Impulse shopping

Impulse buying is when you literally buy everything you lay your hands on…

But what if the item is still stuck to your mind days, sometimes even weeks AFTER you saw it on display??? The fact that it cost a few hundred dollars is the reason you didn’t buy it the first time around. But what if you go back home, sit around STILL thinking of it, and began to do some mental calculation in your head, and figured that you can still afford it after all!!!

These are what I have in mind…

1) A wedding dress
No, I’m not getting married yet. And I always thought that I would have prefer a much more elaborate design as a wedding gown. Anything strapless, simple wouldn’t do for me. It must be LOUD, BOLD and OUTRAGEOUS, or at least, I thought so. Until I chance upon this dress in a thrift shop. The vertical design in gold looks beautiful and stunning. I saw this dress last week, took a picture, and I’m still thinking about it. I still don’t understand why I am attracted to this simple dress. Price? My guess is a few hundreds, probably secondhand since its in a thrift shop. And to own a wedding dress instead of renting. Why not?

2) Gold GUESS pump shoes
Well, I’ve never owned anything super expensive or designer (except my 2k phone lah). And after doing much calculation with this year’s bonus, I might just be able to afford this RM400++ GUESS gold pump shoes. Its high heel meets my standard and its not that uncomfortable. Tried it on at one of the boutiques, and looks very nice. Looking at my collection of pump shoes, is another pair gold pump shoes necessary? And it will look absolutely beautiful with the dress above, certainly a plus point!

3) VIAO Sony laptop
Well, as you know, mine died-ed on me months ago. And I have yet to get it fixed. And it is way past its due date. Although I don’t really need a laptop, but out of these three items, probably this one is the most expensive but also the most useful. I like the look and the weight, and I don’t really care about the specs cause I’m stupid and easily convinced by just the looks. I only need it for normal administration work and to online. Last I heard, its close to 6-7k. Seriously not within my reach, but there is Easy Payment right?

On the other hand, what I REALLY REALLY NEED is a new pair of specs. Mine is a few years old and out of shape. I wear it every single day and you'd think it would have been on my top priority to get it changed. Perhaps I would have to literally break it apart with my bare hands so I wouldnt have another excuse to delay.

Now, what should I do with my bonus...?

12/12/2006

Wishlist?

Deep down I had wanted to travel more. To be able to travel around the world to experience the culture. To discover the various places on own own and not just the normal organized trips.

But I know we can't do that. We don't have that kinda time and money. Unfortunately, being an employee does not allow us to simply take 3 months off work to travel. There are bills to settle and people to take care of.

Suddenly, I feel like I am having a middle-age crisis. What happended to my youth? What happened to the times when I can wear those la-la tops? How come I am living a life planning for a future that I cannot imagine? Where are the holidays to all these places that I am supposed to go experience? Why isnt there any freedom from work at all? What happended to "Hidup Hanya Sementara"? What happened to the "just the two of us" life? How come I've never gone out as much as my friends do? How come my parents never had more children so that I dont feel so guilty leaving them behind? Why are things so messed up anyway?

Yea yea, I am just rambling away... I have so many issues in me that sometimes when I am alone, it comes back to haunt me. These are the times when I do not think rationally and emotions takes over.

Life is absolutely ridiculous right now. And at this moment, if you had asked me "Would you have done it differently?", I had an urge to say, "Yes". Life is reality and reality hurts. The grass is always greener on the other side, but is it not? This phrase is my lifesaver. Yes, the grass over there may be greener but no one ever mentioned of the expensive weed-killer. Naive people would believe it. Go-getter would go get it. And well, people like me, we just make the most out of what we have. I can't blame anyone if I choose to be contented with what I have right?

Perhaps I am in this tug-of-war situation. The logical side of me stayed grounded with the best possible choice, but the other side of me is just yelling to get out. Neah, it will never happened. Entertaining doubts is what drives me crazy sometimes, but still, one bird in hand is better than two birds in tree.

And I bloody hate it when people thinks that they are more superior than others. Irritates me to no end.

11/12/2006

I'm back...

Had a difficult and long weekend after some unfortunate events in the office. Talked about it, cried about it, seek advise on it, and now ready to put it behind me. Unless of course, if matters gets out of hand, I'll deal with it.

Came back from a friend's wedding dinner. Realized that I havent taken any nice pictures for some time, hence the old and outdated pictures in Friendster.

I am tired and stressed out, and have things planned on Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday.

Figured I'll be back work even more stressed.

9/12/2006

I shall not waste my time dealing with a brainless person like you.

Despite that, I am mad at myself because I have stupidly forget that there is no way we could be friends.

And to befriend a calculative and chauvinistic pig like you, it is my fault in the first place.

I have no one to blame but myself.

P/s: Why? Backstabbed me then shy to talk to me ah? Guilty ah?

P/P/s: I am the QUEEN of PRETENDERS!

I wander...

I wander…

When I was in primary school, I remembered once there was young couple driving a car with the emergency lights on. I remembered them because they were driving quite recklessly and was causing a jam. I peered into the car and the man was in a hurry and he has an anxious look on his face. By now, he was pressing the honk while driving. Then I realized the woman sitting next to him was pregnant and seems to be in labour! They then drove off… I wander how they are doing now…

When I was in secondary school, our class organized a day trip to a nearby old folks home. I remembered we have to walk to the home carrying the stuff that we were going to give away. The home was very run down. It was on top on shop lots. Now knowing what to do, we started to talk to the residents randomly. I remembered a grandma that we talked to. She has Alzheimer and it seems like she has an extremely short memory span. She kept repeating the story of how she got the scars on her fingers. She kept saying, ‘I accidentally poured hot water to my hand…” And the moment she finished that sentence, she repeat it again. And again. And again. And that is all she talks about. I wander how she did after we left…

Once when Des and I were in Langkawi holidaying during our college days, we were in a restaurant enjoying our seafood dinner. I look out and remembered seeing a few tourists crossing the street to get to their bus. Then, I heard a screeching sound and a bang. We peered closely and saw a white shirt man lying on the street. A group of people started screaming (probably the same group). Traffic slowed down and people starting slowly carrying him into a car. Then they drove off. I remembered saying,” My, what a sad thing to happen when you are holidaying…” I wander how he is now…

When I was studying in Australia, I had culture shock the first few weeks. Foodcourt to us is a variety of cuisine; Malay, Chinese, Indian and Western. Foodcourt to them; McD, KFC, Pizza Hut, Burger King. Jaya Jusco’ cashiers are quiet, K-Mart cashiers greets us “How are you” nonchalantly. Back home, everyone looked vastly different, although Asian, everyone has its own distinct look. Down in Australia, all the Aussie girls looked the same (blond, fair, freckled and big-sized). They all looked so matured with their height. Heck, their 17 yrs looked like 25! I remembered feeling young and thin (I lost weight there cause I don’t like milk, cheese, potato and bread, which is the staple diet there) Hehe… Its been more than three years since I came back, but once in a while, I’ll remember the people there and wander how they are now…

When I was training as a croupier in the casino, I came across many types of people. But there were this particular young man that I remembered. If he had kept his mouth shut, he looks kinda handsome really. But unfortunately, he was loud, very LOUD. But, he was never rude to us. We had customers yelling profanities to our family members, but his choice of words were directed to the cards/games. Its different you know? We nicknamed him “Fried rice man”, because he always says, “Girl, if I win money, I’ll treat you to fried rice, okay?” Now, all of us figured that “fried rice” obviously has another meaning behind it, probably a crude meaning anyway. After my pontoon stint, I never saw him again. I prayed hard that I will never see him again also. But I wander, how is he doing now?

:)

Excerpt - Life after 512

Two weeks ago…

I wandered what is wrong…

I finally told you what I have been thinking all along. And though it has been two days ago, I still wakes up feeling things are different…

As I tossed and turned on my bed yesterday night, I couldn’t help thinking whether I’d just made things worst. I dunno why, but I just can’t shake it off.

I guessed the reason I never wanted to tell you about this is because I knew it will forced us both to remember and to act on it. And that is exactly what happened. Now that you knew and you remembered, did I just push everything to “start” happenning?

I had thought I could handle it on my own. And if I kept quiet about it long enough, it will go away.

But it keeps coming back.

“It is a harsh reminder of what happened everytime people talked about it…”

I am very brutal and frank when friends come to me when they are in middle of a crisis. I will force the truth into them and bare all for them to see and judge for themselves.

And two days ago I realized why. Cause deep down I’m not acknowleging the truth myself. Finding ways to let others see their truth is just something I do unconsiously. Its because of the build up in frustration and pressure that I had, causing me to unconciously channel it to another person. Because I won’t look at the truth myself, I had hoped to release the tension by ‘helping’ others see their truth, though sometimes in a brutal manner.

“I just want to get back what I lost years ago…”

Yea, I guess I need assurance. And a date.

Poem/Pantun

Angry… very very angry…

Irritating, frustrating, annoying
Three emotions you had me feeling
Agony, misery and torment
Three emotions I curse you, unless you repent…

Geram, marah, bosan
Tiga emosi ku perasan
Sengsara, dukacita, derita
Tiga emosi ku sumpah, lainkan mu menyesal, ORANG DUA MUKA!

Benci… betul betul benci…

02/12/2006

Feeling very blah at the moment...

But good times ahead! :)